Here is my story for disection

[kimmy69]

This is my first story I have had submitted to Literotica, and I would appreciate some critique on it, I now have two, but I always thought this one was better, but my other story has gotten way more hits then this one, please help me out if you can, I am new here, and love it here, TY

here is my link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57927

 

[Madame Manga]

--deleted--

 

[Chantal Marchon]

hmm, the sex is fun and the idea is great-- The biggest problems I see are the run-on sentences and the use of the word cum until it comes out your ears.

You could create a bit more anticiaption by playing up why she is meeting him at the airport and how they met in the first place. Dropping your reader into the middle of the airport is a little disconcerting.

Also, how he takes her standing up is great.

There was a lot of missing punctuation, which is a minor thing and one major problem that will nail a story everytime. As the couple left the airport and got into the car you changed tense. Past or present tense should be used but never both, however, that is easy to fix.


Also, I think the story could have been longer with other interesting items being taken out of the black bag. I felt that it was left hanging. One little toy and a paddle? Is that all?

Further, all dialogue must go into seperate paragraphs.

Your story is good but with some hard editing could be fantastic.

 

[Madame Manga]

This post got messed up the first time--here you go again!

That's got some heat, and plenty of good description. Flashes of vividness. I don't have a complete sense of the characters or their history, but I'm getting some indications.

For online reading, I prefer more breaks. I get lost in the middle of a twenty-sentence paragraph. I'm a fast skimmer, but I could not finish this story because of the formatting. As the previous reviewer said, there should be only one speaker in a paragraph.

I'm going to dissect one paragraph near the beginning for a few pointers. Your words in bold, mine in plain text. Rewritten sentences in color.

They walked towards each other, he says to her “My God baby, you look gorgeous”, she blushed as he took her in his arms.

Comma splice. I'm not an expert at regurgitating grammatical definitions, but this is a string of three independent clauses (complete sentences). These can't be joined with commas; use semicolons. (Like that.)

In this case, however, I think it would read better split into separate sentences.

They walked towards each other, their gazes still locked. "My God, baby, you look gorgeous," he said. As he took her in his arms, she averted her face, blushing.

This sentence also changes tense in the middle. I've corrected that in the example.

And in an instant he had his hand up her skirt, pushing her panties aside and thrust his fingers deep inside her cum soaked pussy.

Add a comma after the dependent clause. I omitted "cum" since no one has deposited any cum yet.

In an instant he slid his hand up her skirt, pushing her panties aside, and thrust his fingers deep into her soaked pussy.

Another possibility, which I prefer for its greater force:

In an instant he slid his hand up her skirt, pushing her panties aside and thrusting his fingers deep into her soaked pussy.

Quibble: they are in an airport. Wouldn't someone, uh, notice this precipitate act? ;-) Maybe you can let him get her into a corner behind a big potted plant, or let her wear a long coat that might conceal what he's doing. I'd like to know just where this is taking place; since no one's allowed to meet passengers at the gate any more, maybe she can meet him at the baggage claim. When the carousels are going around, everyone looks at them to spot their bags and might not notice something going on behind the backs of the crowd. That could be a good way to hide in plain sight!

Then as he pulls away from her, he licked his fingers and says, “Mmmmm…. Baby you taste better then I ever dreamed you would; let’s get out of here before I take you in front of all these people. Little did he know of the surprise she had in store for him?

Changing tenses again. Close the quotes once they have opened. No speech attribution is necessary, since it's obvious who is speaking. Comma after the address. Split the speech into two sentences so the reader can take a mental breath. (Try saying that whole speech aloud and see what I mean.) The last sentence does not need the question mark, but an ellipsis (...) may help create a sense of anticipation.

As he pulled away from her, he licked his fingers. "Mmm...baby, you taste better than I ever dreamed. Let's get out of here before I take you in front of all these people!"

Little did he know that she had a surprise in store...

Your POVs are mostly well sorted out, but sometimes change over in the middle of a paragraph. Cutting down paragraph length will help. However, as a reader, I don't care for rapidly switching POVs. Consider carefully if you genuinely need to tell the story from alternating perspectives. At this point, you might want to keep a short story like this one in only one person's head. That avoids confusion and aids focus, IMO.

I hope this critique is useful to you!

Regards, MM

 

[kimmy69]

story feedback

I just wanted to thank the two of you (Chantel and MM) your feedback has helped immensely, I will take all your remarks into consideration, and see what I can do to improve my stories, and those still to come, TY very much

 

[Madame Manga]

You're most welcome!

In point of fact, I'm working to improve my crit style! ;-)

MM