HELP !! URGENT advice needed for friend

[SilkVelvet]

Hi all
Hope u r all doing great and that the board is doing well.
I am moderating on a non BDSM site now and haven't had time to say hi lately sorry.

However, nevertheless I really really need yr help for a friend. She is vanilla, got talking to this guy via a chat room then email. Just found out he is Dom. He lives in US I have the screen names he generally uses, his state and what he has told her is his real name. She likes him a lot but is now somewhat nervous as she knows nothing abt BDSM and is rather worried but also wants to be fair to him and not assume he is some predator when he may not be.

What should I do ? She won't come on here and post herself nor look elsewhere for info on him herself in case he gets her IP or gets angry with her, because as I say she likes him a lot and knows nothing abt BDSM.

Any suggestions ???? Many thanx xxx Velvet
PS : I will check thread and PM, am moderating at moment and have a troll ( it all happens at once sigh)

 

[MissTaken]

How does she feel about reading the forum.

We could gather some links here and at some of the info sites to share with her?

Oh, and I wanted to pm you, but your pm function is turned off.

Trolls, you say?

Nawwwwwwwww I find that hard to believe!



I would happy to im or e mail with her if she is interested.

 

[slvjenn]

Just from you asking here, I'm assuming that she's at least open to finding out about BDSM and maybe even trying it.

From that, I'd have to say to first find out what he's looking for as far as BDSM goes. Is he looking for a full time slave or someone for bedroom games?

Of course there are a million and one degrees of the spectrum between those 2, but that is what she should find out first.

Once she knows that, she can then decide (hopefully after finding out a bit more info about the lifestyle itself) if she's willing to test those waters.

If she is, then I'd say meet him in a nice public place and have a nice traditional first date.

If that works out then she can better decide what to do from there. I mean, treat it as a normal relationship. If they don't click like that the BDSM part won't even matter.

If she's really worried about things when/if she does decide to be alone with him, make arrangments to call you every 30-60 minutes.

 

[SilkVelvet]

Hi Miss Taken..great avatar, very sumptuous.

I will see how she feels abt viewing /posting herself, right now she is in bit of a state, I just got another email.

I didn't know my PM was off and have turned it back on.

The thing is it does not feel ethical to me, to give her details off his profile if I find him on a website, if it is one which he (and I) have to be members of to have a profile. So I WON'T do that !! [Mine is not SilkVelvet elsewhere as someone beat me to it btw.]

On other hand she is a nilla as they come and is a bit in shock and a bit scared at moment. Obviously if he is the nice guy she believes him to be they can sort it out between by talking, but at the moment she doesn't know that for sure and feels unsafe.

So yes if you could get me some links that would be helpful thanx velvet xx

 

[WriterDom]

If he is going to get angry about her seeking general information then I'd tell her to run the other way. He should be encouraging her to learn all she can. And tell her to go slow and not let him pressure her into a face to face until she is ready.

 

[MissTaken]

And if she isn't interested in BDSM, she can say so to him and see what his response is.

Unfortunately, I would guess he will give her the "don't knock it til you have tried it" routine or the "You will love it, just trust me."

It doesn't sound good, SV.

If it doesn't feel right to her, she needs to get on about her business and no, sharing info from another site doesn't seem ethical. However, if she continues and this person makes you nervous, perhaps ethics will take a second seat to what she needs.

It is hard to say, but something doesn't sound right.

And WD nailed it.

 

[yaspis]

Hi,
the lurkster me couldn't just help popping up.

I'd advise your friend to gather as much as info about this supposed Dom. Just general information and then more personal, like what's his name, where he lives and works etc. Does he speak to her as a mighty, bossy Dom or is he of more human, "please, call me Jack"-type? Does he want to get to know your friend for who she is or just have a subbie?

Have your friend do some serious research, about BDSM as well as about online predators.

Here are few safety tips and the above website might help her in general. There are plenty of others. Please introduce her to our Library, it's great and vast.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Me too

I have to say WD nailed it right on the head.

Any Dom/me worth his or her salt will not fear education or safety actions.

If something does not feel right, I would go with those instincts. Safety first.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I have a question...... Is it him she's afraid of or the lack of knowledge about BDSM that is scaring her? I mean has he given her any reason to feel scared for her safety?

If it is because she doesn't really understand what it is he's into, I think suggesting she read up on the subject with an open mind is a good way to go.

If however, she's really scared for her safety, WD hit the nail on the head with his advice in my opinion.

I wish her the best of luck.

dixi

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have a question...... Is it him she's afraid of or the lack of knowledge about BDSM that is scaring her? I mean has he given her any reason to feel scared for her safety?

If it is because she doesn't really understand what it is he's into, I think suggesting she read up on the subject with an open mind is a good way to go.

Those are good questions dixi, especially since the answers lead to different solutions.

A very good call, I think.

 

[Wizard]

If he is going to get angry about her seeking general information then I'd tell her to run the other way. He should be encouraging her to learn all she can. And tell her to go slow and not let him pressure her into a face to face until she is ready.

I have to chime in with the same thoughts......


If she is looking to talk and learn I bet just about everyone here is willing to share thoughts, I know I learned a ton by reading everything I could get my hands on.............

She or you may pm me anytime also.........

 

[morninggirl5]

Going with dixicritter's train of thought, is she scared of him as a person or is she scared of what him being a Dom means in terms of her and the relationship? Has she even discussed any of this with him? It really sounds like she's just reacting to the information that he is a Dom without knowing any more about his intentions or even if he has intentions toward her.

I remember when i first started exploring thoughts about BDSM and reading, there were a couple of Doms that scared me in a sense. They never did anything or showed any signs that would normally cause alarm, it was simply my own reaction to what i was feeling and thinking.

Until your friend can tell us why she's scared and what she needs to deal with the problem, there's not much we can do except to offer to listen and encourage you to be a good friend.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi SilkVelvet,

I would go and try to find out as much as you can about this guy. Having the information does not mean you have to pass it to your friend. But maybe just maybe you will find out something that needs to be told to her.

I would never go into any realationship before checking out the person who is talking with me. It just makes sense, this is the internet, all the data is public property, there is nothing illegal nor unethical about it. I would consider it nothing more then just a bit of selfprotection and common sense.

For the rest I would say trust your gut feeling. If it does not feel right to your friend then do not force it, let him go, many more fish in the sea to catch.


Francisco.

 

[FungiUg]

Hey SilkVelvet!

I'd personally suggest to your friend that she needs to get over her fear of BDSM before she meets a Dom.

I guess if she is too afraid to find out what he's actually about, then it doesn't matter how much reassurance she gets, she's going to feel he's a predator.

I have an interesting aside that may illustrate this. The submissive that my lover and I met (and are playing with... yay!) has a friend who had talked to me on ICQ previously. (What can I say? NZ's a small country.) Anyway, her friend's reaction was "stay away from him, he's into whipping people!"

Which, as it happens, is quite untrue. I've never whipped anyone in my life! And nor do I intend to.

So the point I am making (do I have a point? Um, I think so) is this -- she needs to find out for herself. And probably the best source to find out from is to ask him. Because BDSM is a very rich topic, and a general education in BDSM may not describe what he is into.