How do I seduce my sex-weary wife?

[janus40s]

...Been there, got the t-shirt to prove it, and all I learned was the longer I held off and said nothing, the more resentful I became to the woman I love.

It all boils down to communications. If you fail to communicate, if you obstinately sit there saying "I can out last her!", you'll get angry, you'll start to resent her, little things that mean nothing will be blow out of proportion. And a good relationship can turn sour.

I tried this tactic for a while, and along the way I realized that if I didn't start talking to her, we were going to have the mother of all fights simply because I was allowing my feelings to simmer to a slow boil for too long. And when I did talk to her, I had to keep repeating to myself "Be calm, don't be angry". I had to surpress the need to be angry otherwise we would accomplish nothing by talking. Its not easy to have a calm, thoughtful discussion when you're angry.

There is a middle ground to this. You have to somehow share your emotions with her. Talking calmly and not getting angry is counterproductive.

By forcing yourself to be calm, you still aren't communicating. You may be telling her the facts but you aren't telling her (or more to the point, "showing" her) how you feel.

It is difficult to learn how to show your angry in a *controlled* way so that she sees how you feel *but* also knows that she isn't going to be hurt by your feelings.

But this is one of those types of "talks" where anger serves no purpose, and can make matters worse.

I disagree. Anger serves a very important purpose. It shows her that she has hurt you. More importantly, it shows her that she has an effect on you and that you really care about her and the problem.

Of course, if you talk about it early, there won't be as much anger and it will be much easier to express it without blowing a gasket.

So guys, you really have three choices.

a) talk to her.
b) fight and perhaps ruin the relationship.
c) go outside the relationship to find what you need and aren't getting, and in the process ruin what and your spouse took so long to build.

d) fight with her gently. Don't throw rocks, throw "nerf balls"

I'll take the first option everytime.

... and I'll take "d".

 

[janus40s]

...Thank you

You're very welcome.

That's what I was trying to get across in an earlier post concerning this matter.

Communications is the most important factor in a relationship if it's to grow into something fantastic.

With talking for many many hrs and sometime debating and other times down right arguing my bf and I have been able to grow alot together and he's helped me alot in this same instance where I didn't feel that I was attractive enough or sexy enough.
But I never once that I can think of told him that's what he thinks or see's.

Perhaps not directly, but have you ever given him a non-commital "hrumph" in response to a comment about your physical beauty?

"Blowing off" a compliment is a very sincere way of telling him that you're not taking him seriously. Of course, maybe you throw your arms around him and give him a wet sloppy kiss whenever he tells you you're sexy.

I have however said I don't see what he see's in me physically and I don't understand it but as long as he's happy with me that's fine...

Even this sound like a kind of begrudging acceptance. You are agreeing to disagree, rather than absorbing his appreciation of you and making it part of you.

I'll strive to make myself feel better such as my arobics and physical activities that I do.

Another way of making yourself feel good might be to allow him to "get to you". When he lusts after you, don't turn away. Watch his eyes and face and let yourself realize that he's probably undressing you in his mind.

It's embarrassing to let yourself *really* feel what he is feeling, but if you can open yourself up to the sincerity of it, it might help you with your own confidence.

Thank you janus40s for helping me see what the male goes through in this type of situation.

You're welcome.

As an example, my wife almost always gets up and gets dressed while I am still in bed. I quite often watch her, pretending to be asleep. Every once in a while, I let her catch me at it.

At that moment, there's nothing she can do to hide. She's wearing a towel on her hair and nothing else. Her whole body can turn red from embarrassment but I keep watching. My unblinking eyes on her as she continues to get dressed are difficult for her to take but it's also quite effective at getting her to accept that her beauty is very real.

 

[HotAzLady69]

Even this sound like a kind of begrudging acceptance. You are agreeing to disagree, rather than absorbing his appreciation of you and making it part of you.

You know I've never thought of it that way, is that how he most
likely takes it?

Perhaps not directly, but have you ever given him a non-commital "hrumph" in response to a comment about your physical beauty?

Well in all honesty I have but not where he could see it, I'd do something similar to it after I'm in another room but to him I smile and tell him thank you and sometimes kisses him for his sweetness.

Another way of making yourself feel good might be to allow him to "get to you". When he lusts after you, don't turn away. Watch his eyes and face and let yourself realize that he's probably undressing you in his mind.

Could you please take this further, what do you mean by "get to me" ?

As an example, my wife almost always gets up and gets dressed while I am still in bed. I quite often watch her, pretending to be asleep. Every once in a while, I let her catch me at it.

I do the same thing or if he's up before and he's on the computer and it's in our room, I usually get to where I'm behinde him and he's not aware of what I'm doing....but sometimes he is and he turns around and just watches me and I just turn totally red from head to toe lol.

I'm sorry for hijacking this thread too, it caught my eye and made me kinda glad I wasn't the only woman going through this.
I felt as though something was wrong with me cuz of it lol.
Now I see that I'm not the only one is this situation.

 

[entitled]

If you all don't mind my tossing a couple of pennies' worth in and stirring the pot a little, i have a question. What if it's NOT a woman's self image? What if it's something more, something much deeper than that?

There have been mention of medications or illnesses that could cause this. There's also the fact that a lot of things just change as time goes by. Nothing stays static. NOTHING. Maybe things haven't changed much, but they have changed some. There's a good possibility that even she doesn't know what's happened, or that she doesn't realize that things have changed enough to make you pose a question here.

Those people that have suggested trying to communicate like the adults you are have given the best advice possible. How are we supposed to know what to do, when it's the two of you with the problem? Just remember that it's not going to come together in a day. It takes time and understanding to have even that first conversation, even less work the kinks out of a relationship.

 

[Aztecs94]

Re: I can relate

Dude-

I can completely relate to your situation. When I got married, the sex stopped. We have done the counseling, doctors, etc. all to no avail. We love each other, but she is very rarely interested in sex. We are pretty much just roommates at this point (sex once or twice a month). I am curious to see what the ladies say about this, as I am starting to believe that once the ring goes on, the sex stops mentality. We had great sex before we got married, and it pretty much dried up when the ring went on...

I have read that we are not the only ones. About 25% of all marriages are "sexless", meaning that they have sex 2 times or less/year.

Ladies...help!

Hmmm if I didn't know any better I would think that I wrote that. Weird! Someone once asked me when we were going to have kids and I replied don't you have to have sex first.

 

[James G 5]

Everyone puts this off on the GUY

There's a great book I recently read about by a woman therapist that discusses how a lot of this is the WOMAN'S problem, and how the man in her life can only do so much, and that if SHE wants to keep the relationship she should try harder and work to please her man sexually even if she doesn't feel like it, as it will help the relationship overall
Of course I can't find the info on the book now but I will post it later

Seriously, people always put it on the man to work work WORK on this...if the woman has serious issues or is just unwilling, ultimately he will only be more unhappy for working so hard
In that case it might eb time to do a cost-benefit analysis on the relationship

P.S., why is it so rarely mentioned that if she's dropped off drastically rather than just tapering and she has no explanation that it might not be mental or emotioanl or medication but that maybe she's having an affair?
'cause BOY that gets mentioned about us guys
I know when both of my exs started cheating they didnt want sex at home

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[James G 5]

Speaking from experience, this doesn't just happen to men.

There are relationships where the MAN withholds the sex.

Also true

 

[janus40s]

Everyone puts this off on the GUY

...the man in her life can only do so much, and that if SHE wants to keep the relationship she should try harder and work to please her man sexually even if she doesn't feel like it, as it will help the relationship overall

First of all, the thread was started by a guy asking a question, so it is reasonable to focus on what he can do to fix things.

However, to your larger point, if the woman's sex drive is declining and man's isn't, the man is the one who is motivated to change the situation. She may not want to do anything about it, except to please him. From her perspective, she doesn't want any more sex than is already happening.

In those kinds of cases, yes, it may be the woman's problem but it will be the man who is feeling it more acutely, so he's the one who will be coming to us and asking for help.

...Seriously, people always put it on the man to work work WORK on this...if the woman has serious issues or is just unwilling, ultimately he will only be more unhappy for working so hard...

Women are being told to work on these things all the time. It's just that the dialog is going on in places where men don't see it, i.e. on Oprah and in "women's magazines".

P.S., why is it so rarely mentioned that if she's dropped off drastically rather than just tapering and she has no explanation that it might not be mental or emotioanl or medication but that maybe she's having an affair?
'cause BOY that gets mentioned about us guys
I know when both of my exs started cheating they didnt want sex at home

Didn't you have other indications that an affair was going on? I've not been in that situation but I would think that the dynamic would be different.

 

[janus40s]

You know I've never thought of it that way, is that how he most likely takes it?

You would have to ask him. When my wife took that attitude, I felt like it was a step in the right direction but that we still needed to improve the situation. At least she had accepted the fact that I was being honest about my desire for her but she still had not been able to see it in herself.

Well in all honesty I have but not where he could see it, I'd do something similar to it after I'm in another room but to him I smile and tell him thank you and sometimes kisses him for his sweetness.

He may be reading it in your eyes or your body language.

Another way of making yourself feel good might be to allow him to "get to you". When he lusts after you, don't turn away. Watch his eyes and face and let yourself realize that he's probably undressing you in his mind.

Could you please take this further, what do you mean by "get to me" ?

Don't turn away from the lust in his eyes, don't "shelter your feelings" from it. Face it and experience it. Let yourself feel the intensity of what he is feeling.

...I'm sorry for hijacking this thread too, it caught my eye and made me kinda glad I wasn't the only woman going through this.

This wasn't a hijack. What you have been saying is very relevant to the issue of a woman's perception of of her own attractiveness. Some of the men reading your comments will recognize things that their wives are doing and/or feeling.

I felt as though something was wrong with me cuz of it lol.
Now I see that I'm not the only one is this situation.

No, you aren't. This kind of thing goes on with a lot of couples.

 

[janus40s]

...Maybe things haven't changed much, but they have changed some. There's a good possibility that even she doesn't know what's happened, or that she doesn't realize that things have changed ...

Which is why couples have to take responsibility for each other's feelings, not just their own feelings. Many times people are unable to understand their own feelings from the inside and it takes the other one to help them figure it out.

 

[HotAzLady69]

There's a great book I recently read about by a woman therapist that discusses how a lot of this is the WOMAN'S problem, and how the man in her life can only do so much, and that if SHE wants to keep the relationship she should try harder and work to please her man sexually even if she doesn't feel like it, as it will help the relationship overall

Find the book tell me the name I'll check it out how ever I feel that working on a relationships is the guys and the girls job not just one or the other no matter who's having what ever problem.

Seriously, people always put it on the man to work work WORK on this...if the woman has serious issues or is just unwilling, ultimately he will only be more unhappy for working so hard

ummmm have you ONCE seen me post saying he needs to do this or that??
I'm trying to do things to fix my problem but I need my mans support for it and that's why I asked for opinions here not to get flamed or persecuted.

P.S., why is it so rarely mentioned that if she's dropped off drastically rather than just tapering and she has no explanation that it might not be mental or emotioanl or medication but that maybe she's having an affair?

I have been nothing but honest here, mabye you should take another perspective and not be so negative?
Look at the full scope and not be on the defensive.

Either I've missed something or somewhere you misread something.
I've not had any kind of affair on my man and I haven't seen any other posts stating that either.

 

[Alyx]

Just my .02 on this topic.

As a woman with a “low” sex drive I can say with complete honesty that I’m as frustrated by it as my husband. I don’t understand where it’s come from, or how to get rid of it. The only thing I can do is work on it, which I am. Unfortunately, it’s not something my husband can help me with, as much as he’d like to. We talk about it often, which can be even more frustrating. How do you explain something to the man you love, when you don’t understand it yourself? It's like trying to explain the color blue to someone who's never seen it.

However, if my husband and I sat down to talk about this issue and he got angry with me? Or threatened to “cut me off”? All hell would break loose. One of my many shortcomings is that I have never responded well to anger or guilt trips. If my husband came at me with “nerf balls”, I’d force-feed him his dick while smiling and whistling Dixie! Does that make me a bitch at times? Definitely. But then, my husband can be a bastard at times, so we’re even.

Only the people directly involved will know how best to deal with their SO’s. My husband knows how I respond, so he never approaches me with anger or guilt trips. He doesn’t fight. Refuses to. And it drives me absolutely crazy! Sometimes a good fight is needed. But the blasted man just walks way saying “When you can act like an adult, we’ll talk”, leaving me to beat the shit out of pillows until I calm down enough to stop shrieking and sputtering. Granted, shrieking and sputtering are NOT the most attractive aspects one can show your mate, but sometimes, it just needs to be done!

As for the body image aspect, I can only give my views on the subject. My body image is just that. MINE! My husband loves my body, which makes me very happy. However, I don’t like it. Nothing he says is going to change my mind.

I don’t happen to like grapefruit. My husband does. No matter how many times he tells me it’s healthy and good for people, I still won’t eat it. Why? It’s a matter of taste.

My personal “taste” doesn’t fit my own body image. So, while my husband loves my body, I don’t. He can complement me, and I’ll thank him and move on. My body image does not affect my dealings with him at all. I’m comfortable enough to walk around naked in front of him. It has NOTHING to do with him in the least. Nor is it the “media”, which seems to get blamed for a lot of things these days. In my teen years, I was too busy with my horses and shows to worry about what was on TV or what magazines had to say about beauty.

The only time the subject of my body image ever came up is when it was mentioned in this thread. While discussing it the other night I told him to kindly remove his ego from my body image, or drop the subject because he can’t change my views for me. That’s something I need to do. And since it doesn’t affect my dealings with him or others, it’s pretty low on my “need to fix” list.

~Alyx~

 

[Bobmi357]

Just my .02 on this topic.

LOL! My wife, she doesn't post enough on LIT, but when she does, her 2 cents can buy the library of congress.

 

[Alyx]

LOL! My wife, she doesn't post enough on LIT, but when she does, her 2 cents can buy the library of congress.

Hey! You calling me windy?! And you, my dearest one, post enough for both of us

 

[Bobmi357]

Hey! You calling me windy?! And you, my dearest one, post enough for both of us

I'm not calling you windy, although there are times when you blow quite well indeed. You said your piece and made your point. Now what do ya say to retiring to the bedroom and working on that libido some more?

 

[Alyx]

I'm not calling you windy, although there are times when you blow quite well indeed. You said your piece and made your point. Now what do ya say to retiring to the bedroom and working on that libido some more?

To be correct about it, no, I don't "blow", I "suck".

Although, now that I look at that sentence, it looks very very wrong! But then, I'm at Lit, so folks will understand what I mean

 

[Bobmi357]

To be correct about it, no, I don't "blow", I "suck".

Although, now that I look at that sentence, it looks very very wrong! But then, I'm at Lit, so folks will understand what I mean

See folks? This is what I mean.... We're COMMUNICATING!!! There she sits, less than 5 feet away, typing furiously her answers into the LIT message base, and here I sit, communicating via computer with my wife. Isn't modern technology marvelous???

ps. Alyx, you didn't answer my question.

 

[Alyx]

See folks? This is what I mean.... We're COMMUNICATING!!! There she sits, less than 5 feet away, typing furiously her answers into the LIT message base, and here I sit, communicating via computer with my wife. Isn't modern technology marvelous???

ps. Alyx, you didn't answer my question.

No, I didn't, did I? Perhaps you should turn off your computer and ask me again?

Technology may be marvelous, but I'll really be impressed when they come up with modem condoms

 

[James G 5]

Either I've missed something or somewhere you misread something.
I've not had any kind of affair on my man and I haven't seen any other posts stating that either.

I was posting in response to ribbo's original query and some of the replies I've seen to him on the thread
I did not read everything here...Are you his spouse? If so, I did not realize that and apologize
My response was more in line with the fact that almost ANY time this topic comes up (and believe me, it comes up a LOT) that everyone always tells the man in the situation to work on it and rarely say anything about the LADY in question needing to work at it too
Takes 2 to tango after all
And the affair comment was again an equality issue, pointing out the doubel standard that when this query is brought up about as male that's one of the first things you hear
As I said, if you're the lady in question from the original post I didn't realize it & this wasn't intended to flame you...my bad for not reading every single post, and I commend you for working on it.

 

[huskie]

LOL! My wife, she doesn't post enough on LIT, but when she does, her 2 cents can buy the library of congress.

Your a lucky guy, Bob. Most wifes like this would NEVER try much less post here or look for help in any way

 

[jeepman6]

Hi all you great Lit people, particularly the women. I need HELP.

I really need to know how to seduce my wife, not only for intimacy on a specific occasion but also to enhance her interest in sex more than once a month if I'm lucky.

We've been married for six years and the sex has never been great, but she swears I'm romantic enough for her so I really have no clue. She has gained a little weight in the past 7 years after being a gorgeously-thin blonde most of her younger years. I know this affects her self image, but I feel helpless b/c my words expressing my honest physical attraction to her meet nothing but a stare and then she rolls her eyes.

She is not a "prude" but she is certainly not very sexually curious, adventurous and definitely not expressive. Furthermore, sex therapy is OFF the table as an option and I've never been successful with motivating her to go to couples' counseling with me. Oh, and she is not worn down by the demands of children as we don't have any.

The above is not meant to be a sob story, just an explanation of the circumstances. Can anyone, particularly women with insight into this, offer any advice?

Thank you!!

It seems to me in reading all the responses on this thread that we've gotten a little off the track from the original question. The man wanted to know how he can seduce his wife and enhance her interest in sex.

A few suggestions are that even though you may be "romantic enough for her" try being even more romantic, things such as flowers sent to work (if she works) take her shopping, romantic dinners that YOU prepare (this ALWAYS works with my wife). Sometimes just an evening at home with a good porn movie does the trick, a nice foot rub is a nice touch also. Pamper her and make her feel loved. You can tell her how beautiful she is all you want but you also need to show her just how much you love her as well. I know in my case my wife just loves it when I fix something thats broken around the house or I build her something that I know she will like such as extra shelving, etc..
Anyway just a few ideas to try.

 

[SexyChele]

Anger serves a very important purpose. It shows her that she has hurt you. More importantly, it shows her that she has an effect on you and that you really care about her and the problem.

Anger only works for some people. If some one becomes angry with me, I walk away, I leave. If I'm in a position where I can't leave, I simply shut down and become totally unresponsive.

This is a carry over from my childhood: the only way my mother felt she could "effectively" communicate was waiting until she was angry. As a child, I would shut down and tune out of her ragings. When I got older, I simply left the situation. If I am with a S/O who engages in this type of "communication," he is not showing me anything but his immaturity in dealing with a situation. I refuse to be a part of it, and will leave him to stew in his own anger.

The important thing to realize is that some people can relate during angry situations. Others of us simply do not. Thankfully, my partner is like me. We can leave anger at the door and talk to one another. We seem to accomplish much more that way.

 

[ReadyOne]

Technology may be marvelous, but I'll really be impressed when they come up with modem condoms

http://us.f1f.yahoofs.com/users/b6457463/bc/Antivirus.jpg?bf4SKd_AthO449I4

 

[Bobmi357]

Your a lucky guy, Bob. Most wifes like this would NEVER try much less post here or look for help in any way

The funny thing is she found lit and showed it to me. Now I'm sitting at 600+ posts and she's puttering along at less than 100.

Native New Yorkers. We LOVE to give our opinions...

I know I'm lucky, I have her.