Help with a good beginning

[Guest]

I have been writing my first story off and on over the past year and am finally about to post it. I already had it reviewed some with positive input and feedback, but I'm concerned with the somewhat lengthy intro needed for a later slow voyeuristic incest seduction. I am trying to hook the reader early on and would like feedback on the first 500 words that can be reviewed at the site below. I also would appreciate input on which of the follow would be a better title:

The Promise
A Promise
Promise Keeper

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=131579

Thank you

 

[secret_love]

Hi,

I would get rid of everything until


"I had just turned 18 and knew that I was sexually naïve . . ."

All of the repeated talk about some "promise" kind of bored me.

You can maybe keep the promise stuff if you are setting up a Satanic ritual or something like that. This is based on the premise that if there is no hot sex soon, you need something riveting to keep the reader's interest.

Ok. I bet you can't wait to send * me * some feedback now. LOL. Good luck.



SL

 

[jfinn]

I have to agree with SL that it is a little repetitive, but I'd keep the first two paragraphs and then skip to:

"I had just turned 18 and knew that I was sexually naïve . . ."

That way you set up the promise scenario and still cut to the chase in a relatively quick manner.

As for the title, of the 3, my vote would be, The Promise, but if I can make my own choice (and doing so without any real knowlege of what the story is about) I prefer another phrase you use, Words To Live By.

Anyway it's an interesting setup and I look forward to reading the story when you post it. Good luck.

Jayne