Helping a friend through a breakup...

[Flora]

A friend of mine just got dumped by her fiance. She had no clue it was coming at all. He showed up at our work on Monday, and she was all excited thinking he was taking her to lunch. This is when he presented her with all her things from their shared apartment and announced that he didn't want to be with her anymore.
She was shocked and needless to say totally devastated. She has begged him to talk to her, but he refuses to meet and talk, thinks no contact is best. She won't sleep, won't eat, cries non- stop.
I feel bad for her and have tried to encourage, support and listen. She feels like he was the one and that now she'll never have another chance to be happy and have children. She feels that she'll never find someone else just like him.
I've tried to tell her that she doesn't really want someone else just like him, someone who could treat her with such disregard. But I find it hard to say anything too negative about him, because what if they get back together and then I'm the bad guy. She is holding out hope that they'll get back together.
I'm just not sure how I can really help her. The whole thing has been such a shock to her. One minute they're planning a wedding the next it's all over...

 

[sassy_girl1963]

Flora, am not too sure what to tell you but maybe just be a listening ear - reflect what she is saying to you back to her and just be there for her to cry on your shoulder.

The sad fact is that even though you want to fix the situation for her, there is no easy fix. And as you said - you really do not want to tear the guy down, but by being present with her, that is the greatest thing you can do at this moment.

 

[Eilan]

As much as you'd love to tell her to forget that asshole and move on, don't. Just be there. Let her vent. Don't try to give her advice or fix the problem, because even if she's hearing you, she's not in any emotional state to listen to you (if that makes sense!). She'll move on when she's ready, and after three days, she's nowhere near ready.

When my ex-husband and I went through our separation and divorce, I leaned pretty heavily on two very close friends--that is, when I wasn't throwing myself into raising our kids. Just knowing that I could call or email my them when I needed to vent/rant was enough. They know they can do the same when they have a problem.

for your friend. And to you for being a good friend.

 

[togitc]

There are usually signs that things are going south. Not bright, blinking neon, but there are hints. Fights about nothing, long time apart, and odd behaviour. Of course the guy could have felt guilty about wanting to leave so look for other signs, overly affectionate and just way too loving for normal.

With the guy breaking off all contact I would take it as he had someone lined up. Possibly someone they knew.

Just be there for her. You will help her more than you know by letting her know someone does care about her. Let her talk and listen a lot.

Wish I could help. Those hurt.

 

[Cathleen]

It is such a difficult place - both sides. Be her friend, listen and support her. As the others have said, don't tear him down - yet. She is still in the disbelief stage. Breaking up from a love relationship can be akin to going through the grieving process.

Let her wonder through the stages: disbelief, anger, bargining, depression and acceptance. It isn't a straight line as you've already seen by her begging him to reconsider (bargining). Give her the lead and be aware.

Sassy_girl said a great thing... listen to her and mirror back to hear what she is saying. That is very helpful since it keeps things in the here and now.

You're a good friend obviously, she will need you.

(Then when she is stable will you help me? ) j/k It takes time and lots of sighs for me.

 

[trixxi]

Make plans to go to her house. Bring her favorite alcohol and favorite guilty comfort food (i.e. ice cream) & plenty of both. Let her pick which one she wants. Bring stupid board games or cards & just get her to do something distracting. As the months progress, encourage her to go out.

What ever you do, do not bad mouth the ex or give her specific advice. If she gets back together with him, she'll dump you.

Absolutely make sure she has something exciting to do on the day that would have been her wedding.

For a friend with a good sense of humor we threw her an "un-wedding" party. She knew about the concept but not all of the surprises. We hired a stripper. We had balloons that said "better luck next time" and we had a cake with just a lone bride. Everyone brought gag gifts -- vibrators, books on how to meet other people etc. She cried & laughed & laughed so hard she cried.

 

[Recidiva]

A friend of mine just got dumped by her fiance. She had no clue it was coming at all. He showed up at our work on Monday, and she was all excited thinking he was taking her to lunch. This is when he presented her with all her things from their shared apartment and announced that he didn't want to be with her anymore.
She was shocked and needless to say totally devastated. She has begged him to talk to her, but he refuses to meet and talk, thinks no contact is best. She won't sleep, won't eat, cries non- stop.
I feel bad for her and have tried to encourage, support and listen. She feels like he was the one and that now she'll never have another chance to be happy and have children. She feels that she'll never find someone else just like him.
I've tried to tell her that she doesn't really want someone else just like him, someone who could treat her with such disregard. But I find it hard to say anything too negative about him, because what if they get back together and then I'm the bad guy. She is holding out hope that they'll get back together.
I'm just not sure how I can really help her. The whole thing has been such a shock to her. One minute they're planning a wedding the next it's all over...

Some people process this stuff internally. When something awful happens to me, I go hide. It can be intrusive for people to enter this space, because I'm internally doing what I need to do.

The best thing you can do is be there and make that clear.

Okay, sometimes use that people to dream and fantasize, and some people use that time to come to terms with things, but there does have to be time.

Sometimes you can't do anything but wait.

 

[lady_sensuous]

 

[ultimate_cin]

I've nursed my girlfriends through many breakups...as someone else has said, the best thing to do is just to listen. Don't put down the fiance because she will more than likely feel the need to defend him....I also wouldn't tell her that she'll have another opportunity to get married and have children, because then she will feel as if you're demeaning the relationship that was so important to her. Just be patient....let her know you are there for her...and in time she will heal and move on. When it's all said and done, she'll be appreciative for your friendship and how you helped her through such a rotten time in her life.