How do you give it up?

[Bijoux]

Although I'm sure this topic has been covered previously, I haven't been able to find it....so in an attempt to settle my own nerves and possibly those of others, I will start the conversation. I apologize if this is a repeat, but I hope you'll understand.
------

In all relationships there comes a point where you face an issue which to *you* is a make or break deal. The same can be said for d/s. These can be sexual (i.e. if I have sex then I am committing to this relationship) or purely domestic (to do his dishes or NOT do his dishes....I thought this was all about the sex). But each of us have our "issue" and at some point have to face it. I am currently at such an impass.

My Dom and I are at a point where we can progress no further unless I just give in. Now before the Sub police strike me down for not giving in in the first place, allow me explain.

After a very hurtful relationship I created an alter ego which, for all intensive purposes is a cast iron, balls to the wall bitch. Its served me well and my friends think I am endless fun. It is NOT, however my nature. Although My Dom is willing to stand by and see me 'play' this part, he thinks that part of my submission should be to let the character drop.

After all...."its better for you, not acting all the time. Its better for your friends to know the real you. And its better for the relationship if you arent going Hot and Cold all the time. Not to mention...i'm telling you to do it"

Yes, I agree with him, yes I know hes right....but I am mortified, terrified, and stricken beyond all belief. I have carefully created a personae incognito that can not possibly be hurt....and am wary of giving it up. I am unsure of the relationship in the long term and don't want to ruin my character on something that could end as "just friends"

So my question is this -

To the Subs: What issues have you come up against and how did you deal with them? Was communicating and being supported by your Dom the determining factor...or did you hold to your guns and demand to be given time?

To Dom(me)s: Have you ever had a sub refuse something...not because it was a limit, but because they were unsure of the impact? How did you respond? Were you angry, understanding, did you try and work through it or just decide they were too much baggage?

I'd appreciate any feed back and/or opinions.

thanks


~
B

 

[SexyChele]

I am submissive, just so you know. And my issue might be that of just the opposite of yours. Rather than afraid of being hurt, I have a tendency to give too easily and too much. The result is the same, however. At times I am overly cautious and don't always want to take that next step.

For me, being pushed is the last thing that will break through. I am old enough to understand what my issues are and how they came about. I am also old enough to know that in many ways if I weren't like this I could move forward more easily. I don't have a Dom now, and am seriously reconsidering whether this whole thing is really for me. But I have talked to a lot of Doms in the past few months, and the most difficult thing was to find one who could balance my issues with his "style". Most either wanted to "command" or not push at all. I need to have something in the middle: room to move at my own pace, while at the same time a gentle "push" every now and again.

I really hope you are able to work out the issues you have in your relationship. It is so special to have that one person in your life and so very difficult to find sometimes. It will be interesting to see what others have to say....

 

[Cirrus]

Sub here too. And Bijoux, are you sure you're not me? That sounds an awful lot like me. A LOT!!

Anyway, I respect where you're coming from. If you've been severly hurt or betrayed, you'll do everything in your power to not let it happen again. Making yourself vulnerable again is very frightening.

My situation was a little different. I WANTED to be vulnerable. My ex would never say he loved me. He said that actions spoke louder than words. I agree with him, I really do. But after being hurt in his last relationship, he was afraid that saying "I love you" made him vulnerable. But I told him, even though by his actions I knew that he cared for me a great deal, it's just nice to get some verbal reassurance once in a while. If he couldn't say "I love you" I would have settled for "you're very special to me", "I really care for you" or something along those lines. No go. So I started to wonder what I really meant to him...

Anyway, I was in your shoes before I met him. The good in our relationship outweighted the bad, but we could just never settle the bad so it always hung over us, you know?

Try to let down your guard step by step. Try to be "real" around one person a week and see how it goes. Hell, try for 2 hours a day. Start somewhere. Make sure you Dom knows how hard this is for you but that you're willing to make an effort. In your case I would demand to be given time. You weren't hurt overnight, you won't heal overnight. Effort and wanting to change shoule be enough for now.

 

[zipman]

<snip>

To Dom(me)s: Have you ever had a sub refuse something...not because it was a limit, but because they were unsure of the impact? How did you respond? Were you angry, understanding, did you try and work through it or just decide they were too much baggage?

I'd appreciate any feed back and/or opinions.

thanks
~
B

As a Dom, I have come across this issue before. I have responded in two different ways. At times, I saw the issue as being symptomatic of deeper issues and rethought the relationship. At other times, I did not want to push as even I had no clue as to what the emotional and psychological impact would be. I was very understanding in both instances and did try to work it out.


On a side note, much has been said about honesty in BDSM relationships. I think that honesty starts with each of us being honest with ourselves. Regardless of the reasons for creating this "alterego," my gut says that it will continue to be an issue for you. I think your Dom knows what he is doing. Everyone has been hurt in relationships, some more so than others. If the fear of being hurt is going to make you hold back, then you also will not feel the joy of letting go and really connecting with someone. When you do put your trust in someone, it is an amazing feeling, well worth the risk to your ego.

JMHO,
Zip

 

[Ebonyfire]

To Dom(me)s: Have you ever had a sub refuse something...not because it was a limit, but because they were unsure of the impact? How did you respond? Were you angry, understanding, did you try and work through it or just decide they were too much baggage?

I personally have found that this is an issue that usually cannot be overcome unless the submissive makes a commitment to work it through.

I can be understanding just so long. My patience is not that good. And, if the relationship is a new one, I do not feel compelled to expend the effort for something I know will keep occurring again and again over time.

My feeling is to just move on and send him (I have males) on his way.

Ebony

 

[Bijoux]

Thanks for all the good advice....

thanks everybody for all your feedback. I can especially see how (on the dom side) this could be a tricky situation. Having a sub who wants a little push...but a shove would just cause hurt feelings would definately be nerve wracking.

Cirrus...what did you finally do to get over the situation. Did you ever resolve it? What was the outcome?

Does anyone else have a recount? I'm interested in both sides of the story here as I learn as much (if not more, really) from the Dom(me)s as the subs.

~
B

 

[zipman]

Re: Thanks for all the good advice....

thanks everybody for all your feedback. I can especially see how (on the dom side) this could be a tricky situation. Having a sub who wants a little push...but a shove would just cause hurt feelings would definately be nerve wracking.

Cirrus...what did you finally do to get over the situation. Did you ever resolve it? What was the outcome?

Does anyone else have a recount? I'm interested in both sides of the story here as I learn as much (if not more, really) from the Dom(me)s as the subs.

~
B

The questions you should ask yourself are:

1) How much do you trust your Dom?
2) How important is it to you to grow as a submissive?

If you trust your Dom and his opinion, and you want to grow as a submissive, it might be in your best interests to drop the alter ego.

In this case, the "shove" needs to come from you and you may have to take a "leap of faith" in both your Dom and yourself.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Maintaining control

You can also ask yourself

"Is maintaining my alter ego a way of maintaining control?"

Eb

 

[Bijoux]

Zipman, Ebony....

Thank you both for your suggestions. I think maybe I'm going to sit down and start figuring out a way to break down the other personality. I do trust my Dom and i do want to be submissive...to Him at least.

I appreciate your opinions and thoughts as I know they are based on much experience.

Thx

~
B

 

[zipman]

Zipman, Ebony....

Thank you both for your suggestions. I think maybe I'm going to sit down and start figuring out a way to break down the other personality. I do trust my Dom and i do want to be submissive...to Him at least.

I appreciate your opinions and thoughts as I know they are based on much experience.

Thx

~
B

For my part, it's been a pleasure! Looking forward to seeing more of your posts!

zip

 

[Desdemona]

Bijoux, I'm very pleased to see you consider letting go of this persona. I truly believe that, while it may have served you well for a time, an alternate personality is not a functional way to cope in any relationship. While it may protect you from pain, it also insulates you from experiencing the joy that is possible.

The other thing that comes to mind is this. How can you feel secure that your friends like you for who you are if all they ever see is the alter ego? I think you deserve to have friends who know and like you for who *you* truly are.

I'm a sub and I've experienced devastating pain. I know it seems almost insurmountable to let your Dom or anyone else in. I don't particularly like exposing my vulnerability either. But, as a submissive, I *need* to do that and I bet the same is true of you.

This step you plan to take requires guts. You have my respect for moving forward.

 

[Moyds_jewel]

My Dom and I are at a point where we can progress no further unless I just give in.

So my question is this -

To the Subs: What issues have you come up against and how did you deal with them? Was communicating and being supported by your Dom the determining factor...or did you hold to your guns and demand to be given time?
~
B

lots of good advice, so far sis.
For me, it has not been one hard issue but more the culmination of lots of little hard issues...Sir has required of me (speaking openly about sexual topics, venturing into public with my ass plugged and my nipples clamped, etc.) While each task was a stretch for me (essentially a very private person) my need to please him always trumps other considerations.
Communication is important to any relationship and ultimately, so is trust. I trust Sir not to hurt me, to have O/our best interests in mind.

And truly, it is always easier to submit when you want to. The key to realizing your potential as a submissive is submitting when it's hard..taking the leap and opening yourself to new levels.


Best of luck, Bijoux

_______________
It is my honor and joy to be His

 

[justgem]

.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Zipman, Ebony....

Thank you both for your suggestions. I think maybe I'm going to sit down and start figuring out a way to break down the other personality. I do trust my Dom and i do want to be submissive...to Him at least.

I appreciate your opinions and thoughts as I know they are based on much experience.

Thx

~
B

You are welcome, Bijoux, we all are students, learning more and more as life goes on.

Eb

 

[artful]

des,...

Bijoux, I'm very pleased to see you consider letting go of this persona. I truly believe that, while it may have served you well for a time, an alternate personality is not a functional way to cope in any relationship. While it may protect you from pain, it also insulates you from experiencing the joy that is possible.

The other thing that comes to mind is this. How can you feel secure that your friends like you for who you are if all they ever see is the alter ego? I think you deserve to have friends who know and like you for who *you* truly are.

I'm a sub and I've experienced devastating pain. I know it seems almost insurmountable to let your Dom or anyone else in. I don't particularly like exposing my vulnerability either. But, as a submissive, I *need* to do that and I bet the same is true of you.

This step you plan to take requires guts. You have my respect for moving forward.

...ditto to your post. Let fear not govern how we live our lives. Courage is needed to overcome our fears. Most people dwell in a make-believe, ...cover-up persona, (an alter ego), but those who do, can never taste the joy of being who they really are.

There are simply no rewards for those that do. Get your rewards,...be your self,...look inside and see your OWN inner truth,...THAT in which you have a true desire to reveal.

Is it painful to do this? Yes,...but only YOU can allow yourself to be vulnerable,...no one else can peel the armor away.

Good Luck,...Your Friend,................Art

 

[Desdemona]

Hi Art. Its good to see you again, my friend.

 

[MissTaken]

So my question is this -

To the Subs: What issues have you come up against and how did you deal with them? Was communicating and being supported by your Dom the determining factor...or did you hold to your guns and demand to be given time?

To Dom(me)s: Have you ever had a sub refuse something...not because it was a limit, but because they were unsure of the impact? How did you respond? Were you angry, understanding, did you try and work through it or just decide they were too much baggage?

I'd appreciate any feed back and/or opinions.

thanks


~
B

Bumping the question at hand and hoping bijoux can report in.

 

[Skitten]

It is hard to give yourself totally to one. You have to be willing to give yourself wholeheartly to that one. And by putting up your alter you are not giving yourself totally. If you want to be a true submissive to your SO then you must try to reach into yourself and find what it is you really need. It a decision that only you can make for yourself.

If you have been hurt before it may take sometime for you. But it will eventually open up new doors for you and yours. I hope you can find the strength within yourself to make the decision that is right for the both of you.

 

[tyiana]

Although I'm sure this topic has been covered previously, I haven't been able to find it....so in an attempt to settle my own nerves and possibly those of others, I will start the conversation. I apologize if this is a repeat, but I hope you'll understand.
------

In all relationships there comes a point where you face an issue which to *you* is a make or break deal. The same can be said for d/s. These can be sexual (i.e. if I have sex then I am committing to this relationship) or purely domestic (to do his dishes or NOT do his dishes....I thought this was all about the sex). But each of us have our "issue" and at some point have to face it. I am currently at such an impass.

My Dom and I are at a point where we can progress no further unless I just give in. Now before the Sub police strike me down for not giving in in the first place, allow me explain.

After a very hurtful relationship I created an alter ego which, for all intensive purposes is a cast iron, balls to the wall bitch. Its served me well and my friends think I am endless fun. It is NOT, however my nature. Although My Dom is willing to stand by and see me 'play' this part, he thinks that part of my submission should be to let the character drop.

After all...."its better for you, not acting all the time. Its better for your friends to know the real you. And its better for the relationship if you arent going Hot and Cold all the time. Not to mention...i'm telling you to do it"

Yes, I agree with him, yes I know hes right....but I am mortified, terrified, and stricken beyond all belief. I have carefully created a personae incognito that can not possibly be hurt....and am wary of giving it up. I am unsure of the relationship in the long term and don't want to ruin my character on something that could end as "just friends"

So my question is this -

To the Subs: What issues have you come up against and how did you deal with them? Was communicating and being supported by your Dom the determining factor...or did you hold to your guns and demand to be given time?

To Dom(me)s: Have you ever had a sub refuse something...not because it was a limit, but because they were unsure of the impact? How did you respond? Were you angry, understanding, did you try and work through it or just decide they were too much baggage?

I'd appreciate any feed back and/or opinions.

thanks


~
B

Hi Bijoux, like you I have, as you describe this protective persona and for many many years it has been the only me (so to speak) that 99% of people around me are allowed to see ( the other 1 percent consist of a special best friend - life long, and my father) Since my SO and I, moved into bdsm nearly two years this persona has frequently got in the way, in one way or another, communication has been a big factor here, for I would not let my dom know how I was feeling if I thought it may have hurt him, that persona took over. My Dom has spent months patiently helping me break this persona down, tiny piece by tiny piece, and yes it is a slow process, and does require a deep level of trust, he could never have ordered me to just drop it like that, and expected immediate significant change, it was a task we had to do together, and I may add it is not finished by a long way, even now. It is not an easy thing to do to expose the person you truly are especially (like yourself and I) if your hidden nature is submissive. I developed this persona because I felt the submissive me needed hiding and protecting, a couple of bad experience, shut the wall of steel round that person, for what I thought then, was forever. But things do change and so do the people around. I never thought that I would be able to show anyone the real me, until I met my SO, now my dom, 8 years ago. So if you feel that you would get the support and trust you need to do this, then perhaps now is the right time, but it would have to be done slowly, neither you, nor your dom, can expect to snap fingers and have it disappear as if it never existed, without causing hurt and upset to both of you. From my own experience, I know it is not an easy task and often you feel that you are making no progress but you are, and there will be times where all you want to do is climb back inside that persona and wrap it tightly around you again, those times are where you really the need the help and patience of your dom. .