How do I best support this girl?

[Lovepotion69]

Hi people,
Most of you know I've been substitute teaching at a junior high school.

One girl has started to like me and she confided some serious stuff to me. I've decided that I can't help her as such, that I leave that to the professionals (she sees one), but that I can be there as an outsider and older friend.
She has also started to like the other substitute teacher (male) who is now a friend of mine. She feels she can talk to us and enjoys hanging out with us. We've both decided now to keep in touch with her over the summer.

She has a history of rape, got pregnant by the rape, had abortion, dad being very Catholic blamed her for it all, her mom withdrew the police report, she got raped again and didn't tell her folks as she figured they'd blame her anyway, the gang who did it go to the school. People says she lies and she doesn't feel the regular teacher has time for her. No confidence in him.

She stopped eating and is in the early stages of anorexia as she figured she'll be less attractive thin, while also trying to compete with her older sister who's a model. The parents favourise the sister. She has nightmares about the rapes and cuts herself. She's on medication. She's failing classes.

And on the outside you wouldn't believe any of it. She's always smiling and seems to be easy going.

Now, how can I be there for her? I've told her if she wants to talk about her problems she's free to and I'll listen. Otherwise I think she just needs people around her to make her feel good.

Happy for advice.
LP

 

[Guest]

Give her a pitty fuck.

See if that works.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Give her a pitty fuck.

See if that works.

Chill, that was low, even for you

 

[Guest]

LP, that's a tricky one. I just thank goodness this girl has got people who do care about her, and people who she feels she can approach and trusts will believe in her.

To be completely honest, there is not an awful lot more you can do for her than you already are. Just being there for her to talk to is very precious in itself. It is of tantamount importance that you try to help build this girl's self-esteem. How you'd do that, I'm not so sure. She needs to feel worthwhile, useful, wanted - needed, even - loved, cared for and valued as a person.

Is there anything you could persuade her to do that would focus on a particular talent she has? Is she artistic? Musical? Anything like that?

Most importantly, just keep talking to her.

All the very best to you.

Lou

 

[Ms_Kat]

I agree, you are doing all that you can. If it feels like it isn't enough, ask yourself: If I did more, what would the newspapers say on the front page if they found out? It will keep you from crossing some professional boundaries that are best left unbroken.

Also, when I began my career as a social worker, I remember a similar case when the girl decided to kill herself and took a bunch of pills. Instead of killing herself, she ended up with severe brain damage and worse off than she was when she started. I felt like a miserable failure. I felt like I should have done more. I should have taken the girl away from her family. I should have....

My supervisor was wise enough to know what was bothering me. She pulled me into her office and reviewed the case. Then she said, "I'm confident that you did everything prudent based on what you knew at the time. You care about these people - that's your biggest strength. Don't let it become your greatest weakness, too. You should never try and help someone more than they are willing to help themself."

Hope that helps.



Hugs,


Kat

 

[cheerful_deviant]

Give her a pitty fuck.

See if that works.

Someone has a serious question, asks for help and that's how you respond?

Remind me to never ask your advice on anything.

 

[Guest]

All right.

Give her a pitty fuck in the ass.

See if that's better?

 

[Guest]

All right.

Give her a pitty fuck in the ass.

See if that's better?

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

I think Lou has pretty much summed up what a teacher can do for the girl. Find, try to draw out, and develop any academic or artistic talent she might posses.

You might check with the professional help the girl is receiving, to reassure yourself that they are taking her problems seriously, not letting her fall through the cracks. If she is receiving adequate assistance, you might inquire how best the professional thinks you can assist the girl.

Be there for her, be encouraging, and maintain your professional boundaries.

I only wish there had been a teacher like you in my high school.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I My supervisor was wise enough to know what was bothering me. She pulled me into her office and reviewed the case. Then she said, "I'm confident that you did everything prudent based on what you knew at the time. You care about these people - that's your biggest strength. Don't let it become your greatest weakness, too. You should never try and help someone more than they are willing to help themself."

Brilliant advice.

 

[oggbashan]

Please recognise that you are not trained or competent to deal with her problems yet you might be able to help - if you know how.

You could seek advice from a senior teacher at your school because this sort of scenario is unfortunately not unusual.

Talk to and perhaps then get advice from the professional who is seeing her.

There are risks for you in undertaking a role that you do not have the skills for - and risks for her. Proper advice for you (and we are not the people to give it) will enable both of you to benefit.

Quoting advice from the Literotica AH will not do you much good if something drastic happens. Be aware that it could go wrong and you could be the one 'blamed'.

It may seem unfeeling to think of yourself when she has such problems but there are people who have the skills to help her. Even they get it disastrously wrong from time to time.

I think that you are walking into a minefield with you eyes shut and just hoping. You need a guide to get you through.

Sorry to be so negative. I understand your concern but the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" is true in this situation. Hell for you; hell for her - unless you are very careful.

Og

 

[Lovepotion69]

I'm definitely going to do some research and try to get hold of some professionals to talk to. I don't want to get myself into something without some backup. And yes, I might do more damage than good if unlucky.

I also like the advice of that supervisor by Ms_Kat . I'll keep that in mind.

 

[Guest]

Please recognise that you are not trained or competent to deal with her problems yet you might be able to help - if you know how.

You could seek advice from a senior teacher at your school because this sort of scenario is unfortunately not unusual.

Talk to and perhaps then get advice from the professional who is seeing her.

There are risks for you in undertaking a role that you do not have the skills for - and risks for her. Proper advice for you (and we are not the people to give it) will enable both of you to benefit.

Quoting advice from the Literotica AH will not do you much good if something drastic happens. Be aware that it could go wrong and you could be the one 'blamed'.

It may seem unfeeling to think of yourself when she has such problems but there are people who have the skills to help her. Even they get it disastrously wrong from time to time.

I think that you are walking into a minefield with you eyes shut and just hoping. You need a guide to get you through.

Sorry to be so negative. I understand your concern but the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" is true in this situation. Hell for you; hell for her - unless you are very careful.

Og

Very good points, Og.

But, I must add - from the stance of looking at things from the girl's perspective - having someone to talk to, who isn't involved in any way, but does care, can mean the difference between making it to being a happy, well-adjusted adult and not.

LP, I don't say that to load added pressure onto you, far from it, but, this girl needs to talk. She needs to feel good about herself.

Another thing you might try to do is talk to her friends. Are there any other girls she is particularly close to? Could they help in any way?

It is very tough on you and you must look after your own best interests.

Try to remain professional at all times, while being compassionate.

Lou

 

[oggbashan]

Lou,

This time you are wrong.

Right-headed but wrong because it is too risky without someone professional giving advice.

Lovepotion69 needs support herself before she can be an effective support for someone with such severe problems.

Og

 

[Guest]

deleted

 

[Guest]

I agree with Ogg. Talking to her friends is going too far. You have to keep this utterly professional. The girl cannot help needing sympathy and attention, and obviously needs it, but more so from her therapist and family. Be a good teacher to her, recognize her intelligence and whatever she does in schoolwork. You cannot be her friend if you are to be a competent teacher.

Perdita

 

[oggbashan]

quote deleted.

Lovepotion69's problem is that she is already in the situation. She cannot back away but she needs to get advice on how to work the problem.

She wants to help. Anyone would. BUT a mistake could ruin her career and/or the girl could be badly hurt.

Og

 

[Guest]

I can't say anything more is this thread, as I cannot see things from an objective viewpoint. Anything I have said was said with the best interests of the girl at heart, not you, LP, and I am sorry for that.

Lou

 

[Guest]

I'd still say one up the arse.

I've been here long enough to read these kind of idiocy.

signed,

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

I'd still say one up the arse.

I've been here long enough to read these kind of idiocy.

signed,

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/finger/765.gif

 

[Liar]

LP, I've been in a similar situation, and I didn't handle it well at all, trying to be friend, concellour, analyst, and father figure to a hurt and broken firend who had gone through similar ordeals. What I should had done was to keep the only role that I was any good at, the friend part. It seems you already is that to this girl, in addition to being a teacher. Well, I can't give you any more advise than what's been said already.

Be a friend, but don't try to be a therapist or social worker. And let her know that you're alsways there to listen, but that she should not think of you as someone who can make things right. That's not the kind of trust you want to have, and then inevitably betray (because you and I are not professionals and knows not what we do), believe me.

#L



ps. The ChilledVodka stock just sank beneath the floorboards. You're the fist one ever to say hello to my Ignore list, prick.

 

[minsue]

Be a friend, but don't try to be a therapist or social worker. And let her know that you're alsways there to listen, but that she should not think of you as someone who can make things right. That's not the kind of trust you want to have, and then inevitably betray (because you and I are not professionals and knows not what we do), believe me.

#L



ps. The ChilledVodka stock just sank beneath the floorboards. You're the fist one ever to say hello to my Ignore list, prick.

I agree completely with much that has been said, but especially Liar's. Both the post and the ps.

 

[KarenAM]

Lots of good advice here. I'll add from my own experiences that you need to constantly be aware of your own limitations and emotions. As Liar said, unless you are a trained professional with this sort of thing (in which case you don't dare become a friend to this girl), the best you can do is be a friend.

But being a friend makes you involved with her. If it all goes bad, keep a level head with respect to your own state. Remember that situations like this affect everyone and that you are going to go through some difficult stuff yourself because of your involvement. Don't be afraid to get help if you need it too.

I hope it works out, for you and her, LP.

 

[Lovepotion69]

Be a friend, but don't try to be a therapist or social worker. And let her know that you're alsways there to listen, but that she should not think of you as someone who can make things right. That's not the kind of trust you want to have, and then inevitably betray (because you and I are not professionals and knows not what we do), believe me.

Liar,
That's pretty much what I told her yesterday when I gave her my cellphone number. That I'm not a professional, nor do I intend to give it a try. And no, I can't give her the magic formula to make things good. I just told her that if she wants to talk about her problems, then talk and I'll listen, but she shouldn't see me as a therapist, but more of a casual friend to talk about fun stuff with. Stuff like music and general teenage stuff. I'm there to let her have a break from the other thoughts. To let her have some fun and good times.

 

[amicus]

Lovepotion69....

Ignore most of what has been suggested thus far. Do not seek the advice of 'professionals and social workers', worst thing you could do.

For over a year, I was part of a poetry site, All Poetry. During that time, I discovered a couple dozen talented young boys and girls who wrote, for the most part, very bad poetry.

But here and there, intelligence, even 'genius' peeked out.

Many of them, as your young friend, had been traumatized in the same ways, cutting, seems to be a big thing, and starvation.

It is now two years later and I have been banned from All Poetry, yet I still keep contact with about a half dozen of those who, it seemed, were on the verge of suicide.

What did I do? I listened. I remembered, I got involved with their lives. Why? I had five daughters and three sons and knew the symptoms of broken families and teen-aged angst.

You are right, this kid, these kids, want a friend. But not a 'professional' friend, you either have to 'mean' it and really get involved, or back off.

And if you do get involved, be prepared to be disappointed and even hurt.

The root of it all, is, be human, be compassionate and try as many things as you can think of to find a direction for her.

Know also that you cannot help everyone who needs help and that some will use you.

I am currently worried about a 14 year old in Colorado, IQ 170, on meds for adhd and a whole list of ailments, also raped, also from a broken family and she is very anti social, unhappy with her appearance. Can I help her? Can you help yours?

We can but try. Good luck.

Amicus