How do you know if your a sub or a dom?

[Frixie]

I've never tried and BDSM, I've fantasized about it alot and enjoyed the stories I've read about on Lit but I've never had the opportunity to try it out (Highschool still and all the guys I've been with are just pumped to be geting laid lol)

Anyway I'm looking for something a little more...and I'm just curious, how do you know if your a sub or a dom?

In RL I'm very assertive and outgoing but I think thats maybe because all the guys I've every had relationships with have been so gentle and weak...like they needed to be guided. When I fantasize about about BDSM I feel closest to a rebellious sub. Is that even a possible role?

 

[graceanne]

How you are in your daytime job and life quite often have nothing to do with whether you're a sub or dom/me. From what I've read generally subs are people who are in control in their lives, and dom's are people who aren't. That's what I hear, at least. I hate to make it simplistic, but the simple answer to your question is:

Do you want to submit? Or do you want to dominate?

 

[TooTiredToLive]

Do you want to submit? Or do you want to dominate?

(Not commenting on the first part of that post, but ... )

Perhaps a slightly better phrasing of the question would be, "Do you need to submit? Or do you need to dominate?"

 

[nh23]

(Not commenting on the first part of that post, but ... )

Perhaps a slightly better phrasing of the question would be, "Do you need to submit? Or do you need to dominate?"

Yep it's that simple... or she could be a bratty sub i guess...

 

[CutieMouse]

(Not commenting on the first part of that post, but ... )

Perhaps a slightly better phrasing of the question would be, "Do you need to submit? Or do you need to dominate?"

Want and/or need are both perfectly valid viewpoints from which to approach BDSM, and don't necessarily have anything to do with being a brat.

A good place to start might be with paying attention to what "clicks" with you when you read BDSM based erotica- do you identify more with the person in control, or the person giving up control? When you're sexually active, do you like to run the show, or get pinned down and let your partner call the shots? Or do you like both? (also perfectly acceptable)

 

[Crea(m)]

Not everyone is either a sub or a Dom. If you have to ask which you are, the odds are high you are neither of them yet. You could be a switch. The real answer will be found when you get a partner you trust and play until you find what pleases you most, submitting or dominating. If you never decide that one appeals to you more than the other then you probably are not a true Dom or a true sub. Nothing is wrong with that. It is only a matter of who you are.

 

[CutieMouse]

If you never decide that one appeals to you more than the other then you probably are not a true Dom or a true sub. Nothing is wrong with that. It is only a matter of who you are.

"True" Doms and subs are only found in kink-fairy grottos, alongside Bigfoot, Vampires, and the Loc Ness Monster. People are what they are; there is no test or secret handshake to determine one's "trueness" with regards to BDSM. LOL

 

[Crea(m)]

"True" Doms and subs are only found in kink-fairy grottos, alongside Bigfoot, Vampires, and the Loc Ness Monster. People are what they are; there is no test or secret handshake to determine one's "trueness" with regards to BDSM. LOL

I don't agree. True Doms and subs might be rare. I don't have enough experience to know. I am sure though that some people only find pleasure in either Dominating or submitting and not both. These people are certainly very real and not simply from the land of make believe.

 

[sister76]

(Not commenting on the first part of that post, but ... )

Perhaps a slightly better phrasing of the question would be, "Do you need to submit? Or do you need to dominate?"

I agree with this. I have always dominated, but my real "need" is to submit. Always has been. Only to one person, though, who is stronger than me.

 

[Chicklet]

there's nothing wrong with trying some of each before you decide what you like = )

 

[Frixie]

Thanks for the replies guys. I know my post must of sounded super naive huh? But hey thats what teenagers are for

Anyways the advice helps. Guess I just have to experiment and see what fits best huh?

 

[sister76]

Thanks for the replies guys. I know my post must of sounded super naive huh? But hey thats what teenagers are for

Anyways the advice helps. Guess I just have to experiment and see what fits best huh?

You don't sound naive at all. It's a common question.

 

[Netzach]

Eh, I just knew from what I thought about and got me hottest. I never really had the "whisked away" fantasies that are way normal for girls.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I don't agree. True Doms and subs might be rare. I don't have enough experience to know. I am sure though that some people only find pleasure in either Dominating or submitting and not both. These people are certainly very real and not simply from the land of make believe.

I think Cutie's objection isn't to people identifying as "all" Dominant or "all" submissive, but to the use of the word "true".

Which is usually associated with comments like "you aren't a TRUE submissive if you question my skills!" Or "You aren't a TRUE Dominant unless you practice flaming cat juggling at least 3 times a day!"

Using the word "true" (or "real" for that matter) is often perceived as judgemental and coming from someone with an attitude of "_I_ am the keeper of the one, true, real secret way of BDSM and unless you do things exactly the way I say you should, then you aren't a true PYL/pyl..." Which is, of course, a load of crap.

Yes, we understand that there are people who identify exclusively as one side of the slash or the other *raises his hand and whispers Heeeeelllllllllllllloooooooo... I'm a sadist! I do NOT get off on receiving pain, I get off on inflicting it! *. I don't identify as a switch, even though I will occasionally bottom from time to time. When I do, it's because #1 - I am wanting to learn about a new technique/know what it will feel like when I do the same to someone else, or #2 - I'm raising money for a good cause. It's not because I get a sexual thrill/charge/feel a need or desire for the pain. YMMV of course.

 

[SweetErika]

Not everyone is either a sub or a Dom. If you have to ask which you are, the odds are high you are neither of them yet. You could be a switch. The real answer will be found when you get a partner you trust and play until you find what pleases you most, submitting or dominating. If you never decide that one appeals to you more than the other then you probably are not a true Dom or a true sub. Nothing is wrong with that. It is only a matter of who you are.

I'm a "true Dom" when I dominate.

I was a "true bottom" last night, when I allowed someone to do fire and wax play on me.

Yep, I'm a true Mostly Dom/occasional bottom Switch who has submissive fantasies.


Frixie, give yourself time to learn who you are and what appeals to you. We usually don't see a ton of younger people (under, say, 25-30) in the community because this tends to be something we discover as we get into and past the most formative years. Just keep an open mind and eye on what you enjoy in stories, fantasies, with different partners (you may very well end up feeling submissive with some people and dominant with others), etc. You may find multiple or different roles and activities attractive at different times in your life, as well.

 

[nh23]

Yes, we understand that there are people who identify exclusively as one side of the slash or the other *raises his hand and whispers Heeeeelllllllllllllloooooooo... I'm a sadist! I do NOT get off on receiving pain, I get off on inflicting it! *. I don't identify as a switch, even though I will occasionally bottom from time to time. When I do, it's because #1 - I am wanting to learn about a new technique/know what it will feel like when I do the same to someone else, or #2 - I'm raising money for a good cause. It's not because I get a sexual thrill/charge/feel a need or desire for the pain. YMMV of course.

I agree there....I have no desire at all to dominate... but i guess i can't say that i will never change my mind so i guess it's not as if i am stuck in a fixed position......

 

[MsVerijaa]

How do you know?

How do you know if you like the back of your knees licked? You try it and find out.

There's a huge world of possibilities out there, things you may like or dislike, things you make like more from the top or the bottom, things you may hate. You look around, you try the interesting ones, you learn about yourself. This isn't a destination, it's a journey.

 

[CutieMouse]

EG is right; my objection is to the use of the word "true"- particularly when dealing with someone who has little or no understading of BDSM.

"True" implies that if you don't *NEED* to submit (how subjective is that?) that you are fake.

"True" implies that if you aren't black and white 100% either way, you are fake.

"True" implies that anyone who doesn't practice BDSM in XYZ manner (with the stamp of approval on their ass to prove it), is fake.

When I first began to explore my feelings with regards to power in relationships, I absorbed a lot of the "True submissives are X/True dominants are Z" stuff... IMO the "True" argument is a bunch of hogwash, as BDSM hinges on the needs of the individual parties involved in each relationship.

Under the "True" argument, it would be easy for one to claim that Shanky isn't a "True" Top/Dom- he's a cross dressing bisexual guy who spent quite a while as a bottom. You could argue Netz isn't a "True" Domme, because she tends to be pretty laid back about a lot of shit. You could argue that I'm not a "True" submissive, because I'd refuse to consider a realtionship with a Lover who wouldn't let me Top him- yet I most comfortably ID myself as submissive. You could just as easily argue Kajira and Catalina are "True" as they are slaves; Marquis is "True" as he is one hell of an Alpha male (with mini-harem), or that EG, AngelicAssassin, RJMasters, or DVS are "True" because (to my kowledge) none of them are interested in doing anything other than deliciously wicked things to a willing subject... In actuality, we are all exactly who we are, experiencing BDSM in a manner that works for our particular lives, and our personal truths, not some pre-conceived checklist-style notion of what a "True" Dominant or submissive is...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Would it be out of place to say 'be careful what you wish for' in this situation? You say you are just plain bored with the guys you have been having sex/relationships with, but for me that does not equate to being a great reason to dive into D/s, especially if you are needing to ask which side of the crop you belong on. Maybe you have just been jumping into bed with the boring type just for the sake of jumping into bed. Let's face it, most guys (and girls) around your age group are more interested in scoring than learning the finer arts of sexual intimacy and pleasing their partner/s. Maybe you need to explore your head more and find out what it is you really want out of a relationship, based on needs more so than looking for a thrill to liven things up. The reason I say this is because a lot of people, both young and older, get themselves into tight spots they wish they had never fallen into simply because they were looking for some excitement in their lives as opposed to following a thought out plan based on their needs. It is good you are asking, but I still think perhaps before attempting a D/s relationship, you get to know yourself as an adult a little more. As to rebellious sub notions, once again you could end up getting yourself into some fairly risky situations if you end up with someone who thinks it their place to tame you at whatever cost.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Would it be out of place to say 'be careful what you wish for' in this situation? You say you are just plain bored with the guys you have been having sex/relationships with, but for me that does not equate to being a great reason to dive into D/s, especially if you are needing to ask which side of the crop you belong on. Maybe you have just been jumping into bed with the boring type just for the sake of jumping into bed. Let's face it, most guys (and girls) around your age group are more interested in scoring than learning the finer arts of sexual intimacy and pleasing their partner/s. Maybe you need to explore your head more and find out what it is you really want out of a relationship, based on needs more so than looking for a thrill to liven things up. The reason I say this is because a lot of people, both young and older, get themselves into tight spots they wish they had never fallen into simply because they were looking for some excitement in their lives as opposed to following a thought out plan based on their needs. It is good you are asking, but I still think perhaps before attempting a D/s relationship, you get to know yourself as an adult a little more. As to rebellious sub notions, once again you could end up getting yourself into some fairly risky situations if you end up with someone who thinks it their place to tame you at whatever cost.

Catalina

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!! No, cat, stop!!!!!!!!!! You're making sense! And it's making my head hurt!

 

[Crea(m)]

I think Cutie's objection isn't to people identifying as "all" Dominant or "all" submissive, but to the use of the word "true".

Which is usually associated with comments like "you aren't a TRUE submissive if you question my skills!" Or "You aren't a TRUE Dominant unless you practice flaming cat juggling at least 3 times a day!"

Using the word "true" (or "real" for that matter) is often perceived as judgemental and coming from someone with an attitude of "_I_ am the keeper of the one, true, real secret way of BDSM and unless you do things exactly the way I say you should, then you aren't a true PYL/pyl..." Which is, of course, a load of crap.

Yes, we understand that there are people who identify exclusively as one side of the slash or the other *raises his hand and whispers Heeeeelllllllllllllloooooooo... I'm a sadist! I do NOT get off on receiving pain, I get off on inflicting it! *. I don't identify as a switch, even though I will occasionally bottom from time to time. When I do, it's because #1 - I am wanting to learn about a new technique/know what it will feel like when I do the same to someone else, or #2 - I'm raising money for a good cause. It's not because I get a sexual thrill/charge/feel a need or desire for the pain. YMMV of course.

You seem to understand my point. For me, using the word "true" was equal to saying "completely." I did not use the word "true" as you suggest it may have been (understandably) taken by Cutie.

The OP wanted to know how to determine whether you are Dom or sub. The question is posed as an "either or" choice. I was mainly pointing out that it doesn't have to be an "either or" choice. BUT...if it is an "either or" choice for the individual, their own desires and pleasures will inform them of which side of the D/s equation fits them. All they have to do is try the lifestyle and find out for themselves what feels good and what does not.

 

[SilkVelvet]

How you are in your daytime job and life quite often have nothing to do with whether you're a sub or dom/me. From what I've read generally subs are people who are in control in their lives, and dom's are people who aren't. That's what I hear, at least. I hate to make it simplistic, but the simple answer to your question is:

Do you want to submit? Or do you want to dominate?

Have to disagree about Doms not being in control of their lives, as two out of three that I know most definitely are. If I had more ££££ I would be in charge of my life more lol.

It seems to me, more a question of exploring and discovering what you NEED... and to be prepared for the things that you feel you need, to make you feel scared sometimes !

Rebellious sub.. that's me.. I got told today that my behaviour is appalling.

 

[SubNebGuy]

the 3-mile high view says you're a domme. you date the guys that are submissive because you like that quality...not because of mere coincidence.

it sounds like you like to discipline, since you want a sub male that mis-behaves a little.

BDSM really covers a very broad spectrum of sexual behavior. from simple "I like to be tied up an spanked before vanilla sex" to extreme "shit on my face and lock in a cage all weekend while your friends come over and mock me"

you just gotta figure out where in that 'scale/range' that you fall.

 

[graceanne]

Have to disagree about Doms not being in control of their lives, as two out of three that I know most definitely are. If I had more ££££ I would be in charge of my life more lol.

It seems to me, more a question of exploring and discovering what you NEED... and to be prepared for the things that you feel you need, to make you feel scared sometimes !

Rebellious sub.. that's me.. I got told today that my behaviour is appalling.

2 out of three that I know are in jobs where they're the boss, too - but from what I've read and talking to other people they all say the oppopsit. *shrugs*

Oh, and did they actually say appaling? LOL K just says I'm a brat - no fun words like appaling.

 

[nh23]

oops.. double post. Sorry