busybody..
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A Selection Of Holiday
Parody And Satire
12-11-02
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
By Harvey Ehrlich
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves;"
"Vertically Challenged," they were calling themselves...
And labor conditions at the north pole?
They were alleged by the union to stifle the soul!
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety:
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
Equal employment had made it quite clear;
Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet, and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs...
And you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh.
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened;
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for the use of his nose.
(He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation;
Demanding millions in over-due compensation!)
So half of the reindeer were gone--along with Santa's wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life!
She joined a self-help group and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now that on her title be "Ms."
And as for the gifts, why, Santa ne'er had a notion,
That making a choice could cause so much commotion:
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur;
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her;
Nothing that might be construed to pollute;
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot;
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise;
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys;
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific;
Nothing that's warlike, or non-pacific;
No candy or sweets (they were bad for the tooth);
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth...
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie dolls--better off hidden:
They raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt!
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would just rot your brain away.
So Santa stood there, disheveled and perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what he'd do next.
He tried to be merry, and tried to be gay,
But ... you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, and limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was within to be found.
Something was needed -- a gift that he might,
Give to all, without angering the left or the right:
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, holding every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...
Even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.
It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as
this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests,
comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should
be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!
***********************
The Night Before Christmas (Stealth)
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
********************
The Night Before Christmas 2002
'Twas the night before Christmas, and in the White House,
G Dubya was laughing, along with his spouse;
Cause Muslims were hanging like ducks in a row.
"Won't daddy be proud of this wonderful show?"
The Bush kids were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of gas chambers danced in their heads;
And Barb in her 'kerchief and dad with his sneer
Had brought blow for Junior to snort with his beer
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter
Away to the window they ran like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a crowd of the homeless, without blow or beer.
And a little old lady, with dirt in her hair;
They knew in a moment she was on welfare.
More rapid than eagles Secret Servicemen ran,
And threatened the homeless with time in the can.
"Now, sod off! Now, get lost! Now, piss off and shoo!
Begone scum! You're pond scum! You all smell like poo!
Get away from us now, or hands on the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
"But we just want our jobs, and to ask what's the deal.
Cause you cut off our welfare. do you know how we feel?
One million lose welfare on this Christmas year,
While Dubya pays bonus to those he holds dear"
And then, in a twinkling, they saw on the wall
A sniper with rifle take aim at them all
"Leave now you poor people, or you'll force us to shoot!"
"But we're dead broke in winter! To kill us is moot!"
They were dressed all in rags, their raiment in tatters;
"All we want is to tell you 'bout what really matters.
Do you see what you've done to the poor and the weak?
All of this so Dick Cheney can wet his fat beak?"
Their eyes burned with fire, their lips taut with grief;
"All we ask is for Dubya to give some relief
To the millions of jobless and homeless and weak
That he's put on the streets in the last hundred weeks"
Then out came G Dubya, all giggles and grins,
On his head was a crown fat as Richard Perle's chin.
"Now, now, you poor people, please don't be so mad,
I know times are tough, but this isn't so bad."
"It could be much worse", said King George with a smirk
"I have presents for you, so don't be such jerks."
"Just to show that you've got a Fuhrer who cares,"
"Each of you gets options to buy Enron shares!"
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And pulled out his cocaine for a bump. what a jerk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a snort, and a Dictator pose;
He left for the House, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
A Selection Of Holiday
Parody And Satire
12-11-02
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
By Harvey Ehrlich
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves;"
"Vertically Challenged," they were calling themselves...
And labor conditions at the north pole?
They were alleged by the union to stifle the soul!
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety:
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
Equal employment had made it quite clear;
Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet, and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs...
And you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh.
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened;
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for the use of his nose.
(He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation;
Demanding millions in over-due compensation!)
So half of the reindeer were gone--along with Santa's wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life!
She joined a self-help group and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now that on her title be "Ms."
And as for the gifts, why, Santa ne'er had a notion,
That making a choice could cause so much commotion:
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur;
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her;
Nothing that might be construed to pollute;
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot;
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise;
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys;
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific;
Nothing that's warlike, or non-pacific;
No candy or sweets (they were bad for the tooth);
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth...
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie dolls--better off hidden:
They raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt!
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would just rot your brain away.
So Santa stood there, disheveled and perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what he'd do next.
He tried to be merry, and tried to be gay,
But ... you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, and limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was within to be found.
Something was needed -- a gift that he might,
Give to all, without angering the left or the right:
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, holding every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...
Even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.
It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as
this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests,
comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should
be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!
***********************
The Night Before Christmas (Stealth)
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
********************
The Night Before Christmas 2002
'Twas the night before Christmas, and in the White House,
G Dubya was laughing, along with his spouse;
Cause Muslims were hanging like ducks in a row.
"Won't daddy be proud of this wonderful show?"
The Bush kids were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of gas chambers danced in their heads;
And Barb in her 'kerchief and dad with his sneer
Had brought blow for Junior to snort with his beer
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter
Away to the window they ran like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a crowd of the homeless, without blow or beer.
And a little old lady, with dirt in her hair;
They knew in a moment she was on welfare.
More rapid than eagles Secret Servicemen ran,
And threatened the homeless with time in the can.
"Now, sod off! Now, get lost! Now, piss off and shoo!
Begone scum! You're pond scum! You all smell like poo!
Get away from us now, or hands on the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
"But we just want our jobs, and to ask what's the deal.
Cause you cut off our welfare. do you know how we feel?
One million lose welfare on this Christmas year,
While Dubya pays bonus to those he holds dear"
And then, in a twinkling, they saw on the wall
A sniper with rifle take aim at them all
"Leave now you poor people, or you'll force us to shoot!"
"But we're dead broke in winter! To kill us is moot!"
They were dressed all in rags, their raiment in tatters;
"All we want is to tell you 'bout what really matters.
Do you see what you've done to the poor and the weak?
All of this so Dick Cheney can wet his fat beak?"
Their eyes burned with fire, their lips taut with grief;
"All we ask is for Dubya to give some relief
To the millions of jobless and homeless and weak
That he's put on the streets in the last hundred weeks"
Then out came G Dubya, all giggles and grins,
On his head was a crown fat as Richard Perle's chin.
"Now, now, you poor people, please don't be so mad,
I know times are tough, but this isn't so bad."
"It could be much worse", said King George with a smirk
"I have presents for you, so don't be such jerks."
"Just to show that you've got a Fuhrer who cares,"
"Each of you gets options to buy Enron shares!"
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And pulled out his cocaine for a bump. what a jerk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a snort, and a Dictator pose;
He left for the House, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
