How do I ...
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Johnny Mayberry
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Hmmmm....I'm not sure that introducing a friend is the best way to go about it; after all, you'll still see this guy around town afterwards, which can create all sorts of awkward feelings.
Johnny Mayberry
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Well, have you started easing your man into the idea? If you've already talked about it some, then maybe go for it. I think that sort of thing can complicate a relationship, but sometimes its a good thing too, depending on the couple.
Here's an idea: have you got a dildo? Pretend that it is the friend next time you and the hubby go at it, and see if he's cool with that. If he gets turned on by that sort of thing, you are 95% there.
Here's an idea: have you got a dildo? Pretend that it is the friend next time you and the hubby go at it, and see if he's cool with that. If he gets turned on by that sort of thing, you are 95% there.
Lust Engine
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Tough one here.
But I've always tried role reversal too. How would you feel if he were to come home & introduce you to his new female friend (barring the fact that you're not bisexual). Would you be threatened? Would it be a complete blind siding situation? Have you even discussed the idea on any level?
Communication here... deep deep communication & complete re-assurances are in order here prior to anyone getting introduced if you still value this current relationship in any way shape or form.
Just because you've seen each other naked and getting deeper into a possible relationship snarl are two completely seperate issues here.
But I've always tried role reversal too. How would you feel if he were to come home & introduce you to his new female friend (barring the fact that you're not bisexual). Would you be threatened? Would it be a complete blind siding situation? Have you even discussed the idea on any level?
Communication here... deep deep communication & complete re-assurances are in order here prior to anyone getting introduced if you still value this current relationship in any way shape or form.
Just because you've seen each other naked and getting deeper into a possible relationship snarl are two completely seperate issues here.
Johnny Mayberry
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You know something? Most people I know can't handle a wild sex life in teh context of a marriage. I mean, granted, the folks here seem generally more liberal, but still...it can become a snarl very easliy, and you don't want to risk your current relationship for a maybe good night of sex?
Lust Engine
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Hmmmmm... a few moments of mind blowing sex or the long legal battle of divorce or never ending questions about your marriage integrity.
You can always have sex & be creative, but the integrity can't be easily gotten.
You can always have sex & be creative, but the integrity can't be easily gotten.
sweetgirlie
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I have found myself in situations where I was the "friend" who was brought into the relationship...in all instances the friendships were lost and the couples split up. Even when people think of themselves as open-minded in the bedroom there are usually problems that arise when you involve someone you both know. If you are serious about having another person join you, you need to discuss it with your husband, set some boundaries; i.e. no kissing on the mouth, no anal intercourse and most importantly, if the other partner is not present, it will not happen again,
Having another person enter your bedroom is both thrilling and scary. Make sure that everyone is comfortable and secure in his or her respective roles in the relationship. Good luck, be safe and have a good time.
Wendy
Having another person enter your bedroom is both thrilling and scary. Make sure that everyone is comfortable and secure in his or her respective roles in the relationship. Good luck, be safe and have a good time.
Wendy
tyme
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For me and my husband we have both talked about bringing in someone. I was the one who started to talk about it first I just slowly started to talk about it every now and then to see how he would feel. Funny thing he wants the same thing. we still have not done anymore then talk yet because its a hard thing to pick someone you trust enough yet that wont hurt friendships or eachother. I would say you need to take your time. I would start out by talking about a sex dream (leave out the other guys name at first) see how it goes. Good luck
onecooljeep
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I'm with Johnny Mayberry...as enticing and erotic as it may seem, I think it's a door you do not want to open. Bringing someone else into your bedroom opens up the door to some major trust issues. (i.e. if you're doing this with you partner what's not to stop you from doing it without your partner?)
There are many things you can do to spice up your love life, if that's what you're looking for, but I wouldn't think bringing in another person is a good option.
Of course, I may be considered close-minded in this area. lol I'm up for just about anything except another person being involved with me and my hubby.
He is the ONLY person I share myself with...and for us, it's working so far.
There are many things you can do to spice up your love life, if that's what you're looking for, but I wouldn't think bringing in another person is a good option.
Of course, I may be considered close-minded in this area. lol I'm up for just about anything except another person being involved with me and my hubby.
He is the ONLY person I share myself with...and for us, it's working so far.
Johnny Mayberry
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I hated to come off like a prude too...but I honestly believe that its a risky move. There are just too many 'what if's going on here. What if one of you loves it and wants to keep doing it, and teh other doesn't, what if you become attached to this guy, what if your friend wants to become more than a friend? It can be done, but it is not something to jump into at all.
How about just doing this...ask your husband?
Don't include names or anything like that. Do so in a nonsexual environment. Ask him what he thinks of "those swingers" or "orgies". See what he says. If he says it's a good idea then ask him if he means an extra guy or girl.
After all those questions you will know his feelings about it without sacrificing the friendship, marrage or integrity of each other.
happy loving
O
Don't include names or anything like that. Do so in a nonsexual environment. Ask him what he thinks of "those swingers" or "orgies". See what he says. If he says it's a good idea then ask him if he means an extra guy or girl.
After all those questions you will know his feelings about it without sacrificing the friendship, marrage or integrity of each other.
happy loving
O
Mstrskey
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the voice of experience
alright Sami, I'll be very honest with you. Everyone who has said that this raises trust issues in your marriage is 100% right. No matter how open minded you and your spouse/partner are there will always be questions.
Those questions must be settled before the new partner enters the picture. this is crucial if the situation is to be any kind of success.
My husband and I introduced our mutual best friend to our sex life and I am happy to report that it has been to our mutual satisfactions, but the amount of planning, time and marathon Q and A session s that preceeded the actual intercourse were intense.
We addressed EVERYTHING! Beginning with the fact that my husband and friend would be not just in the same room, but the same bed and lets be brutally honest about it, the same woman. This was something that could not be achieved without them touching each other, even accidentally. As neither one of them has a homosexual leaning this was an important issue to address.
Next we had to cover and lay down the rules...the who what when where and why. And we have had to stick to them like glue. How were the persons involved to be involved? Was my husband the only one who could cum inside me? What was allowed, anal, mutual masterbation? Would I have both men at once, one at a time? Who was comfortable with what? We addressed all our sexual quirks and not everything was fun to talk about and cover.
It took us the better part of a year of talking to get the ball rolling and there was alot of reassuring between myself and my husband that our love was still strong and we both still very much desired each other, etc, etc,.
If you and your hubby aren't ready to tackle all that I'd leave it as a pleasant fantasy.
alright Sami, I'll be very honest with you. Everyone who has said that this raises trust issues in your marriage is 100% right. No matter how open minded you and your spouse/partner are there will always be questions.
Those questions must be settled before the new partner enters the picture. this is crucial if the situation is to be any kind of success.
My husband and I introduced our mutual best friend to our sex life and I am happy to report that it has been to our mutual satisfactions, but the amount of planning, time and marathon Q and A session s that preceeded the actual intercourse were intense.
We addressed EVERYTHING! Beginning with the fact that my husband and friend would be not just in the same room, but the same bed and lets be brutally honest about it, the same woman. This was something that could not be achieved without them touching each other, even accidentally. As neither one of them has a homosexual leaning this was an important issue to address.
Next we had to cover and lay down the rules...the who what when where and why. And we have had to stick to them like glue. How were the persons involved to be involved? Was my husband the only one who could cum inside me? What was allowed, anal, mutual masterbation? Would I have both men at once, one at a time? Who was comfortable with what? We addressed all our sexual quirks and not everything was fun to talk about and cover.
It took us the better part of a year of talking to get the ball rolling and there was alot of reassuring between myself and my husband that our love was still strong and we both still very much desired each other, etc, etc,.
If you and your hubby aren't ready to tackle all that I'd leave it as a pleasant fantasy.
tyme
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Mstrskey
thank you for your post it sounds to me like you did what me and my husband are just now starting to do. we are still hashing out all the things we want before we talk to who we want with us. It is slow moving but better to go slow then to loose my husband. This way I get to have my cake and eat it too!
thank you for your post it sounds to me like you did what me and my husband are just now starting to do. we are still hashing out all the things we want before we talk to who we want with us. It is slow moving but better to go slow then to loose my husband. This way I get to have my cake and eat it too!
Mstrskey - Yep, we've talked about it. I guess you could say we have been gradually introducing this friend into our sex life for awhile now ... the odd flirtatious advance, but nothing further. My hubby thinks it's okay and fine ... we talked the other night to see how far we would be comfortable taking this 'new relationship' ... we've got an idea of what we both want. We both are interested in exploring more. There will definitely be ground rules to follow. But I think for now, even though we are both 'interested' in furthering this, it will stay as it is ... until the three of us sit down and have a long talk (or two or three) about what exactly all of our expectations are.
FTR, my husband and I have a very strong relationship, so I don't think there is going to be any sort of conflict between the two of us. We trust each other 100%+ ...
Thank you, everyone for your advise!!
FTR, my husband and I have a very strong relationship, so I don't think there is going to be any sort of conflict between the two of us. We trust each other 100%+ ...
Thank you, everyone for your advise!!
Mstrskey
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thanks OZ
I'm just trying to share what has been a positive experience in the end for me and my partners in an honest and straightforward way.
I know that for alot of people this is a very common fantasy, god knows you see enough of it in porn and in erotic literature, but there it all seems to happen so seamlessly. The three participants just seize the moment and fall into bed with each other. What sort of total bullshit is that? True enough it can happen this way and I have no doubt that if everyone was turned on enough the spontaneity of the sex would make it incredible, but the fallout would be massive.
When you marry, your spouse you promise a certain level of commitment to them, physical, spiritual, and emotional. You don't however promise to never be turned on by another human being! This can be awkward, since in our society monogamy is so closely associated with commitment. It is hard for many to understand how I can say I love my husband and yet still give my body to another man. They don't comprehend how I have seperated commitment from monogamy.
I knew I was attracted to my friend Phillip and that the feeling was mutual. To many times during our friendship we had found ourselves in potentially awkward situations and run from them because we both loved my husband and couldn't bear to hurt him. Eventually we both realized that if we really loved him we needed to be honest with him. Phillip confided in him that he would often masturbate thinking of me, and I confided that often during our long seperations I would do the same. Imagine our suprise- and guilt alleviation- when he told us that he also fantasized about what it would be like to have a thrid party in bed and that the third had always in his fantasies been Phillip, whom he loved and trusted enough to bring into so intimate a setting. I don't know about you guys but I think it's about the best compliment you can give a person.
Once we'd confirmed the attraction, confirmed the desires were all mutual we were able to get down to brass tacks and work it out. I will stress that it is crucial that you discuss these things in a NON-SEXUAL SITUATION. It may seem like the logical choice to bring this up there, but I warn against it. Before, during or after sex is the worst time to bring this up because we think with our genitals and not with our brains. Think about it. If a person came up and approached you in the grocery store with some of the more risque' things we talk about in the bedroom you'd deck them! Yet somehow when we are aroused these things seem wonderful and exciting rather then taboo.
Tyme is absolutley right by taking her time and letting the ball roll slowly. To rush it is to disrespect all parties concerned and reduce the act to nothing more then a meaningless fuck! We all know how fun meaning less fucks can be, but introducing someone to your marriage bed shouldn't fall into that category.
Take your time, plan, overplan, and TALK! about everything, fantasies, masterbation, birth control, condom preference, physical health- in my situation we were all HIV tested before anything happened and had complete sexual physicals. -Remember that your not just bringing a third party to your bed, but everyone that person has slept with as well. Talk about the ways you like to be touched and to touch others and know that the way your spouse touches you may be repellant to the third party. Talk about penetration,sleeping arrangements, sexual appetites. In short leave no stone unturned. It's not very sexy, but it saves alot of anger and heartbreak in the long run.
I'm just trying to share what has been a positive experience in the end for me and my partners in an honest and straightforward way.
I know that for alot of people this is a very common fantasy, god knows you see enough of it in porn and in erotic literature, but there it all seems to happen so seamlessly. The three participants just seize the moment and fall into bed with each other. What sort of total bullshit is that? True enough it can happen this way and I have no doubt that if everyone was turned on enough the spontaneity of the sex would make it incredible, but the fallout would be massive.
When you marry, your spouse you promise a certain level of commitment to them, physical, spiritual, and emotional. You don't however promise to never be turned on by another human being! This can be awkward, since in our society monogamy is so closely associated with commitment. It is hard for many to understand how I can say I love my husband and yet still give my body to another man. They don't comprehend how I have seperated commitment from monogamy.
I knew I was attracted to my friend Phillip and that the feeling was mutual. To many times during our friendship we had found ourselves in potentially awkward situations and run from them because we both loved my husband and couldn't bear to hurt him. Eventually we both realized that if we really loved him we needed to be honest with him. Phillip confided in him that he would often masturbate thinking of me, and I confided that often during our long seperations I would do the same. Imagine our suprise- and guilt alleviation- when he told us that he also fantasized about what it would be like to have a thrid party in bed and that the third had always in his fantasies been Phillip, whom he loved and trusted enough to bring into so intimate a setting. I don't know about you guys but I think it's about the best compliment you can give a person.
Once we'd confirmed the attraction, confirmed the desires were all mutual we were able to get down to brass tacks and work it out. I will stress that it is crucial that you discuss these things in a NON-SEXUAL SITUATION. It may seem like the logical choice to bring this up there, but I warn against it. Before, during or after sex is the worst time to bring this up because we think with our genitals and not with our brains. Think about it. If a person came up and approached you in the grocery store with some of the more risque' things we talk about in the bedroom you'd deck them! Yet somehow when we are aroused these things seem wonderful and exciting rather then taboo.
Tyme is absolutley right by taking her time and letting the ball roll slowly. To rush it is to disrespect all parties concerned and reduce the act to nothing more then a meaningless fuck! We all know how fun meaning less fucks can be, but introducing someone to your marriage bed shouldn't fall into that category.
Take your time, plan, overplan, and TALK! about everything, fantasies, masterbation, birth control, condom preference, physical health- in my situation we were all HIV tested before anything happened and had complete sexual physicals. -Remember that your not just bringing a third party to your bed, but everyone that person has slept with as well. Talk about the ways you like to be touched and to touch others and know that the way your spouse touches you may be repellant to the third party. Talk about penetration,sleeping arrangements, sexual appetites. In short leave no stone unturned. It's not very sexy, but it saves alot of anger and heartbreak in the long run.
throbbing4u
Virgin
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Re: Re: the voice of experience
I think every couple that is considering adding a third in their bedroom should head this advice, it is true. A couple has to be in a very special place in their relationship before this should ever be attemted. The level of honesty must be absolute or there will be problems.
My wife and i had talked about this for about four years before the fantisy became reality and we invited a mutual friend into our sex lives.
We get together every so often and give my wife a real treat.
We both wish we could have done it years before but we realise we were not at the right point in our relationship to emotionaly handle something of that magnatude. It's not for everyone and not to be rushed into.
The really neat thing about it is not just the wild sex the buddy and i give my wife, but the level of love, honesty, and understanding between my wife and me is incredable instead of another man driving us apart the whole experiance has made us all that much closer.
I don't recomend it for everybody but it sure has worked great for us.
Well gotta go to work.
PS
My friend is coming over tonight so we can have alittle fun. Keep you posted.
ozraven said:
I think every couple that is considering adding a third in their bedroom should head this advice, it is true. A couple has to be in a very special place in their relationship before this should ever be attemted. The level of honesty must be absolute or there will be problems.
My wife and i had talked about this for about four years before the fantisy became reality and we invited a mutual friend into our sex lives.
We get together every so often and give my wife a real treat.
We both wish we could have done it years before but we realise we were not at the right point in our relationship to emotionaly handle something of that magnatude. It's not for everyone and not to be rushed into.
The really neat thing about it is not just the wild sex the buddy and i give my wife, but the level of love, honesty, and understanding between my wife and me is incredable instead of another man driving us apart the whole experiance has made us all that much closer.
I don't recomend it for everybody but it sure has worked great for us.
Well gotta go to work.
PS
My friend is coming over tonight so we can have alittle fun. Keep you posted.
threeormoresome
Experienced
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- Jan 4, 2003
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We've had an open marriage for the last 5 out of 10 years. There is another possibility that isn't in your question - but might prove helpful to at least consider.
By bringing in a new friend you are adding the physical element and the emotional element. Some people need the two to go hand in hand, and that's fine, but some people can separate the physical from the emotional. If that is the case, you might want to try someone with no emotional investment.
We had our first experience like that at a Couples Club (on-premise). We went to the club, saw the sexy people, got naked in the hot tub, and went off by ourselves for sex while knowing that other people were liable to see or hear us. The next time we went we interacted with another couple. (Naturally, in this situation practice the safest sex possible.) The nice thing was that after each time we could talk about it and decide if we want to continue and there was not the friend to worry about.
By the way - the discussions before hand were the key. Also, we had decided no regrets - if we weren't comfortable with any part of it we stop and don't do that thing again, but at least we'd have tried something new.
Take it slow even in discussion and if you end up acting on any of it just remember that your partner is the most important part of it all.
Good luck!
By bringing in a new friend you are adding the physical element and the emotional element. Some people need the two to go hand in hand, and that's fine, but some people can separate the physical from the emotional. If that is the case, you might want to try someone with no emotional investment.
We had our first experience like that at a Couples Club (on-premise). We went to the club, saw the sexy people, got naked in the hot tub, and went off by ourselves for sex while knowing that other people were liable to see or hear us. The next time we went we interacted with another couple. (Naturally, in this situation practice the safest sex possible.) The nice thing was that after each time we could talk about it and decide if we want to continue and there was not the friend to worry about.
By the way - the discussions before hand were the key. Also, we had decided no regrets - if we weren't comfortable with any part of it we stop and don't do that thing again, but at least we'd have tried something new.
Take it slow even in discussion and if you end up acting on any of it just remember that your partner is the most important part of it all.
Good luck!
ExtacyCouple
Really Experienced
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- Mar 15, 2002
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My wife and I brought my best freind into the bedroom and it has been nothing but a positive experience. It is the ultamate level of trust and one of the most erotic things we have ever done. We never talked about it before the first time it just kinda happened one night. After that we talked about it in detail and discussed how we both felt about it. Since then we have done it many more times so I guess we both felt good about it.
