How Do You Keep Your Conscience Clean?

[madelinemasoch]

I'm having A LOT of mental health issues in the beginning of this year. Every single day, there's voices in my head/people calling me a pervert and a loser and essentially saying that I should stop. Ignore the form of that, I already have a therapist: the point is the content of their statements. How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves? Because that's how I feel right now. I might erase all of my work and keep it to myself from now on, simply because I don't want this to be some kind of warning in which I'm about to get in trouble for what I've published here in some way, shape, or form. I also do not want the off-chance that my stories would negatively effect real people to play out in reality. All of my eroticization of real life comes from love, inspiration, and passion and I don't agree with the voices that this creative process amounts to quote-unquote "sexualizing someone without their consent." I just don't think you need consent to be erotically inspired by someone. However, I'm aware that many people are simply at odds with me in general, because it comes from me. I've been through too many issues like this to be naive about the potential backlash I could receive. So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

 

[alohadave]

If you feel are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone IRL. No matter how you feel at the moment, it's a temporary thing.

 

[madelinemasoch]

If you feel are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone IRL. No matter how you feel at the moment, it's a temporary thing.

Thank you.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Madeline, your mental health and well-being should always be first and foremost in your concerns, far and above any consideration of creativity.

If this place isn't healthy for you, surely you should take time out and seek professional support? Self diagnosis and self therapy in a place such as this can't be the wisest thing you can do. Seek help, please.

 

[Voboy]

How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves?

Perverts are not losers.

That's a cognitive realization you can come to easily here on Lit, where all the kinky weirdos you might have assumed you should fear or avoid turn out to be warm, caring, compassionate individuals, worthy of respect and dignity. Lit is packed with people like that, and it's a joy to get to know them. So scrap all this nonsense about feeling as though sexual needs and wants, however off-kilter, mean you're somehow abnormal in an undesirable way.

Once you internalize that? The stories you tell should no longer cause any guilt. If there are problems in your life, and it sounds as though there might be, then you're already seeking help for those; Lit should not be a "problem in your life." It should be a positive and constructive outlet.

Please keep hold of whatever help you're getting. But you're fine. Your fantasies are fine, so long as they're not hurting anyone. Your stories are fine. Have no fear on that score.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

First, 100% what Alohadave said, if you are having those thoughts, please talk to someone IRL.

Secondarily to that, one thing you said kind of fascinates me:
How do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

I don't see these things as contradictory concepts. Sex is like most everything else in life, it isn't inherently pure or impure. It's what we make it.
I write about people who care about each other sharing something special between them. There isn't anything impure about that, it's something I think we should aspire to.

I am working on a story where that isn't the case, and it does feel darker. I challenged myself to do it, but I don't think I ever will again. I just prefer to write about happy things. There is enough darkness in the world, I don't need to add to it. And I don't want that weight on my spirit.

 

[madelinemasoch]

I don't see these things as contradictory concepts. Sex is like most everything else in life, it isn't inherently pure or impure. It's what we make it.

What I'm really asking is how to not allow outside judgments to impede the speed of the process of writing and fantasizing itself.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

You have asked plenty of questions here. I can tell you that while I write milder stuff than you, I do sometimes feel like a pervert for writing my smut. But that is not a bad thing, in my opinion. It just means that we are different. It means that we are the ones who keep the Gaussian from reaching zero. You should be proud of being different in that sense. We are most certainly not losers for doing this. YOU are not a loser for doing this. The world would be a much less erotic and less passionate place without our stories, without us, perverts.

As for nobody liking you, yeah, I don't really believe that. Sure, when you are different, it is harder to find validation and achieve happiness but it also means you will appreciate it a lot more once you do. You weren't meant to have it as easy as some others. Consider at all a test, one you will fail only if you give up.

Don't fucking give up

 

[KeithD]

What I'm really asking is how to not allow outside judgments to impede the speed of the process of writing and fantasizing itself.

Any outside moralistic judgments sent my way get immediately deleted and ignored.

 

[TheRedChamber]

There's quite a lot to unpack in that one paragraph.

Firstly, of course, look after yourself. Writing (erotic) fiction can be a good way of working through issues. If it isn't, pause for a while until you're in a better place. It's good that you have a therapist because however much we can send you good wishes and support on this thread, we're not really in a position to help you properly.

The second thing is to ask why you think you are going to get into trouble for writing here. I can understand being worried about people in your life discovering you write erotic fiction, but is this a real concern? If you like we can discuss ways to keep your writing private and anonymous, but I'm not sure if that's the real issue you're driving at.

There's also the comment that you don't want your stories to negatively affect people. This has been discussed elsewhere on the forum but I'm not sure how much I believe there can be a real-world effect from stories which are clearly pure fantasy. If you give this serious consideration and still find you're uncomfortable, maybe work your way towards fantasies which embody real-world principles of safe play and emotional support.

Next is this thing about sexualizing someone. I'm a bit confused here. Are you saying you are guilty because you are including people you know (maybe fictionalized and renamed) in your stories?

Finally, there's this thing about blowback. I'm familiar enough with your stuff to know that you have a pretty extreme philosophy (female superiority, strong interracial cuckoldry) to know that you do get a lot of stick for it even on this forum. I'll have a think about how I personally keep my creative process pure, but everyone is coming from a different place and your is, by nature, one of the most extreme.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

What I'm really asking is how to not allow outside judgments to impede the speed of the process of writing and fantasizing itself.

If you are referring to the hate comments then you should just find a way to ignore them. Thicken your skin. After a while, you will stop noticing them. We all get those, one way or another. It comes with the territory. Don't let them discourage you.

When it comes to real-life people, I suggest keeping this part of your life to yourself. Most of us do.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

What I'm really asking is how to not allow outside judgments to impede the speed of the process of writing and fantasizing itself.

I just really don't concern myself with what anyone else thinks about it.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, no one I know IRL has a clue I'm doing this, so that probably makes it easier.

 

[madelinemasoch]

The second thing is to ask why you think you are going to get into trouble for writing here. I can understand being worried about people in your life discovering you write erotic fiction, but is this a real concern? If you like we can discuss ways to keep your writing private and anonymous, but I'm not sure if that's the real issue you're driving at.

Yes, it is. May I DM you to explain in more detail, so there's nothing left in the public forum?

 

[TheRedChamber]

Sure, I'm around for the next few hours and can exchange messages.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I'm having A LOT of mental health issues in the beginning of this year. Every single day, there's voices in my head/people calling me a pervert and a loser and essentially saying that I should stop. Ignore the form of that, I already have a therapist: the point is the content of their statements. How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves? Because that's how I feel right now. I might erase all of my work and keep it to myself from now on, simply because I don't want this to be some kind of warning in which I'm about to get in trouble for what I've published here in some way, shape, or form. I also do not want the off-chance that my stories would negatively effect real people to play out in reality. All of my eroticization of real life comes from love, inspiration, and passion and I don't agree with the voices that this creative process amounts to quote-unquote "sexualizing someone without their consent." I just don't think you need consent to be erotically inspired by someone. However, I'm aware that many people are simply at odds with me in general, because it comes from me. I've been through too many issues like this to be naive about the potential backlash I could receive. So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

I am sorry you have fallen into that hole...
It can be a deeply dark and oppressive place. Depression is not something to take lightly. Once you fall into it's clutches, that grip only gets tighter.
I implore you to talk to people you trust. Let it out, don't hold back.
If you don't have somebody you think can understand, then use the services available.

I know it's what everybody says. I understand... It's always our first response as humans. Often though, we don't, we just want to make you feel better. Make ourselves feel better.
I have suffered depression and live with it every day. I understand how it feels when those icy fingers grip your throat, and you feel your last breath being squeezed out.

This place can be a very toxic environment. Yes, there are good people in here, but there is also a very negative vibe sometimes. That's how I feel, and it's nothing more than my opinion. Perhaps a step back might help, a chance to catch your breath.

I have gone through exacvtly what you are experiencing. I wrote a couple of stories, which I am not proud of. They contained elements of non consent. At the time, I thought nothing of it. Now I have a very different thought process.
I have tossed around the idea of deleting all my stories and just walking away. Maybe it's something we all go through at different times. Maybe it's what you have to suffer to create.
I do think we can affect other people with what we write. Of course we can. If we couldn't, why would we bother? We want to raise emotions, we are trying to get responses, anger, excitement, arousal, love and even hate. Everybody loves a good villain.
If you're having those feeling. Congratulations. You're a human being.
For your dark feelings, reach out. Talk to somebody.

As somebody who works as a victim support respondent, I speak with some understanding.
If you need somebody. I'm always here.
I can offer a shoulder, and a hug. No judgement, no accusations, just an ear.

Cagivagurl

 

[SimonDoom]

I'm years and years past the notion that erotica is morally wrong. I feel no guilt about it at all. I think having sex, fantasizing about sex, writing about sex, and reading about sex are all healthy activities.

On top of that, I feel very comfortable and confident about the idea that there is a place in the lives of healthy people to have sex fantasies that are transgressive in nature--that explore activities that in real life we would not want to try. I believe this type of fantasy is perfectly healthy. I feel no guilt about having such fantasies, or writing about and reading them.

To echo what others have said, if you have these feelings and they are adversely affecting your mental health, then I recommend seeking professional assistance and not relying on this forum to provide support.

 

[M_K_Babalon]

If you feel are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone IRL. No matter how you feel at the moment, it's a temporary thing.

Like life.

 

[madelinemasoch]

I am sorry you have fallen into that hole...
It can be a deeply dark and oppressive place. Depression is not something to take lightly. Once you fall into it's clutches, that grip only gets tighter.
I implore you to talk to people you trust. Let it out, don't hold back.
If you don't have somebody you think can understand, then use the services available.

I know it's what everybody says. I understand... It's always our first response as humans. Often though, we don't, we just want to make you feel better. Make ourselves feel better.
I have suffered depression and live with it every day. I understand how it feels when those icy fingers grip your throat, and you feel your last breath being squeezed out.

This place can be a very toxic environment. Yes, there are good people in here, but there is also a very negative vibe sometimes. That's how I feel, and it's nothing more than my opinion. Perhaps a step back might help, a chance to catch your breath.

I have gone through exacvtly what you are experiencing. I wrote a couple of stories, which I am not proud of. They contained elements of non consent. At the time, I thought nothing of it. Now I have a very different thought process.
I have tossed around the idea of deleting all my stories and just walking away. Maybe it's something we all go through at different times. Maybe it's what you have to suffer to create.
I do think we can affect other people with what we write. Of course we can. If we couldn't, why would we bother? We want to raise emotions, we are trying to get responses, anger, excitement, arousal, love and even hate. Everybody loves a good villain.
If you're having those feeling. Congratulations. You're a human being.
For your dark feelings, reach out. Talk to somebody.

As somebody who works as a victim support respondent, I speak with some understanding.
If you need somebody. I'm always here.
I can offer a shoulder, and a hug. No judgement, no accusations, just an ear.

Cagivagurl

Thank you for that. I didn't expect that from you, or anyone.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I'm a human. Believe it or not.
I feel your hurt, and I do know how quickly a dark moment can grow into an abyss, you can't escape.
We don't have to agree on everything to feel empathy for another person.
I wish you only well...

Cagivagurl.

 

[M_K_Babalon]

My conscience isn't concerned about what I write. Any outside [practically nonexistant] judgement, I could care less about. I don't have any internal judgement about what I write. I could write kiddie erotica and give no absolute fucks, if I wanted to.

Any issues about what I write is more among the internal questions of what's the point of me doing it, when it feels like it's not going anywhere, or I can't even get those I call friends to read any of it. That maybe I'm just writing in vain and my aspirations are beyond my station. My stupid ass keeps writing, though, even the gods might not know why. As far as not being liked, I'm used to it, or at the least not being somebody of significance that wouldn't really be missed.

Me writing is a small portion of, but least of my concerns of my unwilling continued existance on this plane. At the shallow end of it, ignoring the logistics, I suppose one could say; writing is a somewhat solace and escape into my own fabricated world, much like dreaming, reading, and watching stuff is. Where I either don't need to think, or can focus my thoughts and pause the ones I try to use audio medicinal device to silence or quiet.

 

[madelinemasoch]

My conscience isn't concerned about what I write. Any outside [practically nonexistant] judgement, I could care less about. I don't have any internal judgement about what I write. I could write kiddie erotica and give no absolute fucks, if I wanted to.

Any issues about what I write is more among the internal questions of what's the point of me doing it, when it feels like it's not going anywhere, or I can't even get those I call friends to read any of it. That maybe I'm just writing in vain and my aspirations are beyond my station. My stupid ass keeps writing, though, even the gods might not know why. As far as not being liked, I'm used to it, or at the least not being somebody of significance that wouldn't really be missed.

Me writing is a small portion of, but least of my concerns of my unwilling continued existance on this plane. At the shallow end of it, ignoring the logistics, I suppose one could say; writing is a somewhat solace and escape into my own fabricated world, much like dreaming, reading, and watching stuff is. Where I either don't need to think, or can focus my thoughts and pause the ones I try to use audio medicinal device to silence or quiet.

Can you tell me more about the audio medicinal device you've been using?

 

[M_K_Babalon]

Can you tell me more about the audio medicinal device you've been using?

A 1992 Fisher Studio Standard boombox playing the only rock station worth listening to in this city, Alt105.1.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm having A LOT of mental health issues in the beginning of this year. Every single day, there's voices in my head/people calling me a pervert and a loser and essentially saying that I should stop. Ignore the form of that, I already have a therapist: the point is the content of their statements. How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves? Because that's how I feel right now. I might erase all of my work and keep it to myself from now on, simply because I don't want this to be some kind of warning in which I'm about to get in trouble for what I've published here in some way, shape, or form. I also do not want the off-chance that my stories would negatively effect real people to play out in reality.

(Answering on the assumption that "voices in my head" is meant figuratively - "I'm feeling doubts" kind of thing. If you're literally hearing voices that aren't coming from real people's mouths, then please seek out professional help ASAP.)

A while back, one of my friends mentioned that they were worried they might be a sociopath. I told them that although I'm not an expert in such matters, I didn't think an actual sociopath would be worrying about that. Why would a sociopath be bothered by being one?

In the same vein, if you are worried about the effect your stories might have on readers, you're probably not a creep. To some degree it's the wrong question anyway; good people can do bad things and vice versa, so it's usually more useful to ask "is this a bad thing to do?" than "does doing this make me a bad person?"

Having read some of your stories: some people definitely are going to yell at you for them, it's more a question of whether their yelling has merit.

I don't think stories are always morally neutral; I think they do have potential to harm or help people. Not everybody agrees with that opinion; this is an argument we've thrashed out many times on this forum and I'm not looking to get into it again, just talking about my POV.

How I deal with those doubts is mostly by thinking through how I believe stories can affect people, and then setting rules for myself consistent with those beliefs to avoid causing harm. To avoid derailing, I'm not going to get into specifics about those rules here; the important thing for my peace of mind is that they are based on what I believe, which isn't always going to line up with other people's beliefs.

I can never rule out the possibility that some Charles-Manson-level deranged person might read one of my stories, build something weird around it, and act on that in some harmful way. (Equally, I can't rule out the possibility that they might read one of my stories and end up enjoying the story instead of going out and murdering somebody that night like they were planning on.) Those things are not foreseeable. But if my story plays into some toxic stereotype that's already powerful in real life, that seems like a more foreseeable risk of harm, so it's something I would avoid.

For borderline stuff, I'll occasionally use a kind of glovebox approach: I'll present the scenario as a fantasy scene being played out by mutual agreement between people who've consented to that scene, in a way that lets me establish that it's only happening by mutual consent. For instance, Red Scarf has a couple of chapters IIRC where the two main characters play out ravishment/captive fantasies, and have fun with it, and then go back to interacting as equals. But in one of the last chapters, one character tries to do that again and inadvertently hits a sore point for the other, who safewords out of it.

It's still not going to be "pure" by everybody's standards, but it's pure by mine.

All of my eroticization of real life comes from love, inspiration, and passion and I don't agree with the voices that this creative process amounts to quote-unquote "sexualizing someone without their consent." I just don't think you need consent to be erotically inspired by someone.

I'd agree, though sometimes one needs to be careful not to let that fantasy bleed through into how one acts towards the real person.

 

[PapaRomantic]

So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

I certainly understand how my response might sound foreign or backwards to you, and it's really something I've not thought a lot about until I read your post.

I use my writing here as a form of therapy, especially when I consider it to be the manner in which I express my sexuality in a way I'll never be able to do in public. I've done so little of the things I've written about and most likely will never do. But learning about sexual fantasies and kinks and preferences of others has exposed me to a sexual world that holds my fascination. Being able to write about it lets my use my creativity to enjoy the sexual nature of the things I've learned from others, and writing it and receiving positive feedback from readers gives me the impetus to continue my writing and exploring of this culture. I certainly receive my share of negative feedback at the same time (Thank you Loving Wives' readers), but even in my lowest-rated story, there was enough positive feedback that I've been able to ignore the trolls and continue creating.

I wish you well as you explore this and look for better times for yourself. Literotica has given me a new world to explore and which to contribute. It has been very good for me.

 

[mrs_mackenzie]

So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

I won't add to the many posts above about mental health issues as they're far better than anything I can say. All I can say as someone who has also struggled with mental health issues is: it's tough. I get it. I feel for you.

As for the creative process, for me personally it's about knowing human nature. Without getting into detail, I've come across a few people in my life who I respect, and who I wouldn't want to admit to writing erotica to. But I know for sure that those same people have watched hardcore porn videos that I would consider perverted or weird. I try not to judge them, knowing that I don't want them to judge me. If I think about myself negatively, and whether my behaviour is perverted or weird, I remind myself that almost everyone has a sexual side and we should be accepting of that, not negative about it.

One person writes the story but thousands (hopefully) of people read it. Given that ratio, who has any right to say anything about your purity as the writer?