How did you know you were ready to marry?

[eudaemonia]

For those who followed my little saga of jonesing for a professor mine for the last 3 years -- I'm not exactly your typical coed (43), and he's 45 -- I've been having lots of convos in my head about this. Fyi, I'm single, never married.

Not having the luck to date him -- he's recently engaged -- I'm not certain how things might have worked out. But for what I can tell most of the elements of a good marriage were there: desire for him (lust!), admiration, sharing similar values, no desire for kids, some degree of mutual attraction.

So the question is, how did you know you were ready? I deliberatly put off marriage for quite a while because I wanted to do other things and becuase I never found a man who didn't want childre. So there's no biological necessity to marry, just emotional ones.

This incident with my prof has hit kind of hard, more than I thought it would. I'm trying to shake it off lest it turned in a major depressive, funk. Depression isn't something I can handle right now, trying to get into grad school.

Thots?

 

[Eilan]

In hindsight, I probably wasn't ready when I married for the first time (at 20, to someone who'd been one of my best friends since we were children), but I thought I was ready because I thought I knew everything at that time.

It's odd, though, because we did, and still do, have a lot in common. We grew up and grew apart, though, and we didn't handle the changes in ourselves and our relationship very well.

As for my hubby, it's hard for me to explain. We share similar values, even though we're not exactly on the same page politically; marrying him just felt right. I couldn't imagine not marrying him. And I wanted to give him babies because he was unable to have them for so long.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I was always ready to get married, or so I thought. It was just natural for me to be in a committed relationship, mainly because my entire family was liek that, not a single divorce on either side. My first engagement however was horrible. I found I wasn't ready because I thought she was ready and I was wrong. Had we gotten married it would have been a disaster.

I married my wife too you as well, and we've both acknowledged that, and I did it mainly out of fear of losing her, I think. Our first couple years were pretty rough, filled with struggles that wouldn't have been there had we waited till we were out of college and stable. That said, we worked it out because we were committed to doing it.

I think it's less about when and more about who. If you knwo marrying young is gona be a struggle, but you ahve the right person who also realizes that and is willing to work on it, I think any marriage can work. We married too young, but we married the right people.

 

[Eilan]

I think a lot of the problems with my ex started when our oldest child was born. I'd been through college and grad school and I'd had all these wonderful plans about having a career and a family, but when I held that baby in my arms for the first time, I wanted nothing more than to stay at home and take care of her. However, it wasn't financially feasible for me to do so.

My husband was, at that point, struggling with the fact that he had a career that he didn't really want, even though it paid well and had almost unlimited advancement potential. He wanted a different job, and I wanted to be at home, and we started resenting each other. He felt that I was selling out my "feminist ideals" because I wanted to stay home, and I felt that he was an underachiever with a bad attitude. The resentments snowballed to the point that they eventually affected our sexual relationship, and then, when our second child was about 8 weeks old and I was suffering from PPD, he left me for someone else.

What's sad is that we've both gotten what we've wanted out of life (so far)--we just ended up doing it with different partners.

 

[eudaemonia]

I think it's less about when and more about who.

Exactly.

I guess it's just now that I'm ready I'm kind antsy to get the show on the road. Afterall, I'm hitting my sexual peak! Either that or it's ready all the posts on the G-spot ... <wicked grin>.

 

[covariant]

This incident with my prof has hit kind of hard, more than I thought it would. I'm trying to shake it off lest it turned in a major depressive, funk. Depression isn't something I can handle right now, trying to get into grad school.

Thots?

Don't focus on marriage right now. Attend to other aspects of your life - your friends and your studies - and try to leave this behind you. Take a vacation if you can. Realize that it's going to be tough for a while, and take care of yourself.

 

[midwestyankee]

I think that there is a difference between being ready for marriage in general and being ready to marry in particular.

E, it sounds as if you have turned a corner in your life onto a path where you can begin to see someone walking alongside you where before you always saw yourself on a solo journey. You just haven't yet identified the heart and soul to whom that hand holding yours is attached.

Love finds us; we don't find love. That said, love might smack us up side the head and we won't feel a damned thing if we're not open to it. You, it appears, are starting to recognize that you are open to it.

Congratulations. Having an open heart is a precious gift.

 

[sweetsparkles]

.....

 

[bobsgirl]

As for my hubby, it's hard for me to explain. We share similar values, even though we're not exactly on the same page politically; marrying him just felt right. I couldn't imagine not marrying him. And I wanted to give him babies because he was unable to have them for so long.

I've been married to MrB for almost 28 years, and I too can't imagine being married to anyone else despite our many differences. He's become my best friend over the years, in spite of his obsession with football.

I'm not sure it was a conscious decision that we were ready to marry. After four years of dating, it was just time to take our relationship to the next level.

 

[SweetErika]

Honestly, we decided to get married for the legal, economic, and a few little social benefits. It was more a matter of necessity than readiness, as we needed things like dependent health insurance benefits and property protection.

The readiness pertained to making long-term commitments. After more than four years, plenty of major trials, time apart and spending a huge amount of time together, we felt confident it was a good match and we could make it through anything. We had a lot in common on the big issues (money, kids, ideology, goals, education, etc.), and had worked through just about everything. We'd lived together, had all of the fights, and settled into a routine. We'd both finished graduate degrees, and were in a good place to continue building a life together. We'd proved ourselves to be best friends, great problem solvers, compromisers, lovers, and balanced in the pursuit of our own and each other's happiness.

It also just felt right, and I was really struck on our wedding day when there were no nerves, fear, or hesitancy. I NEVER imagined I'd feel ready to make this type of commitment at 22, but the circumstances just made it happen that way. So, I suppose the feelings and beliefs of readiness and confidence came about through logic.

 

[Scepter]

I am married but separated, and in hindsight I now realize that we jumped the gun in getting married so soon in our relationship.

Remember, marriage is optional in a relationship.

 

[Vixandra]

How do you know you're ready?

I'm not sure... when he officially proposed to me while I was home from tech school for Christmas, (I was in the Air Force) the agreement was we'd get married if I got an overseas assignment.

Jan. 19th I called him and told him that we needed to get married before April 19th, my fly out date to Japan, where I was being stationed.


I knew he was the man I wanted- pined for him for over 2 years before he realized I was a "girl" instead of one of the gang.
Got married when he was 22 and I was 19. Hasn't always been the easiest thing but nothing worth having really is.
But I'm happy with my geeky, computer-nerd, model-building, anime fan husband and he's happy with me.

Its been over three years and I'm still thrilled to have him at my side, to be able to cuddle up to him in bed. The good days out number the bad by far.

So- we knew because we couldn't stand to be seperated by the Pacific for two years and getting married was the only alternative to that.
*shrugs*
Not sure if that answers your question but that's how it was for us.

 

[silverwhisper]

e:

i realized i was ready to marry her when the light in my head switched on. she's fun, funny, kind, smart, has a similar sense of humor, similar values...it was a perfect match. i kept her waiting b/c i wanted to be financially a bit more secure, but truth be told, at some point you just gotta do it. or at least, that's how it worked for me.

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

You know, as corney as it sounds, but I knew I was going to marry my wife the first time we went out on a date. We were sitting eating dinner and I was describing my perfect woman. What I found was that I was describing her almost to the last detail. Now, this wasn't some subconscious trick, this was listof qualitites I'd had for years. It was freakish to be sitting across from what I can only describe as my soulmate.

Like I said, it's less about when then about who. We were too young to get married in reality, too immature to really understand what marriage entailed. We both agree to this, but we also both agree that had we waited we probably wouldn't have done it at all.

Like Erika said though, I was shocked that I had no nerves on our wedding day. It was perfect and there wasn't anything to be nervous about. I think though that it helps that we were both raised in strong families that were completely divorce free. Because we knew what we were getting into as far as a life long cimmitment, we didn't have those nerves and fears at that moment. We'd already gone through that soul searching part before we got to the altar.

 

[borderline]

how did you know you were ready?
Thots?

Her brothers racked the slides on their shotguns just as her water broke...

 

[jushorny]

How did you know you were ready to marry?

I didn't my wife to be told me I was! Sorry I couldn't resist saying that, although I knew she was the one I wanted to marry, I didn't think I was ready. Now, 24 years later I am as happy as ever.

 

[FurryFury]

First time, I wasn't ready. I didn't think I was ready. I felt driven to marry. BIG mistake. HUGE mistake! I never wanted to marry but felt I had to.

Second time, I wasn't ready to marry. He wanted to. He is a good man. I suggested we just live together. He wanted to do it "right." We got married. It's a good marriage because he is a good man and we respect, love and are grateful for each other.

I still say I'm not sure about marriage though.

Fury

 

[M's girl]

I was always ready to get married, or so I thought. It was just natural for me to be in a committed relationship, mainly because my entire family was like that, not a single divorce on either side.

That's what I have been thinking for a long time. I came from the same background. For that reason thinking I would get engaged, get married and then have children was only a natural thing to think. So when I was about 16 or so I thought I would be engaged by the time I was 18, marry at 20 or so and have children by the time I was 22. Not because I wanted it so bad, but just because I had seen around me that that was how things went.

When I was around 23 I realized I missed I few steps. I had been engaged, but to the worst person ever. I'm so glad my ideas of how things should be were overruled by my gut feelings. At the same time I though "It's not too late; you will find someone and you will be engaged by the time you are 25, marry at 27 and have babies around 30". Not because I wanted it so bad... but because I thought it would be a natural and logical process of life.

When I was in my 30's I realized I kept pushing that timeframe in front of me. The intention was still there. I had long-lasting relationships but never got engaged anymore after that first (horrible) one time. My last ex proposed marriage after a few months and I was flabbergasted. He was a nice guy... but marriage? So soon? I said yes, however.... I mean... how can you say no to someone who apparently loves you so much and wants to commit. I said yes and after that nothing really happened. Oh, we bought the engagement rings, sure... Then he asked me when we would get married. In two weeks? TWO WEEKS? This was not my idea of getting married! I never believed in the concept or marriage being a safe place for your relationship. I would do it for romantic reasons, so I wanted the dress and the cake and the tears and the party, preferably in a garden with white tents and lots of flower arrangements; champagne, you name it. But the piece of paper itself never convinced me. I liked the idea of saying "yes" to each other in front of friends and family. Of openly choosing each other for the rest of your life..... for as far as you could see at that moment....

After the rings and me telling him that two weeks was a crazy idea because we would have to save up for the wedding if we (I actually) wanted it to get anything remotely in the direction of my dream wedding, nothing happened anymore. I thought "if you want to get married that bad and so soon, you make the arrangements; show me this is what you really want"... Of course nothing happened because he never made anything happen on any level. I guess I knew that then already. He was the typical follower and I like the leader-role to a certain extend, but I like a man who takes charge every now and then too. He was never like that. That is why we grew apart in the end.

To make a long story short: I think I was never ready for marriage and I always knew that. Even the relationships that looked very promising from the start... I always wanted to wait until I was sure and I always found out there was something that said to me "he is not the one".

All the time I really liked the wedding idea for it's romantic purposes. Hell, I would still marry if ever it looked like the right thing to do. With M... we are not there yet and maybe we will never be. He was married before and it was a disaster, which has put a huge aversion to the whole idea in his head, and understandably so. If we end up staying together for the rest of our lives without getting married, that would be fine with me. Although I must say I would be flattered if I would be the one to convince him that commiting yourself to someone again because you trust this time it will be good, would be wonderful of course. I might even consider saying YES