Help, New Wannabe Domme

[RavenKulkan]

Hi there, I'm a wannabe Domme who has no idea what she's doing really. So I'm going to lay it out in detail what I know and what I'm hoping for so that maybe someone on this site will take pity on me and help me out.

Me:
I'm a 32 year old attractive lipstick lesbian who is looking to better understand bdsm culture and how to be a good domme. I'm not interested in being rough or mean, I just want a sub who I can tease and please. I'm very much into dressing up and roleplaying, and I've always thought that sort of went with the whole domme thing to some degree. I'm open to a lot of things within the bounds of legality and so long as it isn't too violent. I'm eager to learn, and how best to be a proper domme to someone.

What I hope to find:
Anyone who is an experienced domme and wants to teach me what they know, or someone who is an experienced sub looking for a domme and wants to teach me from that perspective. I'm happy to take advice from whoever, and would also be interested in any information anyone cares to share on this thread. Or if you just want to be a friend I'd be happy with that too. If you're interested in helping please reply to this thread, or you can PM me directly. This is not an attempt at a personal ad, I genuinely am looking for a mentor or general help with this topic. Thanks!

 

[Nezhul]

So what exactly do you want? You say it isn't, but it really looks like an Ad.

If you have real questions regarding BDSM - ask. But no one's interested in you trying to find a partner.

The only tip I can give you now - BDSM is about a submissive. So if you find yourself a partner who likes A & B, but hates C - you don't do C even if you really-really want to. You only do A & B.
If you happen to hate doing A, then the only thing you two are left with is B, so it goes both ways. You either reach a consensus or find yourself a new partner, but as a dominant - you never force something onto a sub if he/she doesn't want it or dislikes it. Some subs will follow along if you pressure them, but it's not a healthy way to do it. It doesn't make you a great dominant if you can make your sub do something they don't want - it makes you an ass.

Of course there's a fine line to walk here, especially conserning punishments. Some activities you KNOW the sub isn't really looking forward to doing, but you also know that in the grand scheme they enjoy doing them. No one is looking forward to being punished. But some will look forward to be in a relationship where they CAN be punished - or will like it after the fact.
Walking this line takes knowing your partner really well. So I advise you not doing it in the first half a year or year of a relationship - do only the stuff you know is fun for both.

 

[SissySalina]

As a sissy and sub the most important thing is TRUST. A sub must be able to trust the dom, see the function and desire of any sub is to obey and follow the dom. This trust takes time and comes in steps, starting with communications. It is the dom's function and desire to lead the sub where the dom wants, which needs to be a place that satisfies the sub.

Hope this helps.

 

[Lascivity]

I don't think this reads like an ad, just FYI. If you're new to BDSM it can be useful to hang out at munches and meet people who'll show you how to do some of the scarier stuff without hurting or getting hurt (more than is intended anyway). But you can also learn technique just fine from the internet and books (people will try to convince you that you can't, but for anything except the more complex and dangerous stuff, ignore them).

That covers technique - IE how to actually do kinky stuff safely. But you seem to have some doubt about how to be a "proper" dome as well. That stuff's really up to you. Find a partner you like and want to play with, and then work out a situation that works for you. There really is no "proper" way, other than playing safe. Have fun!

 

[Bramblethorn]

^^^ what Lascivity said. Beyond the basic safety and consent stuff, BDSM can be pretty much anything you and your partner want to make it; there's certainly room for gentle dommes.

 

[RavenKulkan]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the advice. I feel like everyone made a useful point, and I'll definitely consider all of it. I'm glad I can be gentle and a domme at the same time. I wasn't going into this idea with the idea of forcing anyone to do what I want, and knowing that its all about trust is where I'll start things in the future.

 

[cookiecat]

Sounds like you're looking to take this to real life vs. strictly online? If so, I second the suggestion to seek out local stuff in your neck of the woods. You can google something like "bdsm munches (your town)" or join a site like Fet Life and look for local groups.

Exploring online, like you are now, is a good start to learn terminology, different ideas, get to know folks. So you're off to a good start! This is a link to a thread started on Female Domme / male sub but I think some of the ideas could be useful for F/f too.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1389900