Help!

[Mystique_Maven]

I already posted this in the Darkroom but am reposting because 1) I really want some advice and am new to this whole thing AND 2) I don't know how to delete posts??? haha

So I am in an amazing relationship with a great guy. Our sexual chemistry is off the hook and the level of honesty we have with one another about everything is unprecedented.

Lately however involving another partner in our fantasies during sex has become more common--specifically another woman because I am more bi-curious than he is. He has been urging me to think about it more seriously because he sees it as repeated desire for us both but I am really apprehensive about trying to find another partner realistically--much more than he is. I am afraid of being jealous and safety obviously, but perhaps more confused about my sexual attraction to a woman. So for all you women out there that understand my situation, how to you know? Men feel free to give advice/opinions as well

I have been aroused by a woman, the time that sticks out is when we went to a strip club together and each got a lap dance. I wasn't jealous then because I was really enjoying myself ( I kinda forgot he was there) but I don't know if the realities of sex will be different....

Would appreciate any advice I can get! I have talked with my b/f about it obviously but would like any outside opinions.

Thanks
M_M

 

[JamieB]

Tricky

It's a tricky line, fantasy to reality. Many people are turned on by thinking about certain things that would most likely horrify them in real life (incest, getting groped/fucked by a stranger, rape, etc).

That said, to me it sounds like you'd be open to this if it could be done safely and with someone you felt secure with.

It sounds like you have great communication with your BF. Just tell him you're willing to listen to what he has to say, but tell him you're confused and uncomfortable, maybe even write it all down first just to help clarify your feelings to yourself. It may put him in a position to help you figure this out rather than feeling pressure from him.

Also, assuming a plan to go forward does start to take shape, insist on veto power up to the last minute. You may never use it, but it will help you feel like you're in control and that it's not just happening to you.

J

 

[Mystique_Maven]

I definitely like the idea of veto power =) I will have to keep that in mind as I go through this little thing called life....We will see how realistic we chose to get....I sometimes wonder how those kinda circumstances come up....

BUT

Thanks for the advice JamieB!!!! <3

 

[stickwork]

I already posted this in the Darkroom but am reposting because 1) I really want some advice and am new to this whole thing AND 2) I don't know how to delete posts??? haha

So I am in an amazing relationship with a great guy. Our sexual chemistry is off the hook and the level of honesty we have with one another about everything is unprecedented.

Lately however involving another partner in our fantasies during sex has become more common--specifically another woman because I am more bi-curious than he is. He has been urging me to think about it more seriously because he sees it as repeated desire for us both but I am really apprehensive about trying to find another partner realistically--much more than he is. I am afraid of being jealous and safety obviously, but perhaps more confused about my sexual attraction to a woman. So for all you women out there that understand my situation, how to you know? Men feel free to give advice/opinions as well

I have been aroused by a woman, the time that sticks out is when we went to a strip club together and each got a lap dance. I wasn't jealous then because I was really enjoying myself ( I kinda forgot he was there) but I don't know if the realities of sex will be different....

Would appreciate any advice I can get! I have talked with my b/f about it obviously but would like any outside opinions.

Thanks
M_M

For starters, best of luck to both of you - you seem to genuinely care about him (I can only go by what you say, but presumably he cares about you as well).

From a guy's standpoint, he's either a) hoping to get off on another woman while with you - safe way for most guys to have sex on the side w/o hiding it, or, b) worried that you won't stay with him/care about him if he doesn't accede to your bi-fantasies.

 

[Mystique_Maven]

I really thinks its a little bit of both.....

What guy wouldn't want to have sex with two girls?? haha I say that jokingly but that part doesn't bother me. There is so much more to a relationship than sex even though when its bad, it certainly becomes more of a big deal (haha)

And I am definitely more into BDSM than him and have expressed THIS desire too, so it could be that he thinks I am going to search outside our relationship since I am more adventurous or not fulfilled??? And I would never, well at least not without him....That is my general attitude toward relationships, he is my partner-in-crime and if we play we play together

 

[subwannabe]

Getting opinions is nice but the bottom line is how this would effect you and everyone is different. So, whatever opinions you get here could wind up being completely different than what you experience. The only suggestion I have would be that since you both seem interested in this to some degree maybe you should agree to give it a try for one time only and then re-evaluate. Both of your feelings seem strong enough that if you don't at least try it once you will always wonder and you will never get over that feeling or hump. If you try it once and it doesn't work out you will at least know that you gave it a whirl and never do it again. If it works out well then, well, who knows? Obviously this could be one of those things of, "be careful what you wish for". Somehow you have to try this with someone neither one of you will have feelings for, just plain sex, sex, sex.

 

[SweetErika]

I already posted this in the Darkroom but am reposting because 1) I really want some advice and am new to this whole thing AND 2) I don't know how to delete posts??? haha

You can't delete threads yourself, but you can ask the forum's moderator to move or delete them for you.

Lately however involving another partner in our fantasies during sex has become more common--specifically another woman because I am more bi-curious than he is. He has been urging me to think about it more seriously because he sees it as repeated desire for us both but I am really apprehensive about trying to find another partner realistically--much more than he is. I am afraid of being jealous and safety obviously, but perhaps more confused about my sexual attraction to a woman.

It's good to be concerned about the possible consequences, such as jealousy, STDs, pregnancy and serious problems for your relationship. They're all very real possibilities and absolutely warrant lots of thought, communication and planning.

Take your time with this, communicate and don't allow him to pressure you in any way. If you do feel pressured, let him know and ask him to drop it until you're able to work it out with yourself.

Also consider that threesomes/group activities don't necessarily mean everyone taking part in every way. If, for example, you invited another male to join you two, the two guys could very well focus on you and you on them, without any sexual interaction between them. The same goes for another woman - your bf could just watch you two, only be involved with you, or the sexual activities between him and the other woman could be limited to touching or whatever you and she are comfortable with.

Being flexible like this may allow you to try things and ease into the concept so you can make sure there aren't any major issues or address them as they come up, rather than letting them pile up. It'll also give you a greater range of people to choose from, as some potential partners may not be into being sexual or having full-blown sex with your boyfriend. There are a good number of women (and other couples) who are happy to have the ladies play while the male partner(s) watches and just plays with his own partner, for example.

So for all you women out there that understand my situation, how to you know? Men feel free to give advice/opinions as well

How do you know what? When you're ready?

If that's the case, for me, it's when we've talked about all of the benefits, problems (and what will happen if they arise) and I can picture the event and aftermath with good feelings. I need to be secure with myself and our relationship, and he needs to feel the same. I need to know our potential partners are also secure and won't try to come between us or cause problems.

While we don't have a ton of experience even now, we've had great success with easing into involving other people. Our first step was for me to investigate my feelings for women on my own. I needed to be secure with my sexuality and know how I felt about women when no one else was there. Once I confirmed I was bi, we talked about threesomes, and when I had a relationship with a couple, we had a threesome with the guy (though he and Hubby didn't do anything with each other) and played a little as a group, stopping short of him and the other woman having sex.

You might consider testing the waters by checking out swing clubs/groups. You have to be flexible about the male half of another couple being there, but it can be a good way to see if the reality works for you and find bi women who are okay with having sex with women and couples.

I have been aroused by a woman, the time that sticks out is when we went to a strip club together and each got a lap dance. I wasn't jealous then because I was really enjoying myself ( I kinda forgot he was there) but I don't know if the realities of sex will be different....

Maybe jealousy won't be an issue, but you definitely want to be prepared for it to be.

The Ethical Slut (<--link) is an excellent book on having multiple partners and covers issues like jealousy well. I'd encourage both you and your bf to read and discuss it. Perhaps it'll bring up some things you haven't thought about before and help you two decide you're ready.

I really thinks its a little bit of both.....

What guy wouldn't want to have sex with two girls?? haha I say that jokingly but that part doesn't bother me. There is so much more to a relationship than sex even though when its bad, it certainly becomes more of a big deal (haha)

And I am definitely more into BDSM than him and have expressed THIS desire too, so it could be that he thinks I am going to search outside our relationship since I am more adventurous or not fulfilled??? And I would never, well at least not without him....That is my general attitude toward relationships, he is my partner-in-crime and if we play we play together

Have you asked if this is a concern for him and reassured him you're committed to him and your relationship? Remember that any insecurities like this are likely to get blown up when you involve other people, so you want to work them out well beforehand and continue to talk about them throughout the experience.

My husband was worried I might like women better and leave him for someone else, but we talked about it at length, went slow and my openness and honesty about everything provided enough reassurance that HE was comfortable moving forward. We always let the person who has the issue set the pace they're comfortable with because it builds trust and security and avoids major problems in the future that inevitably arise from glossing over problems/going too fast.

 

[Noor]

I think you need to be in a fairly strong relationship before adding other people to it. Also realize there is always a risk that one of the players will develop a strong unexpected attachment to another.

 

[mjl2010]

I already posted this in the Darkroom but am reposting because 1) I really want some advice and am new to this whole thing AND 2) I don't know how to delete posts??? haha

Pretty much, you have to edit your posts and delete everything you don't want seen anymore. A lot of people just delete everything and put in five periods or so.

So I am in an amazing relationship with a great guy. Our sexual chemistry is off the hook and the level of honesty we have with one another about everything is unprecedented.

and how long has this relationship been ongoing?

Lately however involving another partner in our fantasies during sex has become more common--specifically another woman because I am more bi-curious than he is. He has been urging me to think about it more seriously because he sees it as repeated desire for us both but I am really apprehensive about trying to find another partner realistically--much more than he is. I am afraid of being jealous and safety obviously, but perhaps more confused about my sexual attraction to a woman. So for all you women out there that understand my situation, how to you know? Men feel free to give advice/opinions as well

If you can separate sex from your relationship with your guy, then perhaps you can move forward with finding someone. Meeting with another person just for sex with you guy could be fun for both of you. It could also kill your relationship with him if you are not careful.

I have been aroused by a woman, the time that sticks out is when we went to a strip club together and each got a lap dance. I wasn't jealous then because I was really enjoying myself ( I kinda forgot he was there) but I don't know if the realities of sex will be different....

So you meet for a threesome and both you and your guy want this to happen. If he doesn't get jealous over you being with her, are you going to get jealous over his being with her? Because it's a two way street. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and vice versa. What's bad for the goose is bad for the gander. Get what I mean?

This is an area you need to be absolutely sure about. Both you and him need to be able to stop things and move on if either of you thinks its going to be bad. Of course, if the three of you meet and you've had a bunch of fun with her, that would not be a good time to stop things if he's beginning to have his fun. Right then, it becomes one sided.

It sounds like your relationship is strong, open and you communicate well. If it's not, then don't do this. You'll just ruin it. This is the sort of thing that needs: Openness, communication, caring (and an athletic male grin) are required.

Would appreciate any advice I can get! I have talked with my b/f about it obviously but would like any outside opinions.

Oh advice...hmmm let me roll up my sleeves here and...

MJL

Thanks
M_M

You're welcome.

 

[Mystique_Maven]

First of all, everyone gets virtual hugs or foot massages or something for being respectful and treating this situation as seriously as I do...and for letting me know how to delete things (haha)

SweetErika: The Ethical Slut is already purchased and will be in my possession in 3-5 business days. From the book's ratings it seems like the reading material I have been searching for especially because my biggest fear surrounding this is jealousy from either side (safety goes without saying really)

Thank you so much for being honest about how this experience has developed for you. I think exploring my individual sexual feelings toward women would be a smart move. I know how I think I'd feel but have never actually been in that situation. At this point I am bi-curious, not bi so ironing that out so to speak sounds like a good idea.

mjl2010: Relationship has been going on for roughly a year (we did the friends to lovers transition so its hard to definitively say) and I am proud to say that we have been really honest from the get-go. My last relationship was not a situation where I could be honest and open sexually and I never wanted that again for myself....I needed a man that was adventurous and straightforward as I was about my desires and wants. I understand that we haven't been together like five, ten years (and I understand those aren't magic numbers because every couple/individual is different), but we aren't thinking of running out and having a threesome tomorrow. We are just trying to seriously evaluate it and the implications...



Now I have a general question for anyone really....Is there a best way to iron out the rules of involvement? I only ask because when it comes to our adventures into BDSM, the negotiation list was SOOOO helpful....

Always,
M_M

 

[Noor]

Now I have a general question for anyone really....Is there a best to iron out the rules of involvement? I only ask because when it comes to our adventures into BDSM, the negotiation list was SOOOO helpful....

Oh YES, ground rules are essential! as are veto power and get out of the situation signals. If one of you begins to feel uncomfortable in the situation the other needs to help get you both out of it.

 

[Cathleen]

Jealousy can have the potential to end relationships. Feeling secure is paramount in my experiences, and not always easily found (for me). I'd need to strengthen my presence in the relationship, both as an individual and as a GF.

As I sit here now I'd truly need to find my footing so as not to risk jealousy entering my relationship. Honest communication is mandatory, IMHO. I'd need to share the deep, scary thoughts that can leave me vulnerable - the whole trust issue.

It comes down to being comfortable in my own skin (and in the relationship), comfortable sharing my fears and insecurities and that they've been heard sincerely.

Communication.


Good luck as you discover more.

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika: The Ethical Slut is already purchased and will be in my possession in 3-5 business days. From the book's ratings it seems like the reading material I have been searching for especially because my biggest fear surrounding this is jealousy from either side (safety goes without saying really)

There are a lot of great articles on jealousy and swinging, responsible/consensual nonmonogamy and polyamory online as well. I'd also encourage you to read this essay by serijules. I've found getting a variety of input when it comes to things like this to be very helpful, so I'd encourage you both to read as much as you can from many different sources. You never know what will click for you or spark an informative conversation.

Thank you so much for being honest about how this experience has developed for you. I think exploring my individual sexual feelings toward women would be a smart move. I know how I think I'd feel but have never actually been in that situation. At this point I am bi-curious, not bi so ironing that out so to speak sounds like a good idea.

For me, being with a woman is a wholly different experience than being with a man. When a man is there as well, it's still great, but it's very different in its own right because men just change the atmosphere and disrupt some of the unique connections that two women have (just like having another woman there changes the MF dynamic or experience for two men). I've always likened it to the difference between an intimate experience and porn - when a man's there, there's some performance or an exhibitionist quality to it for me.

Some women are only "bi" when men are around. I'm definitely not one of them, but I might not know that if my partner hadn't trusted me enough to encourage me to sort out my sexuality for myself. And, I would have missed out on the opportunity to experience the differences and this incredible part of myself.

It's crazy and confusing and difficult to figure these things out, but going out on that limb and facing the tough questions is well worth it.

One note: if you're attracted to the right women and are fairly certain you'll find sex with them to be wonderful, you're probably not as curious as you think you are. And when you're looking for women, I'd advise against using "bi-curious" as it can be equated to 'only doing this to please my man' or 'completely uncertain' or 'I might flake out on you' or 'I'm ok with you pleasing me, but I don't want to please you.' That's unfortunate for all of the women who are just seeking to confirm their feelings and have wonderful experiences, but even I find myself passing by women who don't identify whether they're merely curious or acting on long-time thoughts and feelings.

Now I have a general question for anyone really....Is there a best way to iron out the rules of involvement? I only ask because when it comes to our adventures into BDSM, the negotiation list was SOOOO helpful....

It should be fairly easy to come up with scenarios you're comfortable and uncomfortable with. There are only so many categories of sexual activities, you know? A start would be:
- Pregnancy (assume the other girl gets pregnant, or you get pregnant by another guy; what will you do if that happens? are you alright with him impregnating another woman?)
- STD's (again, assume it will happen, and talk about how you'd deal w/ it)
- Drugs & Alcohol (I'd say stay away from more than one or two drinks total)
- Veto Power
- Signal if things aren't going well
- What will you do if the signal's given?
- Emotional attachments: what if someone feels them? Are they okay?
- Are you allowed to see or talk to the other person without your partner knowing?
- What constitutes cheating?
- Kissing
- Touching
- Oral sex
- Genital sex
- Sex toys
- How can you guard against someone feeling left out?
- If one of you leaves the room for some reason, is it ok for the other two to continue playing?
- What's your plan for after? Will you talk about it frankly?
- What if one wants to do it again and the other doesn't?
- Are you prepared for the reality to fall far short of the fantasy?
- What do you need to, and not need to, tell each other?
- BDSM activities: Will D/s or kink come into this in any way? Is it alright if it does, or do you want to keep it vanilla? If it does, what are your ideal situations and how will you handle it?


At least those are some of the things we've talked about. Our actual rules for having relationships with other people boil down to a handful of common-sense agreements on honesty, protection, pregnancy, veto power, prioritizing each other and communicating. Other than that, we just deal with situations as they arise because we've talked about so much throughout our experiences.

 

[aimouse]

I wouldn't suggest you shouldn't explore group sex, but don't forget to consider the consequences if either of you really don't like it. You can't get rid of the fact that you / your bf liked it too much / hated it, you can only deal with it.
Good luck.

 

[raniny]

Been there and still working through everything. My husband and I talked about it for awhile before we started anything. We agreed on a type that we both like, we agreed to discuss what was going on with the other person (letting them know we were trying this out and not sure where it would go), and my hubby and I decided on a safe word to use if we were uncomfartable, and let the other person know that it was a go as we feel situation. We have had a few playtimes some worked out and some not. I have even had to end a few before anything happened. You just have to take it one step at a time. Good luck.

 

[KokopelliRises]

It should be fairly easy to come up with scenarios you're comfortable and uncomfortable with. There are only so many categories of sexual activities, you know? A start would be:
- Pregnancy (assume the other girl gets pregnant, or you get pregnant by another guy; what will you do if that happens? are you alright with him impregnating another woman?)
- STD's (again, assume it will happen, and talk about how you'd deal w/ it)
- Drugs & Alcohol (I'd say stay away from more than one or two drinks total)
- Veto Power
- Signal if things aren't going well
- What will you do if the signal's given?
- Emotional attachments: what if someone feels them? Are they okay?
- Are you allowed to see or talk to the other person without your partner knowing?
- What constitutes cheating?
- Kissing
- Touching
- Oral sex
- Genital sex
- Sex toys
- How can you guard against someone feeling left out?
- If one of you leaves the room for some reason, is it ok for the other two to continue playing?
- What's your plan for after? Will you talk about it frankly?
- What if one wants to do it again and the other doesn't?
- Are you prepared for the reality to fall far short of the fantasy?
- What do you need to, and not need to, tell each other?
- BDSM activities: Will D/s or kink come into this in any way? Is it alright if it does, or do you want to keep it vanilla? If it does, what are your ideal situations and how will you handle it?

SweetErika, your list looks better than anything I could have come up with.

 

[mjl2010]

mjl2010: Relationship has been going on for roughly a year (we did the friends to lovers transition so its hard to definitively say) and I am proud to say that we have been really honest from the get-go. My last relationship was not a situation where I could be honest and open sexually and I never wanted that again for myself....I needed a man that was adventurous and straightforward as I was about my desires and wants. I understand that we haven't been together like five, ten years (and I understand those aren't magic numbers because every couple/individual is different), but we aren't thinking of running out and having a threesome tomorrow. We are just trying to seriously evaluate it and the implications...

Always,
M_M

The reason I asked how long your relationship had been ongoing is this. Most people start as a sort of wildly in love crazy sort of way. Later it settles down a little. You're still in love, but its different. Going off on a sexual adventure that involves another person isn't a good idea right in the beginning. You haven't developed the trust you need to get you past any jealousy.

I'd like to offer a caveat on the safeword thing. I see at least a couple of people have mentioned it and veto power. Those are fine and I think you should have them.

What you should not do is this: Don't get there, decide to go forward and then say you and this other woman have a good time starting out. Your BF joins in and things are going ok still. Pretty soon, it's clear he's going to be with her and you're going to be the one who is watching. All of a sudden, you're jealous and ticked off.

I know people are going to argue that you have your veto power and can stop him right then. And if you do, and he's a decent guy, he will stop. And later, he's going to get unhappy about it whether he says so or not. You got to have sex with someone besides him, then stopped him. To him, it will be completely unfair. And in truth, it is.

Right here is where you need to be sure of your feelings because this is where people screw up their relationships. For a lot of people, this is a deal breaker same as cheating and why you need to be oh so sure before you start. And I'm not saying it would just happen where you have some good sex with her and then bail when he's about to have fun. It could go either way. I just used one example.

I can tell you, if he's anything like a normal guy, he's going to get immensely turned on at the prospect of being with you and another woman. And when you get there, you have to be sure about what's going to happen. Think carefully about this, not just from the angle that you'd like to experiment with a woman. Think about the fact that you care about this guy and the two of you are going to go and have sex with someone else.

Put it in those terms. "We are going to have sex with someone besides each other." Nice to talk about a threesome, sure but its easy to overlook the fact that not only you will be doing this, but him as well.

I agree with Erika. Set boundaries and so forth. Talk about it a lot. If one of you is unsure, then don't do it. And for sure don't do it if one of you is simply willing to do it for the other one's sake.

I would say, this isn't something you do in the first year of being a couple unless you are truly unusual people.

Best wishes.

MJL