how do you raise your kids?

[Guest]

i'd like to think that we think differently here on lit. not only about sex that is

what are your rules/ philosophy for raising kids? whats your no's and maybe's and absolutely's?

and what about sex? do you handle the topic differently with your kids than you would if you weren't a porn writer?

talk to me

 

[Recidiva]

I've told my daughter that many parents raise their children to serve the family, or serve society. And that's nice, that's fine. But you need to serve yourself first. When you know yourself well, know what you need, know how to get it for yourself, you become less of a target for all the weaknesses that can take you down during a life.

No to whining. No to refusing to find solutions.

Yes to honest emotional states and personal clarity. Absolutely must respect other people's rights.

I swear in front of my kids, I have problems and difficulties in front of my kids. I am also deliriously happy in front of my kids. I will explain sexuality in clear terms and also offer books from my library.

At first my daughter thought this was too much information, and she didn't in fact approve of me as a mom for quite a while. Now she's 18, and after she watched a lot of her friends crash and burn out in high school, to alcoholism, and relationship weirdness, and family dysfunction, she and I are on really good terms.

She's read some of my stories here, and we've had some good discussions about sexual attitudes and things that you want. Particularly toward "how can you get what you want for yourself and be happy about that?"

 

[Guest]

I've told my daughter that many parents raise their children to serve the family, or serve society. And that's nice, that's fine. But you need to serve yourself first. When you know yourself well, know what you need, know how to get it for yourself, you become less of a target for all the weaknesses that can take you down during a life.

No to whining. No to refusing to find solutions.

Yes to honest emotional states and personal clarity. Absolutely must respect other people's rights.

I swear in front of my kids, I have problems and difficulties in front of my kids. I am also deliriously happy in front of my kids. I will explain sexuality in clear terms and also offer books from my library.

At first my daughter thought this was too much information, and she didn't in fact approve of me as a mom for quite a while. Now she's 18, and after she watched a lot of her friends crash and burn out in high school, to alcoholism, and relationship weirdness, and family dysfunction, she and I are on really good terms.

She's read some of my stories here, and we've had some good discussions about sexual attitudes and things that you want. Particularly toward "how can you get what you want for yourself and be happy about that?"

fabulous!!

what about religion/ spirituality?

 

[Recidiva]

fabulous!!

what about religion/ spirituality?

I'm very spiritually and religiously eclectic. My daughter's husband and I met when we were both staff for the Church of Scientology. He's a very spiritual person. He's just not so good at that whole "real life" thing.

Despite he and I being deeply involved in that, she's always been sorta..."brain dead" about the whole thing until the last few years. She always made fun of me for my "weird spiritual" stuff just the way she made fun of the weird "menstrual cycle" stuff. Now she's getting it herself and is a bit freaked out, but on the whole has a good attitude about it.

So I've taught her to think critically about WHAT religions are trying to tell her. Where they can hook you if you buy into the power plays and fear. I helped her trace back the first words of everyone who began a religion...they're good words, but they've been twisted in so many ways.

So I taught her in essence to think, to gather all the thoughts, keep what's good and let the rest go. Examples: The Golden Rule. (Christianity) The Tone Scale, the ARC triangle (Scientology) Zen meditation (Buddhism) Pagan archetypes and honor for the elements. The Tao Te Ching. But I encouraged her to go to the source, and think. Not just believe.

Again, my library has books on every religion, so we'd have conversations surrounded by piles of information.

A few people have tried to scare her into being religious, but she always came through.

My brother once had her alone during a visit and he's deeply evangelical. He told her "I have two nieces, the kinds that are saved and the kinds that are about to be." She called me and put me on the phone, bless her. I told him she's always welcome to go to church, but she has to want to go, and she can't just go because she's afraid not to go.

Also, she went to a sleepover party where someone was trying to frighten her with Lot's Wife's story. She saw the pillar of salt and freaked out - it must be true!

Then I showed her a picture of Mono Lake and said "Ohmigod! Lot's wife is everywhere!"

The trick is to use her brain and not be afraid.

 

[Guest]

I'm very spiritually and religiously eclectic. My daughter's husband and I met when we were both staff for the Church of Scientology. He's a very spiritual person. He's just not so good at that whole "real life" thing.

Despite he and I being deeply involved in that, she's always been sorta..."brain dead" about the whole thing until the last few years. She always made fun of me for my "weird spiritual" stuff just the way she made fun of the weird "menstrual cycle" stuff. Now she's getting it herself and is a bit freaked out, but on the whole has a good attitude about it.

So I've taught her to think critically about WHAT religions are trying to tell her. Where they can hook you if you buy into the power plays and fear. I helped her trace back the first words of everyone who began a religion...they're good words, but they've been twisted in so many ways.

So I taught her in essence to think, to gather all the thoughts, keep what's good and let the rest go. Examples: The Golden Rule. (Christianity) The Tone Scale, the ARC triangle (Scientology) Zen meditation (Buddhism) Pagan archetypes and honor for the elements. The Tao Te Ching. But I encouraged her to go to the source, and think. Not just believe.

Again, my library has books on every religion, so we'd have conversations surrounded by piles of information.

A few people have tried to scare her into being religious, but she always came through.

My brother once had her alone during a visit and he's deeply evangelical. He told her "I have two nieces, the kinds that are saved and the kinds that are about to be." She called me and put me on the phone, bless her. I told him she's always welcome to go to church, but she has to want to go, and she can't just go because she's afraid not to go.

Also, she went to a sleepover party where someone was trying to frighten her with Lot's Wife's story. She saw the pillar of salt and freaked out - it must be true!

Then I showed her a picture of Mono Lake and said "Ohmigod! Lot's wife is everywhere!"

The trick is to use her brain and not be afraid.

youre an amazing woman and amazing parent.

thanks for sharing this with us

 

[Recidiva]

youre an amazing woman and amazing parent.

thanks for sharing this with us

Thank you, I make fun of my approach because my kids are so assured they're loved and don't need to worry about approval.

When I see dysfunctional families portrayed that have hyperambitious kids I tell her "See! I should have been an alcoholic and cold, that way you'd be motivated!"

My daughter would laugh her ass off at anybody even hinting she's not adored or adorable. Makes no sense to her whatsoever.

 

[Guest]

Thank you, I make fun of my approach because my kids are so assured they're loved and don't need to worry about approval.

When I see dysfunctional families portrayed that have hyperambitious kids I tell her "See! I should have been an alcoholic and cold, that way you'd be motivated!"

My daughter would laugh her ass off at anybody even hinting she's not adored or adorable. Makes no sense to her whatsoever.

how do help them get that level of self confidence ?

 

[Recidiva]

how do help them get that level of self confidence ?

So many ways that people learn seems to be based on the input of other people. What do people tell you to think? What do people tell you to feel? What do people tell you to eat?

If the focus as a parent isn't "This is what you should eat." but "What do you want to eat and why?" Then the importance of the child using judgment is the difference. Don't ignore what people have to say about food, but listen to what EVERYBODY has to say about food, and go out and try it. Make up your own mind. I don't want my kids to learn to rely on authority and then blame authority for failing them. I want them to be the authority, make mistakes, learn from them, and keep on doing that for a lifetime.

So while they're under my roof, that exploration is constantly going on. Why do you think that, why do you feel that, how did that work, can you find a way to make it better? And trying to live up to that philosophy as a role model, and not fall back into authority and blame myself. The result is that when my kids make mistakes, they are their mistakes, because they had choices. Stay up all night and screw up your homework and your grades? Well, it's your life. I can't and won't make you do what you know is right. I can provide you with all the theory and tools and support you need to do what's right, but the choice of doing it has to be yours.

Over time there's nothing to rebel against.

 

[angela146]

My feeling on parenting is that if a child grows up feeling (not just "knowing" but *feeling* deep in their soul) that mom and/or dad love them, that's 80% of it...

... and no matter how good/bad a parent is on the other 20%, it doesn't compensate for (or degrade) the 80%.

What breaks my heart are the kids (and adults) who say something like "I guess my mom loves me. She's my mom after all."

Worse yet are the ones who don't understand the concept because they've never been loved by anyone and have no clue what it feels like.

Sorry I'm somewhat off topic, but I wanted to put some perspective on the whole thing.

I don't have kids (biological problems) so I can't add much to the original topic.

 

[sr71plt]

We raised our kids to be independent and then moved out of the country until there was no chance they'd try to move back home.

 

[CharleyH]

I don't have kids, but I visited a childhood friend the other day and we were discussing inappropriate parenting behaviour. She has a daughter who is now the age we were when we met. I recalled her mother went through the whole "Joy of Sex" book with us when we were 11 - lol.

"OH GOD, I remember that," J said laughing with embarrassment. "Did you ever tell your mother?"

"Are you kidding? She'd have never let me come over to play again in this lifetime," I responded. lol

Anyhow, I was also recently visiting my brother and his monster. The boy is good, but the girl is going through a stage I can't even fathom having gone through. I call it the "Look at me, I'm KGB" stage (KGB standing for Kids Gone Bad and it's a phrase I sing to her when she's being a little bitch - she loves the movie Grease, by the way and what I sing rhymes with a song from it).

I seriously want to slap that kid upside the head! Not really, but that is what I think when visiting even for an hour let a lone two days. Unfortunately, the kids are not my brothers and his wife doesn't allow him to discipline them. It's kind of sad because most people want to slap my niece upside the head, too - lol. My brother's wife is SO NOT a disciplinarian. The kid pulls a tantrum and she says no, then the kid pulls more of a tantrum and she caves in. I can see my brother cringing every time. I do as well.

Anyhow, I feel that step-parents should have equal disciplinarian rights as parents.

i'd like to think that we think differently here on lit. not only about sex that is

what are your rules/ philosophy for raising kids? whats your no's and maybe's and absolutely's?

and what about sex? do you handle the topic differently with your kids than you would if you weren't a porn writer?

talk to me

 

[sr71plt]

"and what about sex? do you handle the topic differently with your kids than you would if you weren't a porn writer?"

I wasn't a porn writer when I was raising me kinds.

 

[Recidiva]

I don't have kids, but I visited a childhood friend the other day and we were discussing inappropriate parenting behaviour. She has a daughter who is now the age we were when we met. I recalled her mother went through the whole "Joy of Sex" book with us when we were 11 - lol.

"OH GOD, I remember that," J said laughing with embarrassment. "Did you ever tell your mother?"

"Are you kidding? She'd have never let me come over to play again in this lifetime," I responded. lol

Anyhow, I was also recently visiting my brother and his monster. The boy is good, but the girl is going through a stage I can't even fathom having gone through. I call it the "Look at me, I'm KGB" stage (KGB standing for Kids Gone Bad and it's a phrase I sing to her when she's being a little bitch - she loves the movie Grease, by the way and what I sing rhymes with a song from it).

I seriously want to slap that kid upside the head! Not really, but that is what I think when visiting even for an hour let a lone two days. Unfortunately, the kids are not my brothers and his wife doesn't allow him to discipline them. It's kind of sad because most people want to slap my niece upside the head, too - lol. My brother's wife is SO NOT a disciplinarian. The kid pulls a tantrum and she says no, then the kid pulls more of a tantrum and she caves in. I can see my brother cringing every time. I do as well.

Anyhow, I feel that step-parents should have equal disciplinarian rights as parents.

You should definitely not have kids.

I think parents think kids are going to be angelic little mini-adults that make them feel happy and joyous about being such good parents.

They're not. They're kids, inappropriate, rude, obnoxious. Hell, some of them never grow up.

You sorta have to love the chaos to be a good parent. The chaos and weird of growing up has to be okay while it's happening.

 

[cloudy]

I'm very open and honest with my kids - about everything.

Most of y'all know that my oldest son posts here on occasion. It causes zero problems. He doesn't want to know about my sex life, of course, but he does know I have one.

My feelings are that if it won't hurt them, won't hurt others, and isn't going to destroy property, I won't automatically say "no." Its something we can talk about.

 

[angela146]

So many ways that people learn seems to be based on the input of other people. What do people tell you to think? What do people tell you to feel? What do people tell you to eat?

If the focus as a parent isn't "This is what you should eat." but "What do you want to eat and why?" Then the importance of the child using judgment is the difference. Don't ignore what people have to say about food, but listen to what EVERYBODY has to say about food, and go out and try it. Make up your own mind. I don't want my kids to learn to rely on authority and then blame authority for failing them. I want them to be the authority, make mistakes, learn from them, and keep on doing that for a lifetime.

So while they're under my roof, that exploration is constantly going on. Why do you think that, why do you feel that, how did that work, can you find a way to make it better? And trying to live up to that philosophy as a role model, and not fall back into authority and blame myself. The result is that when my kids make mistakes, they are their mistakes, because they had choices. Stay up all night and screw up your homework and your grades? Well, it's your life. I can't and won't make you do what you know is right. I can provide you with all the theory and tools and support you need to do what's right, but the choice of doing it has to be yours.

Over time there's nothing to rebel against.

A lot of self-confidence is based on perception of risk. If you have a foundation of parental love - including acceptance of fallibility - then you have the ability to make mistakes and know that there are no *fundamental* consequences.

Consider the following:

Kid has been out late drinking (mistakes 1 and 2). She looks at her watch and thinks "OMG it's after [whatever hour]! Mom's going to kill me!".

Situation A: She has the self-confidence that comes from knowing that it's OK to screw up. She calls mom and asks her to come get her.

Situation B: She gets in her car, drives drunk at a ridiculous speed, and tries to get home so she can sneak inside the back door and not get caught(mistakes 4-7).

The difference between A and B has nothing to do with any lecture about "you can call me any time if you need to come get you".

The difference is whether she expects to get a hug when mom arrives to pick her up.

 

[Recidiva]

A lot of self-confidence is based on perception of risk. If you have a foundation of parental love - including acceptance of fallibility - then you have the ability to make mistakes and know that there are no *fundamental* consequences.

Consider the following:

Kid has been out late drinking (mistakes 1 and 2). She looks at her watch and thinks "OMG it's after [whatever hour]! Mom's going to kill me!".

Situation A: She has the self-confidence that comes from knowing that it's OK to screw up. She calls mom and asks her to come get her.

Situation B: She gets in her car, drives drunk at a ridiculous speed, and tries to get home so she can sneak inside the back door and not get caught(mistakes 4-7).

The difference between A and B has nothing to do with any lecture about "you can call me any time if you need to come get you".

The difference is whether she expects to get a hug when mom arrives to pick her up.

Yes, my daughter went through this a few ways.

She has a very funny story about how it happened, but basically when a friend called for her to go visit, she was sorta out of control of the driving and destination and plans. She never would have gone if this was their final destination....but they ended up at an old military base, condemned. The place was falling to pieces. They all got arrested.

It was midnight and I didn't have a car, she had to call my husband, who left work to go get her.

No lectures from either of us, he just said "First time's free. Second time...you get to wait until we feel like picking you up."

She's actually left tons of parties since. "There was cocaine. I was gone."

 

[sr71plt]

"I think parents think kids are going to be angelic little mini-adults that make them feel happy and joyous about being such good parents.

Our first--the son--was, in fact, an angelic miniadult. This made us assume we had the secret of parenting. And then the second one, a daughter, came along . . .

 

[CharleyH]

You should definitely not have kids.

I think parents think kids are going to be angelic little mini-adults that make them feel happy and joyous about being such good parents.

They're not. They're kids, inappropriate, rude, obnoxious. Hell, some of them never grow up.

You sorta have to love the chaos to be a good parent. The chaos and weird of growing up has to be okay while it's happening.

You make a very unjust assessment, Recidiva. Too bad.

 

[Recidiva]

You make a very unjust assessment, Recidiva. Too bad.

It's not unjust, it's just honest. Too bad.

 

[Recidiva]

"I think parents think kids are going to be angelic little mini-adults that make them feel happy and joyous about being such good parents.

Our first--the son--was, in fact, an angelic miniadult. This made us assume we had the secret of parenting. And then the second one, a daughter, came along . . .

My mom said the first thing. My eldest sister was perfect. It got worse from there. Four kids later...

 

[S-Des]

I'm fairly conservative with my daughter. My ex and I keep down the amount of input (i.e. violence, sex, language) she gets, within reason. She's too young for the sex topics, but we do talk about her body, privacy, and good touch-bad touch. Since she has two parents raising her separately, we have to try to work in tandem as much as possible, even though we don't get along at all. I'm really strict about not giving in to tantrums and whining, but give in a lot when she asks sincerely (in fact I usually tease her when she acts up). I've never spanked her, although I've swatted her a single time on several occasions when she did something really special (just to make sure she knows that's on the table ).

She attends a non-denominational church and seems to enjoy it. There's no point in forcing her because I know she'll just hate it, so I gently try to keep her involved. On the whole, she's one of the best behaved kids I've ever seen. I have no idea if that's because of genetics, the way we've raised her, or just pure luck. The one thing I always do is make sure she knows how much I love her (even on those occasions where she's with her friends and acts like I'm embarrassing her ).

 

[sr71plt]

"My mom said the first thing. My eldest sister was perfect. It got worse from there. Four kids later..."

We never actually said that to the second one (until she was old enough to laugh with us about it). Both of ours turned out equally pretty damned good (and neither has tried to move back home--knock on wood. Of course they both have larger houses than we've got now).

 

[Recidiva]

I'm fairly conservative with my daughter. My ex and I keep down the amount of input (i.e. violence, sex, language) she gets, within reason. She's too young for the sex topics, but we do talk about her body, privacy, and good touch-bad touch. Since she has two parents raising her separately, we have to try to work in tandem as much as possible, even though we don't get along at all. I'm really strict about not giving in to tantrums and whining, but give in a lot when she asks sincerely (in fact I usually tease her when she acts up). I've never spanked her, although I've swatted her a single time on several occasions when she did something really special (just to make sure she knows that's on the table ).

She attends a non-denominational church and seems to enjoy it. There's no point in forcing her because I know she'll just hate it, so I gently try to keep her involved. On the whole, she's one of the best behaved kids I've ever seen. I have no idea if that's because of genetics, the way we've raised her, or just pure luck. The one thing I always do is make sure she knows how much I love her (even on those occasions where she's with her friends and acts like I'm embarrassing her ).

What's the difference between a swat and a spank?

I raised my daughter without hitting her, until one occasion where when she was a lot older, I actually slapped her because I was just so sick of her behaving like a spoiled wench. I then slapped her on the other side and said "That's what you make people feel like doing. If you plan on calling child services, do so now, before I have to go to work."

It definitely made me feel better, and made her a bit nicer.

My son is autistic and when he was younger didn't understand verbal stuff. I realized at that point, that sometimes when he was very young and pre-verbal, getting his attention physically was the only way to do it, especially if he was in a dangerous situation and unesponsive to anything verbal.

So although I hate, hate, hate doing it. I have had to concede...it is occasionally required. Much as my mommy theories would love to say it's possible to raise a child without using physical punishment, it's the best thing for a very few situations, which I did come across. Luckily it's not an institution and more often just results in an enraged "HOW DARE YOU" child.

Which is good too.

 

[CharleyH]

It's not unjust, it's just honest. Too bad.

LOL - I am sure it is mini-ami.

 

[Recidiva]

LOL - I am sure it is mini-ami.

Yes, that's me.

Also, since you have no kids, you will forgive me if I speak my mind regarding people who can't tolerate other people's children without wanting to hit them after an hour.

Since I consider patience and understanding to be a large part of parenting, that is.