Betticus
FigDaddy!
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2004
- Posts
- 12,240
Your Birthday Today
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.
