Hey. First story...

[siclos]

Hey guys. My username is siclos, you can call me Micky though. I am the author of Truth or Dare Ch. 1. Well, this is my first submission. I am doing this (writing) as practice, so it is a hobby and a passion of mine. I have already gotten some great feedback from it and I thank you all very much for your kind words. Just wondering if there were any further thoughts or any suggestions. I am very open to constructive criticism. And if there is anything you wanna know about yours truly, just ask. I am an open book. Thanks everyone. Laters.

Here is the link to my story http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=243021
I am working on Ch.2 as we speak. Thank you all again for the feedback.

Micky

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Simple and straight to the point

Hi,
I enjoyed your story as it was easy to read. Think It would be even better if you did not put in the Ohhhhhhhhhh!. Iv'e got to be honest when I started writing I wanted to do this as well. Have put the odd one in my poems. Apparently it is not considered good writing to put Ohhhhh! or AAAAh! in stories. Still what the hell. It didnt spoil my reading of it. Cant wait for next chapter. I write kinky stories and hope you will read them, even though they might not be to your taste. Good luck
SISSY ADELE

 

[kbate]

Minor grammar issues;
-- sentence ending prepositions.
-- misused conjunctions

**

After a while, we all grew bolder. And before we knew it, we were all three naked (as we had been dared to remove all our clothing at some time during the game), and sitting in John's bedroom.

You do not need to say "we all" and 'we all three', the passive voice parenthetical description does not help the sentence, and was a bit offputting; the second sentence should not start with 'And' (falls under misused coordinate conjunctions).

***
Overall,
The story is ok, essentially a stroke story, without the sex, it is pretty short. The ending seems to be missing, even submitted as a chapter, the session should finish rather than end in mid-stream. I think with some experience you have potential as a Lit writer.

Well done, welcome to Lit.

 

[siclos]

Hey.

Thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate your help. Yeah, I realized that the Ohhhhs and Ahhhhhs seemed a bit tacky after about the second rewrite. I left them in as I was afraid that it would take away from the effect if I simply used 'Oh' or 'Ah'. But I do understand what you were saying. I am glad it was easy to read.
I was waiting for someone to point out the grammar problems. I thank you for your advice. It was very helpful. I see what you mean by how the chapter ended, or did not end, rather. I did it that way to sort of leave the audience hanging, wanting more or whatever. I do see how it would help if I gave it a stronger ending though.
Again thank you so much for your help. I greatly appreciate it! Keep the advice coming though.

Laters,
Micky

 

[sensorotika]

Feedback

Not bad, especially for a first attempt. You have real potential as a writer. There are a couple of punctuation errors, and I would suggest improving the dialogue in places, but really, overall, good job.

I also think the first chapter ends too abruptly, but I am looking forward to seeing more.

 

[bobocity]

Another view of your story

I thought your story was very good, but could have benefited from some more exposition at the front end. How did these three end up together? For that matter, what's the narrator's name?

One other point -- in the first para, it's almost like a laundry list of personal data. Age, hair, build, eyes, etc. You could space the exposition of all this throughout the story.

"I ran my hands through John Michael's thick dark hair, so different than Kirk's blond crewcut..." etc. etc.

Also, at some point, you could have had the roommates discuss whether this is a little weird, or whether truth or dare is something they should be playing at their age, or whatever.

I think there are a lot of encounters in this world that don't unfold like the stories you read here, where the most amazing things happen (in a night, someone gets busy with their two hot roommates), and the people involve just sorta shrug.

If I were one of this trio, at some point, I would have been saying "holy crap. How did we end up doing THIS?!"

Anyway, overall I thought the story was hot. Thanks.