How do I save things in a relationship that looks like its doomed?

[lovechild27]

Im sorry you both have to deal with this.

She needs time to heal. This has to happen sometimes alone. If you love her...let her do this. She will come around (hopefully) a much happier, healthier individual. Right now, she doesnt sound like she would be able to handel delving deep into your relationship. Let things lie until she gets life under controll.

 

[theshadow]

I met her today.. We had a coffee in her house and she told me that I could not let sleeping dogs lie and that there was no going back.. She also said that all relationships usually end without an answer and that there was nothing left to say..

I reluctantly accepted this and asked for a hug.. she said no... then I asked if I could shake her hand so we could part amicably.. she replied ' You know where the front door is.... '

 

[ClubIrish]

OUCH

 

[theshadow]

Its pretty tragic.. she believes that all relationships are doomed from the start.. A terrible mindset to be in and one that would take years to get out of.. no matter how much caring, patience you have.. you cant help people in that situation..

 

[lovechild27]

wow...im sorry! Just know not all women will do you like that!

 

[theshadow]

I know.. but a worse thing happened..

She sent me a text message late last nite telling me that she was uncomfortable and feared for her safety as due to the fact that I turned up at her door in the afternoon unannounced.. She let me in and we had a coffee!!!

So I foned her and asked what the problem was and she told me that I have became a dangerous obsessive person, a stalker, someone who is not entirely sane, a lonley little boy etc etc.. really really nasty stuff.. I did phone her a lot but we did chat and I was only looking for answers to help mend a broken heart..

So people.. take this as a valuable lesson... some people who go through bad things in relationships can be scarred so much they are evil beyond belief...

 

[infamousfobb]

theshadow, read this

This is my first time posting, but I thought that I should after reading your story. OK, this is going to be long. I feel bad that you have to go through this, it must be tough. But seriously, it wasn't going to work out. I've had two friends who tried to get into a relationship with girls who had an abusive past, whether it be with their father or with former boyfriends. It didn't work out for either one of my friends, no matter how much they tried to make it work. It's just basically that these women, just like yours, are used to being shown affection a certain way, whether it be verbal abuse or physical. She's just used to being treated that way. But here you come along, the nice guy that you are, treat her like a queen, better than she's ever been treated most likely. But thing is man, she's scared. She's scared that you will one day turn into the other men in her life, so instead of risking what she believes could happen, she would rather not ever take the chance with you, and think of you in a nice way. You know how some people would rather do the same thing every day, then take a risk because they're afraid of the outcome? Well, this is it. She'd rather be with guys who she knows will treat her like crap, coming into those relationships with that mindset that "this guy is an asshole", instead of falling for you, because she's always going to fear in the back of her mind that you'll turn on her. She fears that because she knows that if you turned on her, it would be greater than any pain or hurt that she's ever experienced before. It's better in her mind not to find out. I think she loves you, from what you wrote, it seems like she does. She loves you, but she isn't ready, or maybe never will be ready, to be with you. You just have to deal with that and go on with your life. I can't speak through personal experiences, because I've been lucky enough to find someone who loves me as much as I love them, maybe even more. But I am telling you through things I've seen with friends, and talking with them. Thing is, you said it's going to take you a long time before you start dating...why? You know you treated her well, you know you're a good guy, and you KNOW that there are girls out there who will treat you right. As far as I can see, you didn't push the issue with her, but she sure was pushing you away from her. Who knows? Maybe in six months, a year, two, three years later you two will meet again. Maybe then she'll have her life together and will be ready to take a "risk". But you can't depend on that, or keep that hope that she will come back, or that you guys will be together, because before you know it, your life just passed you by. My point is this: in a relationship, if two people place great value on it, they'll work hard to make the relationship work, whether it's working through differences, or making a personal sacrifice so to make the other person happy. Lasting relationships will always have lots of moments of joy, but it will also come with moments of pain and hurt. But two people working together can overcome anything. But that's the thing, it takes TWO people. You're just one person, one person who tried his best to make the relationship work. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to do the work that it takes two people to do. Be happy about the type of person that you are, and take comfort in knowing that there are women out there who would appreciate being with someone like you. But to find them, you just have to move on, no matter how much it hurts, just move on. Go on with your life, keep treating the ladies right, and one day, you'll really find "the one". Take care.