How do you know?

[Valleyl81]

wow, i disagree with the above completely. i've never believed that submissive or dominant orientation could be judged by what turns you on. especially in the case of a submissive, because of the desire to please and often an inability to refuse others...there are bound to be many sexual experiences that are not in any way physical turn-ons, but which still in some inexplicable way simply feel right. "right," as in, this is where i belong, this is what i am. not "right," as in oh this is yummy, or even as in, "this is a good/positive thing." but eh, those are just my feelings on the matter.

Hi ownedsubgal, thanks for popping in. I've recently read several of your posts, and was wondering if you'd stop by. However, I also have to say, with all due respect, that I have a hard time relating to you... it seems like your mind and mine are in completely different universes. I still find it interesting to hear your perspective, though.

I just read your post in the "submissiveness, could it be genetic" thread (http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29824672&postcount=56), and it seems very much related to this, too. I think your idea of what it means to be submissive is exactly what I thought it was before I really started looking around and asking questions. If you had asked me a year ago what it meant to be submissive, I would have said similar things to you. And that was my first bit of conflict because I am not like that at all. Things like "an inability to refuse others" have never been part of who I am.

In the post linked above, you said "to submit or dominate within a relationship, and to actually BE dominant or submissive, are quite different." Is it possible to BE one within a relationship and BE the other with everyone else in the world? Or does that dichotomy negate itself and therefore leave you as neither?

 

[ownedsubgal]

Hi ownedsubgal, thanks for popping in. I've recently read several of your posts, and was wondering if you'd stop by. However, I also have to say, with all due respect, that I have a hard time relating to you... it seems like your mind and mine are in completely different universes. I still find it interesting to hear your perspective, though.

I just read your post in the "submissiveness, could it be genetic" thread (http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29824672&postcount=56), and it seems very much related to this, too. I think your idea of what it means to be submissive is exactly what I thought it was before I really started looking around and asking questions. If you had asked me a year ago what it meant to be submissive, I would have said similar things to you. And that was my first bit of conflict because I am not like that at all. Things like "an inability to refuse others" have never been part of who I am.

In the post linked above, you said "to submit or dominate within a relationship, and to actually BE dominant or submissive, are quite different." Is it possible to BE one within a relationship and BE the other with everyone else in the world? Or does that dichotomy negate itself and therefore leave you as neither?

imo, and imo only mind you, that dichotomy would make you "normal." it's completely normal and typical in the vanilla world for a person to be naturally assertive and dominant in some circumstances, and naturally subservient and submissive in others. that doesn't make you "a" submissive or dominant person, it makes you a normal, balanced individual. when you do not have that balance, when you sway to one side or the other so strongly and consistently that the other side is an impossibility...that is what would define a person as "a" submissive or dominant.

 

[intothewoods]

imo, and imo only mind you, that dichotomy would make you "normal." it's completely normal and typical in the vanilla world for a person to be naturally assertive and dominant in some circumstances, and naturally subservient and submissive in others. that doesn't make you "a" submissive or dominant person, it makes you a normal, balanced individual. when you do not have that balance, when you sway to one side or the other so strongly and consistently that the other side is an impossibility...that is what would define a person as "a" submissive or dominant.

I consider myself a balanced individual who is relatively "normal." I also consider myself a submissive.

 

[Etoile]

wow, i disagree with the above completely. i've never believed that submissive or dominant orientation could be judged by what turns you on. especially in the case of a submissive, because of the desire to please and often an inability to refuse others...there are bound to be many sexual experiences that are not in any way physical turn-ons, but which still in some inexplicable way simply feel right. "right," as in, this is where i belong, this is what i am. not "right," as in oh this is yummy, or even as in, "this is a good/positive thing." but eh, those are just my feelings on the matter.

*raises hand*
Anal sex.

 

[Contrectation]

It may assist you to think of any D/s relationship in the context of leadership. One will predominately set and steer the course. The other will follow the navigation and find comfort in a supporting role.

The difficulty for most, I suspect, is that it is always very easy for us to recognize the distinction in roles at the extremes but it is when we are at or near the center of the bell shaped curve that our perspectives become perplexing. In this situation we are compelled to achieve our response/understanding through significantly greater analysis. And, like all other social interactions the clarity will be gray and not the black and white that would give us instant comfort.

There is alas one other component that is seldom discussed but one that permeates the dynamics of any D/s relationship. That is, the relative strength of each partner's capacities. Obviously, the easiest to recognize would be the very strong dominant and the very submissive partner. Once again as we approach the center of the bell shaped curve it becomes difficult. The answer resides in the compatibility - all parameters - that the evolving D/s couple experience.

How do they recognize that they are compatible. Really it's no different than reading the postings on this site. We find, through indefinable means, that we are attuned to the logic, composition of some rather than others and we gravitate to them. Each element will be the same and where the couple is concerned when they amass a given number of elements they simply have found that they are more comfortable together than they would be apart.

Yes, there are mysteries but not all need be so.

 

[bethpage]

That was awesome, Contrectation. Talking about finding something that just resonates.

It may assist you to think of any D/s relationship in the context of leadership. One will predominately set and steer the course. The other will follow the navigation and find comfort in a supporting role.

The difficulty for most, I suspect, is that it is always very easy for us to recognize the distinction in roles at the extremes but it is when we are at or near the center of the bell shaped curve that our perspectives become perplexing. In this situation we are compelled to achieve our response/understanding through significantly greater analysis. And, like all other social interactions the clarity will be gray and not the black and white that would give us instant comfort.

There is alas one other component that is seldom discussed but one that permeates the dynamics of any D/s relationship. That is, the relative strength of each partner's capacities. Obviously, the easiest to recognize would be the very strong dominant and the very submissive partner. Once again as we approach the center of the bell shaped curve it becomes difficult. The answer resides in the compatibility - all parameters - that the evolving D/s couple experience.

How do they recognize that they are compatible. Really it's no different than reading the postings on this site. We find, through indefinable means, that we are attuned to the logic, composition of some rather than others and we gravitate to them. Each element will be the same and where the couple is concerned when they amass a given number of elements they simply have found that they are more comfortable together than they would be apart.

Yes, there are mysteries but not all need be so.

 

[RJMasters]

How do I know?

It started with guilt and anger, which I traded in for romantic idealism, then had a lot of doses of the real which clarified my perspective leaving me to accept some things about myself that were quite frankly a bit hard to do. I spent some time learning about others, helping others, and being friends to others who struggled through many of the same stretch of road as me. In doing so I learned more about myself, helped myself, and came to some kind of peace with myself.

Of course this all took time and many expereinces. And that's how I know.

One can have book knowledge.
One can even identify or claim differeing levels of understandings.
But only time and expereince can add "confidence" of what you know and understand. And it from this confidence in which wisdom is born.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

How do I know?...
One can have book knowledge.
One can even identify or claim differeing levels of understandings.
But only time and expereince can add "confidence" of what you know and understand. And it from this confidence in which wisdom is born.

Wow, RJM. Perfectly said. BTW, long time no see*waves*

 

[eastern sun]

(post deleted)

I don't know.

 

[groove_kid]

I'm definitely a sub. I go with guys who take charge and tell me what to do.
I love being used.

 

[Condatis]

I believe that in a persons heart of heart...you know early on. That is not to say that there are different degrees...

Compassionate Dom

 

[Etoile]

This thread keeps putting the song from "Enchanted" into my head.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Hi there.

I'm also a total newbie and just taking the plunge to try and find someone I can experiment with and learn from. I'm 25 and submissive. This is such an interesting thread and I've been following it for a while. There are so many takes on BDSM and so many ways to get involved that I never knew about before. Thanks from me anyway, to all the experienced people who took the time to contribute.

 

[RJMasters]

Wow, RJM. Perfectly said. BTW, long time no see*waves*

Waves back.