How do I ?or How did You?

[PurpleOrchid]

emotional wreck here, trying to get a grip on my life again.
looking for advise on how to cope and wash that man right outa my hair.
I recently ended a 10 month long extra marital affair, with a man from my past, ........
i'd love to hear from anyone that has expirenced this...
It might be helpful to pinch me in the right direction, or give me a giggle to see i am not the only fool... do tell please!

 

[warrior queen]

oh no!
you admitted to having an affair!
you do realise, that even though this is supposed to be an open and frank porn board, you are going to get flamed for admitting that, don't you?

not by me, though.
been there, done that, have all the scars to prove it.

there's no easy way to get over the emotional upheaval that having an affair causes, and the recovery (if that's the right term?) is different for everyone, depending on their cicumstances and how honest they are with the people in their lives who may have been affected.

you have to decide for yourself if ending it was the right thing for you, and how much effort you want to put into reconstructing your existing relationship with your partner.

once you've worked that out, then it's time to concentrate on fixing those issues that lured you away and into an affair in the first place.

good luck

 

[sheath]

oh no!
you admitted to having an affair!
you do realise, that even though this is supposed to be an open and frank porn board, you are going to get flamed for admitting that, don't you?

That was my first thought, too. *sigh*

On to the question...

The simple answer is: time. Only time will heal the wound. Allow yourself time to grieve. Don't push yourself to get over him too quickly, or you will simply push the emotion back to come out with a vengeance later. Whatever it is you feel, just let it happen.

Surround yourself with a support system of friends who don't judge you. And don't let anyone berate you for your choices. They are YOUR choices. And you feel the same pain anyone else does. There will be those who will say 'I told you so' and those who will try to make less of your pain because of the nature of the relationship from which it came. Do NOT let them. You are entitled to feel those tears, regardless of the reasons for them.

Take care of you. That's the most important part.

S.

 

[PurpleOrchid]

Thanks WQ
Odd to see what slips out of us so easy (the wrd Affair)
If it was purely physical , i think it would be easier.
Thanks for the insight .. ..I'll look deep

 

[Vixandra]

Unfortunatly, I'm one of those that consider a vow to be a serious thing. But I'm going to do my best not to flame you and try to give some helpful advice.
That said, if your man's (or woman) is willing to take you back and forgive you, thank your lucky stars. Somebody loves you a whole lot.

Focus on why you're choosing to stay with your spouse. The good things that come from the two of you being together.
And take all reminders of the other man and torch them. Yeah, big bonfire type thing (within your local fire regulations of course)- okay, maybe a BBQ pit or a fire place, but you get the picture.
Burning what's left of him symbolically may help you release him emotionally.

More then that, I'm not sure. Haven't been there or done that, so I don't have much insight into such a situation.

 

[warrior queen]

in many ways, i am still having an affair - in almost every way except physical.

the person who i had an affair with during my first marriage, has recently entered my life again, and even though i am with my partner, i simply cannot stop thinking, wishing and dreaming about him.

my heart was given to him so long ago, but circumstances in our lives have always been such that we never really had a chance to 'be' together.

we talk, we laugh, we 'get' eachother on so many levels (and if i am forced to admit it, the sex with him has always been the standard i hold everyone else up to, and sadly, fail to find).

if i were a believer in past lives, he would have been there, because even without being face-to-face, he knows me, as i do him.

he and i communicate in ways that i have never been able to with my partner.

*sigh*

at 36, i have only recently begun to question why i have not achieved the emotional fulfilment that i seem to lack, and i have only now begun to accept that i will have to make certain radical changes in order to give myself the best chance of completeness.
that may well sound selfish to many people who read this, but at the end of the day, life is just too short to spend it only 1/2 happy.

i wanted to put this down here to let you know that you are not alone in having an affair, nor are there any simple ways to end one once you've started it.
and depending on just exactly what you as an individual are looking for, the outcome and repurcussions of having an affair might just be the complete opposite to what you might have expected.

given the chance (without complications) i would go to my 'affair' in a heartbeat.

 

[SlvrTongueDevil]

at 36, i have only recently begun to question why i have not achieved the emotional fulfilment that i seem to lack, and i have only now begun to accept that i will have to make certain radical changes in order to give myself the best chance of completeness.

WQ, I'm past 36 ... feel that I have the emotional fulfillment that I need. However, to use a cliche, it's a journey, not a destination. It requires constant work, just when you think you have it "just right" life changes and it's time to get it "just right" again. Or you change, along with your emotional needs, and you have to readjust yourself.

Not that any of that will help, but wanted to pontificate a little, I guess.

 

[warrior queen]

WQ, I'm past 36 ... feel that I have the emotional fulfillment that I need. However, to use a cliche, it's a journey, not a destination. It requires constant work, just when you think you have it "just right" life changes and it's time to get it "just right" again. Or you change, along with your emotional needs, and you have to readjust yourself.

Not that any of that will help, but wanted to pontificate a little, I guess.

actually, i understand that totally.

the unfortunate fact is, that both people in any relationship have to be willing to take the journey together, with any changes and adjustments that might need to be made.

and my current partner gave up doing that quite some time ago.

only lately (the last couple of weeks) has he been sort-of half-heartedly attempting to 'grow'.... and i'm afraid that's too little, too late for me.

one cannot undo years of indifference.
i've grown away from him in ways i never expected, and i am no longer willing to simply accept that as my lot in life.

but.
and here's the kicker -
we have children, he has a mental illness, he has a tumour, and we have almost 12 years of no major conflicts (add to that, we are still the best of friends).
he is completely aware of the fact that my feelings have changed to this extent, but not aware of the fact that there is another person hovering on the periphery.

it is going to take me some time to sort out all of my affairs and issues before i can even think of walking away.

 

[PurpleOrchid]

I too considered a vow to be a serious thing, Vix
17 yrs M , 38 yrsold and thinking everything was fullfilling me,SlvrT
YUP.....Then life changed.
From my past and quite like with you WQ. soo much in common with what you spoke.
thanks for all the input, ladies , really helped
xxxooo

 

[Myopic One]

actually, i understand that totally.

the unfortunate fact is, that both people in any relationship have to be willing to take the journey together, with any changes and adjustments that might need to be made.

and my current partner gave up doing that quite some time ago.

only lately (the last couple of weeks) has he been sort-of half-heartedly attempting to 'grow'.... and i'm afraid that's too little, too late for me.

one cannot undo years of indifference.
i've grown away from him in ways i never expected, and i am no longer willing to simply accept that as my lot in life.

but.
and here's the kicker -
we have children, he has a mental illness, he has a tumour, and we have almost 12 years of no major conflicts (add to that, we are still the best of friends).
he is completely aware of the fact that my feelings have changed to this extent, but not aware of the fact that there is another person hovering on the periphery.

it is going to take me some time to sort out all of my affairs and issues before i can even think of walking away.

You admit that you had given your heart to someone else before you married, but you married anyway. You took wedding vows, but you've had affairs. You'd leave your marriage for another person "in a heartbeat."

Did you ever stop to consider that your husband's indifference may have been due to realizing that he does not have your heart? That the indifference was his only way of protecting what was left of his?

I don't know the details of your life, but judging from what you've revealed here and your statement that "life is too short to spend it only 1/2 happy," yes, it does sound incredibly selfish.

 

[Beloved]

You admit that you had given your heart to someone else before you married, but you married anyway. You took wedding vows, but you've had affairs. You'd leave your marriage for another person "in a heartbeat."

Did you ever stop to consider that your husband's indifference may have been due to realizing that he does not have your heart? That the indifference was his only way of protecting what was left of his?

I don't know the details of your life, but judging from what you've revealed here and your statement that "life is too short to spend it only 1/2 happy," yes, it does sound incredibly selfish.

MyopicOne, you've just made the point in WQ's first post brilliantly! Even though we're supposedly an open sexual community here frank discussion of extra marital sex seems to draw out the pitchforks and torches.

WQ~ When we are young we tend to lead with our hearts. I know that was my case. We haven't been hurt and jaded enough then to cover our asses the way we do when we're older and that tends to allow us to open up and reveal ourselves to people in ways we don't when we get older. I met a man- well he's a man now, he was a boy really then- when I was a young woman that I was able to do just that with. I connected with him and opened myself to him in ways I have never opened myself up to another man since. This includes sadly my husband. You see by the time I met, loved, and married him, I'd been hurt enough times to keep parts of myself closed off. At any rate, this man from my past, he probably knows me better then any other person in the world. He GETS me, as you would say. He is the relationship by which I judge all my others because he was the one who set the standard for them.We sparked and burned briefly, but much like you circumstances in our lives kept us from ever having a long relationship other then friendship. When I'm with him- which isn't so much anymore- I feel that connection so keenly and there have been times when it has made me question my own choices, but with time I've come to understand that part of the reason I feel so close to him isn't because he was the " one" I was truly meant to be with but because he knows me in ways I haven't allowed anyone to since. I hope that made some kind of sense in regards to your dilemma.

Purple Orchid~

I haven't ever had an affair, but I think the grieving process must be just like ending any long term relationship. If you cared for someone, married or single, recovering from the end of the relationship is going to take time. Like Sheath said, let yourself grieve and let it take it's own time. You'll come through it in the end. Best of Luck.

 

[midwestyankee]

MyopicOne, you've just made the point in WQ's first post brilliantly! Even though we're supposedly an open sexual community here frank discussion of extra marital sex seems to draw out the pitchforks and torches.

WQ~ When we are young we tend to lead with our hearts. I know that was my case. We haven't been hurt and jaded enough then to cover our asses the way we do when we're older and that tends to allow us to open up and reveal ourselves to people in ways we don't when we get older. I met a man- well he's a man now, he was a boy really then- when I was a young woman that I was able to do just that with. I connected with him and opened myself to him in ways I have never opened myself up to another man since. This includes sadly my husband. You see by the time I met, loved, and married him, I'd been hurt enough times to keep parts of myself closed off. At any rate, this man from my past, he probably knows me better then any other person in the world. He GETS me, as you would say. He is the relationship by which I judge all my others because he was the one who set the standard for them.We sparked and burned briefly, but much like you circumstances in our lives kept us from ever having a long relationship other then friendship. When I'm with him- which isn't so much anymore- I feel that connection so keenly and there have been times when it has made me question my own choices, but with time I've come to understand that part of the reason I feel so close to him isn't because he was the " one" I was truly meant to be with but because he knows me in ways I haven't allowed anyone to since. I hope that made some kind of sense in regards to your dilemma.

Purple Orchid~

I haven't ever had an affair, but I think the grieving process must be just like ending any long term relationship. If you cared for someone, married or single, recovering from the end of the relationship is going to take time. Like Sheath said, let yourself grieve and let it take it's own time. You'll come through it in the end. Best of Luck.

This was one of the most articulate and fairest-minded posts I have read in this forum in a long time.

Purple Orchid, live by these words. Let your grief happen, or it will come back to haunt you as Sheath said. Find your friends - though this may be a smaller number than you once thought - and let them help you bear your burden.

Time and friends and reflection are your assets now.

 

[Missingmeds]

You admit that you had given your heart to someone else before you married, but you married anyway. You took wedding vows, but you've had affairs. You'd leave your marriage for another person "in a heartbeat."

Did you ever stop to consider that your husband's indifference may have been due to realizing that he does not have your heart? That the indifference was his only way of protecting what was left of his?

I don't know the details of your life, but judging from what you've revealed here and your statement that "life is too short to spend it only 1/2 happy," yes, it does sound incredibly selfish.

For 15 years I struggled, didn't have a affair, deal with crap that noone should ever have to of any sex. One day it was just enough and I put his ass out of my home and my life. Did it take time to get over it? Yes, and time is the only cure.

Did he want the marriage to work? No. Was he willing to put the effort in required to repair the damage that he did? No.

So why did he ask me to marry him? Because he didn't want to be alone and he was trying to hid who and what he was from the world. Was he indifferent? You bet. Did it matter to him that I was in pain and did he offer any type of support? Not on his life.

Life is to short to spend any part of it unhappy. When he knew that I was ending the marriage, I got the same thing. He was suddenly trying to grow. It was way to late on his part.

So if you are thinking of an affair or ending one, pray do think on this one thing.

Is your life going to be better without the other person? Mine is and I like my life now. For all the complaining that I do about a lack of sexual partners, it was far worse for me when I was married.

 

[sheath]

I don't know the details of your life, but judging from what you've revealed here and your statement that "life is too short to spend it only 1/2 happy," yes, it does sound incredibly selfish.

There are often circumstances that keep us from living the life we want to live. And circumstances that keep us from having the person we truly want to have. Seems to me the warrior queen was just doing what she had to do to move on and attempt to make a life for herself. Seems to me she made the best of what she was given.

Yes, life IS too short to spend it 1/2 happy. That isn't selfish. That is a fact. It takes one hell of a lot of courage to do what you have to do to find that true happiness, and stepping out of what you thought for so long was the 'right' thing is scary as hell. But it is worth it.

warrior queen...I hope you do find that happiness with that man you love so much.

S.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yes, life IS too short to spend it 1/2 happy. That isn't selfish. That is a fact. It takes one hell of a lot of courage to do what you have to do to find that true happiness, and stepping out of what you thought for so long was the 'right' thing is scary as hell. But it is worth it.

warrior queen...I hope you do find that happiness with that man you love so much.

S.

There is much wisdom in these words, people.

Listen well.

 

[warrior queen]

You admit that you had given your heart to someone else before you married, but you married anyway. You took wedding vows, but you've had affairs. You'd leave your marriage for another person "in a heartbeat."

Did you ever stop to consider that your husband's indifference may have been due to realizing that he does not have your heart? That the indifference was his only way of protecting what was left of his?

I don't know the details of your life, but judging from what you've revealed here and your statement that "life is too short to spend it only 1/2 happy," yes, it does sound incredibly selfish.

no, you are quite right - you don't know the details of my life.

and obviously, you have not read my posts in their entirety before jumping right on in there and making assumptions about me.

i respect your right to have a differing opinion, but please - don't foist your own narrow-mindedness and erroneous assumptions on those of us who are discussing a topic that you might not agree with.

if you have something constructive to add to this thread - by all means, do so.
but if not, then take yourself out of this particular topic.

 

[warrior queen]

<snip> but with time I've come to understand that part of the reason I feel so close to him isn't because he was the " one" I was truly meant to be with</snip>

trouble is, we both really feel we were meant to be together.
it makes no difference how much distance or time there is between us - we both feel exactly the same way.

and there's another thing.....
after i finally left my first husband, this person was >< this close to asking me to stay.... but he thought he'd give me some space to 'find myself' and didn't ask.
i was waiting for him to ask me - but still too young and unsure of myself to ask him instead.

*sigh* sometimes maturity comes just that little bit too late, and by then, life has already interfered.

 

[warrior queen]

There are often circumstances that keep us from living the life we want to live. And circumstances that keep us from having the person we truly want to have. Seems to me the warrior queen was just doing what she had to do to move on and attempt to make a life for herself. Seems to me she made the best of what she was given.

Yes, life IS too short to spend it 1/2 happy. That isn't selfish. That is a fact. It takes one hell of a lot of courage to do what you have to do to find that true happiness, and stepping out of what you thought for so long was the 'right' thing is scary as hell. But it is worth it.

warrior queen...I hope you do find that happiness with that man you love so much.

S.

have i told you lately what an unbelievably special person you are?

thankyou for seeing deeper than the average person, and for your non-judgemental way of accepting others for who they really are.

 

[PurpleOrchid]

"thankyou for seeing deeper than the average person, and for your non-judgemental way of accepting others for who they really are."



And I thank both Sheath & WQ

I have been reading up on all your posts and i see 2 fantasticly grounded & sincere women...Ab-Fab!

 

[sheath]

have i told you lately what an unbelievably special person you are?

thankyou for seeing deeper than the average person, and for your non-judgemental way of accepting others for who they really are.

Thank you, dear.

S.

 

[sheath]

"thankyou for seeing deeper than the average person, and for your non-judgemental way of accepting others for who they really are."



And I thank both Sheath & WQ

I have been reading up on all your posts and i see 2 fantasticly grounded & sincere women...Ab-Fab!

warrior queen's advice has pulled me through more than once. She's a fantastic woman.

S.

 

[Beloved]

This was one of the most articulate and fairest-minded posts I have read in this forum in a long time.

Thank You.

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank You.

Beloved, I'm just an umpire here. I call 'em like I see 'em.

 

[Beloved]

Beloved, I'm just an umpire here. I call 'em like I see 'em.

Does this mean I now have to take back all those awful things I've said about umps over the past few years?

Seriously though, Thanks.

 

[Angel_Diva]

Time will heal all.... and mabye meeting someone else. Thats my advice to you.