How do I save things in a relationship that looks like its doomed?

[theshadow]

Hello everyone, I have posted a few times over the last few months asking for advice about how to deal with some problems in my relationship with my girl...

I fell deeply in love with a girl who was in a terribly abusive relationship ( both physical and mentally) for a few years and she tried to take her life.. Thank God she survived and she became a very sensitive fragile person.. Then I came along, we met and fell in love.. She would tell me that she wanted to be with me forever etc etc and I was convinced that she was 'the one ' ..

This happiness went on for 4 months until she was hurt physically by her father and within a day she decided to end things with me for no reason. She had doubts about me and every male in her life had hurt her bad in some way.. So I was discarded due to this..

We ended up doing the friends thing, really deep shit and we also did things that friends dont do.. i.e .. sleep with each other, phone sex, etc etc.. There was always mixed signals and I kept pushing and pushing to get things out in the open.. Then the worst happened..

We went out for a drink one nite and we got really drunk.. and in front of my eyes a guy came over, chatted her up and she went home with him.. The guy punched me as I shouted after them as he was trying to spike her drink with a drug of some kind.. her behavior was erratic.. and due to the emotional shit I ended up in hospital for a few hours due to shock..

As we were not officially an item, and after some arguements, I forgave her and we became close friends again.. Then the mixed signals started again... Anytime I confronted her about them I was told that she didnt love me or fancy me anymore.. This is bullshit cos people have said that when we are together they can see the chemistry between us.. So I kept pushing again as I was an emotional wreck inside.. It didnt work so we decided to take a time out.. no contact whatsover for a month.. I contacted her after the month was up and she told me that in 6 months time she is going to travel the world ' to get away from everything '

Now thats probably the end of things between us, but there are so many unanswered questions... Was my pushing the issue to blame or is she one mixed up girl and should I just continue to be there for her?.. Im sorry if this message is long but Im going out of my mind.. It took me 24 years to find a girl that im devoted to and now it looks like shes going... she is THAT special...

 

[Guest]

First of all, let me start by saying I am sorry that both you and her are in so much pain. Saddly, I feel there isn't much any of us, or you for that matter, can do to salvage a relationship here. I'm sure it hurts you to see this woman in so much pain, but it is something she has to go through herself. She has to face her demons, and if she wants to come to you for help she has to do it herself. There's no doubt in my mind that your persistance pushed her away some. I've been this kind of woman. I've suffered from depression since my pre-teen years at least. I've pushed away the people I loved the most, and often times let the ones I shouldn't in closer when I was vulnerable. I know it's a cliche, and it hurts, but sometimes the saying..."If you love something, set it free. If it dosn't come back, it was never meant to be."...is quite true. I wish you, and her, well in life. Only time can tell if you two are meant to be together...but for right now you have two options, and I know both will hurt. One is to wait for her. Wait for her to come to you, to open up to you, to admit to herself she needs you. The other is to let her go and put it all in the past.

 

[lilpriss]

Honey, it sounds to me like the girl needs to learn to love herself and find out what she wants. If she's been abused like you said, she's very very fragile and your pushing the issues with her can't be a help at all. If she wants to travel the world... Good for her!She's moving in the right direction. What you need to do is let her go. She'll be back. And if it's meant to be it will. Don't force the issue with her, it sounds like things have been forced on this girl a lot.

While she's gone, go out with other girls, see what else is out htere. You're young. Too young to be worried about whether this chick (who, to be honest, sounds like she's appreciative of your friendship, but that's about it) is "the one". She may realize you're the one for her when you aren't available anymore. I'd be willing ot bet money on it.

You say she's leaving within six months? Well, no better time than the present to start dating anyone and everyone you can. When something is easy you're automatically suspicious. if you aren't you should be. What do we all want? What we can't have. So, I know it's going to sound cruel but you HAVE to move on and the sooner the better. Because I guarantee if you aren't available she'll be missing you pretty bad. And her European (or whatever) vacation will be put on the back burner.

Good luck my friend, you'll need it if she's "the one" indeed.
Abuse is a difficult thing to deal with no matter where it is you're involved.

 

[SXCRgirl]

theshadow,

I don't think there is anything you could have done to save this relationship. First of all, it was doomed from the start with her and her mixed signals. You can't really have a relationship with someone who doesn't know what she wants to begin with. With the history of abuse, I don't think she could have known what she wanted and she's going down that destructive path. It seems that's all she knows. No matter what you could have done, you still would have ended up here.

Let her go. Let her figure it out for herself. There is nothing you can do to make her well again. That responsibility is hers and hers alone. With the way you feel about her, I doubt if you can be just her friend because friends don't sleep together. Sex clouds the mind my friend.

Walk away now and give yourself some space. Take care of you now. Whatever exposure you had from her has obviously affected you in a negative way. If she is indeed the ONE, she will find her way back to you and things would work out fine.

I met my soulmate when I turned 30. Yet, he and I are not together today. He too, is in the middle of a shit storm, but it's not up to me anymore to save him. God knows I tried, but all that did was hurt me in the process. I have a space for him in my heart and it will always be there. But, I've learned to move on from it and live life. It's too short to live it in misery.

Good luck.

 

[theshadow]

I think the hard part is the fact that I have done nothing wrong, I devoted myself to her and told her that i loved her every day.. Im very much a romantic person and a good listener, I was there whenever she needed me.. It seems that women will always prefer the bad boy...

 

[horny_giraffe]

You are young, but you have such an old soul. This is truly an epic for the ages...

 

[theshadow]

Should i take that as a compliment ? LOL

 

[horny_giraffe]

All the world loves an optimist.

 

[theshadow]

Well thats something I have always been regardless of the situation

 

[as332]

I hate to use the old saying,... but if you love something, let them go free, if they don't come back it wasn't meant to be...

Corney I know, but in this instance, strangely prophetic

 

[theshadow]

Thats true...

If it is all over, I can at least look back and say to myself that I never did anything wrong, I gave my 100% to the relationship..

One thing is for sure, It will take a LONG time before I could consider starting again with someone else, it will take longer to trust and fall for someone again...

 

[Guest]

I think the hard part is the fact that I have done nothing wrong, I devoted myself to her and told her that i loved her every day.. Im very much a romantic person and a good listener, I was there whenever she needed me.. It seems that women will always prefer the bad boy...

I know it's hard. It's hard for her, too. I know, I've been that woman. It's possible that she's in a stage where she doesn't even know she's hurting you. And, it's possible that she's in a stage where she does know, and she's aware of how badly she's hurting, and she doesn't know what to do.

As I stated once, I pushed away the people I loved more, and I allowed the ones I shouldn't in closer. In a sense the comment "It seems that women will always prefer the bad boy" is true, but I don't think women like us do it on purpose. Many women (I'm sure men can have/do this too) fall into a pattern in life. If she was abused (be it physically or sexually) as a child, in adulthood she'll find herself flocking to the same kind of men. And, not because she "likes" the abuse, but because it is what she knows. No matter how bad her life gets, it is still an odd comfort to her and it's what she learned.

For me, my "pattern" seemed to be divorced men 7 to 15 years older than me with children. (My current Fiance broke that mold with being 3 years older than me, no ex wife, no kids.) I wasn't beaten by lovers or anything, but I still had a set pattern that wasn't healthy for me as a 19 to 22 year old.

 

[dreamer]

I won't bore anyone with my past 'war-wounds' but trust me in the long run you have to start looking for a healthy situation to be in. No matter how much we love someone if they aren't ready or capable of being loved like that it will never work. Not until THEY are ready to do the things necessary to make it work.

I get the impression she isn't able ot willing to do that. And you want to save her...damn, I know how that feels (I've got a touch too much of White Knight in me too)

Mourn this, deal with this hurt...and concentrate on YOU. Then when you are ready again find someone who can be a positive influence on your life to love. Relationships that work have two people who improve the others life. Not just one.

I wish you nothing but the best...this time hurts; I know.

 

[theshadow]

Thanks for all the replies, they really have helped!!

I think everyone who goes through this shit thinks that they are the only one in the world that has been going through it, and I admit sometimes it felt that way for me..

Your words and advice have been comforting and helpful

 

[Native Alien]

you might also want to read Gil_T's thread about helping someone get over being abused...

we have been posting to this very issue there.

 

[theshadow]

I have just had a look..

 

[theshadow]

wishful thinking??

It came to my attention last nite through a mutal friend that she was asking people how i was or if they had heard from me recently.. This may be wishful thinking but does she still have feelings for me by asking people about me?

 

[Guest]

It's best to not get your hopes up. You know how things have been between the two of you so far. Take things slowly. If she is willing, talk to her...about everything on your mind, etc.

Good luck to you.

 

[theshadow]

When we talk.. we go around in circles.. she tells me that she doesnt fancy me.. then she asks me why I love her and ' why would I love a bitch?? '

Strange..

 

[Lust Engine]

There's no explaining love at times. You fall madly & deeply for no apparent reason. You tried your best at the time. She couldn't accept it nor did she really want to. It's not your job to rescue her... you genuinely tried and although it might've pushed her away, your heart is still noble in the effort. No shame in that.

 

[Phil333]

I know it hurts to hear it, but Lit members generally have good advice. A week ago I posted about this girl I was crazy over. We had this amazing "friend date" and then I asked her out. She said no, even though she felt something but because she was new to the college, etc etc. Then she did a 180, going from several hours a night talking to zilch. I confronted her after a week or so and she told me straight out she finds it awkward talking to me now. Lit members were right on about letting her go. I don't know how this is relevant, just ranting.

Anyway, women are women. She is more complicated but you have to let her have time to figure things out. You won't get over her right away, but try going out, meeting new people etc. Even if its just seeing your friends more often. She definitly needs time. You might realize that the other fish in the sea are more worthy of your time.

 

[theshadow]

The advice from everyone who has responded has been superb.. and I thank you all

Time will tell.. it always does..

 

[Guest]

she tells me that she doesnt fancy me.. then she asks me why I love her and ' why would I love a bitch?? '

I live that almost daily. I love my Man dearly, but I always tell Him I don't deserve Him...

 

[theshadow]

I think the ' she doesnt fancy me' is a lie because she has said that a few times to me then we end up doing things...

 

[Lust Engine]

I live that almost daily. I love my Man dearly, but I always tell Him I don't deserve Him...

Just WHY don't you deserve him? Is this that famous self esteem issue that so many women deal with? You must be doing something right...he's sticking around this long.