Hi all, newbie here!

[Sleepin'Beauty]

Actually I'm not just new here, I'm new to any kind of BDSM discussion, so I'll try my best not to say anything dumb, but please excuse me if I do! I have NO wish to offend anyone here.

I'm a 23 year old woman from the UK, and I've been fascinated by pain/pleasure and domination/submission for, well, as long as I can remember really! But I've never been able to experience any of my (many) fantasies in real life, and it's driving me a little crazy!! I love my boyfriend very, very much, and we have wonderful sex, but sometimes I long for more than "vanilla" sex. We've tried a little spanking, but he never goes as far as I want (need?) him to.

My question is, does anyone here have experience with getting a partner in touch with their kinky side? Or is it a lost cause trying to get someone into BDSM when they're not naturally drawn to it? I'm so confused, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I have such a deep need to be dominated and I'm scared that I'll never experience the things I dream of...

 

[Betticus]

Just hang on and be a little patient. This forum can be a little slow but you will get lots of good advice.

And Hello!

 

[FurryFury]

The question you ask is more complicated that you might think.

You can look in the library thread just above this one for the sections Check Lists, Exploring, Incompatibility, and 'Nilla. There have been quite a few threads on this subject already and it's one I am always interested in.

I have been trying to ease my husband in that direction for a while but he has no desire to be Dominant. Now if your husband/partner actually has a desire and you have offered him your submission to him on a silver platter, I think he will move on from there.

Here are a few things that might help.

When you've discussed it enough that he is willing, look up a BDSM inventory or checklist. Spend a night in which each of check off what you are interested in doing, what you are willing to do and how much interest you both have in said activity. This will give you tons to discuss. We found it very rewarding. You will see common areas and find surprises. It takes a while to do but it's worth it IMO.

Also discuss safe words with your guy. I think one big hang up with life partners is they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

Be sure he knows as much as you do about your current limits. If you get to play, your limits will change but you can't know how when or how this will occur until you get to play and try things.

If you are into pain. Call it sensation and NOT pain unless HE is clearly comfortable about being into giving you pain. If you have bruises or other lovely mementos later that you enjoy, don't talk about it still hurting unless you are sure he will be happy to have marked you and hurt you. (This can scare off men who don't want to hurt you.)

If he does something you don't consider to be what you want, remember you are putting him in charge, so tread gently unless he is going past your stated limits and/or ignoring your safe word. Men are so often like little boys, if you express the slightest dissatisfaction they will sulk and find a new game to play, possibly with a new toy. I hear men say things like, "She claims she wants me to be in charge but she won't tell me what that means." Or "She doesn't like what I do but she won't tell me what she does like."

This is an area in which communication is vital. You can't expect anyone to read your mind despite all the dreamy romantic books and movies to the contrary. You both have to be able to talk about sex in general and BDSM specifically.

If he does something you like, act like it and later shower him with praise. "Oh honey! I keep thinking about how you grabbed me the other night and just took me, doing what YOU wanted to and it makes me so happy, I'm dripping right now." Be honest though, you have to have really liked it and really be dripping. Make him feel and verify. *winks* Which brings us to...

Tease, tease, tease him. Don't let an opportunity go by in which you are not teasing him and making him simmer. Keep the anticipation up. Prime the pump.

Finally, talk and act like this is a great adventure you can talk together. It is. Each new activity is a wonderful ride. You might find you don't like the Tea Cups (figging). You might find you prefer the carousel (spanking). Whichever, just enjoy the rides as you both learn what you like.

One other note, just because you see him as dominant doesn't mean he sees himself that way. Be prepared for him to see himself differently. I also saw my husband as a dominant but in the bedroom he does not feel that way at all. Therefore we take turns. Sometimes he plays at being dominant for me. Sometimes I play at being dominant for him. Other times we are tired and just fuck.

So if you find out he is dominant in business and even at home but not in the bedroom you just might have to find a way to live with that and love him anyway. One good thing about my situation is that we each put the other person's needs before our own. Usually that's a good thing. Sometimes I wish we were both just a little bit more selfish though. All that may never become a concern of yours but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Also someone I respect who has more experience than answered a similar question to asked by lady recently who wanted to research BDSM for her husband. I'll pass along his words of wisdom to you because I think he has a very valid point here.

"I don't think you researching and organizing everything for him is going to necessarily have the effect you hope it might. Nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings and even pointing him in the right direction, but now is the time to use that feminine mystique."

He also said topping from the bottom and/or bottoming from the top satisfies no one. That is something to really think about.

Now that being said, the corner stone in any relationship should be communication. In a BDSM relationship that need for communication increases exponentially IMO. So that makes for a fine line to walk. It has to be walked though, I really believe that it does.

What you and your partner have to do now is find out what BDSM means to both of you.

Recently my husband reluctantly said he would try to Dom me if I ever let him know that I felt a great need for it.

I was touched by his offer but my Lord I've told him I do feel that need plenty of times.

Then he talked about how the kids would need to be out of the house and he wouldn't want to do it at a hotel room because of all the yelling.

Yelling???

I was suddenly terrified.

Yelling is not part of BDSM for me. For some it might be fine or even great I don't know but not for me. In fact, I finally realized recently that yelling is a pretty serious red button issue with tons of baggage for me. In other words I freak out even if he's only yelling about football. He never actually yells at me and I still freak out.

So we had to talk that out. I don't know how well we did talking it out yet but it will come up again.

We talk a lot more now since I began to explore BDSM. I feel much more secure even though I already did feel secure. I like me better now. I like us better now too but it's not effort free to work on things like this, you know?

Did I mention Akasha's, The Good Girl's Guide to Domination? I LOVE it!

http://www.akashaweb.com/women/index.html

Here are some other links that might help.

http://bondage.com/id/12/which/304/show_column.html

http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-lo...ory=VANILLA+TO+BDSM&view_records=View+Records

Some checklist links:

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bo...checklist.html

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html

http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage may vary.

Good luck on your journey.

Fury

 

[SubNebGuy]

I second the notion of hitting Akasha's good girl guide that Fury posted. It helped my wife kick off her dominant side.

The key to our style of BDSM (we're still new, and not looking for a lifestyle, more like a weekly tryst where I'm the bottom and she's the domme) is communication. I flat out told her "it really turns me on to be in the submissive role, some times".
we have a good marriage with plenty of communication, and dated for nearly 5 years before we got married (3 years ago)...so that helps a lot.

In the past, she was already reasonably comfortable with using plugs and vibrators on me occasionally while jerking me off (oh...that is getting me all hot n' bothered...), but for christmas this year she decided to get a strapon. We had one before, but rarely used it, and she was only 18 at that time. Now she's older, and let me tell you, that strapon has changed her, almost overnight. Prior to using it, she said "this is a special thing, so you can't be expecting it all the time ok?"
After using it (on christmas day), she's now of the opinion that once a week is fine, possibly more often than that!

Maybe your b/f just needs the same kind of 'trigger' to open up. It sounds like you want him to be dominant...shouldn't be hard since by default, men are supposed to fill that role.
What are you into? spanking is often a very easy 'bridge' into BDSM play. maybe you should get a small paddle spanker, wrap it up, dress up sexy and then give him his present.
Tell him you've been a naughty girl for not telling him about your desires sooner, then bend yourself over his knee. If you can wear a short skirt with a thong, so he can lift it up and really smack you, he may get into it a lot.
Then suck his dick like a good little girl, and see where it goes from there.

Moral: if you wanna be dominated, you won't be really happy in any relationship until that's fulfilled. Hopefully he's your man, but if not there's plenty of men out there to satisfy your needs.

 

[SubNebGuy]

I think she wants to be the one being spanked/dominated.

Good pic for me tho