Help...offline isn't like online

[NightingGale]

I lurk around here alot, and people seem to give good advice in this forum section...and thats what I need right now.

What do you do when the person you meet online isn't the same in the real world? I've known this man for over 2 years, but only online. That includes chatting using an IM, web cam, lots of phone calls...like it was serious, we talked almost constantly but never had the means to visit.

24 hours ago I would have said he was perfect for me. I fell in love with him because of his personality, and wit, and all that emotional stuff. There is a rather large age gap between us, a little more than 15 years, and I'm pretty young.

He has always been a very dominant, alpha male, commanding presence kind of person. He was always very mature and sophisticated but just going through a rough patch in his life.

I feel like I picked up the wrong person at the airport last night. This was supposed to be permanent, with the person I thought I knew better than anyone else, with my soulmate. Now I just feel sick to my stomach and "Oh my god what have I done" keeps running through my head...

I know I can be really naive, but I didn't think I was this fucking stupid. I don't know if this is just shock, or disappointment, or real regret. I know the original decision to have him move in with me was...trusting, and skipping alot of steps in between. And I can say "you don't understand" all I want, but I was in love with the man I've known for the past 2 years. The person I picked up at the airport is...soft. And not the man I thought I knew so well. Honestly speaking, the man I have somehow been somewhat supporting financially for a while because of his situation. I couldn't sit here knowing I had access to money (from a line of credit) when he couldn't afford to eat. I paid for him to come here too.

I don't know what to do. Do I give it a week or two to see what happens? I don't even know if I have the heart to do anything else. Can I call a cab to the airport, and send him out the door with his suitcases and a couple hundred bucks without feeling the need to kill myself because I'm kicking out someone who trusted me not to do that? Knowing he doesn't really have anywhere to go for more than a few weeks. Knowing I'm probably pushing someone right over the edge and breaking them forever?

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, and I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do.

EDIT: DO NOT send me some BS pm about an online relationship. Pretend to be a decent human being and leave me alone unless you have something helpful like some wonderful people who have messaged me.

 

[sunandshadow]

I'd give it a week. I dunno about you but I'm always extra-polite, humble, quiet, etc. when I'm first entering someone else's territory. I'd think it would be hard to feel and act like an alpha when you were a guest and on someone else's charity.

 

[billrichards41]

What is different now that he is there? Can you talk to him about it? If you can communicate perhaps you can tell him it's not what you thought it would be and ask him to leave. If it makes you feel better pay his way and think of it as money well spent.
Good Luck.

 

[subwannabe]

Sounds like you have hooked up with my current wife's ex-husband, Mr. Wonderful, until you get to know him better. You seem to say several good things about the first two years but really don't get specific at all about your current worries. You say he is currently going through a "rough patch" but I'm guessing he has had "rough patches" throughout his life. This can be evidenced by the fact that you imply he really doesn't have anywhere else to go, as in he can't live by himself, with friends, or family. That's more than just a "rough patch". You are in a bit of a pickle but you need to dump him as quickly and safely as you possibly can. Giving him a week is probably a big mistake and talking to him and giving him a week is probably an even bigger mistake. Hopefully you have family and friends who can help you with the process of dumping this loser. Please enlist their help and don't be afraid to fess up to them. The consequences of that are far less than getting in even deeper with this guy. Everyone makes mistakes and you need to admit it to yourself, learn from the experience, and move on. You may have to throw money at him to get rid of him but, believe me, this will be far less costly than continuing down the wrong road. Be safe and good luck.

 

[NightingGale]

I don't have friends or family I can turn to.

I don't know if I can really define whats different, its just setting off all these warning bells and instincts in my head, that were never there before we met in person. It's just a gut feeling that this is NOT what I was apparently led to believe, and I'm admitting my own stupidity in this whole thing.

I mean talking 24/7 and feeling like someone knows you better than anyone else ever has, and feeling the same way about them...this honestly didn't feel possible. That things would be this way now that we've met.

I'm too trusting and soft hearted. I can rarely say no to people, and I have to help people even if its going to hurt myself. That's whats happened here. I've helped him out financially into the thousands of USD. It started with a little bit here and there then just got worse and I couldn't say no. I can't say no to anyone, I paid for him to come in the first place.

Is there any chance this is just temporary, and that with a bit of time these feelings will go away?

 

[subwannabe]

No. This guy is a loser and a user and you have to do something about it right now. Don't wait. You are going to have to get rid of him NOW but find a way to do it safely so we don't have to read about someone finding your body. He will not change, ever. He is not going through a rough patch. This is the way he is and will always be. He has found the perfect pigeon and sucker in you and you need to do something about it, right now, safely. He is a conman. Don't try talking to him, allowing him the ability to con you further. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get rid of him.

 

[qrayze]

no, this is not temporary, these feelings will never go away.

You may want to take a step back and ask yourself several questions about this situation from a non-biased standpoint.

1. How many "alpha" males let women pay their way? A true alpha has a need to be the provider. He will take on second or third jobs just to make sure that their loved-ones are taken care of. I'm guessing that this guy hasn't even had a job for the two years you've known him?

2. If your best friend was in the same situation, what advice would you give her? If you were my best friend, I'd point out how this guy is just a narcisitic user, and I bet he is pretty good at controlling/manipulating.

3. Would he still love you/want to be with you/make you feel special if you told him that from now on, everything would be Dutch? You pay your way, he pays his way. He knows you have a hard time saying no to people, so he is using that against you to get you to take care of him. Chances are, if you put your foot down, he'd have to leech off of someone else.

"To thine own self be true."

This statement has become my mantra. It means doing what is best for YOU in every situation. It may sound selfish, but it's not. Hurting yourself (finances) because you feel you need to protect the emotions of another is not healthy.

Think about it. If he really cared for you and wanted to be with you to form an equal partnership, he would've found a way to fund his trip to you other than you.

You two don't have an equal partnership; you are his mommy. You are feeding him, housing him, probably picking up after him...and I'm guessing that this doesn't exactly turn u on?

You already know he's not the kind of guy you want, now, you just need to get to the point where you no longer care about how kicking him out of your home will affect him.

You need an ally. Doesn't have to be a friend or family member, just someone. A neighbor or co-worker could also help. They need to be able to stand next to you and back you up on your feelings and convictions. Also, to make sure the guy doesn't try to physically harm you.

Be strong. Put him in a hotel room, hostel, mission, somewhere, just get him out of your house. Then buy him a plane ticket to where he came from. If he has no where to go, tough. He's an adult, let him figure it out.

If you let him stay with you, he will suck you dry and quite possibly emotionally, if not also physically abuse you. I've known/dated guys like him before and they are BAD NEWS. It took me almost a year of support group counseling to overcome my co-dependency. Go ahead and google co-dependency; you'll find out why you can never say no.

I wish you the best of luck and courage. If I could, I'd help kick the guy out myself as I know how dangerous these types are.

 

[NightingGale]

I told him he is leaving tonight. He needs to get his stuff together and get out.

One minute hes saying he had friends he could have stayed with (he had to give up his townhouse he rented) then the next its nobody. I told him I don't care, he said he has friends. He said he has family he can stay with for a few weeks. I paid for a years storage for his stuff already.

He says he needs a few days, that hes not leaving until he finds somewhere to go. I told him hes leaving tonight, and to find somewhere now. I invited him to stay here, but now I want him to leave. If absolutely necessary, would the police assist me? I do not want him in my home anymore, and he is currently refusing to leave.

I am not completely alone, I do have two roommates even though we don't get along I'm sure if I screamed one of them would come see why I'm disturbing him. He left just now to go get smokes I assume.

He didn't get aggressive until I touched some of his things, removing a few things he hung in my closet and pulling whatever he put in my laundry basket out. So I think packing his suitcase or touching the rest of his things would just make it worse at this point.

Thank you qrayze. I have an even bigger problem on my hands than I thought I did. I was stupid and blind, sending him money I don't really even have. Medically, I can't work alot while I'm in school. So I just work a bit on the side, its a few hundred a month but most of that was going to him for stuff.

I feel like a sociopath for being able to just turn the emotions off and tell him to get the hell out...even him crying didn't bother me.

I had no idea you could go two years thinking everything would be perfect, to getting this horrible feeling the second you saw them in person.

 

[billrichards41]

Worse then you first mentioned.
You should let him know again that he has to go.
Easy for us to say on this thread but you do need him gone.
I hope it works out for you and for him as well. He seems like a troubled individual. If he doesn't leave right away, then go to the police department and tell them what is going on and see if they will come to the house and remove him.

 

[NightingGale]

I've just been repeating myself. You need to leave tonight. You can't stay here. I want you to leave.

etc etc. I don't know what else I can do at this point that's still reasonable. Its almost 5pm and hes trying to find somewhere to go. Off making a phone call now.

After pointing out what a heartless bitch I am for throwing him out on the street. And its really unfair that I'm not giving him a few days. I'm just trying to stay calm and repeat myself firmly. I don't need to start a real fight.

 

[billrichards41]

No you don't want it to turn physical. But still you can call the police and tell them your situation and see what they advise you to do. He is a stranger, not a tenant and while you invited him you can un invite him as well. Stay safe.

 

[subwannabe]

This really is for the best. The longer he stays the harder he will be to get rid of. Don't even let him stay the night. Give him money for one night in a hotel and a plane ticket back home if you have too (It might actually be better if you got him out of town). Also call the police if you have to. I'm assuming you're renting and he is not on the lease. Let him call you whatever he wants. He needs to go now, not tomorrow. You are doing the right thing. Sorry it didn't work out but at least you were smart enough to be firm with him and not let it keep going and going and going, like the energizer bunny.

 

[NightingGale]

Of course now that hes here he hasn't used money as an excuse for why he can't leave once. It was always his reason for not coming to visit, or for me to visit him. I've told him I'll give him money for a cab to the airport...but it doesn't seem like money is going to be an issue now. Which is a big red flag right there isn't it?

Hes stepped out again, when he gets back he needs to start packing his things and to leave. They have free wifi at the airport.

 

[qrayze]

You have no idea how unbelievably proud I am of you right now.

Call your police non-emergancy number and ask them to send over an officer to help with a domestic disturbance. Tell them that you have a no-longer-welcomed visitor who refuses to leave and has started to show violence towards you. This guy has now become a tresspasser and yes, the police can help make him leave.

Best of luck and courage!

 

[SweetErika]

He's used you more than enough. Don't give him another cent. Surely he came with enough to get a cab or bus to the airport, bus station, or wherever. And if he didn't, that's his problem, not yours.

If you have ANY sense that he won't leave on your terms, will turn aggressive or come back, call the police immediately. Helping people out of bad situations (and preventing worse ones) is exactly what they're there for. They should be able to take him to get a room for the night or bus station somewhere, as well as file a report so you can take measures if he comes back (and if he does, absolutely do not engage with him, let him in your home, etc. - make sure your roomies know the situation as well). Get yourself a restraining order, if necessary, and stay vigilant (watch your surroundings, stick with other people until you're safe in your car/home, etc.).

What you've done so far was incredibly unwise BUT you've put that behavior and mindset in the past by listening to your intuition and standing your ground. Stick with that, and let this open a new chapter of your life: one where you look for red flags, refuse to be used/abused, always put your own welfare first and DO say no to anything you're the slightest bit uncomfortable with. You're learning a very hard, expensive and good lesson here, hon. Don't let yourself forget it or repeat the same mistakes.

You said you were in school; does your school offer counseling? If so, take them up on it. Or, at the very least, look into codependency and low self-esteem. You don't deserve to be a doormat or victim.

And please continue to check in to let us know you're OK. Do you have someone you can give all of this guy's info to, just in case? I think the police are your best option at this point, but it never hurts to have extra plans in place.

Keep doing the right things for YOU and stay safe!

 

[NightingGale]

I just said I want him to leave before its dark outside, and he says hes not leaving until he has somewhere to go.

He came up to Canada from the USA, I don't know if that's going to make things more difficult, but once hes gone I'll only have to deal with his emotional and verbal attacks online.

I'm going to call the police non-emergency # now.

 

[subwannabe]

Definetly call the police. Don't let him say he's not leaving until he finds somewhere else to go.

 

[mtwain4u]

Of course now that hes here he hasn't used money as an excuse for why he can't leave once. It was always his reason for not coming to visit, or for me to visit him. I've told him I'll give him money for a cab to the airport...but it doesn't seem like money is going to be an issue now. Which is a big red flag right there isn't it?

Hes stepped out again, when he gets back he needs to start packing his things and to leave. They have free wifi at the airport.

How unpacked is he? Can you pack for him and have his bag by the door when he returns? Or, better yet, outside the door? Regardless of how bad you may feel about it, or how heartless some may view it, if the man isn't who you thought and you want him out he has no reason, excuse, or cause to still be in your place. It's your place, not his and - as you said - there's wifi at the airport.

 

[SweetErika]

I just said I want him to leave before its dark outside, and he says hes not leaving until he has somewhere to go.

He came up to Canada from the USA, I don't know if that's going to make things more difficult, but once hes gone I'll only have to deal with his emotional and verbal attacks online.

I'm going to call the police non-emergency # now.

Yes, give them a call. This guy isn't going to leave on his own without doing some kind of damage to you or your property (including your landlord's and roommate's stuff, which you may have to replace), I suspect. Give him a firm time, then enforce it. I don't suggest letting him in on your plan to involve the police.

If he got there, he must have a passport, so he should have no trouble getting back home. Worst case, he can room with the police or at a homeless shelter while he works on getting home, but that's not your concern. Plus, Canada is pretty good about kicking people out from what I hear. The great news is that if he creates enough of a stink, they'll likely never let him return, which will give you some protection.

And definitely block him online and elsewhere after this. You may even be able to get your phone company to block his calls if he's stalking you via that route.

 

[sweetdove2]

hey

Hope it gets better soon!

 

[NightingGale]

Just got back from the police station like 7.5 hours later.

I can't talk about it right now, don't feel up to it. If people want to know what happened I'll post tomorrow though.

He is gone though, I got him arrested without intending to. No charges, but hes been strongly encouraged to pretty much GTFO our country.

If he contacts me at all, I can call the police back and they'll lay criminal harassment charges. He left a gift on my bed when he was here with some officers to get his stuff..but I can't deal with that right now.

Time for a shower and then crying myself to sleep or something..

 

[SweetErika]

Just got back from the police station like 7.5 hours later.

I can't talk about it right now, don't feel up to it. If people want to know what happened I'll post tomorrow though.

He is gone though, I got him arrested without intending to. No charges, but hes been strongly encouraged to pretty much GTFO our country.

If he contacts me at all, I can call the police back and they'll lay criminal harassment charges. He left a gift on my bed when he was here with some officers to get his stuff..but I can't deal with that right now.

Time for a shower and then crying myself to sleep or something..

You did the right thing, and hopefully he'll take the advice to leave the country without further incident. If he doesn't, don't be afraid to press charges and send him back here for good.

This guy is not worth your tears, unless they're tears of joy. You've just escaped a very bad situation with your health and life, and you know your intuition works like a charm. You'll be just fine.

 

[BunnyHopper]

I feel like a sociopath for being able to just turn the emotions off and tell him to get the hell out...even him crying didn't bother me.

I think it actually might be the other way around. Acting all charming and being everything you ever wanted, until they get what they want, is something that sociopaths and narcissists do. When you have the time and the energy, look it up. It might actually help you understand what's happened. Obviously, I don't know all of it, so I'm just shooting in the dark here, but it just sounds familiar to me. You're not silly or stupid. It's very enticing to be sucked into that web. Been there, done that.

You've been remarkably brave. I hope you'll pull through!

 

[TheCarver]

Gale, you have been tremendous through the whole thing and you need to hold your head up. It was a foolish thing to do, but you fixed it. Good Job!


I'm subscribing just to see how things work out.

 

[subwannabe]

Great job. There have been soooo many women who didn't have your courage and lived a nightmere for weeks, months, years, and some even for life. There's something good that comes out of everything and maybe this was something you needed to happen to help give you the courage to stand up for yourself and say no in the future, allowing you to have a better life. Try to remember that when all of this starts sinking in and you start to get depressed. Everybody makes bad decisions in their life. Chalk this one up to that and move on. Good luck and I am very proud of you. You did the absolute right thing.