I'm not completely sure exactly what i'm going to write as I sit here, but I feel the need to express something about my personal life, in an effort to understand it. I have been browsing lit for a long time, but this morning I decided to register and share some of my experiences, the warmth and genuine honesty of some of the people i've noticed posting here has made this decision a lot easier than it might previously have been for me.
I'm now twenty years of age, and full time philosophy student. When I was fourteen, I met my first serious partner. I was to have a long term internet relationship that lasted four years and culminated for me in some bad experiences. I used to sit and talk to this person for hours upon hours, she was a year older, and living in (of all places) Australia. I fell in love with her and my whole being was directed towards the day when we would eventually meet each other.
When the day finally came, I'd known no other women, been in no other serious relationships. I became even more focused on the relationship at the age of 16 when my father left home to be in a long term relationship with a woman he also met over the internet. They are now married and my mother is now remarried, and all of them seem happy.
We met when I was 18, and I was in love, real young love, the kind i'd always imagined. We spent one month together, and when she left to return to Australia, I begged her not to, but she did and it broke me. She promised me she would return, and worked hard so she'd be able to afford to do so, our lives together were planned out for when she could return.
After she left, I went to university. To me this was a completely new experience, i'd never really had to look after myself before, and it came as a shock, I attempted to deal with it, but throughout the pain of her not being with me was torture, I began drinking heavily. Not just ordinary student style drinking, drinking spirits in the mornings and then all day sometimes, until everything was just a blur. I still talked to my girlfriend over the phone most days, but as soon as my life changed in such a drastic way, I changed too. I wanted different things from life, I questioned everything. Personally I could never have gone back to who I was, it was so far removed from the real world.
It led me to believe that the person that i'd fallen in love with wasn't who I thought she was. All I had for years was text like this. We could convey emotion, but I felt like I understood everything that was said not from her point of view, but my own. Something I believe is both a great benifit and a great vice of the internet. I believe I loved her, I believe in the chemicals rushing through my head, but we had no substance to speak of, nothing to back up all our fine words. To me love is about so much more than that. Actually being able to show that you love someone is so hard when you cant meet them, speak to them, see them.
I couldn't do it. I feel terribly guilty because of that. I wonder if i'll always regret what might have been had I accepted it instead of running away from it. We now hardly ever speak, we've both moved on with our lives.
This post was originally much longer, but I deleted most of it in fear. I am now in a new relationship with someone I truely love and care about, something we've both worked hard to build, and I value it, but it will never feel the same.
I appologise if this reads terriblely badly, much of what I wanted to say has been lost due to excessive deleting, but since this is my first post, I dont want to rush.
All comments, ideas, thoughts and experiences are welcome. I appolgoise once again for any spelling errors or gramatical mistakes, i've recently been suffering from insomnia, which is why i'm still awake and writing at 6am.
Thank you for your time.
I'm now twenty years of age, and full time philosophy student. When I was fourteen, I met my first serious partner. I was to have a long term internet relationship that lasted four years and culminated for me in some bad experiences. I used to sit and talk to this person for hours upon hours, she was a year older, and living in (of all places) Australia. I fell in love with her and my whole being was directed towards the day when we would eventually meet each other.
When the day finally came, I'd known no other women, been in no other serious relationships. I became even more focused on the relationship at the age of 16 when my father left home to be in a long term relationship with a woman he also met over the internet. They are now married and my mother is now remarried, and all of them seem happy.
We met when I was 18, and I was in love, real young love, the kind i'd always imagined. We spent one month together, and when she left to return to Australia, I begged her not to, but she did and it broke me. She promised me she would return, and worked hard so she'd be able to afford to do so, our lives together were planned out for when she could return.
After she left, I went to university. To me this was a completely new experience, i'd never really had to look after myself before, and it came as a shock, I attempted to deal with it, but throughout the pain of her not being with me was torture, I began drinking heavily. Not just ordinary student style drinking, drinking spirits in the mornings and then all day sometimes, until everything was just a blur. I still talked to my girlfriend over the phone most days, but as soon as my life changed in such a drastic way, I changed too. I wanted different things from life, I questioned everything. Personally I could never have gone back to who I was, it was so far removed from the real world.
It led me to believe that the person that i'd fallen in love with wasn't who I thought she was. All I had for years was text like this. We could convey emotion, but I felt like I understood everything that was said not from her point of view, but my own. Something I believe is both a great benifit and a great vice of the internet. I believe I loved her, I believe in the chemicals rushing through my head, but we had no substance to speak of, nothing to back up all our fine words. To me love is about so much more than that. Actually being able to show that you love someone is so hard when you cant meet them, speak to them, see them.
I couldn't do it. I feel terribly guilty because of that. I wonder if i'll always regret what might have been had I accepted it instead of running away from it. We now hardly ever speak, we've both moved on with our lives.
This post was originally much longer, but I deleted most of it in fear. I am now in a new relationship with someone I truely love and care about, something we've both worked hard to build, and I value it, but it will never feel the same.
I appologise if this reads terriblely badly, much of what I wanted to say has been lost due to excessive deleting, but since this is my first post, I dont want to rush.
All comments, ideas, thoughts and experiences are welcome. I appolgoise once again for any spelling errors or gramatical mistakes, i've recently been suffering from insomnia, which is why i'm still awake and writing at 6am.
Thank you for your time.
