How come....

sxylegs

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How come some people feel that they must confess that they have cheated when they have gotten away with it...

A good friend of mine thought she had a great relationship when here boyfriend of 4 years tell her that he had cheated 2 years before........She didnt need to know that......they werent having problems now.....but now they are.....

Has anybody been in that situation and told? Let me know the reasoning.....maybe it will help my friend....

:rose: :kiss: :rose:
 
I haven't been in that situation, but friends have. It's often guilt that drives the cheater to confess. Not always, of course, but sometimes they feel the need for absolution and the partner they cheated on is the only one who can make them feel better by forgiving them.

Another reason is that they want to clear their conscience if the relationship is serious and they want to take it further. They believe they can't deepen the intimacy of the relationship with that big lie between them, or fear that they will somehow be discovered down the road and it's better to get it all out in the open.

Also the cheater may have been unhappy or dissatisfied in the relationship and didn't know how to bring it up. By telling their partner, they can finally let them know that things are not 'fine' between them. This can stem from a desire to improve things or to end the relationship.

It's also possible they suspect their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, so they raise the issue by telling them about their own actions.

There are probably other reasons as well.
 
Sometimes people want absolution. Sometimes they want to share the pain.

Had I cheated on my first wife I think I would have told her. I would have told her because it really gave me a way out of that hellish marriage and it would have hurt her in the process. Nearly as bad as she hurt me. Despite a couple opportunities, I did not cheat on her. So I never had the chance to pay her back.

What I fail to understand are the marriages or relationships where everything IS FINE, one partner cheated, and has since stopped and still they tell, hurting a good thing.
 
Bobmi357 said:
What I fail to understand are the marriages or relationships where everything IS FINE, one partner cheated, and has since stopped and still they tell, hurting a good thing.

I maintain that, in those situations, it really is the guilt gnawing away at them. It gets to be too much for them to handle, especially if their partner holds them in high esteem. The cheater feels like s/he doesn't deserve their esteem and has to confess.
 
Bobmi357 said:
Sometimes people want absolution. Sometimes they want to share the pain.

Had I cheated on my first wife I think I would have told her. I would have told her because it really gave me a way out of that hellish marriage and it would have hurt her in the process. Nearly as bad as she hurt me. Despite a couple opportunities, I did not cheat on her. So I never had the chance to pay her back.

What I fail to understand are the marriages or relationships where everything IS FINE, one partner cheated, and has since stopped and still they tell, hurting a good thing.


Thats the part that I dont understand.....why ruin a really good relationship.....when things are good....
 
The thing about cheating is that it isn't just a physical thing. Emotions can come into play also.

Maybe the bf felt guilty and that he wanted to be honest with her. Clear the air and have a clear conscience.


One of the things I don't like about cheating isn't just the physical act of two people having sexual intercourse. It is the risk of STD's and other diseases that you can pass on to your partner who has done no wrong.
 
Debbie said:
The thing about cheating is that it isn't just a physical thing. Emotions can come into play also.

Maybe the bf felt guilty and that he wanted to be honest with her. Clear the air and have a clear conscience.


One of the things I don't like about cheating isn't just the physical act of two people having sexual intercourse. It is the risk of STD's and other diseases that you can pass on to your partner who has done no wrong.


Very true about the STD's

I guess im still Catholic.....if you need to confess...tell a Priest....not the innocent party...
 
sxylegs said:
Thats the part that I dont understand.....why ruin a really good relationship.....when things are good....
I think that they just might think that they can't TRUELY have a 'good' relationship unless they are 100% honest about EVERYTHING... Including their indescretions... And in a way, I think that they're right.

If it was a ONE-TIME thing, I say: keep it quiet... Anyone can have ONE weak moment. But if it was an on-going affair, I think that you SHOULD tell... Otherwise, the person that you are with is under the assumption that they are with one type of person, while they're actually with a completely DIFFERENT kind of person.

Anyone that you're with deserves to know who you are and what you've DONE during your relationship together... At least if you want them to know the REAL you. How else can they love you for YOU?
 
I think if you've cheated, and then stopped and the relationship is going well, then telling your partner is an act of selfishness because it assuages your guilt at the expense of your partner's happiness. I get this from a friend of mine:

The parents of one of my friend's from college got a divorce because of this. His dad had an affair years before and attended a self-help seminar where a speaker encouraged the audience to be completely honest in all things. So, he went home and told his wife about his affair, and finished by commenting that he felt much better. At which point, she explained that while he felt better, she didn't. . .and they were divorced. Not a lot of drama in it.
 
I share your bewilderment. Why do people suddenly reveal devastating information to one they love? Do they really believe this will improve the relationship?

Maybe it's just a cowardly way to sabotage the relationship ... a way to get out without calling it quits. Tell the other person something awful and let her throw you out ... rather than having the balls to walk out on your own.

I just don't know.

Sharkbite
 
GrammarGoddess said:
I think if you've cheated, and then stopped and the relationship is going well, then telling your partner is an act of selfishness because it assuages your guilt at the expense of your partner's happiness. I get this from a friend of mine:

The parents of one of my friend's from college got a divorce because of this. His dad had an affair years before and attended a self-help seminar where a speaker encouraged the audience to be completely honest in all things. So, he went home and told his wife about his affair, and finished by commenting that he felt much better. At which point, she explained that while he felt better, she didn't. . .and they were divorced. Not a lot of drama in it.

This I firmly agree with.....
 
Debbie said:
It is the risk of STD's and other diseases that you can pass on to your partner who has done no wrong.

While this is true, given the long time frame, I doubt this was the reason behind the confession and the problems. I doubt the bf was going "You know, I might have given my gf a STD", and I doubt the gf's primary concern is STD.

My wife did this to me. About a year or two after we married she confessed to having a one night stand about 2 months before our wedding. I'm not sure what I get out of knowing except something to hang over her head. I do know she was feeling incredibly guilty.
 
TheCentaur said:
While this is true, given the long time frame, I doubt this was the reason behind the confession and the problems. I doubt the bf was going "You know, I might have given my gf a STD", and I doubt the gf's primary concern is STD.

My wife did this to me. About a year or two after we married she confessed to having a one night stand about 2 months before our wedding. I'm not sure what I get out of knowing except something to hang over her head. I do know she was feeling incredibly guilty.

You are right....I dont believe that STD's are the question.....a person can go and be checked for STD's and only tell if it is positive......
I think you have the right answer.....relieving guilt.....since I dont allow my self to feel guilty...then maybe that is why I dont understand. I have a conscious that stops me from doing wrong things.......I have never understood why people have to wallow in guilt.......just keep going and dont do the bad or negative things anymore.....
 
cheating

Cheating is a form of withdrawal from the partner, and confessing is a confirmation of that withdrawal. What the couple does with that pain and distance is up to them. But certainly confessing isn't just impulsive. It has motivations, just as the betrayal had motivations (above and beyond the desire to fuck).
 
sxylegs said:
since I dont allow my self to feel guilty...then maybe that is why I dont understand. I have a conscious that stops me from doing wrong things.......I have never understood why people have to wallow in guilt.......just keep going and dont do the bad or negative things anymore.....

Except that if there's no consequence (i.e., guilt) to doing bad things, then why would you stop doing them. Most bad things (at least those we're talking about here) feel pretty good while you're doing them, so its tough to not do them unless there's a motivation. It's great that your conscience is that strong, but for many people that shoulder with the little devil on it is often a lot louder than the one with the little angel.
 
It's often guilt that drives the cheater to confess


truth shell set you free!
 
TheCentaur said:
Except that if there's no consequence (i.e., guilt) to doing bad things, then why would you stop doing them. Most bad things (at least those we're talking about here) feel pretty good while you're doing them, so its tough to not do them unless there's a motivation. It's great that your conscience is that strong, but for many people that shoulder with the little devil on it is often a lot louder than the one with the little angel.

I have that little devil on my shoulder a lot and I often do what he tells me to do.......I only say that you should work your conscoius yourself and dont hurt someone else just because that little devil swayed you into doing something wrong........my friend's world is now upside down and he is begging her to forgive him .......they are apart and will probably never be the same.......
I guess I need to go ask him why he opened his mouth......what was his motive...
 
sxylegs said:
I guess I need to go ask him why he opened his mouth......what was his motive...
He probably figured that it was better for her to hear it from HIM instead of somehow finding out from someone ELSE. *shrugs*
 
Bobmi357 said:
Had I cheated on my first wife I think I would have told her. I would have told her because it really gave me a way out of that hellish marriage and it would have hurt her in the process. Nearly as bad as she hurt me. Despite a couple opportunities, I did not cheat on her. So I never had the chance to pay her back.

I HAD to read this to my husband because he could have written it about his first wife! In fact, after I read it to him, he said, "Hey, I didn't write that!"


It's really devastating to be in a situation where you THINK everything is ok and something comes along to shatter your version of reality. That's the worst part--not the cheating (which I definitely don't condone).

I've heard of people who, 20-30 years after cheating on a spouse, find themselves in a situation where the spouse has a terminal illness. They feel like they have to confess their indiscretions to make THEMSELVES feel better, thereby further burdening the person who's ill. Extremely selfish.

Sxylegs, I know this post hasn't answered your question. I agree with you, though: maybe you SHOULD go ask your friend's boyfriend what his motive was. Perhaps he has a good reason, but somehow I doubt it.
 
Eilan said:
Sxylegs, I know this post hasn't answered your question. I agree with you, though: maybe you SHOULD go ask your friend's boyfriend what his motive was. Perhaps he has a good reason, but somehow I doubt it.

didn't your friend ask the bf why he told her now?

If my man did that, I'd think he wanted out of the relationship. Why rock the boat otherwise?
 
sxylegs said:
How come some people feel that they must confess that they have cheated when they have gotten away with it...

A good friend of mine thought she had a great relationship when here boyfriend of 4 years tell her that he had cheated 2 years before........She didnt need to know that......they werent having problems now.....but now they are.....

Has anybody been in that situation and told? Let me know the reasoning.....maybe it will help my friend....

:rose: :kiss: :rose:
I didn't read the entire thread so I am unsure if am repeating a previous post, but my own experience is that when someone confesses to an infidelity they got away with, it's entirely about appeasing their own conscience. And it never, ever, makes a relationship better.
 
Eilan said:
It's really devastating to be in a situation where you THINK everything is ok and something comes along to shatter your version of reality. That's the worst part--not the cheating (which I definitely don't condone).

I've heard of people who, 20-30 years after cheating on a spouse, find themselves in a situation where the spouse has a terminal illness. They feel like they have to confess their indiscretions to make THEMSELVES feel better, thereby further burdening the person who's ill. Extremely selfish.

I agree with you on this. For the partner who finds out, it's like having a rug pulled from beneath them because not only are things suddenly unexpectedly going badly, but there's also the fact that it leads them to question everything about the relationship---if the cheating partner could lie about this, what else could they be lying about? What a terrible fall that would be.

As for the telling a spouse with a termina illness about cheating, what a selfish, horrible thing to do. Anyone with a terminal illness has enough to deal with. How childish and insensitive!
 
Push comes to shove; I'll take the position that there is actually some real problem either in the relationship or with the person who confesses, though some people eventually have to because of guilt. (Go tell the priest!).

Some people don't realize the impact of telling because they don't understand the needs and emotional makeup of their partner, and/or because they are too self-centered to care. For those people, the primary problem is themselves.

The "get yourself thrown out" theory works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't -- I broke up suddenly with someone and told her I'd been cheating, hoping that it would help her get angry and put distance between us. Instead, she was very accepting (contrary to her previous "I'll cut your balls off" warnings) and wanted to work through things.

Which brings me to the belief that if a relationship is really solid then confessing isn't going to do more than, at worst, cause a difficult time for while.

It can be a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" problem in trust. Allowing yourself to be trusted when you know you're not trustworthy (having cheated) is a problem. Not being trustworthy by continuing to hide the truth is the other side of the coin. So having cheated, the act of trying to reestablish the trust by confessing (to prove you're now trustworthy about not hiding things) can turn things upside down if your partner doesn't see your confession the same way you do. And of course, the longer you wait to confess, the bigger the charge of "violating trust" becomes if your partner doesn't see your confession the same way you do.

To decide if confession is worse than hiding, you have to see how your partner will view the confession. My assertion is that when the relationship is solid, the partner will accept the confession. When the relationship is in trouble, the confession can rip off the "things are good" veneer to expose suppressed or hidden problems.

If you're living well with your partner but not truly in love anymore, then confession is bad unless you both want to rebuild a loving together (as opposed to a just living together) relationship. If you feel the need to confess, do it during a marriage encounter weekend or while in couples counseling so the focus will be on the future, not the past.

Personally, the greatest temptation to cheat is the belief that my SO would make a valiant attempt to understand, accept, forgive, and keep loving. That brings the cost down to where it may not be enough of a deterrent.
 
Eilan said:
I HAD to read this to my husband because he could have written it about his first wife! In fact, after I read it to him, he said, "Hey, I didn't write that!"


It's really devastating to be in a situation where you THINK everything is ok and something comes along to shatter your version of reality. That's the worst part--not the cheating (which I definitely don't condone).

I've heard of people who, 20-30 years after cheating on a spouse, find themselves in a situation where the spouse has a terminal illness. They feel like they have to confess their indiscretions to make THEMSELVES feel better, thereby further burdening the person who's ill. Extremely selfish.

Sxylegs, I know this post hasn't answered your question. I agree with you, though: maybe you SHOULD go ask your friend's boyfriend what his motive was. Perhaps he has a good reason, but somehow I doubt it.

you bring up an interesting point.......I wonder if the person that tells the terminal ill person....is wanting to bring the attention onto themselves.......that it is just an attention getter, because the terminal person gets so much........
 
ReadyOne said:
Push comes to shove; I'll take the position that there is actually some real problem either in the relationship or with the person who confesses, though some people eventually have to because of guilt. (Go tell the priest!).

Some people don't realize the impact of telling because they don't understand the needs and emotional makeup of their partner, and/or because they are too self-centered to care. For those people, the primary problem is themselves.

The "get yourself thrown out" theory works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't -- I broke up suddenly with someone and told her I'd been cheating, hoping that it would help her get angry and put distance between us. Instead, she was very accepting (contrary to her previous "I'll cut your balls off" warnings) and wanted to work through things.

Which brings me to the belief that if a relationship is really solid then confessing isn't going to do more than, at worst, cause a difficult time for while.

It can be a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" problem in trust. Allowing yourself to be trusted when you know you're not trustworthy (having cheated) is a problem. Not being trustworthy by continuing to hide the truth is the other side of the coin. So having cheated, the act of trying to reestablish the trust by confessing (to prove you're now trustworthy about not hiding things) can turn things upside down if your partner doesn't see your confession the same way you do. And of course, the longer you wait to confess, the bigger the charge of "violating trust" becomes if your partner doesn't see your confession the same way you do.

To decide if confession is worse than hiding, you have to see how your partner will view the confession. My assertion is that when the relationship is solid, the partner will accept the confession. When the relationship is in trouble, the confession can rip off the "things are good" veneer to expose suppressed or hidden problems.

If you're living well with your partner but not truly in love anymore, then confession is bad unless you both want to rebuild a loving together (as opposed to a just living together) relationship. If you feel the need to confess, do it during a marriage encounter weekend or while in couples counseling so the focus will be on the future, not the past.

Personally, the greatest temptation to cheat is the belief that my SO would make a valiant attempt to understand, accept, forgive, and keep loving. That brings the cost down to where it may not be enough of a deterrent.

Very nicely said and understandable........you made me look at it a little differently than before.....
 
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