How do I seduce my sex-weary wife?

[Bobmi357]

Anger only works for some people. If some one becomes angry with me, I walk away, I leave. If I'm in a position where I can't leave, I simply shut down and become totally unresponsive.

Anger is counter productive. It clouds reasoning and brings out the instinctual reactions in us.

How many times have we seen movies or read books where the good guy was always told that if he had to fight, do it coldly, logically, and without any anger?

If your initial reaction is to immediately want to smash something when your spouse does something to anger you, then you need to work on controlling it. Uncontrolled anger is why we have so much domestic battery in this country.

Yelling and shouting are just the least manifestations of anger, but even yelling and shouting make it difficult to really get a point across. Approaching someone, be it your spouse, or a friend, or a coworker, with the intent of yelling transmits your anger to them. So suddenly they are angry right back and the fight escalates.

If you think you really need to vent your anger before approaching your spouse with an issue, take it out on an inanimate object. Mow the lawn, punch a tree, kick a garbage can. Do whatever you need to do to vent the anger, but don't think you can bring up an important issue with someone when you're filled with an uncontroled rage.

 

[huskie]

The funny thing is she found lit and showed it to me. Now I'm sitting at 600+ posts and she's puttering along at less than 100.

Native New Yorkers. We LOVE to give our opinions...

I know I'm lucky, I have her.

as long as a person is welling there is ALWAYS a chance! Good luck to you and yours.

 

[HotAzLady69]

I did not read everything here...Are you his spouse? If so, I did not realize that and apologize

No I'm not his wife I'm someone totally different but I do have this problem and it comes up. I want to get it taken care of soon, as to my bf and I are talking marriage and I don't want this to be a problem in our relationship now or when and if we do get married.
Please try to look at the whole scope to keep down confusion and tempers.

 

[janus40s]

Anger only works for some people. If some one becomes angry with me, I walk away, I leave. If I'm in a position where I can't leave, I simply shut down and become totally unresponsive.

Is it a matter of degrees? Suppose he was frustrated but had it under control, could you deal with it or would he have to check all of his negative emotions at the door?

This is a carry over from my childhood: the only way my mother felt she could "effectively" communicate was waiting until she was angry. As a child, I would shut down and tune out of her ragings. When I got older, I simply left the situation. If I am with a S/O who engages in this type of "communication," he is not showing me anything but his immaturity in dealing with a situation.

Sure. This is uncontrolled anger. It's immature and a barrier to communication.

I refuse to be a part of it, and will leave him to stew in his own anger.

The important thing to realize is that some people can relate during angry situations. Others of us simply do not. Thankfully, my partner is like me. We can leave anger at the door and talk to one another. We seem to accomplish much more that way.

and the flip side is that you are unable to help him through it. He has to handle his anger alone. I gather that it works both ways? If you're angry you don't get any help or support from him either until you work it out on your own?

Yes, there is a lot of individual difference, and I think you might find that it is a factor in predicting long-term survival of a relationship.

Most couples who have been together for a long time and are still happy have found ways of supporting each other during moments of anger rather than withdrawing and forcing each other to deal with it alone.

I don't have any research to back that up and am only going on what I see in successful relationships.

"A long time" would proably be 10+ years I guess.

 

[ReadyOne]

http://us.f1f.yahoofs.com/users/b6457463/bc/Antivirus.jpg?bf4SKd_AthO449I4

OK, how do I insert a graphic DIRECTLY into the message, since I can't get a stable reference...

Thanks!

 

[wicked woman]

These were posted on the GB a while ago... I think by Dillinger...my apologies if my memory is wrong. It's not all about chocolates, flowers, and romantic dinners.

How to Melt a Woman's Heart

•Ask her to dance.
•On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
•When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
•Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
•Put your arm around her when you introduce her to friends and family.
•Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
•Call her when you're feeling sad.
•Kiss her eyelids.
•Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
•Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
•If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
•Stand her naked on a sturdy chair, and lick between her legs.
•Occaisionally call her by her first AND middle names.
•Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
•Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
•Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
•Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
•Send her something in the mail. Anything.
•When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
•Call her just before you get on the plane.
•Pick her clothes up off the floor.
•Try to make her laugh when she's feeling down.
•Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than the game.
•Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
•Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.
•Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
•Worship her breasts.
•Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
•Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
•In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
•Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
•Moan her name when she goes down on you.
•Read her a story when it's her turn to drive on a long road trip.
•Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
•Notice when she's wearing something new.
•Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
•Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

And, if she's too stressed to want sex...
•Draw a bath for her.
•Give her a full-body massage.
•As if she wants to wrestle.

 

[James G 5]

No I'm not his wife I'm someone totally different but I do have this problem and it comes up. I want to get it taken care of soon, as to my bf and I are talking marriage and I don't want this to be a problem in our relationship now or when and if we do get married.
Please try to look at the whole scope to keep down confusion and tempers.

Ok...as I said, I was adressing myself to the original post & subsequent follow ups
It didn't occur to me that someone else who was here might assume I was talking about her
Next time, please ask me before assuming & yelling, and I will try to be more specific

 

[James G 5]

Book on the other perspective

Ok, I found the review for the book I mentioned (any typos are mine)
(quoted from the review, portion in Italics is direct quotes from the book, items in Red are my emphasis added):

A common dilema is a marriage in which a wife ceases to want or be sexually/physically intimate with her husband. Without the intimacy, it's not much of a marriage. The typical advice you'll get from self-help books is to be more attentive to your wife's emotional needs and the sex will follow. We wonder why the equation can't be turned around: If your wife had sex with you more often, she'd have her emotional and every other need met-and then some. That's why we like what we hear from Michelle Weiner Davis, author of The Sex Starved Marriage. She stands up for guys, noting that it's not fair for a wife to refuse to fulfill her husband's desires while demanding monogamy.
"A lot of women need an emotional connection to feel aroused," she says. "They can't fathom how to have sex if there's tension in the air, or the kids are home, or there are clothes to be folded. Desire is a decision. I tell women to succumb to their husbands no matter their mood and see what happens. One group was amazed at the response-their husbands suddenly read to the kids, set aside time to talk, fixed things. And women who think they aren't in the mood often end up enjoying themselves immensely.
"Men tell me that sex with their wives is about more than getting off. It makes them feel wanted, loved, appreciated. masculine. If the wife shuts her husband out, he has one of two reactions: (1) He becomes highly critical because he's so angry, or (2) he withdraws. Neither response will get you laid. My advice for guys is to explain how they feel when they're refused. A husband told his wife in a session with me, 'When I reach for you and you reject me, there's no lonelier feeling.' His wife responded, 'When you touch me the only thing I can think about it whether I'm in the mood.' That was a start.

 

[wicked woman]

Interesting James. I read a short article today about mismatched sex drives. In the case where the woman was the person with the lower sex drive one of the pieces of advice they gave was for her to start when she was still in neutral. Even though she may not be aroused or overly in the mood...she should agree to make love...that often once she would start at neutral she would become excited and more responsive. Only trouble was there was no comment on what to do or how it feels if she stays in neutral.

Men tell me that sex with their wives is about more than getting off. It makes them feel wanted, loved, appreciated. masculine

I liked this part...but don't think it's exclusive to men...women feel the same way....well feminine

 

[TxBelle]

Yes body image can be one problem. It took me years to cut my hair because I liked it covering my face when I had sex. I hate that it's so short now. I hate it when he has he lights on or candles lite. I hate it when he gets in the shower with me. I hatte fucking in the day time. I do however love fucking in the dark doggie style where he can't see my face/body. Try allowing your wives more privacy while making love. Turn off the lights.

As a mother of 3 kids I know that thougths of sex are often he last thing on my mind and that thought is usually "good he's already asleep and I don't have to worry about fucking again tonight"

Let's shed some light on what your wives might be thinking.
Alarm goes off and BOOM the brain kicks in.
Get the coffee made. Get makeup on. Iron clothes. Start a new load of laundry. Empty dishwasher. Wake up kids. Get them dressed and fed. Switch laundry over to dryer. Load dishwasher. Did the trash get taken out? Make sure everyone has lunch money. Make sure all paperwork was signed to be returned to school. Get school bags ready. Have kids brush teeth. Have kids bring dirty laundry from bedroom and bathroom. You wet the bed? Ok honey bring mommy your dirty sheets. Put new sheets on bed. Did I pay the electric bill? Walk dog after picking up dog crap. Feed and water hermit crabs because kids were at karate class late last night and forgot. Feed dog because are running late and it's just easier that way. Wake up oldest son. Hunt in couch for lost change to cover his lunch since you gave the little guys the last of your cash. Decides he'll brown bag it. Out of sandwhich bags. Add that to grocery list. Have older kiddo take trash out. Hang up dried clothes put another load in. Write school note for yesterday's absence. Go online to pay car insurance bill before it cancels. Grab luch, start car, realize you need gas. Get to work ....ah rest! Go home kiss everyone. Start more laundry. start dinner. Wonder what the fuck that sticky shit is on the floor. Remind kids to get shoes and book bags out of living room. Check homework. Sign papers. Remind kids to put papers in school bags. Scrap burned dinner out of pan before it sets. Remind husband to call his mother. Listen to step mom bitch about fathers bad health habits for 15 minutes on the phone. Have boys get toys out of the yard. Remind them to feed dog and hermit crabs. Go grocery shopping. Fix snack for 2nd grade party. Water plants. Pay bills. Make sure kids do chores. Bitch at kids for being kids and doing chores half assed. Fold laudry and have kids put it away. Sweep floor. Get sticky shit off floor. Shower. Bed. Set alarm clock to do it all over the next day.

Guy's thoughts.... I wonder what's for dinner. Hope she had a good day cause I sure would like a blow job tonight.

Oh and as for the person who said something about the wife'ssex drive decreasing after the ring went on....Well maybe she just hoped that somehow the sex would get better after they were settled down and could get more insink with one another and then realized after several months that this was as good as it was going to get so she just gave up. Not that that's a good thing but maybe that's what happened.

 

[TxBelle]

sorry about the bad spelling in the prior post. I've got sticky crap all over the keyboardand the some of the keys aren't working.

 

[James G 5]

Guy's thoughts.... I wonder what's for dinner. Hope she had a good day cause I sure would like a blow job tonight.

This is ridiculously insulting to all the men out there who work hard to help support their families AND help out with the home & raising the kids

 

[HotAzLady69]

This is ridiculously insulting to all the men out there who work hard to help support their families AND help out with the home & raising the kids

Sadly enough tho....most guys go to work and go home, they don't help with crap around the house.
You maybe different and take it as an insult but most guys not all but most don't do diddly around the house. They leave it to the woman to do even if she works too.

I honestly don't think she was trying to insult the guys.

 

[TxBelle]

This is ridiculously insulting to all the men out there who work hard to help support their families AND help out with the home & raising the kids

In reality many men do help around the house. Mine included. However, many do not. My point was not wether men do or don't help. My point was that women's minds are always going and worry is a constant companion. Our minds get tired and we don't sit around and "mind fuck" ourselves into the mood all day without effort. From what I've been told by men they don't think like this at all. It's as if their minds are free to ponder their lovely wives and in all honesty the basic and much more important things in life.

Now keep in mind that sometimes men put themselves in the position of not being able to help. You will rearly hear a man say he can't work the OT or move to the new facility because he needs to be home for his kids. He automatically says "Yeah my wife can handle it. I'll drive and extra 30 miles a day and work 15 hours etra per week." After a few years of moving on up the wife is handling everything all by herself and she's slipped down the corporate ladder a few rungs because she had to take off with the kids when they were sick, had dentist appointments, or a school conference. The hubby is still helping around the house but considering he only has two hours between the time he gets home and goes to bed it's a lot less.

Then you've got the guys who are as sweet and thoughtful as can be but can't process a thought and lay out a plan to get things done to save their lives. Their women love them dearly and recognize their efforts but spend most of their extra free thought time forgiving the dumbasses for letting the kid go to school without combing their hair, no jacket or umbrella, and not having the Wed folder signed, while the movies he was supposed to retun yesterday sit in the car.

Just for the record my husband and I hate those stupid ass commercials where the dad is letting the kids tear up the house and says, "Where is your mother?" I think they are JC Penny commercials. They are just aweful.

 

[janus40s]

TX describes a live that would be a wonderful fantasy for my wife. I'll intersperse her reality for comparison... BTW: I'm changing the order a little bit but not significantly. The sequence has more to do with my wife’s individual preferences.

Let's shed some light on what your wives might be thinking.
Alarm goes off and BOOM the brain kicks in.

The alarm goes off for the fourth time. Instead of hitting the snooze alarm one more time, she groggily gets out of bed and begins to face the day.

Shower.

Yup.

Get the coffee made. Get makeup on.

Yeah, right. She has her first cup of coffee when she gets to work. Makeup? Maybe once or twice a year and *never* when she's in a hurry.

Iron clothes.

Only if absolutely necessary.

Start a new load of laundry. Empty dishwasher. Switch laundry over to dryer. Hang up dried clothes put another load in.

Uh, no, that's my job.

Load dishwasher. Did the trash get taken out?

Yeah, she does that but not in the morning, thank you.

Make sure everyone has lunch money. Out of sandwich bags. Add that to grocery list.

Make sure she has her own lunch money and/or make a lunch to take with. Out of sandwich bags. Add that to grocery list.

Wake up kids. Get them dressed and fed. Make sure all paperwork was signed to be returned to school. Get school bags ready. Have kids brush teeth. Have kids bring dirty laundry from bedroom and bathroom. You wet the bed? Ok, honey, bring mommy your dirty sheets. Put new sheets on bed. Feed and water hermit crabs because kids were at karate class late last night and forgot. Wake up oldest son. Hunt in couch for lost change to cover his lunch since you gave the little guys the last of your cash. Decides he'll brown bag it. Write school note for yesterday's absence.

Gosh it would be wonderful to have any of these problems.

Walk dog after picking up dog crap. Feed dog because she’s running late and it's just easier that way.

Think about the fact that the house is even emptier now that the dog is gone. Naw, don't go there...

Did the gas bill get paid? Go online to pay car insurance bill before it cancels.

Make mental note to ask hubby if he remembered to pay the gas bill and the insurance before they cancel.

Grab lunch, start car, realize you need gas.

That’s about right.

Get to work ....ah rest!

Oh, my… that's the funniest part of all of this. Reality: Spend 8 hours on feet teaching other people's children how to write a complete sentence, even though they are high school juniors. Maybe get to spend her prep period grading papers but probably not. The principal has some goofy project he wants her to take on or there’s a teacher out and they can’t find subs so she has to cover a class. Spend her duty hour calling parents to ask them why their children aren't in school. Hear them bitch and moan about how hard it is to keep track of them and how hard it is to be parents. Resist temptation to say what she’s really thinking. Try to remember that she really is making a difference and it's worth working for half of a descent salary just to be able to spend time with "her" kids.

Go home kiss everyone.

Go home, kiss hubby.

Start more laundry.

Go to basement and sort clothes into piles by color so that hubby won't put the pink clothes in with the mauve clothes.

start dinner.

Only when the afternoon nap is finished. Good grief, you don't expect her to make dinner when she's completely exhausted, do you? Do you have any idea how hard it is to be "up" all day at work and keep control of 120 teenagers (30 at a time but still...).

Wonder what the fuck that sticky shit is on the floor.

Yeah, that's about right.

Remind kids to get shoes and book bags out of living room. Check homework. Sign papers. Remind kids to put papers in school bags.

Grade papers, record grades. Bemoan the fact that half of the kids didn't turn in papers. Try not to get too discouraged. Wonder where the hell these parents are and why they can’t take a minute out of their day to encourage their kids to at least try…

Scrap burned dinner out of pan before it sets.

Two words: Micro wave. (Yeah, that's really one word, deal with it).

Remind husband to call his mother.

Don't bother. It ain't gonna happen

Listen to step mom bitch about fathers bad health habits for 15 minutes on the phone.

Maybe remember those long ago days before her father died and her mother became so bitter... Nah, it isn’t worth it. Go get a hug from hubby instead.

Have boys get toys out of the yard. Remind them to feed dog and hermit crabs.

Dream on. Hmmm… Maybe we cold get a hermit crab…

Go grocery shopping. Water plants. Fix snack for 2nd grade party.

Pretty close, except that it’s a social at the house of another childless couple where we can spend time talking to them and a lot of our single friends.

Pay bills. Make sure kids do chores. Bitch at kids for being kids and doing chores half assed.

Nag husband about doing chores half assed. Ask again if he paid the bills.

Fold laundry and have kids put it away.

Ask hubby if there are any towels for tomorrow.

Sweep floor. Get sticky shit off floor.

At least once a month, whether it needs it or not.

Bed. Set alarm clock to do it all over the next day.

Same, and then feel hubby’s hand on her thigh. Try to decide if she’s interested.

Guy's thoughts.... I wonder what's for dinner. Hope she had a good day cause I sure would like a blow job tonight.

Ask hubby to recount his entire day in excruciating detail, because of course he wants to talk about his day and re-live it all over again, right?

Oh and as for the person who said something about the wife'ssex drive decreasing after the ring went on....

Actually, it took about 18 years before it started to slack off.

Well maybe she just hoped that somehow the sex would get better after they were settled down and could get more in sync with one another and then realized after several months that this was as good as it was going to get so she just gave up.

Attempt to understand this woman who seems to be writing from another planet. Why on earth would she stay married to the guy if it wasn’t any good from the beginning?

Not that that's a good thing but maybe that's what happened.

You see, there are people out here in the real world you would give their eyeteeth to have kids of their own and have to suffer with all of the crap you seem to take for granted.

Sure, they could adopt, if they could scrape together the $10,000 per child or maybe they could try that new procedure where they take an individual sperm and inject it into an egg. Only problem would be finding the sperm, oh and the $10k - $30k that isn’t covered by insurance.

Being able to have sex a little more often is a very anemic substitute for having your own children.

 

[janus40s]

...I honestly don't think she was trying to insult the guys.

Um, no, I think this one was intended to be a pretty harsh dig against guys in general and one guy in particular.

 

[HotAzLady69]

janus40s
You never fail to amaze me do you? lol.
Morning hun.

 

[HotAzLady69]

Um, no, I think this one was intended to be a pretty harsh dig against guys in general and one guy in particular.

I don't know hun, I didn't see it that way but maybe you're right.
I think maybe more of a generalization of some peoples lives.
But you've been on this board longer than I have so you could very well be right

GOD I'm so tired but can't sleep.
I had to edit this one twice now lol.
Make that three edits now lol.

 

[BirdsWife]

I think janus40s made a very good point that gets lost on many women. It is all about priorities.


We ladies put way too much pressure on ourselves to have the "perfect" life. The image of June Cleaver is firmly placed in out minds and reenforced daily by the media. We all choose where to channel our energies, and when you spend it all on trying to be perfect all you do is end up being miserable and making the people around you miserable as well.

The day TxBelle described could have been a direct transcript from my life, except interspursed throughout it would be conscious thoughts such as: Think of hubby's mouth on my neck. Imagine his lips on my breast. Remember to ask him to do that thing with his finger again.

By the time he gets home I want to jump his bones.

Is the world going to come to an end because the kitchen table didn't get wiped off last night? Will little Sally be ostracized because she came to school one day without her hair combed? I mean, really, if I have to choose between washing that sticky spot off of the floor or sneaking off into the bedroom to make out with my husband for five minutes, I'm picking the making out.

I'll never win a good housekeeping award or have my picture in House Beautiful magazine, but as long as my family is safe and healthy and happy, who gives a damn about the rest?

 

[janus40s]

...But you've been on this board longer than I have

But not by much.

so you could very well be right ...

Even if it was hash and even if it was intentional, I think I'll cut her (TxBelle) some slack.

It's healthy to express one's anger, especially if one can blow off the steam in the direction of people (us) who aren't as directly affected.

 

[janus40s]

I think janus40s made a very good point that gets lost on many women.

Ah, that feels good... Thanks.

It is all about priorities.

We ladies put way too much pressure on ourselves to have the "perfect" life. The image of June Cleaver is firmly placed in out minds and reenforced daily by the media. We all choose where to channel our energies, and when you spend it all on trying to be perfect all you do is end up being miserable and making the people around you miserable as well.

It isn't just the ladies. A lot of men put pressure on themselves to make absolutely every last dime they can in order to "support the family". Sometimes the extra money isn't worth the stress.

Also, it is extremely difficult for most men to put family ahead of work. Usually the job, and often the family, will come down very hard on him for it.

Men are more often criticized for being lazy ("that worthless husband of mine") when they fall short of the income-generating expectations than they are for failing to "help out around the house".

Try an experiment sometime guys: tell your wife "I'm thinking of switching to half time so that I can be here more for you and the kids. Sure we'll have to cut back but it will be worth it." I wonder how well that would go over with most wives (not to mention mothers in law).

The day TxBelle described could have been a direct transcript from my life, except interspursed throughout it would be conscious thoughts such as: Think of hubby's mouth on my neck. Imagine his lips on my breast. Remember to ask him to do that thing with his finger again.

By the time he gets home I want to jump his bones.

Now here is a woman who knows how to enjoy life. Are you saying that you think those things in order to keep yourself in the mood or that those thoughts come to mind whether you want them or not?

Is the world going to come to an end because the kitchen table didn't get wiped off last night? Will little Sally be ostracized because she came to school one day without her hair combed? I mean, really, if I have to choose between washing that sticky spot off of the floor or sneaking off into the bedroom to make out with my husband for five minutes, I'm picking the making out.

That's one of the advantages of not having children. We haven't vacumed the carpets in about six weeks and the kitchen floor is probably due for its every-couple of months cleaning.

I'll never win a good housekeeping award or have my picture in House Beautiful magazine, but as long as my family is safe and healthy and happy, who gives a damn about the rest?

Somehow I would suspect that the kids are better off if mom and dad have a healthy, active sex life.

 

[Bobmi357]

Geez TxBelle, if I had a life like the one you describe, I'd probably shave my head and enter a tibetan monastery!

But the fact is, I DID have it similar. My first marriage sorta went like this;

Get up at 5am. Get dressed, put on beeper, run out of the apartment by 6am to get to work by 7. Pick up something to eat either on the way, or once I'm there.

Wife, up at 7, runs around shrieking at the top of her lungs to get the boys moving. Doesn't make breakfast for the kids, after all, she's paying extra for their meals at school. School bus picks them up in front of the apartment at 8:30am.

Now she can relax. She doesn't clean the house, she'll do a laundry if need be, but only her clothes and the boys. I have to do my own laundry. Spends her day watching TV or chatting with friends on the phone. Or just doing nothing. Cooks a less than healthy meal for the boys when they come home from school. (Most of the time its just cereal or mac & cheese), watches more tv. Forces the kids to bed between 6&7pm despite thier being old enough to be staying up til at least 9pm.

My Day:
Deal with senior VP who is making 10 times more than I, but is so dumb he can't seem to grasp the concept of "You have to be logged into the network in order to use the network printer". Deal out the daily assignments for the staff, then continue working on the presentation to senior management to convince them why we need a disaster recovery plan. Man the help desk for a few hours because the gal we had on the desk isn't feeling well and went home early. Answer a dozen or more inane questions from engineers that should know better. Continue working on that Disaster Recovery plan while also working on a set of windows front end net management tools. Five pm, everyone goes home, not me. Time for me to really get to work. Eng 1 needs to have a new hard drive installed, Fin 2 needs to have that 8 bit network card replaced with a 16bit one and Eng 3 can finally get that new processor card installed. Get out of work by 10pm.

Wait 40 minutes for the bus because after 9pm they slip to a slower schedule. Pick up something to eat for dinner because I know the wife hasn't prepared anything for me to eat. Get home, if its a normal day, she's already locked herself in the kids bedroom and is asleep. If she wants something she'll still be up. She's up this time. She wants me to know that the landlord is threatening to evict us. I give her 500 bucks a week to pay bills and somehow she's managed to "Forget" paying the rent AGAIN. Seems the home shopping channel has a sale on these stupid figurines and she bought a bunch of them (cost, over 900 bucks). Fortunately I make extra money by working weekends so I'll be able to meet the deadline the landlord has set.
SEX? In the last four years of the marriage, we had sex exactly three times. It wasn't that I didn't want sex, I did. But she refused. I resented her for it, I grew to hate her. From day one I would do anything she wanted to please her, and she'd treat me like dirt. She never once hugged me, she'd shy away from hugs, wouldn't kiss. In short I was her meal ticket and nothing more.

The straw that finally broke the camels back for me was her sleeping arrangements. I slept alone, and one night I got seriously sick, in intense pain. I needed help and was unable to get her to come out of the boys bedroom.

That marriage lasted 12yrs. By the end I was working 70 hr weeks JUST TO AVOID GOING HOME. I seriously thought about cheating on her, I had several opportunities, but cheating isn't in my makeup.

Now I'm married again. To a wonderful woman (she's not perfect, but then neither am I). She loves me, I love her. But it isn't about the sex. When I met her, she was still in college, 13 yrs younger than I am. She might not have been very experienced in sex, but she taught me what real love is all about. Its about holding hands, hugs, little caresses, doing things together. Its about having someone to scratch your back or spending a pleasant evening reading in bed and rubbing her back with one hand while she also reads. Its about wanting her so badly that sometimes it hurts. Its about wanting to give her pleasure, to see that particular expression on her face as she orgasms and knowing that she'd only do that with me.

A few years back she experienced a sharp drop in her sex drive for no discernable reason. I nearly had a total panic. I didn't want this marriage to go the way of the first. So we started talking, really talking. And while perhaps things haven't gone back to the way they were before, its a definite improvement and I can see she's putting a concerted effort into it. Truly I can find no reason to fault her, and even if her efforts don't bring her sex drive back to where it was, I cannot but love her more for what she's done and doing.

Marriage is much more than living your life with someone. It means you're committed to living, and caring for the other person. Even if kids are involved, time must be made by both spouses to spend some quality time with each other. If you allow it, life will grind you down, dull your edge, and your responsibility and suddenly you'll find you have drifted apart from your spouse. No matter how stressful life can be, no matter what crap it deals you, if you assume all is well in your relationship and do not continue to work at it, the relationship will fall apart due to neglect.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Bobmi357
Now I'm married again. To a wonderful woman (she's not perfect, but then neither am I). She loves me, I love her. But it isn't about the sex. When I met her, she was still in college, 13 yrs younger than I am. She might not have been very experienced in sex, but she taught me what real love is all about. Its about holding hands, hugs, little caresses, doing things together. Its about having someone to scratch your back or spending a pleasant evening reading in bed and rubbing her back with one hand while she also reads. Its about wanting her so badly that sometimes it hurts. Its about wanting to give her pleasure, to see that particular expression on her face as she orgasms and knowing that she'd only do that with me.

God Bob I love reading your posts!

Some of us take the road less travelled hon...we wonder why, but in the end it turns out to be the right road for us. I don't know why it is...I've given up wondering why. I just know that's how it is for me.

 

[warrior queen]

Interesting James. I read a short article today about mismatched sex drives. In the case where the woman was the person with the lower sex drive one of the pieces of advice they gave was for her to start when she was still in neutral. Even though she may not be aroused or overly in the mood...she should agree to make love...that often once she would start at neutral she would become excited and more responsive. Only trouble was there was no comment on what to do or how it feels if she stays in neutral.

i have an article buried somewhere in my puter - i will try and dig it out and put it here when i find it - but it basically says that in order to want sex, you first have to have sex.

it says that women who are experiencing a loss of their libido, are sometimes the victims of non-sex - ie. as soon as they stop having sex on a regular basis, their physical need for sex also decreases.

the article goes on to say that many women don't realise that the easiest way to get back their sex-drive, is to actually have sex. the more you have sex (especially good sex) the more you want it.

apparently, it's all connected to the hormone release caused by female orgasm.

it's also worth pointing out here, that women who have difficulty orgasming, are also prone to loss of libido - and let's face it, many women 'fake' orgasm, and therefore unwittingly become trapped in the non-sex cycle.

(this is NOT a dig at men's ability to please their women - rather i have put it here to show how honest communication between partners can help with this issue.
i personally know many women who are stuck here, and all because they feel they cannot discuss their lack of orgasm with their partner - they find it easier to simply fake it, and get things over and done with.
sad, but apparently not that uncommon.)

if i manage to dig the original article out of the misty depths of my computer, i'll put it here.

 

[TxBelle]

i have an article buried somewhere in my puter - i will try and dig it out and put it here when i find it - but it basically says that in order to want sex, you first have to have sex.

it says that women who are experiencing a loss of their libido, are sometimes the victims of non-sex - ie. as soon as they stop having sex on a regular basis, their physical need for sex also decreases.

the article goes on to say that many women don't realise that the easiest way to get back their sex-drive, is to actually have sex. the more you have sex (especially good sex) the more you want it.

apparently, it's all connected to the hormone release caused by female orgasm.

it's also worth pointing out here, that women who have difficulty orgasming, are also prone to loss of libido - and let's face it, many women 'fake' orgasm, and therefore unwittingly become trapped in the non-sex cycle.

(this is NOT a dig at men's ability to please their women - rather i have put it here to show how honest communication between partners can help with this issue.
i personally know many women who are stuck here, and all because they feel they cannot discuss their lack of orgasm with their partner - they find it easier to simply fake it, and get things over and done with.
sad, but apparently not that uncommon.)

if i manage to dig the original article out of the misty depths of my computer, i'll put it here.

This is exactly me! I got caught in that trap for years before I finally told my husband what was up. And I've been kicking myself ever since! I should have know better but after years of fucking everything that walked before my marriage I really thought there was nothing left. I had gotten off exactly once with a man and that was thru oral sex not intercourse....blew my mind! with my husband I thought ok there's a potential for something great here. It never panned out. Went thru the whole "What's wrong with me" thing too. Finally I opened my mouth and he was just awesome. I tell him when I get mine now and when he owes meand he loves it. All that frustration due to my own damn immaturity. I need to hug him extra tonight.