Help with how to orgasm (1st post, sorry it's long!)

[cheekygirl75]

Ok, I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I have kind of a strange question and need some advice. I'm not usually comfortable posting stuff like this about myself on an online forum, but I don't have anyone else I can really ask, so here goes (and sorry, this is probably going to be long).

I'm in my early thirties and have recently started having sex again after a dry spell of about 7 years. One of the reasons the dry spell didn't really bother me at first was none of the sex I'd had with any of the six guys I'd been with was very good. I've been masturbating since I was about 13 and have no problems orgasaming on my own, but I've never been able to come when with a partner. And yes, I do stroke my clit during sex and on a few occasions have come close but still can't seem to go over the edge.

The sex I had during my early twenties was also not very good because none of my partners ever seemed to notice or care that I never orgasmed (and I don't fake it, ever). The one I'm with now has and has mentioned it a couple of times. We can only see each other on weekends as we live 5 hours apart, so we've only spent three weekends together (though the first one we didn't have sex) and those have been about a month or more apart. The first time he mentioned it, I put him off by saying that since I had my period at the time, it would be hard for me to come.

The last weekend we spent together, he didn't bring it up and I was thinking I could relax about it and maybe it would happen the next time. I don't know if it's just him or because he's older than previous lovers (early 40s vs 21-26), but he's definitely a lot more attentive, so I've been hopeful that if I could just relax a little more when I'm with him, it will happen. But he drunk dialed me tonight, two weeks after I last saw him, saying, among other things, that he's frustrated and disappointed that he hasn't been able to make me come. I don't really think he meant that he's frustrated and disappointed in me, exactly, but it did make me feel like I've been a disappointment to him and like there will now be a lot of pressure the next time we're together.

So now after that long ass background story, the question - how can I get myself to come when I'm actually with a guy? And how do I talk to the new guy about this? I decided not to bring it up in the first place because I didn't want him to see it as a challenge - to be the first guy to ever make me come. Now I know he's not like that, but I still don't really like the idea of talking about it with him because it generally makes me feel frigid and unappealing. And maybe I should also add that I'm also kind of worried that this whole thing will make him decide that I'm just too much effort - we're strictly friends with benefits not dating or falling in love or anything like that.

Anyway, sorry for the novel-length post. I really would appreciate any advice, but please don't tell me to see a therapist. It's really just not possible for me right now. And thanks in advance.

 

[Bobmi357]

In a word. Foreplay.

While most of this IS in your mind and not your body, you do need to sit your friend down and explain the facts to him. If he is any sort of decent guy he'll not only be supportive, but he'll try to help.

You should also consider adjusting what you do for foreplay. For example, would it hurt things any if you were to manually stimulate yourself while he watched? Or perhaps he could manually stimulate you while you directed.

From a man's perspective it is NOT enough to have a woman say "Well I enjoy it anyway."

And please don't fake an orgasm. Frankly most good guys would rather go the extra distance to make you orgasm for real than have you fake it.

 

[SweetErika]

Don't be disappointed in yourself, please. In my experience, it can take a good amount of time for partners to learn about each other, and it sounds like you haven't had that time with this guy.

Next time you're together (or whenever you're comfortable), you could propose a no-pressure learning session where you try different things, provide lots of feedback, and teach him what works for you when you're alone.

Also, don't be afraid to use toys and fantasize with a partner - there's nothing wrong with doing either. For me, fantasizing is also helpful because it helps me connect with feelings of success and generally keeps me from getting distracted by various things, including feeling pressured.

Even if this isn't the right man/relationship to start with, don't get discouraged because the right one will come along.

 

[Phaedre]

This is one of those admissions I've never made before so bear with me if I ramble and to any I shock with my disclosure sorry.

I have never orgasmed during sex and am only now in the process of learnng about my body in that way through masturbation (it's a long story) so can understand both your frustration and fears, especially having been labelled frigid myself amongst other things.

I have been (& still am) afraid that when I am sexually involved with someone that I won't be able to orgasm and will disappoint but I know these are irrational fears and with the right person eventually we will learn what works for us on all levels.

I am told and believe that these things take time but that openness to communication and learning together through exploration is the key.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

[southernsky]

Honestly! If a man decides you are too much effort just because you are nervous about cumming and haven't met anyone you can really let go with yet, you do not need to be intimate with this man! Sit down and tell him what's going on. A man once told me not to do anything but give him good and accurate feedback and he'd make me cum, eventually. I relaxed because of his attitude, and boy did he know what he was doing It was enthusiasm, and listening to my body. If this guy you're seeing is worth your time, he's going to see this as just one more pleasant thing you can do together sexually- figure out what gives YOU a lot of pleasure. /rant.

 

[KokopelliRises]

I want to be where you are southernsky, where there's sweet tea. Ah, the deliciousness of sweet tea.

I agree entirely that you are not alone. I have not ever had a clitoral orgasm (I'm differentiating here from a g-spot orgasm) exclusively from a partner's stimulation. I agree with Sweet Erika that it is okay to use toys and fantasies that help, because that's how I've gotten closest.

I know I haven't quite figured out why I can't come from a partner's stimulation, because otherwise I am an exhibitionist. I love doing pretty much anything to show my skills and my body's skills off, but this is one roadblock that I can't seem to make it over. I think one part of it is that I have a tendency to want to take over because I know I can make myself come. All of this becomes a kind of catch-22: I can't come from a partner's stimulation, so I end up doing it myself because I haven't ever had someone that could make me come like that.

It's not all about longevity of the relationship either. In September I got out of an almost three-year long relationship, which was becoming sexually frustrating because the only way I came was through masturbation. I think communication, where both partners talk free and clear about their sexual needs and wants, fantasies and fetishes, is the best way to happiness in a sexual relationship. This, in my mind, is a big step on the way to me losing my inhibitions (can't think of a better word) about coming exclusively from stimulation by someone else.

I'm sorry if that sounded like a rant, I didn't mean it to, but essentially I think that full communication is the biggest step on the path to non-self-stimulated orgasming.

I hope that helps.

 

[PertPerth]

This is one of those admissions I've never made before so bear with me if I ramble and to any I shock with my disclosure sorry.

I have never orgasmed during sex and am only now in the process of learnng about my body in that way through masturbation (it's a long story) so can understand both your frustration and fears, especially having been labelled frigid myself amongst other things.

I have been (& still am) afraid that when I am sexually involved with someone that I won't be able to orgasm and will disappoint but I know these are irrational fears and with the right person eventually we will learn what works for us on all levels.

I am told and believe that these things take time but that openness to communication and learning together through exploration is the key.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Took the words right out of my mouth.
I've got a new man, I just hope he'll be patient with me. So far, so good.

 

[SxRx]

Letting go

Ok, I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I have kind of a strange question and need some advice. I'm not usually comfortable posting stuff like this about myself on an online forum, but I don't have anyone else I can really ask, so here goes (and sorry, this is probably going to be long).

I'm in my early thirties and have recently started having sex again after a dry spell of about 7 years. One of the reasons the dry spell didn't really bother me at first was none of the sex I'd had with any of the six guys I'd been with was very good. I've been masturbating since I was about 13 and have no problems orgasaming on my own, but I've never been able to come when with a partner. And yes, I do stroke my clit during sex and on a few occasions have come close but still can't seem to go over the edge.

The sex I had during my early twenties was also not very good because none of my partners ever seemed to notice or care that I never orgasmed (and I don't fake it, ever). The one I'm with now has and has mentioned it a couple of times. We can only see each other on weekends as we live 5 hours apart, so we've only spent three weekends together (though the first one we didn't have sex) and those have been about a month or more apart. The first time he mentioned it, I put him off by saying that since I had my period at the time, it would be hard for me to come.

The last weekend we spent together, he didn't bring it up and I was thinking I could relax about it and maybe it would happen the next time. I don't know if it's just him or because he's older than previous lovers (early 40s vs 21-26), but he's definitely a lot more attentive, so I've been hopeful that if I could just relax a little more when I'm with him, it will happen. But he drunk dialed me tonight, two weeks after I last saw him, saying, among other things, that he's frustrated and disappointed that he hasn't been able to make me come. I don't really think he meant that he's frustrated and disappointed in me, exactly, but it did make me feel like I've been a disappointment to him and like there will now be a lot of pressure the next time we're together.

So now after that long ass background story, the question - how can I get myself to come when I'm actually with a guy? And how do I talk to the new guy about this? I decided not to bring it up in the first place because I didn't want him to see it as a challenge - to be the first guy to ever make me come. Now I know he's not like that, but I still don't really like the idea of talking about it with him because it generally makes me feel frigid and unappealing. And maybe I should also add that I'm also kind of worried that this whole thing will make him decide that I'm just too much effort - we're strictly friends with benefits not dating or falling in love or anything like that.

Anyway, sorry for the novel-length post. I really would appreciate any advice, but please don't tell me to see a therapist. It's really just not possible for me right now. And thanks in advance.

cheekygirl75,

This is so not a strange question at all. There are many ways to approach this, but I would suggest that the first approach must be medical. I do not mean to suggest that there is anything wrong with you, but running this by your OB/GYN would not be a bad place to start. Just as a precaution, make sure that everything is in working order. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? If so, what have they said? If not, why not? It couldn't hurt. There could be very basic issues going on, nothing going on or very unusual things going on.

Next, what is the working condition of your equipment? How sensitive is your clitoris? How much extra labia folds do you have? How hooded is your clit? All of this could have some play in how stimulated you get with the contact of the penis during intercourse vs your own masturbatory techniques.

Also, different positions will provide more direct stimulation than some others. How you position your pussy and bottom during intercourse is important as well. Pulling your bottom up to meet the direction of the stroking can help(missionary), or you may find angles make a difference. How have the different positions rated on a stimulation scale? I'm sure you know by now that multi-sensory loading can make a difference. You mentioned stroking your clitoris helps. How about you or your partner working on your nipples during the intercourse phase? Are your nipples sensitive?

How about building yourself to the edge through oral sex? Having long sessions of pussy play by your partner or even coming this way so that you both have a good sense of your arousal state so that your partner can hold off fucking until you are far more aroused by oral and manual stimulation.

Some women are multiorgasmic and so may have a clitoral climax via oral sex and then look forward to orgasm via intercourse. Some prefer to save their orgasm for their lover's.

Some have found that the the woman likes it from the rear very much. This can allow for some light spanking, and other playful fun, also not having to view your love may take the pressure off a little so you are not giving each other the "are you going to cum this time" pleading gaze.

Having a session where you explore each other's bodies and talk about what feels good and how it feels. During this time you might make sex off limits until another time. Take the pressure off completely so you can really concentrate on what you are feeling instead of nothing but wondering you are going to come, will he be disappointed if you don't, will you feel let down, etc.

There are more ideas, but I thought I'd post my thoughts at this point to see if it's helpful at all before going into further discussions.

SxRx

 

[silverwhisper]

cheekygirl, this is precisely the right place to come about this.

me, i think that this will come in time. don't force it, try not think about it--insofar as that's possible--and honestly, if i were you i'd tell him the truth: that you've never been with someone who could get you off, even with clit stimulation. because he might be thinking that the friends w/ benefits thing is only a benefit for him, and i can't imagine that's resting well in his mind.

just a thought.

ed

 

[cheekygirl75]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. It's especially good to know that I'm not alone with this issue. I've been reading lit for a few years and lurking on the boards for awhile, and always gotten the impression that most people on here were having these fabulous, carefree sex lives. I really always thought that I'm completely abnormal in this. It seems all the advice out there for women who have trouble orgasming during sex says to start masturbating to figure out what you like and then use that knowledge when with a lover. Well, I know what I like when I'm alone, but I can't seem to translate that to what I like when with a lover.

silverwhisper, that is one thing that I'm worried about, that he's feeling guilty that he seems to be the only one benefiting. Hopefully he knows me well enough to know that if I wasn't enjoying it at all, I wouldn't be doing it, but I don't want him to feel like he's taking advantage of me.

sxrx, I haven't mentioned it to my doctor, mostly because since I don't have problems coming on my own, I don't really see how it could be a physical problem. And right now I'm living in a country where finding an English speaking doctor that I'd be comfortable talking about this with would be a challenge. As for the other questions, I don't really know how my equipment would compare to another woman's in terms of how sensitive my clit is or how much extra labia folds I have or how hooded my clit is. How do I tell this? When I masturbate, I usually need clit stimulation to come, though I didn't when I was younger, so I guess it's sensitive. We haven't tried that many different positions, just missionary and me on top. Being on top was a little better in terms of stimulation, but it makes me feel very exposed, which isn't really comfortable. Maybe I'll suggest him being behind me next time. And unfortunately, my nipples are not really sensitive at all.

I know I need the courage to talk to him about this, and as southernsky said, if he decides that I'm too much effort, he's not worth it. And he has already asked me for feedback, so I don't think he would be like that. But I have a really hard time putting what I'm feeling and what I want him to do or not do into actual words.

 

[southernsky]

can you masturbate and have him watch? he needs to be manually or orally stimulating you before he tries to have sex with you. preferably for awhile. either that, or write him an erotic story and give it to him and tell him you're too shy to talk about it just yet. nothing wrong with that.

no, we don't all have these carefree sex lives, although i'm sure some of us do. it takes unglamorous things at first to get used to another sex partner and what they like. good for you for pursuing your own pleasure, though. I know it's tough sometimes especially as a female, to make sure you don't feel guilty for relentlessly pursuing your own sexual pleasure, but trust me, it's worth it, and there is NO reason you shouldn't.

 

[SxRx]

Thanks for the feedback

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. It's especially good to know that I'm not alone with this issue. I've been reading lit for a few years and lurking on the boards for awhile, and always gotten the impression that most people on here were having these fabulous, carefree sex lives. I really always thought that I'm completely abnormal in this. It seems all the advice out there for women who have trouble orgasming during sex says to start masturbating to figure out what you like and then use that knowledge when with a lover. Well, I know what I like when I'm alone, but I can't seem to translate that to what I like when with a lover.

silverwhisper, that is one thing that I'm worried about, that he's feeling guilty that he seems to be the only one benefiting. Hopefully he knows me well enough to know that if I wasn't enjoying it at all, I wouldn't be doing it, but I don't want him to feel like he's taking advantage of me.

sxrx, I haven't mentioned it to my doctor, mostly because since I don't have problems coming on my own, I don't really see how it could be a physical problem. And right now I'm living in a country where finding an English speaking doctor that I'd be comfortable talking about this with would be a challenge. As for the other questions, I don't really know how my equipment would compare to another woman's in terms of how sensitive my clit is or how much extra labia folds I have or how hooded my clit is. How do I tell this? When I masturbate, I usually need clit stimulation to come, though I didn't when I was younger, so I guess it's sensitive. We haven't tried that many different positions, just missionary and me on top. Being on top was a little better in terms of stimulation, but it makes me feel very exposed, which isn't really comfortable. Maybe I'll suggest him being behind me next time. And unfortunately, my nipples are not really sensitive at all.

I know I need the courage to talk to him about this, and as southernsky said, if he decides that I'm too much effort, he's not worth it. And he has already asked me for feedback, so I don't think he would be like that. But I have a really hard time putting what I'm feeling and what I want him to do or not do into actual words.

cheekygirl75(love the handle for some reason)

OK, forget the medical suggestion. As to your equipment vs. others, this could come in a variety of ways. You have already indicated that you know your equipment works fine when you masturbate, so this should give you some comfort that it's in working order. The medical suggestion was just a precaution, but forget it it's not necessary.

Some women have very elongated, stretchy labia 'wings' that expand their clitoral sensations so that the cock has a much larger target area vs. someone without this, your 'target area' may alter your intercourse needs. I'm sure this is important to find out how far from your actual clit does your orgasmic level of sensation extend into the lips or labia. If you have a very narrow, defined area of clitoral sensation sufficient to orgasm, then this will help you determine your intercourse needs for orgasm.

You may find that you need a cock that is a little thicker to maintain pressure on your clit in order to orgasm at all from intercourse, or a cock that has a slight curve upward that tends to stroke the clitoris a little more directly and firmly.(And may better stroke the inner ceiling of your vagina where the Holy Grail 'G' spot is located) Because you may have a very well honed masturbatory technique, the suggestion for your lover to mutually masturbate with you will be immensely helpful in giving him a clue about what exactly gets you off. Then you get into the exploration and discovery phase and you must clearly clue your guy when a certain technique, stroke or angle feels really good. Tell him in clear language to not stop! It's also important that he becomes engaged in enough stimulation from you, that you get him at his best fullness and size. Take your time and give him a great deal of pleasure. If he comes its OK, you can start again! Get him pumped and hard.

Frankly, your lover should welcome this opportunity to make love, play with you, explore with you together as a team on a fun quest! Try to take away the pressure and just allow this to be without expectation. If you come, fine, if not we had fun along the way. If you have to revert to your own masturbation it's all good or at least it should be.

You need a lover who has sufficient equipment to meet your special needs, enough sex appeal to you so that he makes you hot before you start, skilled enough to know multiple means of pleasing a woman fully, and stamina. You may find that you need extra long fuck session to come through intercourse. None of this is weird. Each of us have our own sexual makeup and needs. You are the same. I think once you have your first orgasm via intercourse it will all be downhill to some degree. Maybe you need to seek out some other candidates. The beauty about being on top is that you can control the manner in which you are getting pleasured. You can move, wiggle, speed up, slow down and if you need long fuck sessions will give your guy a bit of a break! Then he can take a turn while you're still on top and fuck from underneath which from my lover is a very nice stroking.

Well, gotta run. Hope some of this helps you. May your quest for the orgasm by intercourse come soon1


SxRx

 

[nudeshowoff]

My advice for what it's worth is to just relax with you partner and you need to take your time. Let your partner know that you want him to really take his time with you. A lot of foreplay is going to get you ready. The best thing to do is just enjoy the foreplay and relax and have fun. Sex is a fun thing remember!

Have a great day!

 

[SweetErika]

Your main goal is to come with a partner and/or during intercourse (via any means of stimulation that gets you there), rather than coming through intercourse, correct?

If so, I'd say you're on the right track. If, as SxRx seems to be suggesting, the goal is to come via intercourse, I'd say that's a lot of pressure since a vast number of women don't come from penis-in-vagina stimulation at all.

Next time, you might try masturbating with him - use fantasy or whatever you need to replicate your solo experiences, but give him a job that you find stimulating, like kissing, touching hot spots or telling you what you like to hear. When you accomplish that, have him stimulate your g-spot manually, and see how it feels. When you're really ready, move on to sex, and see if it gets you closer than previously. Missionary with your hips elevated and/or your legs wrapped around him, or him sitting up (e.g. on a couch/bed) and you facing him (you have more leverage, can kiss and aren't so exposed this way, either) are stimulating positions, in my experience.

At least that's the kind of thing that works for me...sometimes. Masturbating with my partner helping and doing other stuff like g-spot stim works 90% of the time, so we usually go with that first. If I have a g-spot orgasm during sex, it's because (a) I've come right before sex and/or (b) I'm getting clitoral stimulation as well.

It may or may not work for you, but I can almost guarantee trying will help in some capacity and be a hell of a lot of fun.

 

[cheekygirl75]

Thanks again everyone for the advice. Erika, yes, my goal is just to come with a partner in anyway possible. Now I just need to get up the courage to talk to him. We talk almost every night over IM, but I seem to keep making excuses not to bring it up (and he hasn't mentioned it either).

Though it's a huge relief to know that this problem isn't abnormal, or even uncommon, at all, it's hard to get over years worth of thinking I'm a complete freak in a couple of days. But I am so grateful to everyone who replied to share their experience and offer reassurance. After he called me on Saturday night, and before I posted the first time, I was literally sobbing wondering why I can't just be normal. Turns out I am

 

[SxRx]

Happy Discoverying

cheekygirl75

I thought perhaps some science-based information might help you come to your own decisions and insight. I encourage you to do your own little research project if you haven't already in addition to the feedback you've been getting from Lit folks.


The Female Orgasm During Intercourse

Female Orgasm

It is absolutely possible that you could have an orgasm with intercourse even if you have never had one before. Your letter conveys that you perhaps think of yourself as over-the-hill; in fact, many women become more orgasmic as they age, often due to hormonal factors such as changes in birth control, childbearing and approaching menopause.The first thing to ask yourself is whether you are orgasmic with any type of stimulation. If you have never had an orgasm, I think most sex therapists would agree with me that the first step to having an orgasm during intercourse is to learn to pleasure yourself. Some women's health centers offer orgasm workshops; also, I recommend the book "Sex For One" by Betty Dodson.If you are already orgasmic with masturbation, hand stimulation by a partner or oral sex, you can learn to transfer this ability to intercourse. One of the main barriers that holds women back from being orgasmic during intercourse is a weak pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is the muscle that surrounds the opening of the vagina and supports the pelvic floor. It is also the muscle that spasms when you have an orgasm. If your PC muscle is weak, it may be difficult for it to spasm when there is any object in your vagina. To strengthen your PC muscle, do Kegel exercises (alternately squeeze and relax the PC muscle several times a day).I also recommend a two-step program to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse. First, masturbate using a dildo or vibrator. Choose one that is semi-flexible. Stimulate your clitoris with one hand and stroke your vagina with the dildo. Insert the dildo into your vagina and squeeze and relax your PC muscle around it as you slowly and sensuously insert and remove the dildo. Continue to stimulate your clitoris and masturbate to orgasm with the dildo inside you. For step two, do the same exercise with your partner. Offer to give him a massage and have him lie on his back. Stimulate his penis and when he is erect, use his penis the same way you used the dildo. Insert his penis and squeeze your PC muscle around it. Use your fingers and masturbate yourself to orgasm while your partner is inside you. Sex therapists call this a "bridge maneuver" -- you are using your ability to stimulate yourself to orgasm as a bridge to being able to climax with intercourse.Another thing that has helped a lot of women learn to be orgasmic during intercourse is to pay attention to positions and their variations. We now know that there are many areas of the female anatomy in which orgasm can be triggered. It's not just the clitoris anymore. Two areas inside the vagina that can be orgasm-triggers are the G-spot (a highly sensitive area on the upper front wall of the vagina) and the cul-de-sac (the highly sensitive area behind the cervix). Modify your sexual positions to take advantage of these areas. For example, if you modify the "missionary position" so that you tilt your pelvis and bring your legs up toward your shoulders, you have now increased the access of your partner's penis to your clitoris, your G-spot and your cul-de-sac.Perhaps I have made your ability to have an orgasm during intercourse sound as if it is a purely physical proposition. In a sex-research laboratory, orgasm is defined as a reflex that includes PC-muscle spasms and increased heart rate. Because orgasm is a physical reflex similar to a sneeze or a yawn, pelvic stimulation leading to increased blood flow is sufficient to trigger orgasm. But orgasm includes many other physical and psychological phenomena. If you respond better to more psychologically based solutions, try these.Orgasm can include many full-body experiences such as tingling in the fingers and toes; spasms of the arms, legs and face; emotional outbursts; and psychological feelings of relief, release or even ecstasy. Some of these responses can be mimicked voluntarily and practiced during intercourse, thereby increasing your chances that they will occur spontaneously. Also, you may want to explore your own psychological makeup and determine if any of the following factors could be preventing you from having an orgasm during intercourse: embarrassment, increased vulnerability, pressure to perform in a sexual situation, lack of trust in your partner or lack of experience with your current partner



If all of that sounds like too much work and seems to take all the fun out of the picture, then I'd say go with the flow of SweetErika, since you seemed so relieved and comforted by her advice - which does comes from someone of your own gender and someone who has been through your own experience, all of which gives it credibility.

Happy Discovering!

SxRx

 

[cheekygirl75]

Also, you may want to explore your own psychological makeup and determine if any of the following factors could be preventing you from having an orgasm during intercourse: embarrassment, increased vulnerability, pressure to perform in a sexual situation, lack of trust in your partner or lack of experience with your current partner.

SxRx, you hit the nail on the head with this last part, I think all of these are the biggest problems for me. Plus the fact that I've never been very confident about my performance in bed, it's one of my biggest insecurities.

I finally got up the courage to bring it up over IM last night. I said something like "I was thinking about what you said last weekend, about being disappointed that you haven't been able to make me come. I didn't get a chance to say don't be, I've never been able to come with someone, only when I'm alone." His response, "Well that is something we'll have to fix" and that was it. I'm not sure what to make of that, I was kind of expecting a little more of a response. I was trying to think of a nice way to say that I think my problem is feeling pressured, when he went on to tell me that he'd found the next season of the tv show he was watching to download and the moment was lost. But I do feel a little better that I at least said that much.

It also sucks because I have no idea when I'll see him again in person. He was supposed to come down near where I am, and I would meet him for the weekend, sometime this month. But I've asked twice if he knew when he was coming (it depends on his friends), and he just said 'no' or 'I'll ask my friend to see if he's heard anything'. And then I never heard anything else (that was about a week ago). Maybe I should do what someone here suggested, and start looking for new candidates.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think it'd be a bad idea to look for other candidates either, CG. The type of relationship, comfort level in it and specific chemistry can have a lot to do with orgasms, in my experience.

At any rate, if you're not/may not be happy with the amount you see each other or other factors, it wouldn't hurt to start looking for the partner(s) and relationship you truly want. In the meantime, have fun when you see this guy and definitely keep communicating!

 

[SilentMale]

In a word. Foreplay.

While most of this IS in your mind and not your body, you do need to sit your friend down and explain the facts to him. If he is any sort of decent guy he'll not only be supportive, but he'll try to help.

I agree with Bobmi. Most of this is in your mind. You need to learn to relax, enjoy the moment and try lots of foreplay as well as afterplay.

Having sex isn't about making each other cum or having marathon horizontal mamba sessions (if it happens, fine, if not, don't worry about it) it's about pleasuring each other to the fullest extent. If the guy you are with is frustrated because he can't make you orgasm, then the both of you either need to change your approach or find new partners.

I have been with women that I couldn't make cum and I have been with women that just couldn't make me cum no matter what we did. I realized afterwards that sometimes it's not the physical but sometimes it's the emotional or even the psychological aspect of the relationship.

I do know that the best sex I've ever had was with a partner that took the time to know and understand my likes and dislikes.

That's my 2 cents worth.

 

[TwitchnClit]

Practice, practice, practice

Be sure to get some good lube [Astroglide is fine and is available in the grocery store] and use it for your self-improvement sessions and your rendezvous. Guys love it; it makes a hand job feel exquisite and a blow job mind-blowing. It is just plain required for extended clit and cunt rubbing activities. Oh god, even just a fingertip with enough lube is soooo delicious.

I gotta go. I'm getting really horny just thinking about this.

I'm back [for now]. The "love balls" or ben-wa balls are a great idea. In no time your interior muscles will be sensitive enough that they will start grasping for a cock whenever you are aroused. It won't be long and you'll be able to squeeze yourself around a cock and over the edge.

Have fun.

 

[KokopelliRises]

That hasn't worked for me. I have gotten closer since using the ben wa balls, but I just can't do it with anything inside of me. Maybe I should try sometime using my vibrator with the ben wa balls in. I've heard good things about that.

 

[SxRx]

Worthy

SxRx, you hit the nail on the head with this last part, I think all of these are the biggest problems for me. Plus the fact that I've never been very confident about my performance in bed, it's one of my biggest insecurities.

I finally got up the courage to bring it up over IM last night. I said something like "I was thinking about what you said last weekend, about being disappointed that you haven't been able to make me come. I didn't get a chance to say don't be, I've never been able to come with someone, only when I'm alone." His response, "Well that is something we'll have to fix" and that was it. I'm not sure what to make of that, I was kind of expecting a little more of a response. I was trying to think of a nice way to say that I think my problem is feeling pressured, when he went on to tell me that he'd found the next season of the tv show he was watching to download and the moment was lost. But I do feel a little better that I at least said that much.

It also sucks because I have no idea when I'll see him again in person. He was supposed to come down near where I am, and I would meet him for the weekend, sometime this month. But I've asked twice if he knew when he was coming (it depends on his friends), and he just said 'no' or 'I'll ask my friend to see if he's heard anything'. And then I never heard anything else (that was about a week ago). Maybe I should do what someone here suggested, and start looking for new candidates.

cheekygirl75,

I do feel by all that I've read from your posts that you need to put yourself mentally back in the 'curious' or 'available' mode. I would perhaps encourage you to allow your current affair to linger so that you can at least have some gratification, and explore whether the relationship really can develop, while at the same time consider other options fairly assertively within your own style.

After all, life is not a dress rehearsal and time waits for no man(or woman). It seems to me it's important to 'seize the day'(carpe diem) and gather within yourself the courage to want to explore all that life has to offer for you. A more deep self exploration may be helpful so that you can 'know thyself' much better and what gives you joy, bliss and sexual delight before your engage in these very intimate talks and journeys with your friend.

Knowing yourself would include your strengths and weaknesses and setting goals to enhance your natural talents and strengths as far as your attraction and work on improving your weaknesses soon, now. I hope that with this can come an improved sense that you are worth more than 'settling' for something that isn't really fulfilling.

One other point, an older fellow is fine, but he usually comes along with an exwife or 2, children, child support and very narrowly defined preferences. While you point out the positive aspects of this, I wanted to play the devil's advocate and suggest that a younger man may not have all of the distractions that you may be facing now. In other words, you need time, practice and repetition to get good at anything including pleasing yourself and doing so with a man.

All to say that leaving things as they are is not a good idea to me. You seem stuck, but there are so many doorways and openings for you to explore. To me, this is the key. After you have developed a greater sense of self and are engaging with the world from a position of strength, it may be time for you to explore options. Reading books on sex, positions, knowing your own female anatomy and that of the male, all could help you gain the confidence you say you lack. Of course there is nothing like experience. So go experience. Again, happy discoverings!


SxRx

 

[lisa123414]

My two cents

Hi Cheeky - you did post in the right place, cause the people here are really supportive - and really interested in orgasms! First of all, forget about normal, the only thing that matters is you and what gets you going. I was married for years and during that time had very few orgasms during sex. Now, I think I may be reluctant to get back into a relationship for that same reason. That, however, is beside the point. Although I find it difficult to share this bit of intimate information, I cant help but feel for you and your situation. I dont know what will work for you, I can only say what worked for me. How I managed to have orgasms was in the missionary position. I would grab on to his ass and get him to stop thrusting, then grind my clit against his pelvis. I also fantasized, replaying in my mind scenes from stories that turned me on. It seemed sometimes like it would take forever, and then if I started worrying about him getting bored, I was in trouble. Anyway, it worked for me as long as I was willing to put in a lot of effort and keep going. I love to read the stories here where the woman comes at the first touch. One of these days, I will get my brain's erogenous zones trained up and all I will have to do is wish for it - but until then, even masturbating with toys, it takes time, and for a really good orgasm, I have to work for it.

 

[SweetErika]

That hasn't worked for me. I have gotten closer since using the ben wa balls, but I just can't do it with anything inside of me. Maybe I should try sometime using my vibrator with the ben wa balls in. I've heard good things about that.

If that doesn't work, try something like a tampon, finger, or slimmer toy inside first, maybe working up to the balls.

I have the best orgasms when I have my period, or otherwise have something inside of me to "grasp," like a finger that moves gently against my g-spot or a toy.

One thing I've noticed is that if the movement is too abrupt or the object too thick, it seems to change what feels good to my clit - like it moves my clit around from the inside, and it's really hard to get any good stimulation. So, we've learned to do the right kind of penetration and combination of stimulation when we're using different objects.