How do I learn to trust again?

[jpred75]

Learning to trust and learning to forgive...

You mentioned that you question whether you should have spoken to MM earlier since you knew he had a problem. The question I would ask is, would he have listened and sought help that early on?

Sometimes the first step of learning to trust again is keep your eyes in front of you rather than looking behind. Its okay to hurt and it's okay to remember, for that's the only way we can take what has happened in our lives and learn from it.

 

[sheath]

Re: Learning to trust and learning to forgive...

You mentioned that you question whether you should have spoken to MM earlier since you knew he had a problem. The question I would ask is, would he have listened and sought help that early on?

Would he have listened? I honestly don't know...

Sometimes the first step of learning to trust again is keep your eyes in front of you rather than looking behind. Its okay to hurt and it's okay to remember, for that's the only way we can take what has happened in our lives and learn from it.

Thank you for reminding me of that when I forget. Which is a little too often, I know. *sigh*

S.

 

[jpred75]

Re: Re: Learning to trust and learning to forgive...

Thank you for reminding me of that when I forget. Which is a little too often, I know. *sigh*

S. [/B][/QUOTE]


Tis my job to remind you, my Queen Plus I kind of like where you eyes are focused when they are ahead of you.

And don't worry about stumbling along the path of healing. I know I along with all your other friends here will help you up when you fall.

- J

 

[Noor]

Sheath,

Please don't feel that you didn't protect your children, you had no way of knowing, besides these things are life and while you can minimise the impact of the world on them you can't wrap them in cotton balls (cottonwool).
People go away for all sorts of reasons, he did not go away because of them or something they did, the emotional he and they share was and is real and that is what important.

Noor

 

[sheath]

Sheath,

Please don't feel that you didn't protect your children, you had no way of knowing, besides these things are life and while you can minimise the impact of the world on them you can't wrap them in cotton balls (cottonwool).
People go away for all sorts of reasons, he did not go away because of them or something they did, the emotional he and they share was and is real and that is what important.

Noor

Thank you, Noor. I try not to think about it too much, because that is the part that hurts the most, most of the time. When they ask me about him and wonder how he is or why he left, I can give them answers, but the answers never seem to be enough.

I know I can't protect them from everything. But I really wish I could have protected them from this.

S.

 

[jpred75]

I know I can't protect them from everything. But I really wish I could have protected them from this.

S.

Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. It's impossible to protect them from every emotional scar that will come their way. On the flip side it's probably okay for them to understand that people go away, if it is for no reason. That's just how the modern world works and by the looks of it it will only continue to get worse as the years go on. When my ex left, my children were really young but that doesn't stop the questions.. and the simple "She went away, and that's okay," goes a long ways.

- J

 

[CelticFrog]

You know, I've never seen you be anything less than honest with your children...

Matter of fact, I know how hard it is for you to be anything less than COMPLETELY honest at all times.

So as for the munchkins, they can't have anything better than the Mom that loves them and still tells them the truth no matter how hurtful it can be sometimes. They know he didn't leave because they've done something wrong. They know that even though he HAD to leave, you won't leave them. They know that their Dad is still around and loves them too. So they are secure. They are loved. And there's not much else they need right now, because I know they're happy.

Ang

 

[James G 5]

Time darlin'
Time & a chance to rebuild YOURSELF
You know you have friends here to help, too

 

[sheath]

Time darlin'
Time & a chance to rebuild YOURSELF
You know you have friends here to help, too

I have great friends to help. Including you.

Thanks for the advice about my kids. It makes me feel good to know I can still be honest with them, no matter how much it hurts. I think when they are older, they will respect that and maybe feel the same way about telling their children what they need to tell them.

It hurts...but it helps to know someone out there thinks I'm doing the right things by them. That reassurance is priceless.

S.

 

[Noor]

It hurts...but it helps to know someone out there thinks I'm doing the right things by them. That reassurance is priceless.

S.

we don't just "think" we KNOW!

Noor

 

[sheath]

we don't just "think" we KNOW!

Noor

See what I mean? Reassurance is priceless!



S.

 

[CelticFrog]

we don't just "think" we KNOW!

Noor

She's right, you know.

I never think.


Ang

 

[Mskey]

So many words of wisdom posted here that I feel silly adding my .02 but I will anyway.

Time- as down as you may feel and as much as you may want the pain to end, don't rush your recovery. Allow yourself the time to grieve until there is nothing left to grieve and then when the pain has truly washed itself away let yourself try again.

Patience and Hope- I lump these together because without hope that you can learn to love and laugh and trust and dream again you will never possess the patience to make it through the grief and pain you have to let pass thru you and over you.

Now I will tell you- as I said on the other thread- MM could only come to terms with his emotional avalanche when he wasready and in his own way. You could have made it the focus of your relationship but it would have only made him run. It wasn't your fault for not being supportive enough or for not pushing the issue. It wasn't your fault for choosing to be with a person who you knew had problems- hell hun we all have our own demons and if we walked away from everyone with a " problem" we'd be mighty lonely.- you chose to see the good in MM and I can promise you that for that he is most likely very grateful. I know it must be hard for you and your kids, but your honesty is the best way to handle it. In the end they will benefit more from the forthright honesty and compassion of their mother then they could have from the presence of MM;at least in my opinion.

Keep your chin up hun. I know it seems like the road is endless sometimes but you WILL come thru the journey in the end and you will be better for it.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Hmm... trust huh? Oh... I got it... Shock Therapy... lots and lots of shock therapy. Seriously though... trust is a tricky thing... trust me I know. Ya just gotta built it really really slow... like a card house, or legos... preferably legos... harder to fall apart you know. Yup definitely legos. Now if my loving wife will stop playing the part of human spell checker.


Leave my kindergarden like grammar alone lovey buns.

 

[sheath]

I never think.


Ang

Man oh man, I could run with that one.

S.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

That would be like running with scissors babe, besides she's begging you to walk slowly, and as for her not thinking... look at who she married... I mean jeez.

 

[sheath]

So many words of wisdom posted here that I feel silly adding my .02 but I will anyway.

Time- as down as you may feel and as much as you may want the pain to end, don't rush your recovery. Allow yourself the time to grieve until there is nothing left to grieve and then when the pain has truly washed itself away let yourself try again.

Patience and Hope- I lump these together because without hope that you can learn to love and laugh and trust and dream again you will never possess the patience to make it through the grief and pain you have to let pass thru you and over you.

Now I will tell you- as I said on the other thread- MM could only come to terms with his emotional avalanche when he wasready and in his own way. You could have made it the focus of your relationship but it would have only made him run. It wasn't your fault for not being supportive enough or for not pushing the issue. It wasn't your fault for choosing to be with a person who you knew had problems- hell hun we all have our own demons and if we walked away from everyone with a " problem" we'd be mighty lonely.- you chose to see the good in MM and I can promise you that for that he is most likely very grateful. I know it must be hard for you and your kids, but your honesty is the best way to handle it. In the end they will benefit more from the forthright honesty and compassion of their mother then they could have from the presence of MM;at least in my opinion.

Keep your chin up hun. I know it seems like the road is endless sometimes but you WILL come thru the journey in the end and you will be better for it.

Thank you for that. I needed to hear every single word of it.

It does seem like the road is endless. Sometimes I feel like I am back at square one. Grief seems to go on forever.

Patience and hope...I'm holding onto that.

S.

 

[sheath]

That would be like running with scissors babe, besides she's begging you to walk slowly, and as for her not thinking... look at who she married... I mean jeez.

LOL

You both always make me smile.

And seriously...the Legos thing? I really, really like that idea. Actually, I might buy a set. Just to see how far I get down that road every single day.

S.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

COOL!!! But get the cool Ninja ones... Or the Pirate ones and mix em, cause the pirate ones come with monkeys... Thus... Ninja Monkeys.

Come on... you know I hadda find a way to get Ninja Monkeys in here.


J

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Not to be rude...but I've been suggesting Legos to you for about 6 months now...*grumble*



No one ever listens to me....not now, not ever...

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Q.) Why should Sheath listen to the talking monkey (ABN_Ranger)?

A.)She likes me.
B.)Chicks dig the Tab.
C.)I got her a hat.
D.)Airplane.
E.)Did I mention it's a really cool hat?
F.)And a deck of cards.
G.) I promised not to mention the word butter while she's here.
H.)Seriously... The hat kicks ass.
I.)I'm kinda like that Idiot friend everyone has, Ya just gotta listen to them once in a while.
J.)It's even a combat proven hat.

 

[watergirl]

Sheath, darlin, I was thinking about you this morning - sometimes learning to trust again happens so gradually you don't even know notice that you're able to trust until - boom - you are.

I have a flannel shirt I bought last winter, it's blue and off white, small checked pattern.. When I bought it last winter, I couldn't button it. Today I put it on for the first time in ages, and it actually hangs on me. Hangs. I can take the center of the shirt, where it buttons up, and cross each side over my chest to my shoulders. And I was just chuckling a little bit to myself, and had a doofy smile. I knew I'd lost weight, I knew the numbers - but somehow, one flannel shirt really made me go - woah. I am smaller than I was. Lots.

And how does this relate to trust.... it sneaks up on you. You may be sort of aware that you're starting to feel better, and there will be probably be rebounds and relapses.. I know I had them - I'd think I was over my ex, start to have feelings for someone new - and then when things didn't work out, it would send me back into my funk about the ex as well as being bummed about the new guy. No fun, and beware of it - you'll get through this.

It won't be overnight, but somewhere down the road, tiny things happen to make you really stop and see how far you've come - just smile and be proud of yourself as they come.

 

[CelticFrog]

And here I thought *I* had cool analogies.
Nice one, watergirl.

Ang

 

[watergirl]

Ang, you have the best analogies! I wasn't even sure mine made since, but it did when I posted it, and that's all I can ever say about anything... I meant it when I said it, I'm a chick, sometimes, we change our minds...

*hugs*

 

[CelticFrog]

I don't know about my analogies. They scare me sometimes. I mean, really. Arthritis medication = romance?

Seriously, though... sheath, I was thinking today.

By trying to help other people as much as you do, you're not always taking as much time as you need for yourself. More and more everyday, I realize you need the vacation that's coming to you. You need to be able to distance yourself from all the caretaking you do (I know it's hard. You KNOW I know it's hard.) and take a vacation from the life that's been haunting you lately. This vacation will give you time to enjoy yourself again... it will give you a chance to refresh your writing and take a deep breath again. It's time to spend a week just having FUN. Laughing every other minute.

You need it. Or everytime you get to feeling like you'll be able to let down your guard and trust again, you'll run across a schmuck that tries to monopolize you and eventually starts to borderline stalk you. You don't need that. Reset your standards. Give yourself a break. And bug someone for those plane tickets.

Ang