How do I find a Domme? Dominatrix?

[mac_crazy]

So during a conversation about relationships, finding the right person, deciding when the right time to tell a potential s/o that I'm bi, etc... My friend suggested seeing a dominatrix.

Her words:
"I'm thinking that tied to a St. Andrews Cross a *lot* of things might become clear for you."

After chuckling, I realized maybe she has a point. I definitely lean toward the submissive side, and although I'm not much into pain, I'm interested in learning more about this type of roleplay/lifestyle (after reading some of the threads in this section, I'm realizing there is a significant difference between the two).

So, my questions are:

1) How does one go about find a Domme (is that the right term?)? I'd guess a Google search could get me going in the right direction, but how would I find one who's legit, trustworthy, etc?

2) How will she know what I like/don't like, want to do/don't want to do? Is there a conversation at the beginning? A questionnaire to fill out? (I realize that what I "like" and "want" aren't necessarily important when being a submissive, but hopefully you get my point)

3) Is there a "standard" rate for this sort of thing? Does it depend (like most other services rendered) on the quality of service, and what you're asking for?

Thanks in advance for any advice. I'm open to trying something new, and this seems like something I might enjoy. (and if it clears things up about what/who I'm looking for in life, even better! )

 

[Scotsman69]

Look on Fetlife.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I especially want to address this question;

2) How will she know what I like/don't like, want to do/don't want to do? Is there a conversation at the beginning? A questionnaire to fill out?

A pro Domme is providing you with a service. You are paying her to give you what you want. So, yes, there will be a conversation beforehand, and-- if there isn't- you need to LEAVE. That is a very important safety tip! Any woman who doesn't find out what you want in a paid situation is not really a pro at all, and can be dangerous to you, or to herself.

What you will be doing is called Negotiation.

(I realize that what I "like" and "want" aren't necessarily important when being a submissive, but hopefully you get my point)

That is pretty impressive, actually, that you know this.

If what you really want is to make a woman happy? You are a marvel, and there are many women looking for you. most people mistake "wanting to be done unto" for "being submissive" and in fact, those two things are orthogonal to each other. Love that word! If you read the essay linked to in my sig, you'll get a better idea of what I mean by that.

Anyway, yeah-- of you are really submissive, join fetlife, check around for people in your area, and see if you can find the woman who wants you to serve her.

 

[mac_crazy]

Thanks Stella, I actually did read the link in your sig earlier, before I posted. I almost always enjoy your insights in many different threads.

Yes, I'm definitely more of a "giver", and like the idea of being submissive and pleasing a woman... although "being done unto", i.e. being spanked, for instance, is also something that interests me. But still while being sub. I did recognize the difference in your essay about being "done unto to" (bottom) while still being a Dom. That wouldn't be me, in this case. I'll do some more thinking and research about what I'm really seeking.



Thanks for the input! And I don't think I've ever been called a "marvel".

 

[Netzach]

Advantages to lifestyle - reality, less wallet pain, lurve potential, more sexual contact and cuddling usually.
Advantages of pro - more gear and harder play, usually (not always), less to no lurve potential, ability to avoid drama.

What Stella said, and if you find a good fit, you can often experience something where you can balance your limits and a certain amount of doing stuff she actually really likes to do, if you'd like to experience that feeling of being pleasing if not exactly "of service." That's a good day at the office!

Some pros do just serve it up and have no interest in actually doing more, but some are actually pretty attuned to D/s and can create that kind of experience in a limited sphere of one's life. When I was active I made a point of this, I really encouraged anyone with submissive leanings to state limits and let me surprise them. In some cases they actually learned some useful stuff, go figure. Sometimes I did, too.

I'd definitely ask her what her favorite things to do are versus just "could you do this". You'll get a better read on whether this is an experience that might be fun. People bring their A game to the scenes they like doing.

Rates vary by locale, duration, and whether you go with a house (high turnover, hot girls usually) or an independent (sometimes rents from a house, more experienced) dig around and you'll get the idea of averages.

Also you may find reviews in the sites geared toward this kind of thing. Don't take unreviewed to mean flighty though, some people are all about privacy.

 

[Kellydude666]

So during a conversation about relationships, finding the right person, deciding when the right time to tell a potential s/o that I'm bi, etc... My friend suggested seeing a dominatrix.

Her words:
"I'm thinking that tied to a St. Andrews Cross a *lot* of things might become clear for you."

After chuckling, I realized maybe she has a point. I definitely lean toward the submissive side, and although I'm not much into pain, I'm interested in learning more about this type of roleplay/lifestyle (after reading some of the threads in this section, I'm realizing there is a significant difference between the two).

So, my questions are:

1) How does one go about find a Domme (is that the right term?)? I'd guess a Google search could get me going in the right direction, but how would I find one who's legit, trustworthy, etc?

2) How will she know what I like/don't like, want to do/don't want to do? Is there a conversation at the beginning? A questionnaire to fill out? (I realize that what I "like" and "want" aren't necessarily important when being a submissive, but hopefully you get my point)

3) Is there a "standard" rate for this sort of thing? Does it depend (like most other services rendered) on the quality of service, and what you're asking for?

Thanks in advance for any advice. I'm open to trying something new, and this seems like something I might enjoy. (and if it clears things up about what/who I'm looking for in life, even better! )

You will have luck if you google dominatrix in your city. You definitely want a pro who loves the lifestyle. Find one who has a very detailed website explaining what they are about and services offered and the tribute they charge for services. Usually if you find one online you can google other info about them to make sure they are on the level. When you read enough on the net you can pretty much narrow it down who is a serious Domme and who is not. Good luck in your search!

 

[Bramblethorn]

2) How will she know what I like/don't like, want to do/don't want to do? Is there a conversation at the beginning? A questionnaire to fill out? (I realize that what I "like" and "want" aren't necessarily important when being a submissive, but hopefully you get my point)

AFAIK that's a common approach, yes. Here is a checklist that was used by one well-known Sydney BDSM dungeon.

 

[mac_crazy]

Excellent input from all of you, thanks so much! Will keep you posted if/when I find someone to try out (try me out).

 

[mac_crazy]

Thanks for the link to that checklist, Bramblethorn. Very informative and thought-provoking.