Hmmm - I'm confused, and could use a little advice...

[zhukov1943]

Hi, guys. I've been mulling this over all morning, and I'm just not sure what to do...

A few months back, I was hanging out with some friends of mine (Judd and Heather) when another of their friends, a lovely girl named "Julie", showed up at the same bar. I ended up getting into a long, involved conversation with her, and had a wonderful time. She mentioned having a boyfriend, so I didn't think anything more about it.

Heather noticed how well we'd hit it off, and said that she wished that Julie and I were a couple - that her boyfriend was a jerk that cheated on her.

I was hanging out with Judd and Heather again last night, and ran into Julie and her boyfriend again - and again, Julie and I hit it off to the point that her boyfriend laughed and excused himself to the other side of the table, because we were totally focusing on each other in the conversation.

Not sure if this was the same boyfriend, but when we moved to another bar, I made sure to sit at the opposite end of the table from Julie to avoid any suggestion of impropriety. I ended up sitting next to her boyfriend, and we also ended up hitting it off really well.

What shocked me was that at one point in the conversation, he looked at me and said "I understand you're interested in somebody sitting at the table." I tried to play it off, but he said "No, it's okay. I think you need to let her know." He then went on to tell me that he'd fallen in love with somebody else, and I think he mentioned that she'd gotten close to somebody else, too (I was drunk, confused, and a bit embarassed at this point, so I'm not sure...)

So now I find myself in a totally unexpected situation. I am indeed VERY attracted to this girl, and have essentially been "green-lighted" by the guy that she thinks is her boyfriend. However, I have a nagging suspicion that I'm being used as "bait" so that he won't feel guilty about breaking up with her to pursue his "true love". Also, I have no idea whether she really knows the true situation with this guy - and having me come up and say "um, yeah, uh, I know you're living with your boyfriend, but, um, you wanna go out sometime" probably wouldn't be the best way for her to find out about it...

Oy - has anyone else ever had any kind of experience with this sort of thing? What in the world should I do?

 

[HerVeryOwn]

If he wasn't involved, what would you do?
Would you be doing what you really want?
Are his motivations really that important?

Best thing is to get him to put his cards on the table with her, and do what you want to do.

 

[dollface007]

I'm one of those people who HATES drama in my life. When things happen like this and relationships start getting really complicated and convoluted, my first reaction is to run. It's such a big waste of energy, and I want to surround myself with people who live lives of relative honesty and integrity.

Is this worth the time, energy, drama, and possibly getting mixed up with sketchy people (i.e., the "boyfriend")? If it were me, I would at least wait until they were officially broken up to make a big move.

 

[zhukov1943]

I'm one of those people who HATES drama in my life. When things happen like this and relationships start getting really complicated and convoluted, my first reaction is to run. It's such a big waste of energy, and I want to surround myself with people who live lives of relative honesty and integrity.

Is this worth the time, energy, drama, and possibly getting mixed up with sketchy people (i.e., the "boyfriend")? If it were me, I would at least wait until they were officially broken up to make a big move.

Agreed - I can't stand drama, either.

If she weren't so pretty, smart, and funny, I wouldn't even consider getting into this emotional morass...

Hmmm - maybe I'll pump Heather for some more info on what's really going on...

 

[Bobmi357]

You've been sorta greenlighted by the boyfriend. However in his own way he's given you a toehold to broach the subject.

Call her and say "You know, I had the wierdest conversation with your boyfriend last night....", then relate the whole tale. End the story by telling her you're really attracted to her, but dislike the high school melodrama of "Does she like me? Doesn't she like me?".

See what her reaction is, and where you two can go from there.

 

[zhukov1943]

You've been sorta greenlighted by the boyfriend. However in his own way he's given you a toehold to broach the subject.

Call her and say "You know, I had the wierdest conversation with your boyfriend last night....", then relate the whole tale. End the story by telling her you're really attracted to her, but dislike the high school melodrama of "Does she like me? Doesn't she like me?".

See what her reaction is, and where you two can go from there.

Wow - I dunno if I've got the balls for the "direct approach". What if he denies everything? She'll think I'm a total nut-case!

 

[Cathleen]

The fact that they are living together is stopping me in my tracks here. The boyfriend sure sounds duplicitious but I'm not sure I'd get involved until they aren't living together - that is a big problem for me.

Perhaps you will continue to 'run into her' with your activities and since you have Heather and Judd as common friends maybe they can help keep those accidental meetings happening - sometimes without the boyfriend.

It certainly is interesting Zhukov but that's life!

 

[Cathleen]

Wow - I dunno if I've got the balls for the "direct approach". What if he denies everything? She'll think I'm a total nut-case!

Oh heck we're all nut-cases! Play it as a strength.. LOL

 

[zhukov1943]

...Perhaps you will continue to 'run into her' with your activities and since you have Heather and Judd as common friends maybe they can help keep those accidental meetings happening - sometimes without the boyfriend.

Yeah - I think that's probably the best way to proceed. Wait and see...

 

[Bobmi357]

Wow - I dunno if I've got the balls for the "direct approach". What if he denies everything? She'll think I'm a total nut-case!

Not really. You can always remind her that he was fairly drunk the night of the conversation.

The problem with playing the wait and see game is you're relying on chance. Chance is a very finicky mistress that often doesn't come up in your favor.

You can do nothing, just wait and see. And maybe something will happen, or maybe it won't.

You could call her and maybe she'll end up calling you a crazed stalker, or maybe she'll be receptive to your overtures.

The problem is, right now you're in limbo. If you don't make your feelings known and she's really on the outs with her boyfriend, your inaction could cause her to go elsewhere.

Take a chance, you only go around once in life and playing it safe rarely makes a winner.

 

[SexyChele]

I'm one of those people who HATES drama in my life. When things happen like this and relationships start getting really complicated and convoluted, my first reaction is to run. It's such a big waste of energy, and I want to surround myself with people who live lives of relative honesty and integrity.

Is this worth the time, energy, drama, and possibly getting mixed up with sketchy people (i.e., the "boyfriend")? If it were me, I would at least wait until they were officially broken up to make a big move.

Uh-uh, yup. This whole thing just smacks of drama.

Don't know that I would be sitting around every weekend waiting to see if this relationship ends, though. That would be foolish. Get out, mingle, stay friendly with this girl. Who knows? They may break up and you may luck out. Or, you might meet another woman who you get along with even better who is available and has no potential drama in her life.

Good luck!

 

[jacuzzigal]

Oh heck we're all nut-cases! Play it as a strength.. LOL

LOL. Cate, you inspire me to embrace my inner nut-case!

 

[babydoll2u]

LOL. Cate, you inspire me to embrace my inner nut-case!

sounds good to me!

 

[Cathleen]

LOL. Cate, you inspire me to embrace my inner nut-case!

Jazzy (I think I just gave you a nickname lol)..... make that nut-case an outtie not an innie!!

 

[Cathleen]

Yeah - I think that's probably the best way to proceed. Wait and see...

Zhukov what about not waiting too passively? Some subtle pushes wouldn't hurt either. Sometimes you do have to play your hand openly but you can do it in a friendly way.

 

[jacuzzigal]

Jazzy (I think I just gave you a nickname lol)..... make that nut-case an outtie not an innie!!

LOL. Will do.

(And I like the nickname!)

 

[fgarvb1]

Listen to your inner-self grasshopper!

You are hesitating because something is not right in all of this.

But what? That IS the question.

Getting some pussy is one thing and getting into a heavy relationship is another thing altogether.

If she is all that great why the strange goings on?

Find out more before you stick your foot into someones trap.

I know I'm a suspicious fucker, but getting fucked over a lot does that to a person.

 

[zhukov1943]

Listen to your inner-self grasshopper!

You are hesitating because something is not right in all of this.

But what? That IS the question.

Getting some pussy is one thing and getting into a heavy relationship is another thing altogether.

If she is all that great why the strange goings on?

Find out more before you stick your foot into someones trap.

I know I'm a suspicious fucker, but getting fucked over a lot does that to a person.

Agreed - after discussing the incident with a friend who's a recovering "playa", he laughed and said "he's just looking for a guilt-free breakup."

I'll just continue to enjoy her company when I get the opportunity, and see what happens!

 

[Denae]

Agreed - after discussing the incident with a friend who's a recovering "playa", he laughed and said "he's just looking for a guilt-free breakup."

I'll just continue to enjoy her company when I get the opportunity, and see what happens!

I think your recovered playa friend is right.

I wouldn't relay the conversation you had with her boyfriend to her.

Thankfully you have two common friends--let them know that you're really interested in her. I think the friends will be a big help when they see the roll of the dice on this one.

Good luck to you.

 

[GiveawayGirl]

Another consideration: Given that you don't know what is truly going on in her current relationship, do you want to put yourself in a situation where you become the comforting rebound when he ditches her? That may not be the best position to be in if you're thinking about a real relationship with her. You might be wiser to hang back and wait until she cleans up the fallout from her current boyfriend before you jump in.

 

[blue112]

just dont forget to eventually let the girl know your interested...
waiting back like this is probably right as is not telling her what her boyfriend said, the cowards totally looking for the guilt free break up where he doesnt have to hurt her but ya id take a step back from that drama either way, let shit hit the fan and then step in

 

[invisigirl]

Let you're friends know you are interested but not going to get involved while she's in a relationship. They might even pass it on to the boyfriend so he knows the ball is in his court. If you run into her again do some harmless flirting so she knows you like her. At least you know her boyfriend isn't going to get freaky about it.

Otherwise just hang back and don't hold your breath. You don't want to get into a messy situation unless it's messy in a fun way.

 

[CoolidgEffect]

So this boyfriend wants to use you to break up with his girlfriend. Interesting.

 

[Monazwx]

What a mess?!

Deep down, she must know that her man is cheating. The question is, is she waiting on him to dump her? Is she waiting to jump into a new relationship? Is she afraid of being lonely and won't let go? If she says that she doesn't know if her boyfriend is cheating on her, you may want to rethink getting into any relationship with her.

(BTW, the guy is total scum. If he really found his true love, he would have already dumped your girl by now, hurt feelings or not.)

Steer clear from this one, the situation is bound to turn volatile and it doesn't make sense for you to sit around waiting while it does. Live your life, while waiting for the other shoe to drop.