Hi, I'm new!

[ShyAzn]

Hello!

I have recently had my first story approved. Yay! I've had some positive comments, but no public comments. Criticism is welcome, although hopefully it'll be constructive.

I was concerened it was too plot-heavy, but I really wanted to give the characters some depth. Hopefully I succeeded.

Office Hours
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162019

Thanks in advance for any help!

 

[vargas111]

The ending was anticlimactic. <g> It should leave the reader wint more of a idea of just what she HAD gotten into.

 

[Varian P]

Hi, Shy.

I quite enjoyed your story. I found the interaction between Emily and her prof rather sexy from start to finish, and I will say the sex was working for me pretty well. I don’t quite agree with Vargas, in that I didn’t see the ending as anticlimactic, so much as it suggested that there was more to come for these two.

Here are a few comments on little things you might do to make the text flow a bit more easily and, perhaps, do a little more work for the goals of your story:

School, being an Resident Assistant or RA and work had simply all caught up to me.

Unless you’re going to throw out the “RA” thing repeatedly in the story, we don’t need to know the abbreviated grad student lingo, and you can just leave RA off, since it makes the sentence a bit unwieldy.

He enjoyed jogging and could occasionally be seen running around campus, whenever he needed a break from grading papers or exams. It also, of course, made him more visible to female undergraduates who would study outside in order to get a glimpse of him.

This is a good opportunity, not only to show an aspect of Larry, but of the narrator’s character as well. Since you’re doing 1st person narration, instead of vaguely saying “he could occasionally be seen…” you might say, “while walking across campus or reading on my favorite bench I’d often see Larry…” or maybe suggest that the narrator herself often deliberately studies or eats lunch on his known jogging path, hoping to catch sight of her hunky prof.

Unconsciously I ran my hands across the thighs of my jeans; my palms were sweating in response to my nervousness.

“…thighs of my jeans” doesn’t quite make sense—it’s Emily’s thighs, not the thighs of her jeans. And you probably don’t need to tell the reader why her palms are sweaty, since it’s easily understood from the context. Instead you might write,

“Unconsciously I ran my hands down my thighs, drying my sweaty palms on my jeans.”

I hope some of my comments are helpful to you.

-Varian

 

[ShyAzn]

The ending was anticlimactic. <g> It should leave the reader wint more of a idea of just what she HAD gotten into.

That was the point, actually. I've gotten comments and emails asking what's going to happen next, which is what I was going for. I was hoping that if this was received fairly well, I would feel more encouragement to write a sequel.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi, Shy.

I quite enjoyed your story. I found the interaction between Emily and her prof rather sexy from start to finish, and I will say the sex was working for me pretty well. I don’t quite agree with Vargas, in that I didn’t see the ending as anticlimactic, so much as it suggested that there was more to come for these two.

Yep! I thought I could have this as a one-shot, but I think there's more to this story. I'm glad you liked it. I was worried it was too plot-heavy, but I really wanted to give the characters reasons for what they did (although they may not be clear right away).

Here are a few comments on little things you might do to make the text flow a bit more easily and, perhaps, do a little more work for the goals of your story:

School, being an Resident Assistant or RA and work had simply all caught up to me.

Unless you’re going to throw out the “RA” thing repeatedly in the story, we don’t need to know the abbreviated grad student lingo, and you can just leave RA off, since it makes the sentence a bit unwieldy.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if I should add that in there or not, but I thought "Resident Assistant" was too long and not everyone would know or remember "RA". I thought it would be just a reflexive response on Emily's part, to break down unfamiliar things to the unitiated.

He enjoyed jogging and could occasionally be seen running around campus, whenever he needed a break from grading papers or exams. It also, of course, made him more visible to female undergraduates who would study outside in order to get a glimpse of him.

This is a good opportunity, not only to show an aspect of Larry, but of the narrator’s character as well. Since you’re doing 1st person narration, instead of vaguely saying “he could occasionally be seen…” you might say, “while walking across campus or reading on my favorite bench I’d often see Larry…” or maybe suggest that the narrator herself often deliberately studies or eats lunch on his known jogging path, hoping to catch sight of her hunky prof.

Well...this was hard to get across, but I want to show (eventually, perhaps), that despite her attraction, Emily would not admit to doing what her more eager classmates would do. That sentence in particular I just wanted to show that Larry was one rather popular prof.

Unconsciously I ran my hands across the thighs of my jeans; my palms were sweating in response to my nervousness.

“…thighs of my jeans” doesn’t quite make sense—it’s Emily’s thighs, not the thighs of her jeans. And you probably don’t need to tell the reader why her palms are sweaty, since it’s easily understood from the context. Instead you might write,

“Unconsciously I ran my hands down my thighs, drying my sweaty palms on my jeans.”

I hope some of my comments are helpful to you.

-Varian

I can't disagree, although I guess I was going for brevity, and I figured it'd give a nice visual.

Thank you so much for your comments. They were very helpful.

 

[SubtleDestroyer]

I really enjoyed your story, looking forward to a sequel. The biggest two things were the RA bit (already covered), and the ending:

"I said nothing for a few moments, gazing out the window. I contemplated the Boston skylight for a few moments before turning back to him."

That's a little cumbersome. You could use the second sentence to explore her thoughts a little further and eliminate repetition:

"I contemplated the Boston skylight, trying to sort out what had just happened, before turning back to him."

just a suggestion, I like your style!

 

[ShyAzn]

I really enjoyed your story, looking forward to a sequel. The biggest two things were the RA bit (already covered), and the ending:

"I said nothing for a few moments, gazing out the window. I contemplated the Boston skylight for a few moments before turning back to him."

That's a little cumbersome. You could use the second sentence to explore her thoughts a little further and eliminate repetition:

"I contemplated the Boston skylight, trying to sort out what had just happened, before turning back to him."

just a suggestion, I like your style!

Hmmm. I can see your point, but I guess I wanted to show the audience her uncertainty instead of telling them, which is what I feel your sentence does. However, I do agree that I probably could have edited those two into one.

Thank you for your comments!

 

[carsonshepherd]

"I said nothing for a few moments, gazing out the window. I contemplated the Boston skylight for a few moments before turning back to him."

That's a little cumbersome. You could use the second sentence to explore her thoughts a little further and eliminate repetition:

"I contemplated the Boston skylight, trying to sort out what had just happened, before turning back to him."

To be honest, I think the first sentence, the one you wrote, has better rhythm. I don't think it's cumbersome. The repetition seems natural and the sentence structure doesn't repeat itself. However, shouldn't it be skyline?

 

[SubtleDestroyer]

Hmmm. I can see your point, but I guess I wanted to show the audience her uncertainty instead of telling them, which is what I feel your sentence does. However, I do agree that I probably could have edited those two into one.

Thank you for your comments!

That's a good point. It was just a suggestion on my part, as I said, the story was really well done, and I'm just paranoid about using the same phrase more than once in a paragraph, so don't worry about that, unless you feel like tailoring your story to this fussy reader

Also, I agree with the poster right above me, your structure had a bit more rhythm to it than mine.

 

[ShyAzn]

To be honest, I think the first sentence, the one you wrote, has better rhythm. I don't think it's cumbersome. The repetition seems natural and the sentence structure doesn't repeat itself. However, shouldn't it be skyline?

Hahaha. Yes. The skylight is the window that's in the ceiling, isn't it? Whoops! I had my story edited from one of volunteer editors, but I probably should have had this workshopped prior to submission.

Man, all these little errors! I'm gonna go crazy! :rollyes:

Thank you very much for your comments and pointing out the mistake.

EDIT: This brings up a newbie question: Are edits accepted for minor changes, ie. words or perhaps a sentence or two? Or would that be considered wrong/time-consuming/etc. for the site?
Thanks!

 

[carsonshepherd]

EDIT: This brings up a newbie question: Are edits accepted for minor changes, ie. words or perhaps a sentence or two? Or would that be considered wrong/time-consuming/etc. for the site?


Sure, but what's the point? I did the same thing: put east coast instead of west coast in the very first sentence of my story. I didn't even notice until someone wrote me an anonymous feedback pointing it out - I felt so stupid. But... I decided to just move on. However, if you're obsessing over it like I did, you might want to just go ahead and change it. That way you won't cringe every time you think about it. Also - a note: make sure you check your submissions! I friend of mine didn't read hers over and something very embarrassing was unintentionally pasted into the text.

 

[ShyAzn]

EDIT: This brings up a newbie question: Are edits accepted for minor changes, ie. words or perhaps a sentence or two? Or would that be considered wrong/time-consuming/etc. for the site?


Sure, but what's the point? I did the same thing: put east coast instead of west coast in the very first sentence of my story. I didn't even notice until someone wrote me an anonymous feedback pointing it out - I felt so stupid. But... I decided to just move on. However, if you're obsessing over it like I did, you might want to just go ahead and change it. That way you won't cringe every time you think about it. Also - a note: make sure you check your submissions! I friend of mine didn't read hers over and something very embarrassing was unintentionally pasted into the text.

True. I think I'll be sure for my next submission I'll run it through here first. Thanks again!

 

[justatramp]

Well done but......