Honest and forthright revue please

[Bibliodrak]

I am brand new at this and I have just written my first sex scene. I know that there are going to have been rough spots and ways I could have done better. I was hoping someone or even some many might be able to help me out with some pointers. While I have been an avid reader from a very young age I have never been much of a writer, not even email or letters. So since I have looked around at the most of the different areas of lit I thought that this might be the best place to go to get something more than just gushing praise (although that isn't completely unwanted just give me ways to earn more also)
Thank You

Oh yah here is the link

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=14367342#post14367342

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Hey it worked!
(first time making a link here)

 

[Cathleen]

Isis was on top, again. Again and again she had started her "play" with the words "So would you like to...?" Suthiel had had enough, the trick to dealing with those who can mentally control you was to not allow them to control themselves, and Suthiel had had enough.

Suddenly Suthiel surged up and over onto Isis at the same time his cock thrust inside of her and his mouth captured hers, roughly demandingly coaxing her moans and cries. Continuosly varying his angle of attack he laid claim to the depths of Isis's pussy pounding a relentless beat, grinding against her clit. While his tongue danced the Rhomba between her teeth and his hands ever so gently tweaked and caressed her breasts the disparity in sensations bringing her climax suddenly and completely leaving her limp and exhausted.

Suthiel was not finished. He allowed her just enough time to collapse and let her eyes slip closed when he began again this time crawling down and starting from her toes he licked nipped and kneaded each and every square inch of her feet, and legs paying special attention to just below the ball of the foot, the curves of the achilles tendon the inside of the knee going back and redoing the insides of the toes jumping up to her left shoulder in the hollow at the base of her neck up under her jaw around to her left ear down to the underside of her right breast again and agin finding new sensitive wonderful places the Isis had never been the fortunate recipient of, but never touching any of her overt erogenous spots, no sucking on the nipples, no fingering of of her mound of venus, no swirling of her clitorus, not even stretching her clitoral hood up and back no Suthiel was making a road map for himself paying special attention where she responded best but avoiding areas that he already knew about. Once, twice, three times Isis attempted to catch him up on her control but each time Suthiel showed her another new place of sensitivity completely destroying any chance of her regaining any concentraion let alone any dominance. After what felt like hours to Isis Suthiel rolled her over and began again on her back, his heavy prick weighing on her firm ass slipping down slowly as he descended from the back of her neck to her shoulder blades. With complete surprise she felt him thrust once more into her, but this time he didn't move just sat there completely filling her from her lips all the down to her cervix, slowly she felt another new sensation, vibrating, even shaking quickly causing her lusts to peak once again this time even greater than the last.

"Now you know where the term 'the earth moved' came from dearie." Suthiel mentioned as her got dressed and left the woman in her bed completely unconscious.

I'm glad you are taking the risk of asking for opinions. You might also want to post this in the author's forum(s), just a thought. Also, I have no experience with the SRP forum other then reading a few threads a few times - just to let you know. I didn't read any other post on that thread so if your post was in response to another then I'm lost. OK, that said...

The first thing that jumped to me was your sentences are far too long. I noted the above in bold navy as the longest I noticed. I lost total track of what he was doing. He started at her toes and feet, then he was at the knee, back to the toes, up to the neck... I lost interest to be honest. Sentences matter. You have to give readers a break, sentences need to be clear.

Sentences build one after the other and make a paragraph. Use those grammar skills. In my opinion spelling counts when writing stories or scenes such as you have done, double check (nothing is ever perfect but a double check is a good thing).

It is especially tough reading on a computer screen so keep that in mind too. You want to keep your reader interested and reading. There are some excellent resources here at Lit., many writers have taken the time to write essays about good writing skills. (Link here - the second section is Resources. There are some great things there, check it out.)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/index.php

Once, twice, three times Isis attempted to catch him up on her control but each time Suthiel showed her another new place of sensitivity completely destroying any chance of her regaining any concentraion let alone any dominance.

I also had a difficult time with the messages you were conveying. He wanted to show her he was in control, maybe some more development of actions, thoughts and emotions might have helped me. I tend to write more on the thoughts and emotions more then the action, so that's a personal bias. (Also I don't understand the phase 'catch him up'.)

Honestly, I had a hard time reading it mostly because of the structure and grammer. The characters actions were choppy to me, I kept having to go back and read to follow the action. Again, that is where sentences help.

It's great you're giving writing a try, if we never attempt then we'll never know. Keep up the enthusiam and good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Cate gave you excellent advice, ideas, and covered most of my thoughts. Here are a few more for future writing, though some of them may be my personal preference as a reader:

Isis was on top, again. Again and again [Find synonyms, even something like 'Over and over' so you're not repeating] she had started her "play" with the words "So would you like to...?" Suthiel had had enough, the trick to dealing with those who can mentally control you was to not allow them to control themselves, and Suthiel had had enough. [Repeating 'Suthiel had had enough' and the switch between third and second person doesn't flow]

Suddenly Suthiel surged up and over onto Isis at the same time his cock thrust inside of her and his mouth captured hers, roughly demandingly [2 adverbs like this is hard to read. I like your description, but take care not to go overboard.] coaxing her moans and cries. Continuosly varying his angle of attack he laid claim to the depths of Isis's pussy pounding a relentless beat, grinding against her clit. While his tongue danced the Rhomba between her teeth and his hands ever so gently tweaked and caressed her breasts the disparity in sensations bringing her climax suddenly and completely leaving her limp and exhausted. [COMMAS!!! You really need to use commas in addition to breaking up sentences. Read through aloud with inflection, and insert commas where you naturally break or take a breath. Then, read again, pausing where you've put the commas and periods to make sure it sounds good/the placement is correct. I'll put them in the next paragraph in brackets as an example.]

Suthiel was not finished. He allowed her just enough time to collapse and let her eyes slip closed when he began again[, though you really need to break these sentences] this time crawling down and starting from her toes[,] he licked[,] nipped[,] and kneaded each and every square inch of her feet,[no comma needed here] and legs[,] paying special attention to just below the ball of the foot, the curves of the achilles tendon[,] the inside of the knee[,] going back and redoing the insides of the toes[,] jumping up to her left shoulder in the hollow at the base of her neck[,] up under her jaw[,] around to her left ear[,] down to the underside of her right breast[,] again and agin finding new sensitive wonderful places the Isis had never been the fortunate recipient of, but never touching any of her overt erogenous spots,[;] no sucking on the nipples, no fingering of of her mound of venus, no swirling of her clitorus, not even stretching her clitoral hood up and back[.] no[,] Suthiel was making a road map for himself[,] paying special attention where she responded best[,] but avoiding areas that he already knew about. Once, twice, three times Isis attempted to catch him up on her control[,] but each time Suthiel showed her another new place of sensitivity[,] completely destroying any chance of her regaining any concentraion[,] let alone any dominance. After what felt like hours to Isis[,] Suthiel rolled her over and began again on her back, his heavy prick weighing on her firm ass[,] slipping down slowly as he descended from the back of her neck to her shoulder blades. With complete surprise[,] she felt him thrust once more into her, but this time he didn't move[, or ; he] just sat there completely filling her from her lips all the down to her cervix, [.] slowly[,] she felt another new sensation, vibrating, even shaking[,] quickly causing her lusts to peak once again[,] this time even greater than the last.

"Now you know where the term 'the earth moved' came from dearie[capitalize].[, not a period]" Suthiel mentioned as her got dressed and left the woman in her bed completely unconscious.

So, overall I think your description and content is good, but the structure, punctuation, overuse/repeat of words, spelling, and sometimes lack of clarity overshadow the piece. You clearly have a wonderful imagination, and I know the technical aspects often go by the wayside when I'm trying to get my thoughts down. Lots of proofreading and editing is helpful for me, and it's also great to have other eyes take a look. If you're planning on stories, you may want to get into the authors sections of the board more, and even hook up with a volunteer editor.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Your sentence structure is long and should be broken up. It has a tendency to lose the message from the beginning of the sentence by the time the reader gets to the end. I'm guilty of the same thing, if its any consolation. The same things goes for your paragraphs. They need to be broken up to increase the ease of reading.

 

[Bibliodrak]

Thank You!

This was exactly the sorts of replies I was looking for! I knew grammar was one of my weaknesses. Having all of you point it out so succinctly, has really helped.

Cathleen
Thank you for showing me this sentence. I knew I had some long ones. I had tried to go back to fix them but obviously failed with this one.

He allowed her just enough time to collapse and let her eyes slip closed when he began again this time crawling down and starting from her toes he licked nipped and kneaded each and every square inch of her feet, and legs paying special attention to just below the ball of the foot, the curves of the achilles tendon the inside of the knee going back and redoing the insides of the toes jumping up to her left shoulder in the hollow at the base of her neck up under her jaw around to her left ear down to the underside of her right breast again and agin finding new sensitive wonderful places the Isis had never been the fortunate recipient of, but never touching any of her overt erogenous spots, no sucking on the nipples, no fingering of of her mound of venus, no swirling of her clitorus, not even stretching her clitoral hood up and back no Suthiel was making a road map for himself paying special attention where she responded best but avoiding areas that he already knew about.

SweetErika
Having you point out all those comma errors is enough to make me flinch. I actually had thought I was doing fairly well with them. Which makes me even more appreciative that you let me know about the problem. The compliments were nice, I do take a little pride that my readers knew what was going on, even if they did have to wade through some incredibly bad grammar to get to it.

and CorsetLvr
Knowing others have the same struggles helps alot.

So Thank You all for giving me some insights into how I can work to fix my writing, and I will take a look at the authors threads