How am I supposed to know

[Suzins]

I'm 32 year old single parent. I haven't been intimate or even so much as kissed a man in over 8 years. I have recently found somebody whom I am attracted to....but he's somebody I work with. I have created a good friendship with this man (27 years old) for over a year, but am only just recently starting to have a keen interest in beginning a sexual relationship with him.

How can I tell if he's interested in pursuing something more than friendship? I tell you I'm clueless on picking up signals...always have been and as you can tell i'm out of practice (8 years!!!) How can I tell if he's having these same feelings without actually having to come right out and ask? There has to be a way. I have never posted anything on a message board before...so can you tell that i'm grasping at straws here? Any help anybody can be would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!!!

 

[lost]

The only way I know is to have an honest discussion with him.

 

[Semler]

I think you should just flat out tell him you are interested in seeing him outside the workplace. Trust me, guys can be just as clueless at picking up the signals.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Just ask him

out to dinner. See where it goes from there. Granted guys can be thick and not see the signs. So don't be offended if he says something like " I never knew you were interested" Or " I have never really though about us that way". This is not because he isn't interested it is because he works with you. Guys are distracted enough that they often have to put "blinders" on at work so as not to get distracted more. Good luck and let us all know how it goes!

Holden

 

[xx_La_Reina_xx]

I agree with the advise given so far. With men, sometimes you just have to be blunt and spell things out for them. Beating around the bush and hinting at things can often just lead to frustration.

Maybe you could start things by simply asking him if he would like to get a cup of coffee or something along those lines after work one day. A light, non-pressured conversation is a great way to test the waters and see if there is something there worth persuing...

 

[SexyChele]

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't do the whole big communication thing. Yes, men can be clueless sometimes. But I've yet to meet a man who, when truly attracted to a woman, didn't find some way to let her know. It could be he is shy and not certain how to approach, though.

I wouldn't ask him to dinner or anything too heavy. I'd suggest meeting him for coffee or a drink after work - especially if you can get a small group together. Maybe suggest lunch at a deli or something.

Keep it light and friendly, but try to take it away from the workplace. If you ask him to meet you for a drink or coffee, and he can't see that you might be interested in you, then, 1. he's really, really dense and do you truly want to deal this, or 2. he's not interested and simply doesn't know how to tell you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[lilpriss]

I agree with SexyChele, because if there's no interest you still have to work together. Depending on how closely you work and how resilient you are you will more than likely want to save face... just in case.

You could try and bait the guy... like lightly mention your single plight and ask if he's interested in helping you out of this situation... depending on how outgoing you are this would definitely open a door. If he isn't interested he can offer to set you up with his friends and if he's interested he'll figure out how to let you know.

Personally, I have a policy to NEVER date anyone from work... because if you don't end up married you still have to work together... and someone usually ends up having to get another job.

So he may very well be lusting after you but isn't doing a damn thing about it and doesn' t plan on it.

 

[Chuckwrox]

Nothing risked, nothing gained. Live a little.

 

[millieteases]

Lots of interesting advice. I tend to disagree with much of it based on personal experience.

Never date anyone you work with. Ever.

First there all the complications that might happen if you break up and still have to work together. Second, there is the potential sexual harrassment issue.

You're better off finding someone at church, through a friend, at a class or any of the other traditional ways. And then there's always the internet - where I met my wonderful spouse.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

 

[SXCRgirl]

I too am wary about workplace romances. Why? Because it has the potential to be messy and painful in the long run if it doesn't work.

However, if you're really interested in this guy, ask him out for coffee. Don't go the *serious* route first. Or, if there's an office party or gathering, since the holidays are coming up, hang out with him there and see where it takes you. It's always easy enough to say after attending the office party, hey, want to grab a coffee?

I do agree with Chele. Even if the man is not going to pursue it, he will always let you know that he's interested. But it could be that he's shy and perhaps values your friendship. He probably feels that you're uncertain about the whole dating thing and doesn't want to pressure you. Either way, take it slow and see where it goes.

 

[Suzins]

Thanks everybody

This was the first time I have ever used a message board...thanks to everybody who replied to make this a positive experience. I see where everybody is coming from with the "work place romance", but I can honestly say that I really don't get an opportunity to meet single men. Even at work there are very slim pickin's. All my friends are married as are their friends.

I always seem to need a certain level of trust with a partner (maybe that's why it's been over 8 years since my last encounter) and other than getting to know somebody really well first....which seems to create the problem of being a really good friend, or my favorite "Just one of the guys".

Even if I never pursue anything with the guy at work, how can I change this pattern in my relationships with men? Don't get me wrong I love having friends....but I am seriously feeling like i'm missing out on the big picture here.

 

[gaigirl]

Drawing new men into your life

Even if I never pursue anything with the guy at work, how can I change this pattern in my relationships with men?

When I was a single mom about your age, I ran a couple of ads in local newpapers' personal sections, where there were lots of singles seeking partners. Write the ad within your own boundries and limitations. Look to attract a man who has similar interests/hobbies or values, and start from there. You will get some responses that you don't even have to respond to-- you can do your own weeding-- just contact the 'flowers' and feel in control of your situation.

I was very lucky in the personals. If someone responds and you are interested, meet in a public place, such as a coffee shop or a museum, etc. and go as slowly as you need to feel comfortable.

Good luck to you. It's time to get on with your life, and move forward. Take charge of your own success.

 

[gimmeadaiquiri]

First step: Definitely ask him for a non-romantic out of workplace thing. Men are more susceptible to hints in a social situation than at work, but that way there's no pressure.

 

[deyv]

Ask the guy to help you do something around the house, hang some pictures, move some furniture or something, or simple yard work, because we guys love to feel needed. And make a day out of it... when the work is done... go grab a bite to eat, or maybe order a pizza.

I'm a guy, and this worked on me. I admit that I can be thick headed - I think I lack that gene that tells most guys when a cool girl is interested - so I just about have to be hit over the head.

After we got together, we talked about it and her asking me to help her do stuff was a set-up. It worked for both of us - but if her set-up had not worked then she would have been spared the weird awkwardness that could ensued had she had been straight forward with me. Plus doing stuff out of work gave both of us a chance to see what the other person was like 'in their own environment'.

We probably would have had a great life if we weren't both in the service and got transferred to different parts of the world.


Good luck

 

[casuallysweet]

Ask the guy to help you do something around the house, hang some pictures, move some furniture or something, or simple yard work, because we guys love to feel needed. And make a day out of it... when the work is done... go grab a bite to eat, or maybe order a pizza.

I'm a guy, and this worked on me. I admit that I can be thick headed - I think I lack that gene that tells most guys when a cool girl is interested - so I just about have to be hit over the head.

After we got together, we talked about it and her asking me to help her do stuff was a set-up. It worked for both of us - but if her set-up had not worked then she would have been spared the weird awkwardness that could ensued had she had been straight forward with me. Plus doing stuff out of work gave both of us a chance to see what the other person was like 'in their own environment'.

We probably would have had a great life if we weren't both in the service and got transferred to different parts of the world.


Good luck

oh!!! I like that idea...very very good. too bad I still live with my parents...hmmm

 

[PunkGrrl18]

flirt a little, if he flirts back, than bring it up in a conversation or something

 

[Lust Engine]

Re: Thanks everybody

This was the first time I have ever used a message board...thanks to everybody who replied to make this a positive experience. I see where everybody is coming from with the "work place romance", but I can honestly say that I really don't get an opportunity to meet single men. Even at work there are very slim pickin's. All my friends are married as are their friends.

Even if I never pursue anything with the guy at work, how can I change this pattern in my relationships with men? Don't get me wrong I love having friends....but I am seriously feeling like i'm missing out on the big picture here.

First off, I'm glad these message boards are giving you some great advice! Kudos to the rest of the Lit lot here with the great advice...as usual!

As far as your opportunities to meet single men, it might be time to expand your horizons beyond work a bit. Could it be time to take a class at the local college? Perhaps the YMCA, which is much less intimidating than the local Vic Tanny, for working out? There are all kinds of adult education possibilities in the area. Try watercolors at the local art association. Tackle something you've never tried before! Take a chance!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Going to these social events also gives you a topic to use as an icebreaker. It starts off with something in common and builds from there. Great communication is and always will be the key.

You seem like a straight forward & upstanding kinda person. No need to be shy. I can understand some of the hesitancy toward a co-worker situation and that's something you might have to weigh on your own. It is fraught with complications but keep tabs on him; maybe one day you'll move on with the job or he might. Then it could be ripe time!

The best of luck to ya!