How do you over come your emotional scares?

[SexSweetheart]

It was suggested that I create my own thread with this question. I am very interesting in knowing the answer. All answers or suggestions are welcome, with the exception of "Get Past It."

I have read posts on another thread and came to an understand why I have problems finding the right man.

I realize Dom/Domme don't want to deal with emotional issues but many people have them. When someone with limited sexual experience tries to find the right person, these all issues come to the surface. Sometimes it is not acting out but a protective nature coming to the surface, and the tone of voice can become harsher, which I understand turns a possible mate off.

There was one thing that had not been covered, a person can be very protective of themselves because of past expereince. Why doesn't a Dom/Domme willing to deal with this? Work to get past this?

In this day and age, one must be protective because of the varying facts that hurt an individual. The biggest problem to get past is the emotional scares left by others. I 've heard the shit, 'get past it.' If I could get past it, I would not be 50 and still single.

Tell me how do you get past a bastard that pulled a knife you and cut you in a number of places? If I could understand how to get past that, and willing give up my trust at first site, I would try harder.

Can you tell me how to get past the emotional scares of being physical attacked?

 

[CutieMouse]

You are quite correct- everyone has baggage that needs to be dealt with in a relationship. (My baggage is all tucked away in this fabulous fantasy set of matching alligator luggage... )

Both parties (submissive and dominant, alike) have to deal with the history their partner brings into the relationship. Sometimes, it is possible to work with a partner's insecurities, fears, etc while in the relationship; sometimes a submissive or dominant has concerns or issues that are beyond the scope of their partner- and professional help needs to be sought. While I've read of a lot of people working through leftover issues from an abusive past through BDSM, Dom/mes are not therapists, and a loving, honest, trustworthy partner will know when to say a situation is beyond their ability.

I am so very sorry to hear of the fear and pain you've experienced. I'm not sure anyone ever "gets past" certain things. I believe there are ways to process traumatic events, and learn from them... coming out a stronger soul on the "other side", but that isn't the same as "getting past" something. I'm a rather big fan of *good* therapy for the most difficult situations Life throws at us, but I realize not everyone is comfortable with that. Regardless of therapy, the only thing I can think of is to know what your limits are, where your boundaries lie, what you need (and deserve) in a partner, and move forward- slowly and with great attention to communicating your feelings and fears, as well as joys.

As for giving up Trust at first site- I don't believe in it. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, and maybe there are more trusting souls than I on the planet, but my Trust is Earned.

 

[adventurous_1]

Well first of all it takes alot of courage to lay it out there like you did. Knowing that your previous trauma affects you still is an insight you can build on. Ive had people in my life that werent understanding of my past issues....and they are not in my life. I have had professional help for some previous abuse issues. Took some time to be intimate with anyone...let alone bdsm play. Please be gentle with you. You deserve that as well as a kind person that can care for all of you. Best wishes.

 

[snowy ciara]

I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out!

Seriously, I'm not sure how to get over it. I'm working on it, slowly and the memory does rear it's ugly head every time I start to get close to someone, bdsm-ey or not. It's not fair to potential partners when I start waiting for the hurting to start, but you know what, it happens and who the fuck ever said that life is fair? And some people have bailed on me, deciding I'm not worth the effort the effort to get past this stuff.

But not Dom/mes are like that. There are several here on Lit who've answered my questions, helped me out, who I've come to rely on for their good judgment. Some of them would be willing to risk the potential hand grenadeyness that is me if I didn't live in the back of beyond. Only a few of the people, (Dom/me or sub) that I've met here have decided that I'm not worth it. Yeah, that still hurts, but I've learned enough about myself that I'd do it again. Like Aeroil, I came to Lit at a time when I was coming out of a personal depression.

I think time, and patience with yourself is the only way out. Try not to rely on others to help you. Healing begins with you and if you rely on others to love you through this, it isn't going to work. People hurt you. Most of them don't mean too, or don't want to, or don't realize that they've said or done something that makes you want to die. So you have to work on healing yourself from inside. It isn't easy , and I'm not good at it yet. But I'm working on it.

 

[SexSweetheart]

I'm a rather big fan of *good* therapy for the most difficult situations Life throws at us, but I realize not everyone is comfortable with that. Regardless of therapy, the only thing I can think of is to know what your limits are, where your boundaries lie, what you need (and deserve) in a partner, and move forward- slowly and with great attention to communicating your feelings and fears, as well as joys.

As for giving up Trust at first site- I don't believe in it. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, and maybe there are more trusting souls than I on the planet, but my Trust is Earned.

You are right about Trust being earned. But I have meet some Doms that want you to have from step one instead of helping to break some of the walls down. I have meet some nice men that have helped to break some of the walls down or at least put cracks in them.

But for some to get pissed off because you express your beliefs to them, they back off before finding out the why and whatevers.

I have gone for therapy but they can't help with the inmate issues.

 

[SexSweetheart]

I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out!

Seriously, I'm not sure how to get over it. I'm working on it, slowly and the memory does rear it's ugly head every time I start to get close to someone, bdsm-ey or not. It's not fair to potential partners when I start waiting for the hurting to start, but you know what, it happens and who the fuck ever said that life is fair? And some people have bailed on me, deciding I'm not worth the effort the effort to get past this stuff.

But not Dom/mes are like that. There are several here on Lit who've answered my questions, helped me out, who I've come to rely on for their good judgment.

I think time, and patience with yourself is the only way out. Try not to rely on others to help you. Healing begins with you and if you rely on others to love you through this, it isn't going to work. People hurt you.

I agree with you. There are some people who are willing to help you out and answer questions.

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time of things as well.

I came to Lit after a fellow Lit member putted me out crying when he and I had our first cybersex. At the time it was fun, the next day I cried for the pain it caused. The next we had cybersex I want to scream 'STOP' but I didn't. I have been glad of that ever since. The next couple of session got easier and finally fun.

After that, I had some sexual cybersex with others. Then, I meet a dom through an IM server, who pulled me through another crack in the wall. He got me pasted being call different names that I didn't care for. With time I realized, it had to do with the playing I was doing and he didn't mean me harm. It took a couple of weeks but I got past it and another wall came falling down.

In many way, the therapy comes with good men that are will to put the effort out to help you. They realized that just because you are 50 years of age, your emotional sexual stage is not at the same level, it is still in the beginning stages.

 

[CutieMouse]

A man claming to be a Dominant, who expects submission from first contact is an asshat.

If you feel strong and assertive enough, it can be somewhat entertaining to mess with an asshat's mind. Otherwise just ignore them and move on.

People who are worth your time will take the time to get to know you. Period. If someone gets angry because you speak your mind, then consider it a favor that they eliminated themselves from your dating pool.

I'm sorry there are still unresolved issues from your past, haunting you. I know what it's like to have old hurts triggered... as trite as it sounds, it may just take time, the right relationship, and a (intelligent) leap of faith to be intimate with the right person.

 

[SexSweetheart]

Well first of all it takes alot of courage to lay it out there like you did. Knowing that your previous trauma affects you still is an insight you can build on. Ive had people in my life that werent understanding of my past issues....and they are not in my life. I have had professional help for some previous abuse issues. Took some time to be intimate with anyone...let alone bdsm play. Please be gentle with you. You deserve that as well as a kind person that can care for all of you. Best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. Maybe it takes courage or just a realization that there are others out there that are willing to help.

Because of my first bad relationship, one of the first things I ask a guy is, how much to you drink? or do you drink? Or what ever way I say at the time. If I found out they are drinkers, I say 'So Long.'

 

[SexSweetheart]

Well first of all it takes alot of courage to lay it out there like you did. Knowing that your previous trauma affects you still is an insight you can build on. I've had people in my life that weren't understanding of my past issues....and they are not in my life. I have had professional help for some previous abuse issues. Took some time to be intimate with anyone...let alone bdsm play. Please be gentle with you. You deserve that as well as a kind person that can care for all of you. Best wishes.

Thanks for your kind words.

I have learned to get by.

 

[SexSweetheart]

A man claming to be a Dominant, who expects submission from first contact is an asshat.

If you feel strong and assertive enough, it can be somewhat entertaining to mess with an asshat's mind. Otherwise just ignore them and move on.

People who are worth your time will take the time to get to know you. Period. If someone gets angry because you speak your mind, then consider it a favor that they eliminated themselves from your dating pool.

I'm sorry there are still unresolved issues from your past, haunting you. I know what it's like to have old hurts triggered... as trite as it sounds, it may just take time, the right relationship, and a (intelligent) leap of faith to be intimate with the right person.

Through time, I see that losing them are the best thing.

I have meet some nice people through my IM services that have helped me get through it all.

 

[SexSweetheart]

Through several IM chats I have meet a couple of men that have helped through some cracks in the walls, that lead to the walls come tumbling down.

The first one start and cybersex chat with me that was great fun. Of course, the next day, I was in tears. My heart cut out of my chest.

That night we chatted again, I wanted to scream "STOP IT," but I didn't. Thank goodness I didn't. After a couple more of those chats, I felt my heart healing and there was a spring in my step. Even people at work said I was a much more friendly.

The next crack, that I got through was learning to accept being call things, that I thought was not me. In a couple of weeks, I learned to accept it because the Dom I was chatting with, didn't back off. He was a strong man, that helped me to grow.

I even had a wonderful date with him in time. Unfornuately, there were a few other things that didn't work out. It came down to some sexual things that I would not do. We have chatted since then but never got together again.

The one thing that many men can't get past is my age of 50 and my inexperience in the sexual real life time. I didn't date between the ages of 25 to 45, my experience is not there. It was the young professor that pulled me through the cracks to start dating again. Thank goodness for him.

I hope you all don't mind just going on and on and on.

 

[kristyna]

I realize Dom/Domme don't want to deal with emotional issues but many people have them. When someone with limited sexual experience tries to find the right person, these all issues come to the surface. Sometimes it is not acting out but a protective nature coming to the surface, and the tone of voice can become harsher, which I understand turns a possible mate off.

Many people don't want to deal with emotional issues/baggage, but I think as we get older we almost expect that there will be some sort of emotional baggage. There are Dom/Dommes out there that know the difference in a gut reaction to something and acting out and they will respond accordingly.

I hope you don't mind me asking but ... how long ago was this relationship with the bastard? I only ask because it took close to 2 years before I even thought I might want to date. Then my thought process was so skewed that before the first date, I would be physically ill from the thought that one date might lead to two and eventually sex. Well there was no way I was going to be having sex with anybody so I'd just not ever go on the first date ... uhh hello, Houston we have a problem. My current relationship began as a friendship with somebody I thought was an interesting human being .. nothing more, nothing less.

I totally agree with what snowy said .....

I think time, and patience with yourself is the only way out. Try not to rely on others to help you. Healing begins with you and if you rely on others to love you through this, it isn't going to work. People hurt you. Most of them don't mean too, or don't want to, or don't realize that they've said or done something that makes you want to die. So you have to work on healing yourself from inside. It isn't easy , and I'm not good at it yet. But I'm working on it.

 

[SexSweetheart]

Many people don't want to deal with emotional issues/baggage, but I think as we get older we almost expect that there will be some sort of emotional baggage. There are Dom/Dommes out there that know the difference in a gut reaction to something and acting out and they will respond accordingly.

I hope you don't mind me asking but ... how long ago was this relationship with the bastard? I only ask because it took close to 2 years before I even thought I might want to date. Then my thought process was so skewed that before the first date, I would be physically ill from the thought that one date might lead to two and eventually sex. Well there was no way I was going to be having sex with anybody so I'd just not ever go on the first date ... uhh hello, Houston we have a problem. My current relationship began as a friendship with somebody I thought was an interesting human being .. nothing more, nothing less.

I totally agree with what snowy said .....

It lasted about a year. I have to tell you it was against my family wishes because it was interracial.

Part of me wanted to rebel from my family beliefs and anothe part wanted to the care this bastard was giving me. I just didn't realize how much he used me, and my money. It took years to pay of the debt he put me in.

I was one of those kids that got picked on in school and when someone finally paid attention to me, I got screwed major time. Unfornuately, I still have trouble with relationship because of the rejections I felt as a kid. What can I say, "I'm screwed up." I have tried many things have gotten hurt and went beyond, but still the mind is playing tricks on me.

 

[zetacon4]

You wouldn't believe how many...

people have very similar stories to tell. I know the media always shows a completely different view of social development in movies and TV. The real truth is, many of us suffer major failures to achieve what can be considered normal social lives.

My only positive comment will be that there is hope. It does take healing by self examination, but the strength must come from a source superior to one's own power. A dead battery never started anything. Same with a badly injured personal emotional self. You need external love, assurance and power to move you beyond your fears, memories and personal emotional habits.

I can only recommend spiritual help as the correct source of power to achieve any true healing. My personal beliefs point me to the only true source of power and healing: Christ and his love for me and all mankind.
He alone has the power to take us where we are and bring us the healing and love that we so desperately need. I speak from personal experience. If you have trouble finding good sources for this information, you may contact me if you like.

I am very proud to be a good friend of this thread starter, and will continue to be helpful and loving in any way I can. Hugs!

 

[SexSweetheart]

Over coming any scares is never easy. With the help of friends it can be done.

 

[LordHawk]

I believe that there is a problem in this society of men wanting to call themselves a Master or Dom or whatever the name of the month is just so they can boss a woman around, have their cock sucked whenever they want it and all that stuff. They do not realize that there is so much more to the relationship. Quite frankly, I would be somewhat worried if a woman gave herself completely to me on our first meeting. Regardless of the parameters of one's relationship, trust is a intregal part and must be earned. Personally, I have always been drawn to women who need help with something. But then, my little one has said I am naturally dominant and that I have this sense of noblesse oblige, so perhaps that has something to do with it.
It appears you have met some men who are willing to help you and that is a great thing. There are more out there who realize that being a master entails responsibility. Just don't give up.

 

[Aeroil]

Aeroil comes /w some assembly required I'm afraid :/

The good ones won't want a quick fix anyway.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

How is your circle of real life friends, may I ask SexSweetheart? You have talked about people on IM who have helped you with relationship/sexual issues but there really is nothing like a RL friend with whom to share such personal things.

There are therapists who can help you through intimate issues and the past abuse by your ex-partner. Don't allow yourself to think that D/s feelings and relationships are taboo in this day and age. If this is a big part of your personal identity it's important that any therapist knows this. They cannot help you with anything you do not tell them about. You may have to go through a few therapists in order to find the right one but I do think it's worth the effort in order to be properly understood by the person you're trusting with something as important as your mental/emotional health.

If possible, look to widen your circle of friends to include a few lifestylers in whom you can trust and confide. Look for local events/munches and psyche yourself up to attend something you like the look of. If you don't like it you don't have to stay, you need never see any of the people there ever again. If you do like it you may make some valuable acquaintances. That said, be careful of trusting too quickly. A friend is just as important a decisions as a life partner.

Keep talking to people as you are doing here, don't become too isolated. BDSM can become too guarded a secret and isolation makes us vulnerable.

Wishing you all the best

 

[SweetErika]

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a therapist who specialized in trauma, assault and PTSD helped me overcome a lot of the emotional problems and intimacy issues. Breaking down those walls is exactly what CBT does; it's all about replacing negative thoughts and emotions with healthy, positive ones, which leads to a happier, healthier existence.

I can't say enough good things about that specific type of therapy with someone who knows what they're doing, really. It saved my life and marriage. I never could have overcome the issues alone or with simple counseling - they were far too deep and mangled after I spent a few years trying to 'get past it' on my own.

What I've learned is a good partner doesn't ignore your issues or tell you to get over them. Instead, they hold your hand as you work through them, supporting and giving a little tug or push when necessary.

I hope you find the help and support you need, SS.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I will add my support to Erika's advice:

Find a counsellor who specializes in trauma recovery. It may take time to find one who is a good fit but it will be worth it.

And I'll echo Velvet Darkness too:

Meet and make friends in your local kink community. Approach potential relationships slowly, be friends first. If something develops later, that's all well and good.

Good Luck in your journey and healing!

 

[coy_one]

I wrote a long response and lost it when my computer flipped. It basically echoed Erika's and Geoff's responses.

I went through Post Traumatic Stress Counseling and it made a world of difference for me to restart my life.
There is also a psychological aspect to D/s relationships. I have met a Dominant who helps me become a better woman. It means no longer doing the self destructive habits that I used to do. It means giving me the praise that I need, when I need it, because I've listened to the guidance he's given me. He praises me, by listening to him, I in turn feel fulfilled from that praise - symbiotic. I believe it takes the balls to learn who you are, figure out what you want - then having the courage to go after it. The rewards far outweigh the hardships when you do finally follow that formula.

 

[SexSweetheart]

I wrote a long response and lost it when my computer flipped. It basically echoed Erika's and Geoff's responses.

I went through Post Traumatic Stress Counseling and it made a world of difference for me to restart my life.
There is also a psychological aspect to D/s relationships. I have met a Dominant who helps me become a better woman. It means no longer doing the self destructive habits that I used to do. It means giving me the praise that I need, when I need it, because I've listened to the guidance he's given me. He praises me, by listening to him, I in turn feel fulfilled from that praise - symbiotic. I believe it takes the balls to learn who you are, figure out what you want - then having the courage to go after it. The rewards far outweigh the hardships when you do finally follow that formula.

Thanks for your advice. I will have to seek about this kind of help.
http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/1.gif

 

[SexSweetheart]

I will add my support to Erika's advice:

Find a counsellor who specializes in trauma recovery. It may take time to find one who is a good fit but it will be worth it.

And I'll echo Velvet Darkness too:

Meet and make friends in your local kink community. Approach potential relationships slowly, be friends first. If something develops later, that's all well and good.

Good Luck in your journey and healing!

I have been making friends slowly and carefully.
http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/1.gif

 

[SexSweetheart]

Aeroil comes /w some assembly required I'm afraid :/

The good ones won't want a quick fix anyway.

this true
http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/1.gif

 

[13thFallenAngel]

Just putting in my 2 cents!

It's not fair for people to simply say "get past it" or "get over it". Anyone over the Internet saying that and claiming to be a Dom/me is a faker. Anyone saying that in real life ought to be slapped for their insensitivity. But that's just me.

Emotional scars are one of the worst things to have and cannot be "get over" in a short period of time like physical wounds. I have a friend whose bf held a knife to her throat and she flinches and bites whenever anyone gets close to her neck now.

Admittedly, therapy is a good way to help but having support from friends and or family is also good.

I am not sure if emotional wounds can ever heal fully but I have the belief with lots of help one can at least manage it.....the trouble is, finding the support....