Her Orgasm: His Responsibility?

[CTYankee]

This question came up in another thread in another forum.

We were discussing upcoming "Steak and Blow Job Day" on 3/14, and I made the comment:

"This is one day where it's not *his* job to make *her* come." (Or words to that effect.)

Two women remarked that their past partners had never seen this as their responsibility, but "it would sure be sweet" or "if only that were the case".

Is it the man's job/responsibility to "make" his partner come?

Obviously the question isn't quite as simple as I've phrased it for the purposes of kicking off this discussion. I have lots of thoughts on the matter, but I'd like to hold those back for the moment until others have chimed in.

Discuss?

 

[JamieB]

Sorta

I don't like thinking of making a woman cum as a "job," but phraseology aside, yeah it sort of is on the guy. If you aren't trying to please her, you're just using her as a receptacle.

J

 

[emptynester]

Is it the man's job/responsibility to "make" his partner come?

I guess that would depend on the relationship. I am trying to look at this in more general terms than my own experience.

If you are in the relationship just for the sex, maybe it is not his responsibility. It seems that would be more to satisfy your own desire and not be as concerned with your partners needs.

Being in a monogamous relationship with my spouse, I would seriously be concerned if all he thought about was having his needs met. I think I would feel used.

In a long-term relationship (and again I am speaking in a marriage since that is all I can really relate too) I think it is his responsibility and hopefully his desire to want to find out what pleases me and do what it takes to get me there (and vice versa).

It is a huge turn on for me when I know I am doing something to him that takes him to the edge. I like knowing what I do makes him crazy with desire and pushes him to the limit.

The other side of that is when he puts my needs ahead of his and works toward pleasuring me instead of making it all about him. I think many women would agree that psychologically for us that in itself is a huge turn on.

I guess my final answer would be yes, but only speaking from my perspective and my personal relationship.

 

[CTYankee]

I don't like thinking of making a woman cum as a "job," but phraseology aside, yeah it sort of is on the guy. If you aren't trying to please her, you're just using her as a receptacle.

J

Thanks for pitching in, Jamie.

And thanks for not fixating on my admittedly imperfect phrasing.

I think everyone agrees that it's certainly desirable if both partners *do* come. I guess the distinction I'm trying to draw is a bit more subtle than that.

Let's take it as a given for the sake of this discussion that the man WANTS to please the woman and WANTS to see her reach orgasm.

How much of the responsibility for *assuring* her own orgasm lies with the woman herself? And how much of that responsibility is on the man's shoulders alone?

Is it unrealistic, for example, to hope that a woman might rub her own clit during intercourse, in order to assure that she gets where she wants to go? Or caresses (substitute rubs, pinches, pulls, whatever . . .) her own nipples, if that would help her along? Or at a minimum, that she articulate this desire?

I've heard numerous women express that "the man should know what I want", and/or that it's BETTER for them if they don't have to say what might feel good to them at the moment. "He should just KNOW", they say.

And quite honestly, throughout all of my 35+ years of sexual activity, I've believed deep down that it's incumbent on *me* to "make" my partner come -- that if she doesn't, the failure is *mine*.

Does the woman not bear at least *some* responsibility here?

 

[CTYankee]

I guess that would depend on the relationship. I am trying to look at this in more general terms than my own experience.

If you are in the relationship just for the sex, maybe it is not his responsibility. It seems that would be more to satisfy your own desire and not be as concerned with your partners needs.

Being in a monogamous relationship with my spouse, I would seriously be concerned if all he thought about was having his needs met. I think I would feel used.

In a long-term relationship (and again I am speaking in a marriage since that is all I can really relate too) I think it is his responsibility and hopefully his desire to want to find out what pleases me and do what it takes to get me there (and vice versa).

It is a huge turn on for me when I know I am doing something to him that takes him to the edge. I like knowing what I do makes him crazy with desire and pushes him to the limit.

The other side of that is when he puts my needs ahead of his and works toward pleasuring me instead of making it all about him. I think many women would agree that psychologically for us that in itself is a huge turn on.

I guess my final answer would be yes, but only speaking from my perspective and my personal relationship.

Thanks, EN.

I deliberately tried to keep the question somewhat vague in the beginning, so as not to stifle discussion.

But I'm assuming that all parties at least *CARE* about their partner's satisfaction.

I think it is his responsibility and hopefully his desire to want to find out what pleases me and do what it takes to get me there.

Do you feel a responsibility to TELL him what would please you? Especially, for example, if a particular sort of nipple play is pleasing this week, but would not be so next week? (purely hypothetical)

Are you yourself willing to "do what it takes to get you there"? Or are you inclined to "wish that he would do X" -- but not ASK him to do X, or even do X for yourself while he's doing Y and Z?

Does my phrasing of the question make more sense now?

Is it "his job to get you there"? Or is that responsibility at least shared?

 

[emptynester]

Do you feel a responsibility to TELL him what would please you? Especially, for example, if a particular sort of nipple play is pleasing this week, but would not be so next week? (purely hypothetical)

Yes, that is my responsibility. If he is doing something that is not pleasing me or maybe even annoying me, it is my responsibility to let him know. That can sometimes be a deal breaker if not handled with TLC.

Are you yourself willing to "do what it takes to get you there"? Or are you inclined to "wish that he would do X" -- but not ASK him to do X, or even do X for yourself while he's doing Y and Z?

For me personally, doing something to myself does not get me there, but I must admit I don't have a lot of experience in that area. If he is the one doing the touching, licking, etc., it is a huge turn on for me. If I in turn am touching him, giving him a hand job, etc., etc., it also gets me there a lot quicker.

[/QUOTE]Is it "his job to get you there"? Or is that responsibility at least shared?[/QUOTE]

I think the responsibility is shared in that we both need to be honest with one another about what feels good and what doesn't, what gets us there and what won't.

We both seem equal with regard to wanting to please the other so maybe that is why I don't see it so much a responsibility as I do a challenge, for lack of a better word.

 

[Crea(m)]

It's her "job" to let him know what she wants/needs to come. It's his "job" to make sure he understands what she is letting him know. If those two parts of the equation are in place the rest will naturally....errrr.......cum.

 

[wicked woman]

Is it "his job to get you there"? Or is that responsibility at least shared?

If I wanted to get myself off I don't need a partner there. To me, it's part of the fun that we both have a goal to pleasure the other. Just as it's my role to please him; it's his role to pleasure me. Doesn't mean we have to orgasm...but that's always nice.

What I hear you talking about is communication. No we aren't mind readers. Nothing wrong with making it clear that you like something, don't particularly like something else. would like it a little to the right, softer or harder etc.

I can't say I usually pleasure myself during sex, in the way you're suggesting, but it's not that I'm adverse to it. More than one woman who needs clit stimulation to come, provides the stimulation herself during intercourse, so clearly it happens.

 

[bailadora]

I've heard numerous women express that "the man should know what I want", and/or that it's BETTER for them if they don't have to say what might feel good to them at the moment. "He should just KNOW", they say.

*Raises hand guiltily* I used to have this mentality until one day my husband sat me down and said, "Honey - I love you to death, but I am NOT a mind reader. Unless you tell me what you want me to do (or not do), there is absolutely no freaking way I'm gonna guess it on my own."

Is it unrealistic, for example, to hope that a woman might rub her own clit during intercourse, in order to assure that she gets where she wants to go? Or caresses (substitute rubs, pinches, pulls, whatever . . .) her own nipples, if that would help her along? Or at a minimum, that she articulate this desire?

It depends on how comfortable she is in doing this. I will admit that for a long time, I had very real inhibitions about touching myself in front of my spouse. I've since overcome them, but for some - it may still be an issue. This is where she is going to have to speak up and articulate what she needs or wants.

And quite honestly, throughout all of my 35+ years of sexual activity, I've believed deep down that it's incumbent on *me* to "make" my partner come -- that if she doesn't, the failure is *mine*. Does the woman not bear at least *some* responsibility here?

You know - on a couple of occasions, despite best efforts on both sides - it's happened where I just couldn't orgasm. For whatever reason - I was either too stressed, or tired, or whatever. I know my husband felt bad b/c he got his and I didn't, but honestly I don't view those occasions as failures. It was precious time spent with him and a good time was had by all.

 

[JamieB]

I think the responsibility is shared in that we both need to be honest with one another about what feels good and what doesn't, what gets us there and what won't.

We both seem equal with regard to wanting to please the other so maybe that is why I don't see it so much a responsibility as I do a challenge, for lack of a better word.

I think this is spot on.

I'd also add that there are women who orgasm rarely if ever, but still enjoy sex.

J

 

[PertPerth]

I'm a complicated girl, so I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I haven't had that much experience, but what I have found with past partners is that they put too much emphasis on trying to make me orgasm when all I really want is them to kiss and hold me. Sure, an orgasm is nice....but it's nicer when they remember I'm a woman who's emotional side needs more than her physical. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say I'd rather hear "I love you" or "I think you're an amazing, intelligent woman" than to have an orgasm. (Perhaps I just have too many orgasms then!??!)
I don't like the pressure of 'having to have an orgasm'.

Anyway, I guess I'm suffering from what is known as 'you always want what you don't have'.

 

[elib257]

I have always said that orgasms are for masturbation. It's not strictly true but like somebody said earlier, if I want an orgasm I know how to give it to myself. When I'm with my boyfriend I want, depending on my mood, either a good shagging or intimacy and cuddling or anything in between. Don't get me wrong, an orgasm with a partner is fantastic but it's not my goal as much as it is my goal to make him cum.

In regards to whose responsibility it is - it's his responsibility to make sure that I feel good and sexy and beautiful and allow me to have a fantastic time (but not necessarily to make me cum - that'll happen if it happens). In turn, it's my responsibility to make him feel good and sexy and handsome and allow him to have a fantastic time.

As to touching myself while I'm with a partner, I don't really do it for a lot of reasons. I generally don't like it when I'm alone, I tend to use 'instruments', so why would I like it when I'm with a partner? Also, the reason I'm with a partner is because I want somebody else to touch me as opposed to masturbation and I would have thought that my partner feels the same. I do on occasion touch my breasts etc if his hands are busy elsewhere but (especially with my present boyfriend) I find he wants to do it for me. Just like if I saw him doing something like pinching his nipples I'd do all I could to help him out - because that's what sex is, giving mutual pleasure.

Having said all of that - there are times when one just needs an orgasm (you know what I mean )... and then I'll do all I can to get there. I was going to say 'regardless of what he wants', but I'm sure that my partners would understand and enjoy it too - just as I would understand if they wanted to. It's all part of the compromise.

We're complicated creatures us women...

 

[Honey123]

This question came up in another thread in another forum.

We were discussing upcoming "Steak and Blow Job Day" on 3/14, and I made the comment:

"This is one day where it's not *his* job to make *her* come." (Or words to that effect.)

Two women remarked that their past partners had never seen this as their responsibility, but "it would sure be sweet" or "if only that were the case".

Is it the man's job/responsibility to "make" his partner come?

Obviously the question isn't quite as simple as I've phrased it for the purposes of kicking off this discussion. I have lots of thoughts on the matter, but I'd like to hold those back for the moment until others have chimed in.

Discuss?

I don't think it's the man's responsibility... I mean, it makes it sound so...unsexy.

There have been many times i chose to satisfy my partner and forego my own orgasm. If it's been a really lousy day, and we are having sex and no matter what he does, my mind is still whirring about, I have to really stop, clear my mind and then emerse myself into what we are doing.

I think it's your own responsibility to have an orgasm...the greatest pleasure is having someone HELPING IT ALONG...

 

[great lover]

*waves to Honey123*

 

[Honey123]

*waves to Honey123*

*waves back and blows you a kiss*

 

[great lover]

*waves back and blows you a kiss*

 

[Honey123]

one for each cheek?

So..do you feel that it's your responsiblity to give a woman an orgasm?

 

[CTYankee]

Good discussion so far. Thanks, everyone.

I'm not going to go crazy with the multi-quotes & stuff. Instead I'll just respond in generalities.

I'm *really* not trying to be overly black & white here. I understood from the outset that the question was really not as simple as I phrased it. And I fully understand that sex and intimacy aren't "all about the O".

I'm just imagining, however, a man making love to his partner -- as lovingly and "expertly" as he knows how. He's supporting himself on one arm, kissing her passionately, loving touches with his free hand . . .

He wants her to be satisfied; she wants to come but isn't *quite* there for whatever reason . . .

I have a hard time imagining that a woman might NOT touch/rub herself in a case like this. That she might WISH that her man WOULD, but not do so herself. That someone could feel so completely that it's HIS responsibility to "make it happen" as to be unwilling or unable to help achieve the shared goal.

(I'm trying to be delicate here, since I really don't know HT Cafe's customs about vocabulary, etc.)

Two related thoughts that might be on point, and that might yield further interesting discussion:

Masturbation for/with a partner:

I recall long ago feeling that once I was sexually active with a partner, masturbation was supposed to stop. It was supposed to no longer be necessary, right? In fact, some might even view it as an "insult" to the partner -- a reflection of preference or a perceived inadequacy. When I first enjoyed masturbating with/for a partner, it felt somehow even MORE intimate and exciting than the sex act itself.

Based on some of the thoughts and remarks I read/heard above, I wonder if this might be part of what keeps a woman from "helping her man help her along"?

My own confession:

*deep breath*

Here's what sorta got me started down this line of thinking.

This isn't a cathartic self-realization or anything, but while reflecting on my own long-held belief (and the womanly opinions I was hearing that it was "sweet" or "ideal") that it was my responsibility to "make" my partner come, the following thought occurred to me:

In my 35+ years of sexual awareness/activity I believe I can honestly say that every single orgasm I've ever experienced, without exception, has (in the narrowly-understood sense) been "my doing". That is, it's been the result of my action/motion during intercourse, my touches/strokes either alone or with a partner. Even the times that I've enjoyed the privilege of coming in my wife's (or a prior lover's) mouth, it has never been *FROM* the oral attention. My own hand touches/strokes have always been involved. I've never even come from a lover-administered hand job, ferchrissakes.

In short, I have never been "made" to come by anyone other than my own self.

So now I'm feeling responsible for BOTH of our orgasms . . .

I find it so much more pleasant to think that we're partners on a journey, both equally invested and equally willing to exert whatever effort is necessary to reach a shared goal. (And again, I acknowledge that the goal needn't be the same each and every time -- for her or for me.)

Thoughts?

Too much information?

 

[NymphGoddess]

This question came up in another thread in another forum.

We were discussing upcoming "Steak and Blow Job Day" on 3/14, and I made the comment:

"This is one day where it's not *his* job to make *her* come." (Or words to that effect.)

Two women remarked that their past partners had never seen this as their responsibility, but "it would sure be sweet" or "if only that were the case".

Is it the man's job/responsibility to "make" his partner come?

Obviously the question isn't quite as simple as I've phrased it for the purposes of kicking off this discussion. I have lots of thoughts on the matter, but I'd like to hold those back for the moment until others have chimed in.

Discuss?

I think part of the problem is that many ladies are too inhibited to say what they want, and in one way or another expect their lover to read her mind and know what she likes or wants.

Another issue is some guys only are concerned with getting their rocks off and neither care nor ask about how "she" feels.

it's not universal though...often it's like the "rotten apple" theory.

My lover wants to know...asks and cares about my feelings...but also, I'm not at all shy with him about what I want and like...

 

[Honey123]

I have a hard time imagining that a woman might NOT touch/rub herself in a case like this. That she might WISH that her man WOULD, but not do so herself. That someone could feel so completely that it's HIS responsibility to "make it happen" as to be unwilling or unable to help achieve the shared goal.

So women still find touching themselves in front of a person taboo. Perhaps the problem stems from not feeling totally confident in their sexual being?

Masturbation for/with a partner:

Again, I think this comes from being comfortable..not with the partner, but with yourself. Not everyone masturbates for or with their partner. In fact, I know that my partner is not into that. So, we don't. I, on the other hand, would have absolutely NO objection to it and get off on seeing a man masturbate... although he knows this..(somewhat..since we don't talk of it) he refuses to do it.

.......In short, I have never been "made" to come by anyone other than my own self.

So now I'm feeling responsible for BOTH of our orgasms . . .

I find it so much more pleasant to think that we're partners on a journey, both equally invested and equally willing to exert whatever effort is necessary to reach a shared goal. (And again, I acknowledge that the goal needn't be the same each and every time -- for her or for me.)

Thoughts?

Unless when you are having sex with your partner and thinking of someone else, then yes YOU are making yourself come. But if you are with your partner, thinking of her/him, how each part of their body is setting you off, well, I think then that they are a bit responsibile for your orgasm. If they are giving you oral and you stop them just before you cum, and then thrust yourself inside her and you come..well..I think she GAVE you that orgasm....

I still have to think about this....

 

[elib257]

After I made my reply I did remember how much I liked to watch my ex boyfriend masturbate whilst I did too. We'd kiss and cuddle with one hand each whilst we were doing it but we wouldn't touch eachother's genitals... That was good.



As to your comment about you feeling responsible for both orgasms - I agree. I've find that men always have to put at least some effort in and whilst obviously for the most part the woman will help and join in and generally be active, there are times when I've just laid back and taken everything that's given to me and I can honestly say that there's only been one time in my life where I did everything and he literally laid there. It's an interesting thought.

 

[CTYankee]

Unless when you are having sex with your partner and thinking of someone else, then yes YOU are making yourself come. But if you are with your partner, thinking of her/him, how each part of their body is setting you off, well, I think then that they are a bit responsibile for your orgasm. If they are giving you oral and you stop them just before you cum, and then thrust yourself inside her and you come..well..I think she GAVE you that orgasm....

I still have to think about this....

Absolutely, Honey. I understand where you're going with this (I think), and agree fully.

That's why I went back and added "(in the narrowly-understood sense)".

Of course just being in her presence, enjoying her aroma, feeling the love . . . all these contribute to the arousal and the ultimate orgasm.

I was, however, referring specifically to the "mechanics", if you will?

I'm assuming that my presence, scent, love, etc. are working for her as hers are for me. And I was therefore sorta "canceling this out" from both sides of the equation. (Clinical-sounding metaphor, I know. But again, I'm trying to be delicate.)

 

[Honey123]

Absolutely, Honey. I understand where you're going with this (I think), and agree fully.

That's why I went back and added "(in the narrowly-understood sense)".

Of course just being in her presence, enjoying her aroma, feeling the love . . . all these contribute to the arousal and the ultimate orgasm.

I was, however, referring specifically to the "mechanics", if you will?

I'm assuming that my presence, scent, love, etc. are working for her as hers are for me. And I was therefore sorta "canceling this out" from both sides of the equation. (Clinical-sounding metaphor, I know. But again, I'm trying to be delicate.)

Well, then I will state it again, I think it's the person's own responsiblity to achieve their ogasmic state. I don't go into the bedroom thinking, "Oh, he is SOOOO going to make me orgasm tonight!!" Hell...there have been many times he has fallen asleep trying to get me to cum (many times I have too much on my mind to feel it).... *that's honestly the truth*

Everyone is different. Some need help..some don't... some feel responsible to make another cum and others just lay there and think it is that persons responsibility.

I say, screw that. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.. or orgasms. (by my hand or otherwise)

 

[midwestyankee]

This whole discussion has an underlying assumption that is faulty: that sex should have the goal of mutual pleasure. Sorry, but this is not a universal truth. In many relationships the dominant partner decides if or when the other party gets pleasure. In those cases the underlying assumption is not that mutual climactic fulfillment is the goal. Rather, the underlying assumption is a mutual agreement on unequal power sharing within the relationship. It's not anyone's job or role to fulfill the other unless they agree to that arrangement.

Second, while Cosmopolitan magazine and its ilk have raised awareness among many women's partners, the notion that all sexual encounters should have the goal of producing a climax in the woman is farcical at best and damaging for the most part. Not all sex is or should be about reaching climax. Sex is a valuable outlet for passion and intimacy alike but it is also not the only such outlet. When we make climax into a goal we lose the ability to communicate through intimacy. As WW said earlier, pleasuring each other is only part of the fun.

 

[lushlucid]

intersting, i'll come back to this