How do I learn to trust again?

[sheath]

Hello, everybody.

I'm not sure how to ask this, so it will be rambling...since I warned you, you can't hold it against me!

Most of the 'regulars' know exactly why I am posting this, but I'll go ahead and give a little background for those who have no idea why I'm asking...

For almost two years, I was with a wonderful man. Our relationship was great, up until this autumn, when everything began to fall apart. It was one hell of a lot of issues he had, rolled up into one big ticking bomb...and when that bomb finally went off, it decimated our relationship. It's all detailed in the "What the hell is up with my man" thread here on the how-to board. Anyway...

My question is this. I really believed everything was fine with me and my man, and then our life fell apart...literally, within the span of weeks. I went from perfect contentment and perfect trust to being confused, heartbroken, and lost. There were reasons, which I didn't understand at the time. Now I do understand what happened between us, but that doesn't shake this fear I feel.

I can feel almost ready to trust again. I know there will come a time, very soon, when I will be willing and eager to do that. But I don't know how the hell to do it!

So I guess this is for those of you who have been there...who have been in a relationship you thought was rock-solid, where nothing could go wrong...and then it did. Maybe it was a bombshell he/she dropped when they came home one day. Maybe it was an affair. Maybe it was a simple "I don't love you anymore" when you thought everything was fine. You probably know the kind of shock I'm talking about. The stunned, I can't move/think/breathe/survive kind of shock. Then the inability to believe it is all happening while you watch that person you loved so much walk out the door...the feeling of being abandoned.

After something like that...how did you trust again?

How long did it take to let someone in?

Did you ever, ever find complete trust again...or was your heart too bruised to ever let go completely?

Thanks in advance.

S.

 

[SummerMorning]

Time...time they say heals...

...alas, my reply will also ramble a bit. I had a dream, a dream of sweet illusion (to allude to Queen a bit).

I broke up with the girl of my (then) dreams a year and a half ago. But we couldn't let go and get over each other...it was painful. Excruciatingly. It left me empty. However, we still hoped to remain friends. It didn't work, she started seeing a guy I'd introduced her to (who'd also been very very sure of himself when he'd warned me that "men should stay away from women like her") and I never saw her again. Or heard from her. Hmm...she didn't write for this New Year either.

I had another gf. I left her, because the daemons on my shoulders wouldn't be still. Every thing I did, they second-guessed. Everytime I said "I love you", they said "Ahh...but do you mean it?" In the end, neither of us could take it anymore. And we broke up. And I couldn't feel anything...just a vague sadness, that I had heart a lovely, kind and beautiful girl like that (fortunately she's in a happy relationship now and we get along well).

Since then I've been...hmm...quite cold. I feel a fondness, sometimes I even like a girl, but I haven't had what you'd call a meaningful relationship. I'm not proud of it, but I've also done my bit of walking out since. My bit of abandoning. It rings on the conscience. When you erase another New Year's wish, when you don't answer another phone call. It's painful. And emptying.

I haven't found complete trust. I haven't found strong emotions. Things are calm, I'm calm - but I know I couldn't handle a relationship now. I've had to admit that to myself - somewhat late, perhaps, for the girls I've left along the way.

It's...grim occasionally. You get hurt and then you hurt. Leaves a person with things they wish they hadn't done. Leaves a person confused. And empty.

Good thing friends don't walk out like that.

 

[Bobmi357]

Sheath, you're generalizing. The experience with one individual should not cloud the desire to be with another. I know its easier said than done.

But if there is one lesson I have learned, its that life can be pretty hard, and if you want to find that someone special, you need to be willing to make yourself vunerable.

Despite all thats happened to you, I am certain MusicMan didn't start off his relationship with you by saying "Lets ride her for oh 2 years or so, then dump her confused and bewildered". I would say its fairly certain that MM probably has pain that mirrors your own, and probably is now facing the same issues of being willing to trust again.

A loving relationship means making ones self vunerable to being hurt. Love leaves you vunerable. The opinion of your love means the world to you, and if it doesn't, then you're not in love. It means you have to trust that person not to say something or do something that will hurt you. It isn't built overnight, but then niether is love for most people either.

Find a friend, build a friendship, thats the big first step in building love. Take that friend and yourself to a new level by bringing sex into the equation, and never forget he is your friend. Thats as important as being your lover. My wife is my bestest (deliberate mispelling here) friend in the whole wide world. She's also my lover, sometimes my nurse when I feel bad, someone I can play with and love with. I trust her implicitly and would trust her with my life. But those feelings don't really happen overnight. Suddenly one day you wake up realizing that this person has become the center of your universe. Its like a thunderbolt on a clear cloudless day. It just happens and when it does, it fills you with a kind of awe.

So don't go out into the dating scene with the expectation to find that special somone. Instead go out looking for someone to be your friend. Someone you can talk to, and will want to talk to you. If Mother Nature wills it, love will find you when you least expect it.

This sort of reminds me of the couples that try for years to have kids and when they finally give up and start looking at adopting, suddenly she becomes pregnant. The difference is that all those years, sex had a goal, making her pregnant, and once sex no longer had a goal, was no longer a duty to perform, Mother Nature stepped in and did her schtick.

I don't know you personally Sheath, but you seem to be a loving, caring person, someone that many men would love to meet and make friends with. So make some friends, love....and trust will come later.

 

[fgarvb1]

Well, yeah...time.

Trust is a conscious decision on your part in this case and should be based on the actions of your next SO.

Relationships after a certain point is a crap shoot anyway.

Knowing this going into one is a help.

 

[BlueSugar]

Its been a year or so since it happened. We're not dating, and we barely talk due to being scared. But we are talking, we do get together but go to neutral ground.

We did try just hopping back in where we were ... it brought up too much of the good and the bad, and I cryed till my head hurt.

We've both tried to move on, but the relationships do not last too long ... we miss each other, or we end up compairing the people we meet to each other.

Sadly, its just time.

When you can kiss him, when you can go to a restaurant you both liked, when you can sit in each others arms in each others houses in the places you've made love... and only feel joy ... then you're ready...

well, thats when I know I'll be ready....

just my 2c

 

[midwestyankee]

About two years ago my wife and I went through a very difficult patch, primarily evident in lousy sex, but also in a very cool atmosphere. While she has always been somewhat distant, this period was much cooler than ever before.

Whenever I tried to talk about improving the sex (she had stopped having orgasms) she kept insisting it was all her fault and that I had nothing to do with it. I believed her and worked hard to find ways to help. None worked.

After nearly a year of this she finally revealed that the problem had everything to do with something she had started to believe about me, but which was quite untrue. So she had spent a year lying to me, keeping something of profound impact on our family hidden for her own selfish reasons. She, it appeared, had lost trust in me. And in the instant of being told, I lost trust in her.

She had incontrovertible proof that her suspicions of me, which were dire indeed, were untrue. So she regained her trust in me rather quickly. I, on the other hand, had a much more difficult task. Frankly, I have not completely recovered.

My father told me that the best way to get a friend was first to be one. So I have made continual efforts to see evidence of her trust in me, which I have tried to reciprocate. It hasn't been easy and it looks like it will still take some time, but I think it's working.

In the end, I think trust is organic. If you feed it, it will grow. If you starve it...

 

[morninggirl5]

Sheath,

I haven't read your whole thread but it sounds like the problem is right now you don't trust yourself. You believed everything was okay and in reality it was falling apart. It takes time to rebuild your trust in your own perceptions and feelings. You may already be looking back, searching for all the things you "should have" seen.

Hindsight is 20/20 but we tend to forget that when we're hurt and searching for answers. You have to forgive yourself for being human and consciously decide to trust your own intuition and feelings again. Once you do that, it's usually pretty easy to trust someone else.

How long does it take? It took me over 12 years to get to that point, but then i'm pretty stubborn.

mg

 

[sheath]

Thank you for all the advice.

Now that I sit here and read this, I think morninggirl5 hit the nail on the head. I think it is hard to trust myself. I keep wondering why the hell I didn't see the pain coming...why in the world I missed the signs that were there, but that I dismissed as being something else. And yes, I am doing the 'looking back' thing and finding little things I didn't see at the time.

Hindsight is 20/20, and hindsight is also a cruel bitch in the middle of the night when I have nothing else to do but think. *sigh*

Trusting in myself again is harder than hell to do. I wonder if I will ever get to the point of not second guessing the simplest things. I don't want to carry that burden with me, but I'm not sure how to just let go and get over the questions that now surround everything. Even when someone is completely and totally honest with me, I still have that little voice knocking in the corner of my mind, saying..."ummm...are you sure...?"

I don't know how to shake that.

S.

 

[Noor]

Sheath,

trusting someone else and trusting yourself are separate things. I think given your situation you did the best you could on what you had to go on.

Trust is a big thing with me, I trust myself to look for clues but I know I can never trust anyone completely exactly. I learned when I was 20 that love isn't enough especially against mental illness and you can't really choose who you love, some people are just it for you. You can only decide whether you want to continue on the journey with them.

You just have to go in with your eyes open, and do not completely lose yourself in another person. You are ready when it suddenly feels right. The past is behind you but also the future rarely holds miracles, and at times you may be forced back into the past, past feelings and that to me is normal, part of growing. All you really can decide or do with love is to play it out with someone or not.

This past year I had an experience that was devasting, threw me back into the past in many ways. I asked my therapist why didn't I see it? and we came to the conclusion that until it happened there was nothing to see, not clue I could have found, and unfortunately that is the way life is, unknown. The good stuff as well as the bad is that way.

You can only make yourself as strong as possible again, and try to let new people into your life. The only way to completely be safe is to trust no one ever.

How long does it take?, it depends on the people involved and the situation. For me, there is another man I trust, but our journeys are not the same and may never be the same but I know I can trust at least him, so I am hopeful for others.

I am trying to find a way to trust the one I was devasted by. I think that is important too, resolving what you can of the past, forgiving, though is it extremely hard to do.

It would be so much easier if the world was divided between good guys and bad guys, and you could just write off someone you cared about as a bad person, but unfortunately many people find themselves in situations where they are both.

hope this helps and was clear, I think I have the dreaded flu.

also I should point out that people do not always know the truth themselves and what they present as the truth could be the truth as they know then but not be the truth later and there is really nothing you can do to protect yourself from that although we all would like to think so.

 

[Noor]

sorry hit quote instead of edit

 

[VSE]

Hindsight is 20/20, and hindsight is also a cruel bitch in the middle of the night when I have nothing else to do but think. *sigh*

The first trick is learning to deal with that. I've been deliberately single for 5 years. Partly through my own experience and partly through those I've shared with others. Eventually I just, for want of a better word, imploded.

The old cliche is certainly correct, I've learnt, very much the hard way that there is no harder person on you than yourself, the trick I've found is to turn all that critique into something to motivate yourself, sooner or later you have to listen to the rest of the world that is trying to tell you that actually you're a pretty good person that people like talking to, meeting, going out with and so on.

Sometimes you just have to ignore your demons, take a deep breath and prove to yourself just how wrong they are, and they are wrong.

As for trusting other people, I'll let you know on that

 

[themonkeyfarmer]

Sheath,

I sympathise totally. I'm just recently 18, but last year I had the worst break up. Ok, your's might have been a bit worse...

Any way, basically we had been together for about 6 months, which is quite a while at my age, as I'm sure you are all aware. She was in the school year above me, and we had different friends, but managed to see eachother every day. So for, I had been able to avoid her friends antagonism for 'stealing her away from them'. But one thing I hadn't planned on were the school holidays. I had heard from a mate that they were bound to screw things up, but we had got through the first one. But that was only 3 weeks, this was two months...

The next time I see the first, and only, girl that I have ever been in love with was at the school lunch table. Here's how our conversation went:

"Hi Sarah! God I've missed you so much! How are you?"

"You're so immature!"

"What?" (At this point, all her friends are looking like vultures circling)

"We always have arguments and you act like such a baby!"

"Hi to you too."

"See, you're doing it right there!"

"Oh, ok, so it's not you, it's me. Is that it?" (Imagine, if you will, the feeling of having a cigarette fired out of a rifle directly at your heart: it burns, and hurts like a bitch. As everyone knows...)

"God you're so immature!" (I think she had said that one already, but I will forgive her due to the passion she is so obviously feeling.)

"Well, Sarah, the's what happens when you go out with someone younger than you." At which point I stood, and left, going over to a group of my friends to chat. Despite my glib replies to her accusations, I now felt, to put it bluntly, like shit. I loved this girl, and she was shouting me down in fornt of the whole goddamn school. I thought she loved me back. Guess not...

Later I found out from her sister, who happens to be one of my best friends, that she told people she had broken up with me two weeks before term restarted. Thanks for telling me. So much for eternal love...

The point of this story is that a few months later, I had just started to let myself have those kind of feelings again. I was going out with a really nice, intelligent and hot girl, and had just about fallen in love with her properly, and I told her so. After parting from her, I walked past a church, and said to God "Nice one mate."

The next day, she broke up with me.

Sorry for the length, but what I'm trying to say is that shit happens. Just when you get over it, it happens again. I haven't had a proper relationship since, haven't even fancied a girl since. Not that I'm going gay, I'm on this site, aren't I? But I don't think that after taking so much crap that anyone could come out unscathed. You've just got to let yourself back into the game slowly, take things as they come (as it were), and trust your instinct insted of second guessing. Asking a lot eh?

 

[SummerMorning]

Mmm...monkey, don't worry - you're young still, and the only reason we go to high school is to get some nice, pleasant neurotic baggage to carry around with us .

Yeah, all. It is trusting yourself that is important. I can't trust myself not to mess up another girl. The demons are just too loud and sound too much like me - someday I'm going to have to cut them open and see what makes them tick, but that kind of soul-searching...ack. Horrible for middle-of-the-night moments.

Demon, demon on the wall,
Tell me, is she the fairest of them all?
Demon, demon on the wall,
Tell me, are these feelings true at all?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Sheath - I'm so sorry. That sucks bad. I had a man tell me we were going to get married - then out of the blue he said he just didn't want to. Then he DID marry someone else a few months later. ouch......... The only good thing was looking back - he WAS right - marrying him would have been a mistake.

It took 3 years to get over that one. 2 years celebate! yipes! But that which doesn't kill us..........

I don't think I'll ever have that trust again. I have a wonderful relationship right now - but it is definately on my terms. If he wanted 'more' of me I would say no. But who knows what the future holds. Hang in there darlin'.......

 

[SexyChele]

Sheath, what is your rush? It hasn't even been 6 months yet. I mean this with all kindness, but I've been there and made the most tragic of mistakes at that time in my life. The wise thing would have been to simply step back and not worry. But I didn't. Okay. The long story. (Sorry! But maybe you can find something in this ramble!)

When I was 21 I met a man who was 33. I don't think either of us ever thought we would have a long term relationship, but I ended up at 28 still dating him. The path was not always smooth: we both had an infidelity here and there, there were disappointments on both sides, even an aborted pregnancy. We faced his alcoholism together and when he wanted to get sober, I was the one who was there for him and helped him through. Then, one Thursday night, the phone rang. He told me he didn't think it would be a good idea for me to call him anymore. I asked why. He stated he had met some one through AA and she was moving in the next morning! No, I never had a clue!

I went into a state of complete shock. I felt numb - I remembered I couldn't even cry. I didn't eat. I just wanted to stay in bed. If it hadn't been for 2 very good friends at the time who dragged me out of bed each morning, I probably would have lost my job, let alone everything else.

After 2 weeks, the numbness began to wear off. The sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach began to creep in. Then the phone rang again. Turned out to be a mutual (male) friend of ours. He had heard the news of the breakup, and - wonder of wonders! - the woman who had moved in with my now ex was his ex. Twisted, eh? Yeah, I know. He invited me over to his house. One thing lead to another. No, we didn't have a "relationship," but he was my crutch. As the song goes: I used him and he used me. It was the only time in my life I'd ever had just a "fuck buddy." I didn't give a rat's behind what he did when I wasn't around, or with who. He made me feel attractive and desirable and sexy and worthwhile. I didn't question him and he didn't question me. He listened when I wanted to vent and sound off and kept his mouth shut.

Then came the ultimate mistake. 3 months after the breakup I met a man I had dated in my late teens. He was married with 2 kids and bored with his relationship. He called and asked me to coffee to "catch up." I agreed to meet him. Next thing I know I'm in a full blown affair and my "love life" (if anyone could have called it that!) went spiraling out of control. Somehow I managed to put up with that "relationship" for 3 years. I believed every word of the "she doesn't understand me", "I am really working on getting a divorce", "you're the one I really love" bullshit. After 3 years, it finally dawned on me that this joker was full of shit and I wasn't far behind. I broke it off - which was the smartest thing I had done up to that point!

I felt devastated and lost. I was 32 years old and had been in losing relationships since I was 21. My friends were all married, living happily with children, and I couldn't seem to get my act together. So, I did want any reasonable woman would do (and yes, this is heavily laced with just a bit of sarcasm!), I blamed all my troubles on men and the fact that I simply sucked at picking them. I told myself I was probably destined to be single, and with the choices I was making, it might be better off for all involved.

I went into a self-imposed exile from men and relationships for over 6 years. Yup. No dating. No kissing. No sex. Nothin'. I almost forgot was an orgasm was. Then, when I was 38, a mutual friend told me about this guy he knew. He lived a ways away, but was moving to where I was soon. We started writing. I wasn't too crazy about him, but he sort of grew on me, I guess. He moved out here and we started dating, almost as if because our friends expected it. We had lots of conversations, and it didn't take me long to figure out this guy was still carrying the torch for an old flame. He denied it, but admitted he wasn't ready for a relationship. We broke up once, got back together, and finally decided we were better off as friends. He is still a good friend of mine.

But I do owe him the idea that he re-kindled that need to connect with another person. To have that some one in my life to turn to, to talk to, to share with. But where? And how? I'd been out of the dating thing for so long?

I tried the internet thing, and that seemed a bust. Every man I met had issues. Granted, I had them as well, but I think mine are over-comeable! At the beginning of 2002, I gave up on the internet - what was the use? Meeting one loser after another, wasting time and energy? Blah!

Then in Feb 2003, I received an email from an internet service I'd forgotten to disinvolve myself with. It was from a man who had contacted me in 2002 and who I had emailed a couple of times, but who I had dropped because I was dropping out of the internet thing. I felt bad as I had never explained why I had cut him off, so I agreed to meet him for lunch.

We have been together ever since. Do I trust him? Yes, and more so than I have in any other relationship. Why? His honesty. He has been married before and experienced a few bad relationships as well. He needs to find out if I am trustworthy as well, so he doesn't (as far as I can tell) hold back much information. We've talked about our demons. We've talked about what we have both done right and wrong in relationships. We acknowledge that neither of us were the saints in past relationships, and it's okay. I know at times he tests me, and it's okay. (His ex was a very jealous woman who became irrate when he talk to or about the women he works with, so he makes a point of telling me his conversations with them to see if I have the same reaction. He even watched my reaction when I met these women at his company Christmas party and how I reacted when a couple of them gave him a hug. I do believe I passed.)

My trust in this man did not develop overnight. It has taken months to get it this far. And there are still times when, if he doesn't call, I get that little voice saying, "Why? Is there some one else?" But much to his credit, he makes certain to call me the next day and let me know why he didn't get a chance to call. I don't have to ask or nag. He does this almost as if he is reading my mind, and that makes me feel better. It helps to dispel those "trust busters" quite well.

Can one suffer devastating loss and learn to trust again? Yes, most assuredly. But my advice? Whatever you do, don't rush it. Don't run into an even worse situation simply because of loneliness. Take time. Heal. Yes, there will be nights when you don't think you can stand another minute of an empty bed. You will look at couples and wish them ill luck. You'll want to tell all of your happily involved friends to go to the devil. Once you've reached your low, you will be able to begin to rebuild Sheath. You will not be able to trust again unless and until you are able to heal and fix yourself.

You will probably always have questions. There may always be those little "what ifs". But now you can re-evaluate what you've been through and use that knowledge to move forward. You will do it, Sheath. And I wish you nothing but success on your journey.

 

[CelticFrog]

Schmookums....

All of this advice is good.

Allow me to make an evil analogy here...


Breaking up and learning to trust again is kind of like... a car accident.

You get knocked around, bruised and battered, but not seriously injured (deal with me here). While you're crawling out of the rubble, you manage to cut yourself on the wreckage even though you've shed no blood during the calamity itself.

Later, you reflect on the calamity and wonder, "Why didn't I see that coming? Where were the warning signs? I should have been paying better attention!" Whether or not you were the driving force, you blame yourself.

So then comes your lack of trust. Do you get back in the car? Do you even bother to try your hand at sitting in the driver's seat? Do you drive through that intersection ever again without wincing? Will you ever own the same kind of car? Will your insurance company remind you of this oopsy for the rest of your natural life?

The answers will eventually come to their own questions, but it is all a game of time and more gambles. You fix the car or buy a new one. You run errands. You get the stitches taken out. You're a little more careful for a while. You don't drive so fast, pay more attention to the road and the rain, and become obsessive about roadsigns. Slowly, you become comfortable again and relax, allowing yourself to let someone else pay attention to the road for a bit.

That is when you know you trust again.

And yes, sheath, I know I'm a bitch.


Ang

 

[warrior queen]

sheath,

i find it incredibly sad that you have such an enormous amount of self-doubt because of the actions of someone else!
why are you taking all the ownership of this?
the lack of trust you say you have in yourself was caused by the actions of someone else!
why should you doubt yourself because of something someone else did that at the end of the day, you had no control over???

and why are you equating your worth as an individual, to a breakup that, at the end of the day, you couldn't prevent????

you are NOT responsible for the thoughts and actions of other people.
and there is no way YOU could have predicted that this was going to be the end-game.

so why are you beating your inner self up about it?
YOU are still the same loving, caring, nurturing and intuitive person you were BEFORE this happened...... albeit with a ton of hurt to wade through.
but the pain of the separation should not translate into the loss of confidence within yourself - you KNOW deep within yourself that you are a worthwhile person.

oh, and to answer your question about trust?

trust is not something you have to learn to do ....... trust is something that others' have to earn from you.
it's not something you can analyse and 'make' happen - it's something that happens when the situation is right, and it happens despite us.

i hope you end up finding peace within yourself.

 

[NaiveOne]

I think there is a vital thing that needs to happen before a person who has been hurt to be able to trust again...

Forgiveness.

Forgiving him for causing so much pain in your life. For turning it upside down. For making you cry and doubt your self worth. For all the dipappointments.

Forgiving yourself for being afraid. For not seeing it coming. For not being able to fix the relationship. For letting it affect our lives do much.

I think that if we our lives without forgiving the people who hurt us, it ends up hurting us more. We carry around this hatred or dislike in our hearts...but that means there is less room for love to live there.

And I think it is even harder to forgive ourselves. But it has to be done! Let the past be the past, and the future be bright.

When we hang on to hurt, we will naturally not be able to trust because there is that constant, evident reminder of being hurt.

Forgive and let it go. Don't harbor it.

S, I don't know if this applies to you or helps you take any steps towards trusting again, but it helps me know I am at peace. I'm not saying that life is going to be happy and perfect, but at least you can learn from the situation knowing you are at peace.

I not worried about you, sheath. You seem like an amazing woman. Very caring and loving. In time I know you will find the ability to trust, to love, and to live life to the fullest. I see you as someone who would rather love than to not love out of fear.

Also, Bobmi357 is very wise. I would re-read his post till you memorize it!

Sincerely,
NaiveOne

 

[lilpriss]

On the topic of trust,

a guy said to me once... (he was 22, I... 18)

"I don't trust anyone until they earn it"

I thought he was a dreadfully dark soul!

But at 30, it makes perfect sense. The only people you can truly trust would be your parents (and not everyone is fortunate enough to have even that).

Not telling you NOT to trust... just take it slow. It will build and you'll look up one day and realize that you can trust... those that deserve it.

<<<hugs>>>

I'm a bit cynical... been to the school of hard knocks... but under the hard shell, I'm pretty fucking soft. Just don't tell everyone!

 

[handlebars69]

Hello, everybody.

I'm not sure how to ask this, so it will be rambling...since I warned you, you can't hold it against me!

Most of the 'regulars' know exactly why I am posting this, but I'll go ahead and give a little background for those who have no idea why I'm asking...

For almost two years, I was with a wonderful man. Our relationship was great, up until this autumn, when everything began to fall apart. It was one hell of a lot of issues he had, rolled up into one big ticking bomb...and when that bomb finally went off, it decimated our relationship. It's all detailed in the "What the hell is up with my man" thread here on the how-to board. Anyway...

My question is this. I really believed everything was fine with me and my man, and then our life fell apart...literally, within the span of weeks. I went from perfect contentment and perfect trust to being confused, heartbroken, and lost. There were reasons, which I didn't understand at the time. Now I do understand what happened between us, but that doesn't shake this fear I feel.

I can feel almost ready to trust again. I know there will come a time, very soon, when I will be willing and eager to do that. But I don't know how the hell to do it!

So I guess this is for those of you who have been there...who have been in a relationship you thought was rock-solid, where nothing could go wrong...and then it did. Maybe it was a bombshell he/she dropped when they came home one day. Maybe it was an affair. Maybe it was a simple "I don't love you anymore" when you thought everything was fine. You probably know the kind of shock I'm talking about. The stunned, I can't move/think/breathe/survive kind of shock. Then the inability to believe it is all happening while you watch that person you loved so much walk out the door...the feeling of being abandoned.

After something like that...how did you trust again?

How long did it take to let someone in?

Did you ever, ever find complete trust again...or was your heart too bruised to ever let go completely?

Thanks in advance.

S.

ive just recently gone through something like that, i didnt feel like i could trust anyone, but then the right man came along, and BAM im starting to trust people again, especially him, thats all it took for me

 

[sheath]

Wow...so many posts! Thank you all for responding.

I'll write a longer post later, when I have more time and can respond to everyone.

I just wanted to say 'thank you' right now...you've given me a lot to think about.

Whew, my next post is going to be a Loooong one, lol.

S.

 

[Leda]

I have been reading these boards for a while now and although I dont normally post at all I just wanted to sympathise with you sheath. My relationship fell apart about the same time as yours did and seeing how u have managed to pull yurself through has helped me.

I had an internet relationship with someone for about a year up unitl a few months ago. We met a few times and I really loved him, and still do in a way, and i believed he loved me. I saw a future for us, a difficult one because of different countires but I wanted to make it work because I loved him so much. Well he didnt feel the same way and one day he just said its over out of nowhere, no real explanation and even though I asked to talk to him properly he never called me. Having a year long relastionship end in just 5 lines was so painful.

I have had a hard few months , but i have finally found a job after 6 months of looking and I am thinking of buying my own place and I am feeling happy, I even managed new years eve without getting depressed. But I am having the same fears as u , how can I trust someone so much again if they are just going to throw it back in my face without even caring and make my world just fall apart

I just wanted to say thanx to the ppl who replied to this thread because they are touching more ppl than they know. I hope I can find someone to trust again and I hope you do too as well Sheath

 

[watergirl]

This is all really good stuff to help anyone - Sheath, thank you for sharing your worries & thanks everyone for the advice... as I already told you on your "wtf w/ my man" thread - it means a lot to me... and I might mention to my guy friend next time I see him, that thinking about trusting himself is as important as trusting all of us women... Because he still holds a lot back, even as a friend. He's getting better, but slowly slowly...

I'm really amazed and I admire you so much for how you're dealing with everything - and you still keep on being a super-mom - *bows down & bangs head on floor a couple of time for good measure*

*hugs*

 

[intrigued]

Sheath,

You are an amazing woman! You draw nothing but good and positive to you, and every single time I read a thread you are involved in, I walk away deeply touched, and this thread is no different.
I needed this advice probably as much as you do, and I thank all of you for sharing your wisdom.
I just want to let you know I support you, and sincerely hope you find a little peace. Go slow, take tiny little baby steps, and most importantly, give yourself a chance to truly heal. Maybe its not yet the best time to take on anything right now? Please, just love and embrace and take care of yourself. You are such a go getter, I truly understand your need to have all your ducks in a row and pick yourself up, dust off, and get on with it, but lady, you know it isn't that simple.
You know you're strong, you're lovable and a you're a damn fine woman...you'll get through this, and you will love and trust again. Just slow down and take a little more time for you, for living, for discovering yet again, or maybe even for the first time, whatever it is that will bring you joy. Its time for healing and nurturing and loving "Miss Sheath", just as she is.

I wish you the very best.

 

[sheath]

Thank you for all the replies!

I know there is no way I can cover all of it in one post, so there will be several from me, as time allows.

I guess I should start by saying I'm not rushing into anything at this point. I know I still need time to heal. I tend to look at the future and anticipate the stumbling blocks. Usually I just let things happen and ride with it, but if I can see something clearly as being a problem in the future, I like to get a game plan together, so to speak. I know I'm going to run into serious trust problems. That's why I'm asking this question now...gearing up for the future, that's a good way to put it.

It is very, very hard for me to trust myself. I've realized that since I started this thread, and especially since warrior queen put her post out there with the same blunt honesty I have always liked about her. (Thank you, by the way!) Why do I let myself take responsibility for something that I had absolutely no control over? I have no idea. The counselor tells me it is the remnants of emotional abuse, and that that abuse goes deeper than I think it does. I'm sure she's right. Wading out of that swamp the Music Man pulled me into is going to be harder than I ever anticipated.

My mind tells me I am not to blame for the way our relationship fell apart. Everything logical tells me that. But all the logic in the world doesn't tell my heart that, and my heart is what needs to believe it. I don't know why I can't get to that point, but I do feel a myself getting a little closer to it every day. I guess I just want time to move faster. Childish, maybe, but I can't help it.

Forgiveness. Ah, what a strong word. Forgiving him came easily, especially because I know what happened to him was something he couldn't really control. A whole lifetime of repressed problems came out as an avalanche, and he could not have stopped that from happening. So...I know he did not intend to hurt me. Therefore, forgiveness is given quite easily.

Forgiving myself for not seeing it coming is harder. I knew he had problems he had not dealt with. I wonder why I didn't see the signs that were there. I wonder, if I cared so much, why didn't I talk to him about things that bothered him? Did I give him enough support? He would say yes, I did. But it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

And there are things I can't begin to articulate...the way I feel when I look at my children, for one. They absolutely idolized that man. They thought he hung the moon. And now they don't understand why he is gone. As a mother? That is the hardest part for me to forgive myself for. They didn't deserve to lose that stability in their life, and though I didn't see it coming, it feels like that doesn't matter. I am their mother and it was my job to protect them. I feel as though I failed in that. All the logic in the world doesn't stop that pain when I see them cry.

I'm sure I will write more very soon...this is all I can really write at this point and still be somewhat clear.

But I do want to say thank you...especially for all the kind words of hope. It amazes me to log on here and see a new post that is filled with so much kindness...the support I have found on this board, from all of you, is astounding! I am SO grateful for that. I simply cannot tell you how much of a help you have all been...every single one of you.

So...again, thank you.

S.