How do you satisfy your needs in a sexless relationship?

[lifeis2short2b]

Are you in a sexless relationship or a Loveless relationship there is a difference?

If it's a sexless " relationship" the simple answer is leave.
If your in a marriage you have to weigh many factors before you do leave. Including a self look in the mirror.
If your on here wearing your "badge of honor" of "sexless" for 10 or 20+ years I would be embarrassed not posting it. The last thing I would be doing is posting on a site, unless I'm playing the sympathy card. You guys sound like the guy who complains about being banned all the time.

 

[FamilyFunMom]

Isn't that what Lit is for?

 

[FuckMyIndianMom]

Isn't that what Lit is for?

Haha true although my mom prefers other ways

 

[gaindianguy4u]

There are so many parameters or variables off a sexless marriage situation, to each one their own. P2P for those who have the $$$. P.O.R.N for those who can’t lol . My journey has been a bit different . I became a straight third for couples for a few years and then covid struck. Have been on a hiatus since . Check my profile for more.. The struggle is real.. hang in there folks. Don’t lose hope!

 

[Britva415]

Are you in a sexless relationship or a Loveless relationship there is a difference?

If it's a sexless " relationship" the simple answer is leave.

And what's the answer for loveless?

 

[wellworn]

If your on here wearing your "badge of honor" of "sexless" for 10 or 20+ years I would be embarrassed not posting it. The last thing I would be doing is posting on a site, unless I'm playing the sympathy card. You guys sound like the guy who complains about being banned all the time.

If you are in a committed and in other ways a 'good enough' marriage, being sexless for 20+ years creeps up on your psych and while you've been trying to deal with the issue ethically you have been accumulating resentment piled upon resentment. Eventually sharing somewhere anonymous like Lit with others suffering similar issues provides a slight relief. Where else would you be asking for advice on how to deal with it?

Those of us with a 'good enough' marriage can still regret not having had a 'good' or a 'great' marriage.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

If you are in a committed and in other ways a 'good enough' marriage, being sexless for 20+ years creeps up on your psych and while you've been trying to deal with the issue ethically you have been accumulating resentment piled upon resentment. Eventually sharing somewhere anonymous like Lit with others suffering similar issues provides a slight relief. Where else would you be asking for advice on how to deal with it?

Those of us with a 'good enough' marriage can still regret not having had a 'good' or a 'great' marriage.

20+ years......If it's " good enough" for you.........

 

[lifeis2short2b]

And what's the answer for loveless?

Look over your situation. Start with yourself. Sometimes your both just in a rut.
Try to remember how you fell in love in the first place. Try it. Little things not just sexual.
If all fails. You have to make your decision with what you want/need. That includes making love or just having sex.

 

[wellworn]

I think when you have been in a relationship for 40+ years the idea that you can just end it and start again is pretty hollow and such advice here has no empathy for a much richer tapestry of life that exists apart from just the sex. There were good times before the descent into sexlessness and even non sexual good times after it set in that mitigated some of the ongoing pain. A true friend would listen to the complaints and have the empathy to try to understand and find a mutually enjoyable way around the problems. That's what good marriages do, they negotiate mutually enjoyable ways around problems. When one side refuses to engage the pain continues to build and that lack of intimacy eventually leaves one somehow feeling a sense of friendlessness with the person you love/d.

You can't go back to your 20's and start again by making a different partner selection. Trying to satisfy your needs outside the marriage is also mostly fruitless because it is likely going to be just a one way transactional arrangement, not a two way bonding which is what you're really missing.

 

[LMWM321]

What marriage is and the rules around it need to change. Why? Because half of marriages end in divorce and many of those that don't aren't particularly healthy or happy.

I wholeheartedly believe in marriage - indeed, I have been happily married for over 30 years. That said, I do believe that as people live longer, there needs to be greater tolerance of a partner pursuing occasional sex outside of the marriage, especially if a very wide desire discrepancy has grown within the relationship - which can happen through no fault of either partner. I believe this even though I have never had, nor intend to have, an affair myself.

For some, having regular sex, even late in life, is essential to their happiness and well-being and they shouldn't be expected to go without it because their partner no longer or seldom desires it. Likewise, a partner who now finds sex to be an unpleasant toil shouldn’t feel they are nonetheless obligated to provide it.

Marriage is a commitment to put that one other person at the center of your life. To love and to care for them no matter what. But it is NOT a promise to ignore your own needs and happiness. And for many, life without some kind of physical intimacy is like life without laughter.

 

[jeepster610]

What marriage is and the rules around it need to change. Why? Because half of marriages end in divorce and of the half that remain, many are unhappy.

I wholeheartedly believe in marriage - indeed, I have been happily married for over 30 years. That said, I do believe that as people live longer, there needs to be greater tolerance of a partner pursuing occasional sex outside of the marriage, especially if a very wide desire discrepancy has grown within the relationship - which can happen through no fault of either partner. I believe this even though I have never had, nor intend to have, an affair myself.

For some, having regular sex, even late in life, is essential to their happiness and well-being and they shouldn't be expected to go without it because their partner no longer or seldom desires it. Likewise, a partner who now finds sex to be an unpleasant toil shouldn’t feel they are nonetheless obligated to provide it.

Marriage is a commitment to put that one other person at the center of your life. To love and to care for them no matter what. But it is NOT a promise to ignore your own needs and happiness.

I totally agree. My marriage vows did not include celibacy.

 

[Dirtydaydream94]

Isn't that what Lit is for?

Indeed

 

[PMarky2]

At the moment the major project is trying to get my wife to understand that the odd blow job, tit wank, or handy in exchange for cunnilingus or clit surfing is a perfectly reasonable way of keeping my mind of other/younger women. She does not seem to make the connection between dead bed, roving eye, and me fixating on other women. NOT committing adultery when you are not getting anything at home takes a huge amount of energy.

I know she finds PIV uncomfortable, but for goodness sake! I will admit that after a sequence of "third base artists" when I was dating I do have a thing about penetration, but I can also comprehend her medical condition and regretfully accept that I am probably not going to get to enjoy that pleasure again in this relationship.

 

[Africansexmachine]

How do you satisfy your needs in a sexless relationship?

I can never be in a sexless relationship

 

[Africansexmachine]

I think a married man in a sexless marriage is the ideal lover for my wife. Chances are he would only be interested in her for the pussy. Not looking to start any drama in our marriage. He tells his wife that him and I have become friends. Then say once a week he tells her he’s coming over to our place to watch the game and have a beer. But really he’s got my wife up in our bedroom.

This sounds like fun

 

[Tweedledude]

Tried the talk and tried a reputable counselor with no good results. Being reasonably fit and 71 with perhaps 10 or 20 more years to go, while the resentment continues to grow I have a sort of out of body experience watching the train wreck and wonder how it will end.

Wow can I relate

 

[Tweedledude]

I find that I’m pretty much able to get all that I could want….

to quote Spock "Live long and prosper"....

 

[PMarky2]

I spend a lot of time on Lit and have an active fantasy life.

I realise that I'm lucky in that ours is a very loving marriage, with lots of kisses and cuddles, just unfortunately she has lost all sexual desire. She enjoys seeing me walking around naked and will stroke me, but penetration isn't happening. As she feels guilty anout this she offered a couple of nights ago, its been a couple of months since the last time. She didn't want much foreplay, the trouble is that it was obvious that she wasn't enjoying it and, when I asked her, she told me that it was getting painful. So basically I stopped and pulled out there were a few tears and her apologising but what can you say but, don't worry it isn't your fault. I cuddled her until she went to sleep and then snuck off to the bathroom for relief.

I can relate. I have been there with my wife too.

 

[coati]

I find that the best way to satisfy my sexual needs is to have sex with someone who is also seeking to satisfy sexual needs.

Problem solved.

 

[Helpme01]

For me thee need wasn’t about sex it was being wanted so I could flirt until I knew I could sleep with them then stop cause I that was enough

 

[Mittering]

I sit here and observe my wife watching a dating show. To me, it shows she has an interest in romance and that she is not as indifferent as she says she is.

So, it's just me!

It's not the lack of romance. I've done that and continue to. It not lack of desire or closeness. I've done that and still do. It's not communication. I've been honest and open and given her a safe space to talk. I've asked to seek counseling. It's not physical looks. I've done it all. Let myself go when she wanted to but was afraid of what I might say, telling her it was ok for her to do so. Got insanely in shape with weighted workouts. Then switched to a cardio focused routine and slimmed down. None of that worked. I recently drastically slimmed down again.

So, it's just me. That's the suck. Nothing I'm going to be able to do. Just me.

I recently joined a .org, something like "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" or ILIASM or something. That might make those who dislike the "whining" or the commiserating feel better.

 

[wellworn]

I'm finding I have a variable time of day reflex to my lack of sex. Although there is an underlying sadness all day, I'm finding it strongest in the mornings and I'm afraid it may be getting worse. I generally wake early to the feeling of sadness about my predicament being at its peak. Although my dreams usually don't feature anybody recognizable, this morning I awoke straight out of a bad dream where I was berating my wife in a manner totally foreign to me.

30 years of frustration and rejection, 2 years of resentment and now 45 years of regret?