How do you make the leap??

[cookiecat]

I'm just curious how you guys have made the leap from exploring, fantasizing, masturbating over, reading about, posting gifs on lit to participating in it?

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

 

[hornynhardm4f]

Quite simply, finding that person you connect with. To the point where you enjoy the interaction so much it seeps into your psyche, becomes more than desire, a real physical need.

 

[cookiecat]

to hornyhard: How did you find that person?


The reason I'm asking is not so much for myself as it is for others reading. I started exploring bdsm about 15 years ago - around the time I got divorced and the time I discovered the internet.

I was on another site, reading A LOT of bdsm themed stories, when I hit the wrong button and entered a world kind of like Lit. Lots of fun and games, a question and answer section, a chat room.

The nifty thing this site had was a "training" place for newbie submissives and dominants. Sooo - a newbie Dominant could create a task, have it vetted by "oldie" Dominants and then put the task out there. A newbie sub - like me at the time - could request a task. The Dom/me who created the task would give the person who requested it a time frame to complete it. I had to report back in the forum how I felt, how I completed it, answer any other questions. It was a safe way to explore what I liked, didn't like, begin to understand terminology.

At that time, on site above, I met someone who was my first Dominant. We actually met in one of the fun and games threads - a lot like the Playground here.
We started bantering back and forth and then it just took off from there.

We monkeyed around online for about 3 months and then met in real life. It was an excellent first real time experience. He knew I wanted more than he had to offer and helped me find groups in my local community.

It took me a few months to get the nerve up to go to a munch, but I did. I messaged the moderator of the group and said I was super scared! He said come to the munch, no one will point or laugh or be mean to me!

I used - and still use - Fet Life as a way to keep in touch with stuff going on locally. I've been really fortunate to meet a great group of friends through the local community.

I also used other kink sites as a way to date. That was generally a fiasco BUT I did meet my husband on one of those sites.

So my question is for those folks who aren't sure how to make that leap. Not just in real life, but online as well. I remember thinking I could never ever message anyone - that wouldn't be submissive of me! Or that I had to answer every message people sent me, regardless if the person was an asshat - because it wouldn't be submissive of me not to answer!

Maybe this thread is moot? People just meet because that's how ya do it!? No big deal??

 

[Angedesoleil]

Hiya Cookie ( like your new avy)
Well, mine is going back 12 years now...
For me, it started out real, moved online, back real, and now back ?both? ... Complicated.
I started out because my now extremely ex- husband had an addiction to this site. It hurt me a great deal when I found out, but that wasn't productive ...so I asked him to show me what he was reading. Many fiascos off topic later, and he was out of my life, but I'd learned I was submissive. I kept looking/ reading online ( old yahoo chatrooms D3, D8, collarme, and here..). I did actually NOT respond to most people, but one man sent me a message I HAD to reply to. It was too funny. He was significantly older, very experienced, and not at all intimidating to me. We used to talk about life and hardship. We were both caring for aging ailing parents. We used to talk about if "we got a day" just a day to do anything. No kink involved. He suggested we make that happen. I didn't expect he'd print out my checklist from collar me, but he did...and after a few hours once we were comfy he knocked a few bucket list items off my list. Lol. Needless to say he was very smooth in the way he finagled that. Fond memories. After him, I was off of everything for YEARS. I'm just now back. Real life once again found me, I never went looking for it, so *cheers* to that.

PS: DUDE why do we NOT do that?? The tasks up for grab thing *I'm so in it's not funny how in I am!!!* Seriously, where do I sign up, and why don't we do that? The whole thing sounds truly perfect. Especially including the requirement of discussion afterward. Wisdom right there.

 

[Nezhul]

Just talked to a girl and said I wanted to hold her hands behind her back. It kind of just developed slowly from there. It was, I think, very gradual from vanilla to kinky for me, slowly including ideas.

 

[leather_spitfire]

the first person i properly explored D/s with, like in real life, i met online at a forum dedicated to something completely unrelated. we bantered for a long time and, y’know after a while you just start to open up to someone? general life things at first and she invited me to come to hers for a weekend to go to her local beach and watch sport... anyway you get to know someone and, sort of inevitably with online based chat, the conversation moved on to sex. we had a shared interest and curiosity about the world of BDSM and pet play in particular. so the next time i went to visit with her, we dipped our toes into that particular water together.

 

[Mindfondler]

I knew from an early age that I had some unconventional fantasies. It's only in the last few years that I've been able to overcome my feelings of shame and denial about them. Now I'm an active participant in the UK scene, happily enacting some of the scenarios that previously troubled me. I'm much more comfortable with myself as a result.

The change for me came in several stages.

The first step was my realisation (primarily by reading stories on Literotica and elsewhere) that my seemingly degenerate thoughts weren't as uncommon as I had imagined. That was a great comfort to me as I struggled with the dichotomy of being perceived by all around me (including my wife, Tinglebliss) as a "good boy" — a paragon of virtue — whilst knowing that I didn't match up to that billing internally.

My next step was exploration. Soon after joining Lit seven years ago, I sought advice from friendly Litsters on what was going through my head. I received several helpful responses with practical ideas on how I could make peace with what I had perceived to be a monster lurking within me. The "light bulb moment" for me was making connections with individuals whom I considered to be kind, balanced, ethical human beings — yet whom I knew to be harbouring safely similar internal monsters.

One of the actions that I took from advice that I received then was to sound out Tinglebliss on her potential interest in kink. I dropped hints, left little messages, and tried incorporating bondage-related items such as blindfolds and cuffs into our sexy play. Unfortunately, none of them worked! In retrospect, my timing was just wrong — Tinglebliss was so busy juggling other responsibilities (which, in reality, would have made our participation in the kink scene impossible) that she didn't register the concepts that I was trying to get across. I chose to bury those explorations for a while as I didn't want them to become a cause of conflict or frustration in our happy and loving relationship. Kink was still a nagging desire for me, but I wasn't going to let it be a deal-breaker for us.

Nearly three years ago, I felt that the time was right for me to raise the topic of kink again with Tinglebliss, as our wider responsibilities had eased and we were much freer agents to explore together. This time, I came bluntly to the point, explaining to her about my kinky side, its history and the types of things that I was keen on doing. I told Tinglebliss that I wanted her to know about this because I couldn't hide it from her any more, but that I didn't wish to put her under any pressure to participate. I was dreading her response, though, because I knew that she hadn't shown any obvious interest when I dropped hints to her before. I feared that she was through-and-through the "good girl" that she appeared on the outside to be.

To my surprise, Tinglebliss didn't run for the hills. She said that she was interested and asked me to tell her more. It was a scenario that I simply hadn't planned for — I had expected to be on the defensive, trying to justify to her my disgusting and depraved inner urges. I recall a long silent pause during which I struggled to re-gather my thoughts. We look back now with giggles at that moment when I was frozen in place with an aghast expression on my face, trying to figure out how to come to terms with the good news.

Fortunately, my brain freeze didn't last too long. Within a few days, Tinglebliss and I set off together to our first BDSM munch, where we were welcomed by a group of friendly, sincere, down-to-earth kinksters. We even played there, as it was held in a venue with a small dungeon annexe. That gave us the positive start that we needed, and we've had a blast since then.

At first, Tinglebliss and I focussed on learning new skills together and practising them on each other. That was the natural way for us to operate, and we found enough overlap in our kinky interests for that to keep us both satisfied for some time. However, we're both branching out now, as we recognise that we both have wider individual interests. We've been starting to play confidently with others, individually and together. We've been discovering the pleasure of seeing each other fulfilled in ways that wouldn't have been possible before.

As time goes on, we're finding that our kinky desires are evolving — we're both moving on from our initial understandings of ourselves. We believe and hope that will continue. Tinglebliss and I are starting to contemplate possibilities that would have been unthinkable for us just three years ago. For example, last week we attended a workshop on ethical polyamory, which we found not just comfortable but also helpful as we consider our next moves.
.

 

[SissySalina]

I'm just curious how you guys have made the leap from exploring, fantasizing, masturbating over, reading about, posting gifs on lit to participating in it?

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

Sorry cookiecat but sissy's bdsm was long before the internet. Just an old relic left hanging around. Started with magazines when sissy was in Germany eons ago.
Dabbled in it for a while, it was an off and on thing, first wife did not get into it so it faded for years. Then met the right person and it just fell into play.

 

[msub50some]

I really like this thread cookie. Just these few posts have really made me think.

Like sissy said, I got interested in BDSM at an early age with magazines [anyone remember Penthouse Variations?). Early internet, AOL chatrooms really made it take off for me, and I had to try something real. Unfotunately, I knew my wife would never go for it and decided to try something extramarital. I traveled for business quite a bit then and arranged meetings with Dommes in the cities I traveled to who I met through the chatrooms. Some of those were good, but nothing continuing. I also took a lot of stupid risks that way.

I also tried online and phone submission, which I found a little safer. A couple of those lasted longer, but it required me to keep a set of toys to travel with that I could never keep hidden very well. That's how my wife found out about my activities. We've gotten through that, but I still find myself fantasizing about it and coming back to this site for a bir of an outlet. I'll also confess that I still try for an online hookup from time to time.

 

[Primalex]

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

There was no leap for me.

I realized being sexually deviant while watching "regular" movies.
Death Wish, Flesh and Blood, Evil Dead, ...

The inability to pursue my desires was due to my age at that time and the lack of willing female bodies. Once this changed, I pursued it, but it still took me years to find peace within myself.

 

[Mindfondler]

I really like this thread cookie. Just these few posts have really made me think.

I agree! I'm surprised that this thread hasn't taken off more. Maybe not as many people here have managed to make the leap from fantasizing to participating as I was previously given to believe.
.

 

[removed9556]

 

[Mindfondler]

Perhaps they are a bit tied up at the moment.

*doffs hat*

Well played, sir!
.

 

[seela]

I agree! I'm surprised that this thread hasn't taken off more. Maybe not as many people here have managed to make the leap from fantasizing to participating as I was previously given to believe.
.

At least in my case I haven't answered, because there really is no leap that I've ever made.

The first time I bdsm'ed was also the first time I had sex. I knew it was something I was interested in from early on and I was lucky enough that my first real boyfriend was also open to the idea.

 

[Captainnumnuts]

I've made the leap several times. I don't recall posting it on Lit beforehand nor after.

 

[ilCacciatore]

The first and only person I've ever gotten to actually engage in BDSM with just came about as a right place, right time, right mind kind of thing. We worked together, had actually know each other long before, and were both very open people so we'd discussed it in several contexts.

It started how most relationships start (at least mine). The flirting was first and went on for a while. It escalated and escalated to the point where one night when we both had to stay behind at the office to wait for IT to come and fix our system I simply asked and she went for it.

 

[HomerSimpson123]

De-lurking long enough to say "Thanks" to everyone who has posted on this thread, especially the OP and Mindfondler.

 

[SalvDali]

I had been married about 13 years when we began actual bdsm. I had always watched bondage porn and fantasized about doing it for real but I had always assumed my wife was mor conservative than she really is. I used her kindle to look for a book one day and was a little shocked to see what she was reading. Even then. Fantasy and actuality aren’t always the same so it never came up. Then when the 50 shades books came out and she began reading them, we actually talked about it a little but still nothing came of it.

After the first movie hit dvd I watched it with her and we had a more serious conversation about it. At this point my fantasies were limited to light bondage and I think she was holding back about how deep hers went. I ended up going out to the local sex shop to pick up some nipple clamps but I came home with a pair plus our first restraints. That bondage tape which I do not particularly care for. Later I ended up tieing her up with neck ties and well that lit the fuse to where we are now a few years later. Never would have thought the best sex in my life would start after I was 40 but here I am and it’s amazing so far.

I fount lit shortly after we bagan dabbling and have been here absorbing as much kinky knowledge as I can find lol

 

[Subtle28]

I'm just curious how you guys have made the leap from exploring, fantasizing, masturbating over, reading about, posting gifs on lit to participating in it?

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

For me, I was looking into the difference between EMDR and hypnosis, and came across an Erotic Hypnosis site. I got into that big for a while. It helped me with the concept of letting go, surrendering, and submission.....in order to get down in trance, your mind can't be so critical.....it lead me to more of a Femdom BDSM, where I did some basic on-line stuff with some specific hypnodommes.....and then experimenting in real life with a real domme.....and then another......for me, the reality has never been as good as the fantasy, so I am still looking for the right domme. It's like I keep going further down the rabbit hole.....

Right now, I'm in a solid relationship so I am channeling my thoughts in the Lit world....is this what you were asking about?

 

[MistressCassy]

I'm just curious how you guys have made the leap from exploring, fantasizing, masturbating over, reading about, posting gifs on lit to participating in it?

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

I have always known that I enjoyed bondage and domination / submission. Way back when I watched movies growing up when someone was put into handcuffs I felt turned on and knew there was something "different" about me.

I have been open in my relationships because I never wanted a regular missionary position life and it was important for me that whoever I am with knew what my expectations were and that they felt the same way.

Lots of discussion before each play session so both of us knew what each other liked and hated and then the games began.

Sometimes making the leap is easier in text for both sides - you can be much more free without being shy for any reason and it can give you a good idea of where the fireworks start for the actual events.

 

[Miles Long]

For me it started in my mid 20s, when I finally decided to stop fantasizing about things and just tell the girl I was dating that I really wanted to try some of it. Looking back, that was all pretty basic BDSM 101 type stuff, but it was an important first step in making that leap. Years later I decided to get active in the local kink community because I realized it would help me learn more and also make it easier to find friends and lovers with whom I could discuss it all. The impetus that time was just realizing that it would be a much more efficient way to engage in BDSM for me.

 

[PtyLips]

I've always known about my submissive side and my kink leanings. I had a lot of fantasies, watched a few soft core movies and played around with pain and dicipline without even knowing that I was having alternative sexual ideas. When I discovered the internet in the late 90's I started reading a lot of stories and started to get a broader sense of the terminology, but I was too afraid to make the step in the real world. My first serious partner and I dabbled a little with some light kink and it was fun, but I wasn't brave enough to put into words what I wanted. I had a short online D/s "fling" which finally pushed the fog away for me and gave me a clearer idea of what I wanted. It still took about 25 years until I got to the point that I decided I would go after what I wanted. I answered a Dom's ad and ended up in a D/s relationship for a while.

 

[Dreamliner]

I'm just curious how you guys have made the leap from exploring, fantasizing, masturbating over, reading about, posting gifs on lit to participating in it?

The leap might be into an online relationship or into real time, hand-on kink or D/s. But what gave you the push to pursue it in a more real way?

I have been into B&D for a long time cookie, I started exploring in my late 20's. Long before Lit. I found Lit quite early on, had a previous Nic here, left Lit and came back and have stayed off and on over the years.

The posting here is images I like, I don't tend to engage much in online chat, however, from time to time there is a spark with a eprson and we engage online for a while. I have also met Lit people from time to time, not just in my own country.

I enjoy the chat, getting to know them and open talk.

 

[Angedesoleil]

I'm really surprised that a lot of us started in our 20s. The reason being, in my early 20s I had to fight tooth and nail in my local community to be taken seriously because they were dead set that someone that young couldn't know what they wanted. I appreciated the concern, and I knew it was coming from a good place though. I'm curious if this was a common experience or if it was an anomaly.

 

[seela]

I'm really surprised that a lot of us started in our 20s. The reason being, in my early 20s I had to fight tooth and nail in my local community to be taken seriously because they were dead set that someone that young couldn't know what they wanted. I appreciated the concern, and I knew it was coming from a good place though. I'm curious if this was a common experience or if it was an anomaly.

I can relate to this as well.

I got engaged with the community in my early 20s, and at that point I had already been doing BDSM for some years. I was very much talked down to and not taken seriously. Someone in their 40s with zero experience of BDSM beyond some online roleplay was automatically taken a lot more seriously. I understand why that is, but it was pretty frustrating at times.

At the same time older guys flocked to me, just because of my young age and supposed naivete. When it became obvious that I wasn't the completely naive and delicate subbie they thought I was and could actually keep up with the conversation and question some of the things they posed as ultimate truths or whatever, many of them lost interest.

It was a funny situation to be in. On one hand I felt like I was expected to prove myself over and over for people to take me seriously, but when I did, people lost interest because I wasn't a delicate little thing needing to be saved from myself. Not that I particularly minded, because I was already involved with someone at that point. But the whole pattern made me chuckle a little, because it repeated so often.