Help needed

[J_Brandice]

I'm sorry if this the wrong place to post. I've been a reader here for many years but have been trying to write for a while and usually give up at the first hurdle. This time I'm trying to persevere but hit another brick wall.
I'm trying to write from both male and female perspectives at the same time and there is a scene where the woman is voyeuristically masturbating, a little furtively. What I've written is flat and dull. No matter how many scenes I've read from others I'm still struggling to make it long enough and descriptive enough. It would be great if anyone could spare a few minutes or give some pointers.

 

[barefootgirl69]

What if you put yourself there and describe what you'd like to see as you watch her?

Why do you think that what you've already written needs more?

 

[J_Brandice]

The scene is a woman looking at a man through a crack in the door and feeling an extreme desire out of nowhere, as surprising to her, a compulsion, and she begins to touch herself, it snow balls from there. Its shorter than I would like and descriptively not as sexy as I want. Partly mechanically and partly struggling to convey the idea that though she's mortified about what she's doing (out of character) the response her body is giving takes over. Maybe the idea is dumb.

 

[barefootgirl69]

No, it's not a dumb idea. It will be something new that I've not seen before on Lit.

 

[J_Brandice]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

 

[barefootgirl69]

That's a great start!

 

[NickAxel]

The scene is a woman looking at a man through a crack in the door and feeling an extreme desire out of nowhere, as surprising to her, a compulsion, and she begins to touch herself, it snow balls from there. Its shorter than I would like and descriptively not as sexy as I want. Partly mechanically and partly struggling to convey the idea that though she's mortified about what she's doing (out of character) the response her body is giving takes over. Maybe the idea is dumb.

With what you’ve written below, I would lose the idea of her looking through a crack in the door and change to looking out the window. A high back chair that she can use to hide what her hands are doing. Perhaps boldly standing there without him being aware that she has her fingers deep inside her excitement.

 

[Vammatar]

The opening lines have rhythm and tempo, they draw you in like a musical hook.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

If you think that that's flat and dull and not good enough, you have exceedingly high standards.

 

[8letters]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

If you went to lengthen it, I suggest you make dots to connect. By dots, I mean make a list of things he does and she does. Your list for him might be:
* He enters the garden
* He walks over to a certain part of the garden
* He looks around
* He walks over to a part of the fence
* He looks over the fence
* He looks around again
* He walks over to another part of the garden
* He bends over and picks something up from the ground
* He looks around one last time
* He walks out of the garden

Now that you have his dots, you can start connecting them with descriptions of him and descriptions of the woman's reaction to seeing him.

 

[Voboy]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

I don’t see how that’s bad.

I’d recommend NOT getting hung up on some “desired length” (tee hee) for any part of any story, especially a sensual part. It’s as long as it needs to be, no shorter and no longer. The reader will appreciate a well-paced story.

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

Reads well to me. You've got an easy to read, natural flow. I'd keep going with that, maybe weave in more of her thoughts, building up on her reaction. Follow that faster heartbeat to the end...

 

[MelissaBaby]

Respectfully, I think I can "lively up" that segment without changing a word.

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning.

Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat.

It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working.

Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt.

She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy.

It was just the way he was.

 

[Djmac1031]

This is a section: In my mind he's supposed to be like the old diet coke add guy, - and have a similar effect on women. What we all dream of being!

She’d been cleaning, was supposed to be cleaning. Then he’d appeared outside. Fresh from some ride or run, she guessed, though she had no idea where he’d come from. He looked out of place, walking into the garden like he owned it. His T-shirt clung to his broad chest, soaked through with sweat. It wasn’t just his body; it was how he moved, as though his frame filled the space around him. His posture was natural, easy, the kind of muscle built by work, not the gym. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs and backside, and everything about him made her breath hitch.

For a second, she forgot she was even supposed to be working. Her eyes followed his movements, how his arms stretched and flexed as he wiped his brow, then reached to peel off his soaked t-shirt. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to look longer. Her heart beat a little faster. He wasn’t trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

This is... some damn fine writing.

You need to stop second guessing yourself and trust what you write.

I say this as someone who constantly doubts my own work too.

 

[TheLobster]

This is... some damn fine writing.

This is some damn fine trolling.

OP comes in, melodramatically declares that what she writes is flat and dull, and then drops a piece of very respectable erotic prose that only requires paragraph breaks and maybe swapping a few words to put it in the literary top 10% of what you can find on this site.

At that point, the onus is on the OP to prove she didn’t just create this thread to fish for compliments, because by golly, it sure as hell looks like it.

 

[StillStunned]

I won't say the writing is flat and dull, but there's room for improvement. A lot of the details are inconsistent, and not presented in a logical order. It reads like a writer's stream of consciousness, not the narrator's.

Here's a quick version of how I would edit it if I had free rein:



So it comes out something like this:

***
She’d been cleaning, was still supposed to be cleaning. Until he appeared outside in the garden. Fresh from a ride, she judged from the jeans and t-shirt he was wearing, or perhaps some job that kept him outside in the heat.

He looked out of place in the neat garden, striding forward like he owned the place. His jeans hung low on his hips, the denim tight around his thighs, and his sweat-soaked t-shirt clung to his broad chest. He possessed the kind of physique that could only come from long hours of hard work.

It wasn’t just his body that made her breath hitch, though. It was how he moved, with a natural ease, his frame seeming to fill the tame space around him and drawing her gaze like gravity.

For a moment, all thought of working fled her mind. He paused and wiped his face, and her eyes caught every movement of the shining muscles of his arms as he peeled off his t-shirt.

She bit her lip, fighting the urge to look longer. Fighting, and failing. She felt her heart beat inside her. This wasn’t a man who was trying to be sexy. It was just the way he was.

***

 

[StillStunned]

Well, that seems to have killed this thread deader than dead.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Well, that seems to have killed this thread deader than dead.

StillStunned writes as StillStunned does, but the OP writes differently .

I think the OP was needlessly insecure. It wasn't a bad little snippet; I think they were overthinking, not stepping back enough.

 

[StillStunned]

StillStunned writes as StillStunned does, but the OP writes differently .

I think the OP was needlessly insecure. It wasn't a bad little snippet; I think they were overthinking, not stepping back enough.

Style is a matter of taste, but there were bits that needed editing. For instance, you see a man in denims and a t-shirt, your first thought isn't going to be that he's been for a run. And if he's walking towards you, no matter how tightly his jeans are hugging his thighs, you can't see his arse.

Most of the other changes were about a logical flow and making the language a bit more vivid. Like I mentioned, it reads like a writer's stream of consciousness, trying to piece together a scene, rather than following the narrator's awareness.

 

[Djmac1031]

it reads like a writer's stream of consciousness, trying to piece together a scene, rather than following the narrator's awareness.

Writer's stream of conciousness is something I see a lot in editing; be it my own work or that of others.

And its perfectly acceptable; I always say just get the damn words out, edit them later.

But then there's certainly a difference between "stream of conciousness" and "incoherent rambling."

I thought the OPs initial post was fine over all but yes, needed editing. But it was understandable enough and certainly not as dry or emotionless as they thought.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Describe her body's reactions. Heart beating faster, breathing harder, sweating, lip trembling as her orgasm builds. Add an inner monologue. "Oh, God, why am I doing this and why does it feel so good?"