how dysfunctional was your childhood

[Kasha]

I was just sitting here thinking to my past and thinking a lot of my childhood. I was brought up by my grandparents and I have a relationship with them as most would have with their parents. My actual mother and father pretty much traumatized my childhood. Essentially my question for everyone is how dysfunctional was your childhood and how do you get past it...are you afraid of "sins of the fathers"..are you able to forgive those who made childhood difficult...I will look forward to everyone's posts.....

 

[jcgirl]

My mother died when I was a child. We lived in Italy at the time. She was italian and my father was in the navy and they met and fell in love. My father came and got me after she died and brought me home to the US. He was still in the navy though and I lived with my grandparents on thier farm in Arkansas. They were in thier 60's then. I was the only kid there. My cousins we in the same state but older. Eventually when I was 10 My father retired from the navy when my grandfather passed away. My father had remarried and I had 2 half sisters. I am the oldest at 26. I spent most of my childhood between my grandparents, different aunts and uncles and then with my father and his "new" family. My stepmother was a wonderful woman, I loved her from the day I met her. She treated me as if I was one of her own. But, since my father had retired, she went to work and they needed me to take care of my sisters. My father is an alcoholic, he started drinking after my natural mother died. So, we had to take care of ourselves. I would go to school and then come home to take care of the younger kids. When I graduated high school, I moved to college 1300 miles away. worked 3 jobs and paid for it myself. Now I have 3 brothers, and 2 sisters. We all get together only on holidays. My stepmother unfortunately passed away this past august. It shoved me into a tailspin. Brought back how it felt when my real mother died. Makes a person feel lonely all over again. When I think of my "mothers", I seem to mesh them together in my head. They take on eachothers personalities, with memories of one and then the differences of the other. if that makes sense.

 

[Kasha]

I understand a lot of what you said. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I am the oldest of 4. One of my brothers was totally forgotten to his grandmother and my little sister has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Both brothers and my sister all have different fathers. I thank God everyday that I was raised by my grandparents, they raised me well and they kept me on the straight and narrow. They loved me when my real parents couldn't even be there. I have a real phobia about them passing away. I feel like I won't have any one in the world. I am married and thankfully I married a wonderful man that knows my grandparents and loves them almost as much as I do. Although my grandpa is the best man in the world the lack of having my real father in my life realy impacted my life especially as a teen girl. I just wonder all the time what kind of person I would be if my life would have been "normal". I guess I just long to be loved by my parents..even though I have a lot of animosity towards them.

 

[papasan4u]

dysfunctional family

Hi Kasha - I've had to do a lot of forgiving for the violence and verbal abuse of my childhood years, it's not been easy to do but necessary for my own survival and mental/emotional health. Along the way of recovering i did worry some about the "sins of the fathers" possibility but I wanted to get so far away from the experiences and personality types of the past that the possibility could never become a reality and I believe I've succeeded in doing that. I'm not sure what you need for your growth into freedom from the past, but I'm here for you if you want to talk about it. You may be interested in knowing that incest was involved in my childhood experience, that is an area that gets really complicated especially when it relates to someone you want and need to love in a child/adult kinship who turns that need into an exploitable relationship. If you wish you can e-mail me : papasan4u@yahoo.com...in the meantime, best wishes to you.

 

[Endlessly]

My childhood was very traumatic.
I get past it by getting past it.
I'm never having children of my own, and I work on forgiveness every day.


That's all I feel comfortable saying.

 

[fgarvb1]

how dysfunctional was my childhood.?

..OH ..SHIT.!!

Well.. On a scale where -10 is the worst on earth and +10 is
is the best known to mankind and "0" is normal My childhood was about -5.

I am ACOA all the way. Of coarse i did not know this. I thought myself and and the kids & people i hung out with
were normal.

If i were any one posted above me on this thread and i wanted to live a happier, more functional life, have better relationships, Not feel so much pain and stress all the time.
I would look into some Adult Children groups such as:
Adult Children Of Alcoholics. I did and it changed if not saved my life. When i look back and see the way i was..well i am not that person anymore. Life is great and one hell of an adventure.! Now.!!

I could go into much greater detail . if you like e-mail me.
Also ACOA has a web site.

 

[CRaZy]

I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family - it still is but I stay away. I don't even celebrate Xmas because it would involve my family. I do however dine out on tales which stretch the limits of eccentricity. See the thread from yesterday - WHICH STORY IS TRUE and read the second tale. That was one of the more normal events in my childhood.

All you can do is look back and learn to laugh it all in the face. You start to feel good when you realise you are no longer making the same mistakes as your parents (different ones maybe but at least they are your own conscious choices and not ones made with the baggage of childhood weighing you down).

 

[Closet Desire]

I didn't realise...

...how dysfunctional and abusive my family was until I crossed the boundaries of the narrow rules my entire extended family has. What tipped the scales? Me getting a Masters degree and divorcing my wife. Weird huh? Suddenly, getting more education made me a pseudo-intellectual, something my family "doesn't respect" (still got the long, spiteful letter from my father).

I didn't snap back into line, but at the ripe old age of 38 told them all to "fuck off". I married CD-able and moved the England...haven't spoken to my family in four years. As time goes on I recall events in my family that now seem so bizarre and twisted...then they seemed normal. I had a sister who my family said was "troubled" and she went to all sorts of counselling and experts. Looking back, I now realise she was the only "normal" one among us, the only sane inmate in the asylum.

I could go on but I won't. If anybody here is trying to sort out things that don't seem quite right in their childhood or, even, in adult life as far as parents and family go I highly recommend Susan Forward's book TOXIC PARENTS. It changed my life by echoing what I was already thinking AND helping me decide what to do about it.

Hope this helps.

 

[Kasha]

another thought

I know to be healthy emotionally, I need to distance myself from my parents. i also know that I should eventually forgive to get on with my life. Sometimes I get by and I know that nothing that they did or didn't do really is affecting my life. Of course there are other times that I think everything in my life has to do with my past. I get really angry at myself when Iwould see my father and I would kiss his ass..hoping and wishing that I would finally solve all the problems and we could have that "normal" relationship. Same with my mother..although she has tried a lot more since I have become an adult to have a relationship with me. As far as I know I never experienced sexual child abuse but definite abandonment and emotional abuse was prevalent. I am having fertility issues at ths point in my life and when I am in one of my more depressed moods I think that this is just God..(or whatever) ending the cycle. Like my parents were given the last chance in the family and poof...tey screwed it up to the nth degree so...oh well no babies for you. I know that is just my depressed thoughts taking over for the most part though...hopefully.....

 

[Roll-One]

I'm very sorry to hear of some of your childhoods. It made me sad reading some of them.

My childhood was very stable, i look back on mine and think how great my childhood had been.

I wish i could help ya, and give you an answer.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[livin_simple]

Closet_Desire - you described my situation very accurately. Took a divorce to really open my eyes to myself and my family. Had never seen before how demanding and manipulative they are. Unfortunately my mother is the driver of the whole family, whatever she wants, everyone else toes the party line. I am now considered the rebellious one and the black sheep because I'm now living independent of their manipulations.

Kasha:[\b] My former spouse was a midwife. Extremely knowledgeable about fertility, birth, health, nutrition, and the effects of emotions on everything. YES indeed, emotions can affect fertility. As an aside, coffee also significantly decreases fertility in women. Guilt, depression, feelings of worthlessness all can contribute to your ability to conceive or keep a pregnancy. <-Poor wording
I am definitely on the technical/engineering/computer side of life and thus not a whole hearted supporter of alternative approaches to healing. However, I must say that I've seen remarkable emotional and physical healing in friends who've gone to see an experienced practitioner of homeopathy. Probably 'nuff said on my part on the BB. Can attempt to get you more info if you want to contact me via email.

 

[Bushido71XS]

Not too seem flippant, but truthfully, I think most sitcom writers have been to my house at one time or another.

I thought that Titus guy looked familiar.......

 

[Ambrosious]

Pepin and I had it rough. Our parents were abusive both physically and mentally. When you are told for 18 years you are a piece of shit, you believe it. It took a long time for either of us to have a self esteem and I still find myself needy and clingy. Thank God for my wife, she is fantastic.

 

[Kasha]

Livin_Simple...please let me know ...any and everything helps.. I am about to start Clomid this month.. my e-mail is.. a.n.silva@worldnet.att.net ****** I also want to thank everyone for their comments on this thread..it is the first one I put up. I know how hard family dysfunction is (obviously) and I know it is difficult to talk about so I really think it's great that people are willing to share their experiences and thoughts.. Thanks again ya'll