How Embarrassing!

[DVS]

OK, I'll step into the fire, here.
First, kinks should be discussed beforehand. There are times when it might not be that easy or convenient, but that can cause problems...like this time did. Someone who isn't into this sort of thing, or doesn't really know if they are, or is and hasn't experienced it as of yet can be embarrassed and even pissed, when they are subjected to such treatment. But, BDSM requires consenting adults and aside from the discussion beforehand, if one partner allows something to happen, when they feel uncomfortable, it is partly their fault for allowing it to continue. But, that doesn't excuse the fact that kinks should be discussed beforehand. That's just good kinky sex 101. Nothing that isn't already discussed and agreed to should happen. In a court of law, that can be seen as forcing someone.

Now, I don't know how long this has been, but she said she was embarrassed and thought it was a mistake. Has much time gone by? Sometimes, when new things are thrust upon people, they will be embarrassed and say it's a mistake. But, because she went through with it, maybe she is curious and just got a little overwhelmed.

Her reaction tells me she might be interested, but her upbringing could be holding her back, the fact that she's a parent could be forcing her to squelch her deepest sexual desires. Kids come first and some people will actually forgo any kind of pleasure for themselves, if they think it might cause a problem with their being a good parent.

If she had been totally against it, I think she surely would have mentioned that she didn't want to go that far. I mean, if someone wants to tie me up, I'm going to be damn sure I can trust them and even then, I'm probably going to decide against it. That's just me. I'm not into being tied up. Who knows what was going through her head at that time.

Maybe she's kind of introverted and is always submissive in sexual situations. That doesn't mean she IS a submissive, and it also doesn't mean she would enjoy bondage. She could have a phobia to being out of control. But again, I think she would say something early on, if she was.

Bottom line...communication is necessary BEFORE the act. Maybe she would have been more into it if she had known what was going to happen before it did. And, if she wasn't into it, you would have known this before she became embarrassed. There is also the chance that she was curious about BDSM, but that night things went too fast or too far and scared her from attempting it with you, in the future...maybe with others, too, especially if she's very new to it.

Newbies...take things slow, and explain everything in detail, so nothing is left to the imagination. Feelings can be very strong and even overwhelming, when you are first experiencing them. Even with veteran players, you need to know their limits ahead of time.

If you didn't discuss limits and decide on a safe word before the action started, you fucked up. There are rules to this sort of thing. Read up on SS&C rules and know what can happen if these rules are not followed. When you are the dominant partner, the submissive is trusting you to know, understand and follow the rules.

 

[YoungMaster87]

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

 

[DVS]

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

What do you mean when you say you "took things to the next level"? If you did anything she wasn't aware was going to happen, that still falls under communication. It makes no difference who approached who (or is that whom?), total understanding and consent of same is rule #1. When dealing with a new partner, talking it over as you go along, making sure both of you are still consenting is a very wise thing to do.

Oh...it isn't wise to mess with Stella, even in jest. You might end up bleeding, when she's done with you. And don't take this the wrong way, but what are you...24, 25? Make sure you know the rules and understand the position of dom or master, before you get involved. Others are counting on you to know what you're doing.

Yes, she could have said stop at any time, if she felt uneasy so she is also partly to blame. But, communicating with each other about limits and such should leave little to feel uneasy about. Take things slow and you'll do fine.

And watch out for Stella!

 

[CutieMouse]

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.

I'm still stuck wondering exactly how old one must be to get labeled a "mature lady" by a 24 year old...

She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.

IMO, having/possibly even really enjoying the sex, then expressing a disinterest in repeating the experience for whatever reason (specific acts, or the sex, period) *is* acting like an adult. It's called communication.

I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

And may I ask W.T.F. is up with this attitude that "you were too much for her"? Have you entertained the possibility that she played you? Or decided it wasn't worth doing again [in spite of your mad skillz]? Maybe she picked up on the attitude that you were looking at her as a "mature woman" or cougar or whateverthefuck it's called these days, and found it distasteful. Maybe she was just hot and bothered and needed to get laid, but in the cold hard light of day realized she just bedded a freaking twenty-four year old kid; oops, I mean Sir.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm still stuck wondering exactly how old one must be to get labeled a "mature lady" by a 24 year old...



IMO, having/possibly even really enjoying the sex, then expressing a disinterest in repeating the experience for whatever reason (specific acts, or the sex, period) *is* acting like an adult. It's called communication.



And may I ask W.T.F. is up with this attitude that "you were too much for her"? Have you entertained the possibility that she played you? Or decided it wasn't worth doing again [in spite of your mad skillz]? Maybe she picked up on the attitude that you were looking at her as a "mature woman" or cougar or whateverthefuck it's called these days, and found it distasteful. Maybe she was just hot and bothered and needed to get laid, but in the cold hard light of day realized she just bedded a freaking twenty-four year old kid; oops, I mean Sir.

This is why I'll always have a girly crush on you.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

Now, do you think a reasonable woman would have enjoyed it? Or should I have spoken to her about it before?

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

OP, I really don't think we are straying from the point. The questions you have raised in your original post have been answered pretty consistently amongst these replies.

1. No, a "reasonable" woman (whatever the hell that is) would not necessarily enjoy something that someone did to her that she was not prepared for.

2. And more importantly .... yes, you should have spoken to her about it before.

Keep in mind, that just because someone begins a "romantic session" does not give you carte blanche to take it in whatever direction you choose.

Your comments "I took things to the next level", "I enjoyed myself", "it was probably all a bit too much for her", and "just that one step too far" make me not surprised that she would express regret that she was with you. I am sorry if we aren't giving you the responses you want, but you are hearing from PYL and pyls alike and all responses seem to be in relative agreement.

Oh, and CutieMouse .... you and I are definitely "mature" women according to the OP .... after all, I do have pictures of my children in my house and am (almost) divorced ... is that the definition of "mature" that we are working with?

 

[DVS]

I prefer mature women. Nothing against young women but some of them can get attached after I've rung their bell like it's never been rung before. aHum...yes, it does happen so stop laughing. Then, I've got to let them down easy and explain to them again that it was just sex...great sex maybe, but still just sex.

Yep, I ride 'em hard, and put 'em up wet. But, I'm not the sugar daddy type, so it's not likely to happen.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

We are definitely not straying from what you asked us. If your point was for us to flop over and confirm your Lordliness and OH MY YOUNG MASTER!! She was SO unreasonable, PLEASE let us stroke your ego back to its inflated blimp status!! then yah, we definitely strayed from that. But you presented us with two questions, and we have been answering them.

Your last statement just belies your utter immaturity and unsuitability for the title. Strangers on the internet have absolutely zero obligation to call you by anything. You don't even know if Stella is a pyl, and even if she was, that doesn't put her into some giant sheep herd you're allowed to wolf into whenever you please. You ARE a kid, a child, in every sense of the term. If you want the title "Sir", you better damned well learn how to earn it.

It's clear to me that, even if she just walked off and felt self-conscious and then called it all a mistake, you have some serious need to readjust your attitude. Being the top does not give you free rein to go too far or give someone a session that's "too much for her". While communication goes both ways, you still have that responsibility. Your explanation is very close to "Well she came on to ME so it was alright to rape her!" The attitude is certainly there. You are not an upper echelon in some make believe scale you made up. You are a little boy playing games. Apparently, badly.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Bottom line...communication is necessary BEFORE the act.

If you didn't discuss limits and decide on a safe word before the action started, you fucked up. There are rules to this sort of thing. Read up on SS&C rules and know what can happen if these rules are not followed. When you are the dominant partner, the submissive is trusting you to know, understand and follow the rules.

My first concern was that he didn't have the maturity to even think about giving her the security of a safety word. Does every detail of what you want to do have to be spelled out? Not necessarily, IMHO. Does some parameters have to be spelled out AND a safety word discussed BEFORE HAND? Most definitely.

The lack of a safety word makes me feel like this could have gone beyond her initial consent and for the reasons others state, she just might have been unable to say stop. But if she knew before hand that she had complete freedom to use the safety word, that could have alleviated whatever hang ups she may or may not have in saying "stop."

People live through some really horrible shit, for lack of a better word. Pulling one's self up and out of that shit doesn't mean you leave every last ramification behind. For example, I've been cheated on before and I tend to be hyper-vigilant now about any possible signs of cheating. That's really, really damaging to relationships where my partner is not a cheater of any kind. I'm reasonably intelligent; yet I can't turn off the emotional reaction to stop this hyper-vigilance. Sexual issues and/or past trauma impact people in even more dramatic ways and we can't assume she was failing as an adult simply because she couldn't say no in the moment. She spoke her mind eventually.

And there's no way he's going to know all her life experiences the first time (or any other time) they are together. This is all why DVS is absolutely right that a safety word is necessary. It protects the PYL from stepping over the line of consent and it protects the pyl from things going too far for his or her emotional well-being.

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

And if you, kid, think she should act like an adult, then do so yourself. Stop pouting and stomping your foot saying "no no no."

1. We, as adults on this forum, have every right to discuss topics as we see fit. If we stray from your original point, so be it. But I don't find people straying all that much. You asked for analysis; you got it. Learn to respect that people take the time to write things they think will help you not only sort out this issue but also learn for the future. We're not your cheerleading squad and if you aren't open to answers that might be different than you expected, then don't ask the question.

2. If you want to engage in adult activities with adult ramifications, then act like an adult and think before hand. You coming here to complain about her, then being unhappy with the answers, is a bit immature. It sounds like you didn't even take some basic BDSM steps like a safety word. That clearly indicates you've "mastered" the art of ignorance; now get educated before you take things too far with someone else. Some how, even when I was still only engaging in vanilla sex, I knew about the concept of a safety word. If you think you are any kind of "master" you should have definitely known some basics.

This is why I'll always have a girly crush on you.

I absolutely agree with CW.

 

[JMohegan]

Two weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to sleep with only my second 'mature' lady. We ended up back at her place, where photos of her fully-grown kids were displayed all around her bedroom, not that I cared much(She's divorced). However, I may have taken our 'fling' a little more to the BDSM side, as I ended up tying her hands, restraining her, calling her a few names, as well spanking her mildly. At the time she seemed to be enjoying it, well, at least her body was, however, my next message from her stated that she was embarrassed, that she felt humliated, and that it was all a big mistake..

Now, do you think a reasonable woman would have enjoyed it? Or should I have spoken to her about it before?

A reasonable guy knows that impact play bruises, welts, whatever (and/or chafing from restraints) + his DNA + a pissed off or remorseful female = a fuckload of trouble for that guy in court.

I'm not gonna ask permission to do what I do, and I can't think of anything less sexy than play-by-play outlined in advance. But neither am I gonna put my precious liberty at the mercy of a female whom I don't know very well.

So... to answer your second question... I think you should either wait for mutual trust to develop, or cover your ass by getting explicit advance permission in some verifiable form.

 

[JMohegan]

And there's no way he's going to know all her life experiences the first time (or any other time) they are together. This is all why DVS is absolutely right that a safety word is necessary. It protects the PYL from stepping over the line of consent and it protects the pyl from things going too far for his or her emotional well-being.

I get so sick of reading this shit.

A safeword protects the "pyl" from absolutely NOTHING if the person to whom it is addressed chooses to ignore it.

And it protects the "PYL" from absolutely NOTHING if a bruised, chafed, DNA-soaked "pyl" runs sobbing to the law.

 

[YoungMaster87]

Wow, such venom! Like a bunch of female spitting cobras.
Look, I may not know all that much about "bdsm" or "the rules" surrounding it, I mean honestly, how can you get so worked up about a topic that is so taboo as well as entirely subjective. Like all things I feel, it's personal preference, and if you don't like what I say or how I say it, that's YOUR problem.
I don't care how old I am, or how old you are, everyone on this website is over the age of 18 (21 in other countries), thus we are ALL adults here.
I do respect your opinions, which why I posted my story here in the first place, I wanted to see a different point of view, and now I have. And I thank you for that. I still may not fully agree with some of you, but that is MY problem.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I get so sick of reading this shit.

A safeword protects the "pyl" from absolutely NOTHING if the person to whom it is addressed chooses to ignore it.

And it protects the "PYL" from absolutely NOTHING if a bruised, chafed, DNA-soaked "pyl" runs sobbing to the law.

But it's a better place to start than having no discussion or no safe word in the first place...which is where the OP was and he was even more exposed to personal liability because of the lack of something as basic.

In my real world experiences (and yes, they are few), the safety word works when you have started from a place of communication and a bit of trust. Since it works in my real world, I'm not going to stop suggesting it just because someone is sick of reading "this shit." Put me on ignore if you can't stand reading my practical advice that happens to correlate with advice of more experienced people.

 

[switchbitch]

I prefer mature women. Nothing against young women but some of them can get attached after I've rung their bell like it's never been rung before. aHum...yes, it does happen so stop laughing. Then, I've got to let them down easy and explain to them again that it was just sex...great sex maybe, but still just sex.

Yep, I ride 'em hard, and put 'em up wet. But, I'm not the sugar daddy type, so it's not likely to happen.

God thats a hot post!

 

[Stella_Omega]

No no no... You people are completely straying away from the point.
Let's get one thing straight - SHE approached me, became interested, and then we ended up back at HER place. It was only later during our 'romantic session' that I took things to the next level. It was 100% consensual, trust me.
She then told me, via text message, that she was unhappy of what had happened.
However, I still feel she is an adult, and should have acted like one.
I enjoyed myself, but it was probably all a bit too much for her, just that one step too far...
And btw Stella, the name is Sir, not kid...;-P

You are have to earn the title 'sir," kid. And you sure as hell aren't my sir.

You haven't straightened anything out. Did she approach you as a top? Did you talk about what she wanted? From your first post, you did not.

Look, I may not know all that much about "bdsm" or "the rules" surrounding it, I mean honestly, how can you get so worked up about a topic that is so taboo as well as entirely subjective. Like all things I feel, it's personal preference, and if you don't like what I say or how I say it, that's YOUR problem.

It's going to be your problem if you don't start educating yourself. Some lady will call the cops and claim abuse.

BDSM is a little closer to rocket science than your standard humping is. And as a result, it gets you off like a rocket.

And you, like so many other fools, think you don't need to learn a thing about what you're doing. Hell,even humping is better when you've learned something.

Here, start off with this book; The new Topping Book

If you scroll down on the page, you'll see a three-for deal that includes these two:
the new bottoming book. and
SM 101 a realistic introduction

You should get all three. Really, They will be the best investment you can make for your sex life, outside of that large economy sized box of Trojans.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Wow, such venom! Like a bunch of female spitting cobras.

Thank you for proving our point.

Look, I may not know all that much about "bdsm" or "the rules" surrounding it, I mean honestly, how can you get so worked up about a topic that is so taboo as well as entirely subjective. Like all things I feel, it's personal preference, and if you don't like what I say or how I say it, that's YOUR problem.

Again, for your own sake, you need to get educated on a topic before you engage in the activity. The "mature" thing to do is learn how to drive before just showing up for your driving test, right?

Let's be explicit here: your lack of understanding of the basic "rules" exposed you to potentially being called a rapist. It's good it didn't go there, assuming your representations that she was into it are true. You seem to lack understanding that engaging in a subjective activity, as you recognize it to be, exposed you because you failed to take the time to understand her subjective understanding. There were two of you there with subjective views and you act as if yours was the only one worth considering.

Read and think about JMohegan's points about you putting your liberty in jeopardy.

I don't care how old I am, or how old you are, everyone on this website is over the age of 18 (21 in other countries), thus we are ALL adults here.
I do respect your opinions, which why I posted my story here in the first place, I wanted to see a different point of view, and now I have. And I thank you for that. I still may not fully agree with some of you, but that is MY problem.

Yes, your respect of our opinions was adequately shown when you stomped your foot crying "no no no" then resorted to the school yard tactic of calling people names. Sure, I called you kid because you are behaving like a child. But women with opinions, and brains, are not snakes. Doth he protest too much? Perhaps you are just afraid of women who can speak their minds even if they fall into the pyl side of things.

 

[JMohegan]

But it's a better place to start than having no discussion or no safe word in the first place...which is where the OP was and he was even more exposed to personal liability because of the lack of something as basic.

In my real world experiences (and yes, they are few), the safety word works when you have started from a place of communication and a bit of trust. Since it works in my real world, I'm not going to stop suggesting it just because someone is sick of reading "this shit." Put me on ignore if you can't stand reading my practical advice that happens to correlate with advice of more experienced people.

Don't take that personally, my point was that repeating the "safeword protects!" maxim is widespread here. And yes, I'm aware that many of the people who spread it are experienced, or say they are, at any rate.

You say the safety word tends to work when you start with "a bit of trust." We are in vehement agreement on that point! But.... as you noted in your earlier post, we're talking about two people hooking up for the first time here. So the trust bit is lacking. Which is my point, entirely.

 

[Licia]

Knowing relatively nothing about this woman and taking it to "the next level" was an atrocious error! Regardless of "how it felt at the time" means basically nothing, and you could be typing next time behind prison bars (if you could even get that privilige). Do you really think a judge would buy your story as matter-of-fact? Hell no. He'd toss you to the baliff with great and terrible relish. Stop being so foolish and use your BRAIN. What are you going to do when she decides she feels victimized? She takes you to court, and you're fucked. No lube. Don't be stupid. Yes, stupid. Use your mouth to communicate with your partner before even trying "the next level." Unless you fancy jail life? *shrugs*

You realize she could've went apeshit during the moment and physically attacked or bled you? Then what would you've done?

 

[neci]

A reasonable guy knows that impact play bruises, welts, whatever (and/or chafing from restraints) + his DNA + a pissed off or remorseful female = a fuckload of trouble for that guy in court.

I'm not gonna ask permission to do what I do, and I can't think of anything less sexy than play-by-play outlined in advance. But neither am I gonna put my precious liberty at the mercy of a female whom I don't know very well.

So... to answer your second question... I think you should either wait for mutual trust to develop, or cover your ass by getting explicit advance permission in some verifiable form.

thank you.

 

[Kurokami]

Wow, such venom! Like a bunch of female spitting cobras.

Bleh.

Look, I may not know all that much about "bdsm" or "the rules" surrounding it, I mean honestly, how can you get so worked up about a topic that is so taboo as well as entirely subjective. Like all things I feel, it's personal preference, and if you don't like what I say or how I say it, that's YOUR problem.

So, let's recap, shall we? You don't know much about the common courtesies and protocols for BDSM. Fine. Don't you think it's your responsibility to learn before you start tying people up? As enjoyable as this kind of play is, it can open you up to a serious minefield of legal ramifications if you don't know what you're doing, aside from the fact that you could hurt someone (in a bad way) doing this! As to it being subjective... Sure, I guess, but that doesn't absolve you from using some common fucking sense. This. Can. Injure. Someone. Don't just go stumbling around with the weird sense of entitlement you've been exhibiting around here. It's unbecoming and more than a little irresponsible.

And if it's personal preference like you say, where the fuck was your concern when your 'mature' lady was voicing her own preferences in the matter? She says she wasn't a fan, and if you don't like what she said or how she said it, that's YOUR problem.

 

[DVS]

I get so sick of reading this shit.

A safeword protects the "pyl" from absolutely NOTHING if the person to whom it is addressed chooses to ignore it.

And it protects the "PYL" from absolutely NOTHING if a bruised, chafed, DNA-soaked "pyl" runs sobbing to the law.

This is very true of the more disgruntled and classless of people. But I'd much rather chat beforehand to see if bruises and rope burn are OK, in pursuit of a scene that's satisfying for both of us, than worry about a pissed off pyl because I soaked her with my DNA, when a simple chat could have told me she's not into pearl necklaces because they're...icky.

But I agree...when strangers play, trust can be misleading.

Edited to add: That's why I don't play with strangers. It's just like a box of chocolates.

 

[neci]

This is very true of the more disgruntled and classless of people. But I'd much rather chat beforehand to see if bruises and rope burn are OK, in pursuit of a scene that's satisfying for both of us, than worry about a pissed off pyl because I soaked her with my DNA, when a simple chat could have told me she's not into pearl necklaces because they're...icky.

But I agree...when strangers play, trust can be misleading.

pearl necklaces are icky.

the cum belongs in the mouth.

 

[JMohegan]

thank you.

no problem.

You don't know much about the common courtesies and protocols for BDSM. Fine. Don't you think it's your responsibility to learn before you start tying people up?

I don't think so, no.

Personally I think folks should understand 3 things. The law, their own personal ethical standards, and potential consequences relating to the specific relationship involved.

*IF* one's partner is a fan of cultural BDSM, and thereby expecting adherence to those protocols, then failure to adhere to them might be relevant to the potential consequences referenced in that last bit.

 

[Kurokami]

I don't think so, no.

Personally I think folks should understand 3 things. The law, their own personal ethical standards, and potential consequences relating to the specific relationship involved.

*IF* one's partner is a fan of cultural BDSM, and thereby expecting adherence to those protocols, then failure to adhere to them might be relevant to the potential consequences referenced in that last bit.

Good point, although I was thinking more from a safety perspective. Not just from a mechanical "what to do with rope," standpoint, but from an emotional one. Which is pretty much in line with what you've said here anyway

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

First and foremost, I respect the voices of the other posters here of course, that all parties need to take responsibility for themselves accepting risks involved with power play. Posters here are speaking passionately from experience and knowledge that I do not have, but I agree with and appreciate the sentiments of their concerns for safety for both parties whole heartedly. That said, I also firmly believe that we are all equally culpable for our choices. Those made in ignorance can be and often are quite if not the MOST expensive, but also can be the caveat for deep personal growth. Not pleasant, no, not at all...but valuable in its own way.

That said, maybe at the time it was a curious experiment that she was caught up in? Maybe it was just a next morning face palm about the reality of what she experienced and how she really didn't enjoy it? Who hasn't had at least one night they look back on and cringe? Maybe she DID enjoy it, but feels guilty or umpteen other less than comfy emotions about it? Maybe the age difference factored in when it came to the actual D/S play? Clearly only the two of them really know what happened, so it is hard to really comment on any of these points without having the whole story.

That said, I can't say I have experienced huge emotional fallout/sub drop, but I HAVE had emotional swells of all sorts days following experiencing something new. Could the partner just be processing and blasting completely valid and real emotions she doesn't quite understand or know the words to express? Maybe this experience for her was intense and she is reaching out for a sort of aftercare or reassurance? I know I felt the urge to hug her when I read this thread. Maybe a better response to her text would have been compassion for himself and for her, instead of reacting with shame or guilt. I can imagine if she is a woman who genuinely craves the kink, and had a poor reaction to her first time it will most likely be much harder for her to reach out to try again if she is not comforted and supported right now. That to me would be sad indeed. Maybe had the OP and the partner handled it differently, there would be a second try?

Re established trust...seems to me that she trusted him enough to take the time to be honest about her feelings the next day, when she could have just blocked him our of her life completely. I think that means something, or maybe that just speaks to her maturity....I am not sure. But the fact that the OP is reflecting on this is a sign to me that regardless of it being a mistake or not, it didn't go as he hoped and he is trying to understand it and learn from it. I deeply hope the conversation that actually took place following her words of feeling embarrassed and humiliated (and no, not in a good way it sounds like ) was laced with kindness and compassion, and if it wasn't that future conversations between them can be. We all make mistakes and stumble over missed steps, and I think that is the best any of us humans can do is when it happens.... we apologize (when appropriate), nurse our wounds, learn something, and move forward.