Help...need advice on a situation

[DelicateFlower]

Hi...new to the Lit forums and I know everyone here is rather helpful...


My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We have been living together since February of this year. Everything has been great up until recently. Now we fight constantly, mainly about the house. He works 9-5 and I work 12:30-12:30, so when I get home, I'm too exhausted to do anything about cleaning the house. I spend most of my days off doing an entire room full of laundry and other cleaning. He says that he will do anything around the house that I ask him too, but I say that I shouldn't have to tell him to do anything.

All this fighting is wreaking havoc on our sex life as well. We can't stop fighting long enough to have sex...

I do NOT want to stop being with him, but I need advice on what to do. Anything I try usually ends up with us in another fight. I'm stumped.

People of Lit...gimme a hand.

DF

 

[bisexplicit]

Okay, the fact is, people have different levels of what they consider "clean." And although you may not want to be his mother, you very well might have to tell him what you want done - its a lot easier than fighting about it. He can't be a mind-reader. Eventually, he'll learn that if you make a list every day that says "do the dishes in the sink" then he'll get that thats a daily chore that needs to be done.
Until then, its gonna be a pain in the ass, but making lists will be helpful.
Best of luck.

 

[whatdoesthi]

break his xbox with fury

 

[DelicateFlower]

break his xbox with fury

I can't possibly do that....I enjoy the Xbox as well...

 

[silverwhisper]

OK, firstly: whose house is it?

secondly: you spend less of your day there than he does. 12 hours vs his 8 hours? that's 4 whole hours where you aren't there that he theoretically is. ?

bi's comment about different comfort levels w/ cleanliness is an important one. my wife's idea of clean is not where i would ideally like it to be, but on some things, you have to compromise.

you talk about the stuff you do around the house. what does he do?

ed

 

[DelicateFlower]

OK, firstly: whose house is it?

secondly: you spend less of your day there than he does. 12 hours vs his 8 hours? that's 4 whole hours where you aren't there that he theoretically is. ?

bi's comment about different comfort levels w/ cleanliness is an important one. my wife's idea of clean is not where i would ideally like it to be, but on some things, you have to compromise.

you talk about the stuff you do around the house. what does he do?

ed

I guess it would be both of ours. When we moved in together, we found a different apartment complex altogether.

I probably do have a different meaning of "clean" than he does, and I do take that into consideration. I was raised in a home where you could eat off the floors on a daily basis and I guess some of that rubbed off on me.

He usually will straighten things up but unless I tell him exactly what to do, it doesn't get done. I will take bi's advice on leaving lists of things...maybe that will help.

DF

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm not so sure about the list thing. if i were you, i'd make sure that you guys discuss it together before doing something like that.

so you're sharing the rent? that may actually be significant.

ed

 

[sapos]

my wife and I are the same way she is at work and I'm at home. I can live with a lot more mass than she can. We get into lots of fights over it and let me tell you it always comes down to me seeing things diferently than she does. So this is what we do...she tells me what needs doing I do it. In her eyes I am a stupid male that needs his hand held and in my eyes I am doing the things to make her happy it works for both of use.

 

[DelicateFlower]

i'm not so sure about the list thing. if i were you, i'd make sure that you guys discuss it together before doing something like that.

so you're sharing the rent? that may actually be significant.

ed

Yes...we pay equally on all the bills and the rent. Whatever is left over we either buy something we want (Xbox game or DVD) or just save it for the next round of bills. It just depends on how much is left after all the bill paying.

 

[bisexplicit]

Yeah, obviously the list thing needs to be discussed beforehand, but he said he was willing to help out as long as he was told what needs to be done...

 

[borisk]

If your cant manage your responsabilities and I can see nothing but DOOM for the relationship. Grow up or get moving on. Why do you need to tell or write down simple everyday items. I mean how difficult is it to look over and see " hey there is a lot of laundry and dishes in the sink. I think I will help." without having to ask.

now if my wife hase something specific she has to tell me, I can not read minds.

Do you work compressed? 3/4 weeks? I worked compressed and all my responsabilities were done on my weekends. I know what its like to get home, eat, relax and then go to bed all within 2 hrs of getting home.

I hope things work out, I would hate for you to loose 2 years of your life after things get so bad he/she cheats. 1 year isnt so bad.

Good luck
Boris

 

[SweetErika]

We sat down calmly and made a list of what each of our jobs would be, and the things we'd do together. We also talked about what each of those jobs entailed. Years later, we're pretty much sticking to the list...I cook, he does dishes and cleans the kitchen (in man fashion though -- I have to remind him to clean certain things), I do laundry, he takes out the trash, I dust and vacuum, he does the things I ask for help with. If I need help with something or it's a chore that's important to both of us (e.g. organizing, shopping), we'll find a time to do it together.

I always try to ask (like for a favor) instead of tell, and thank him for doing something, even if it's his job. When he neglects to do something, I have no problem doing it for him, but I'll often say, "Honey, I noticed ___ was dirty, so I cleaned it. Could you please include that next time?" or "I spent a few hours doing ____. Would you be willing to help me out by doing _____?"

I also noticed sometimes he genuinely forgets or doesn't realize it needs to be done. In that case, as long as it's not a time-sensitive thing, I'll ask him if he could do it before going to work, bed, by the end of the week, etc. He does the same for me, and I can't remember when we last fought about anything household related.

 

[DelicateFlower]

We sat down calmly and made a list of what each of our jobs would be, and the things we'd do together. We also talked about what each of those jobs entailed. Years later, we're pretty much sticking to the list...I cook, he does dishes and cleans the kitchen (in man fashion though -- I have to remind him to clean certain things), I do laundry, he takes out the trash, I dust and vacuum, he does the things I ask for help with. If I need help with something or it's a chore that's important to both of us (e.g. organizing, shopping), we'll find a time to do it together.

I always try to ask (like for a favor) instead of tell, and thank him for doing something, even if it's his job. When he neglects to do something, I have no problem doing it for him, but I'll often say, "Honey, I noticed ___ was dirty, so I cleaned it. Could you please include that next time?" or "I spent a few hours doing ____. Would you be willing to help me out by doing _____?"

I also noticed sometimes he genuinely forgets or doesn't realize it needs to be done. In that case, as long as it's not a time-sensitive thing, I'll ask him if he could do it before going to work, bed, by the end of the week, etc. He does the same for me, and I can't remember when we last fought about anything household related.

That sounds as if it might work. We have tried to discuss things like this, but I usually end up taking the offensive on these kinds of things. I've tried to stop doing that, but I get really frustrated easily, especially because of my work. Hopefully with some time off this week we can calmly sit and discuss these things without it turning into WWIII.

 

[DevilsAngel369]

Okay, the fact is, people have different levels of what they consider "clean." And although you may not want to be his mother, you very well might have to tell him what you want done - its a lot easier than fighting about it. He can't be a mind-reader. Eventually, he'll learn that if you make a list every day that says "do the dishes in the sink" then he'll get that thats a daily chore that needs to be done.
Until then, its gonna be a pain in the ass, but making lists will be helpful.
Best of luck.

Making a list has been the most effective method for us. My wife is a lot more into cleaning than i am. So now she writes down on a list everything that needs to get done. I go through the list and tick them off as i go through it.

Distribution is also a good way, she cooks, i do the dishes routine works well for us as well. she cleans the coutners of the bathrooms, but i clean the shower/tub. etc..

Good luck

 

[Ezzy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year.

We have been living together since February of this year. Everything has been great up until recently. Now we fight constantly, mainly about the house.

He works 9-5 and I work 12:30-12:30, so when I get home, I'm too exhausted to do anything about cleaning the house.

I spend most of my days off doing an entire room full of laundry and other cleaning.

He says that he will do anything around the house that I ask him too, but I say that I shouldn't have to tell him to do anything.

All this fighting is wreaking havoc on our sex life as well. We can't stop fighting long enough to have sex...

I do NOT want to stop being with him, but I need advice on what to do. Anything I try usually ends up with us in another fight. I'm stumped.

Make a list of the things that need doing daily, weekly and monthly.

Try and standardize shopping so that it can be done by either of you (HIM really), ask him to spend an hour out of the 4 he is home alone to do a number of the smaller jobs or the prep work so you can complete a job when you get in.

One that I have had like this is to unload and load 90% of the dishes in the dishwasher and preload the dishwasher soap, all that needs doing is the last couple of dishes that get used put in, the door shut and the cycle started. (About 15 minutes most days).

Another job would be to start a load of laundry, presort it and leave him instructions on how to load the machine, what soap and conditioner you use and how long it takes (roughly) he can go and sit and play the xbox, but when the laundry cycle is through he will need to transfer the laundry to the dryer. If he does 1 (one) load a day you can make it so that you rotate through, Whites, Colors, Jeans, Linnen, Everything else, that covers most of the work you catch up on on Saturdays. (10 minutes to start plus 5 minutes changing to the dryer)

It is better that you get him to do 3 or 4 small jobs that add up to 1 (one) hour of work than 1 job that lasts a full hour.

Straightening up the bathroom and vacumming the lounge (About 15 minutes at each).

Then the next day after the dishwasher and the laundry, 15 minutes cleaning the kitchen counters and the stove top, and 15 minutes vacumming the bedroom and sweeping the bathroom floor.

If he has these jobs set out like this you can show him how much that will help out , in so many ways.

If you like to buy food fresh daily, sit down and work out a weeks meals ahead of time, plan the shopping list for each, then ask him to fill the list on his way home, if you prefer to not let him loose on the shopping do it once a week and go with him when you do it. Perhaps on Saturdays now you don't have to do 5 or 6 loads of laundry on Saturdays.

As has been said a time or two on here, the main thing that is missing that is really causing most of the trouble here is lack of communication. I am sure that he won't feel too put upon if that 1 hour a day of extra jobs can get him his sex life back!

 

[AAkasha]

Get a maid.

Seriously, if you can afford it -- even 2x/month and work it into your budget by eliminating some leisure costs. At least for things like bathrooms, floors, kitchen -- where you might have been used to "cleanliness" rather than just neatness.

And allow him to keep one area (out of normal view) as cluttered as he wants as long as the rest of the place is free from unwanted messes.

Akasha

 

[Bandit58]

Get a maid.

Seriously, if you can afford it -- even 2x/month and work it into your budget by eliminating some leisure costs. At least for things like bathrooms, floors, kitchen -- where you might have been used to "cleanliness" rather than just neatness.

And allow him to keep one area (out of normal view) as cluttered as he wants as long as the rest of the place is free from unwanted messes.

Akasha

Gil is more of a clean freak than I am, so we decided to get a friend in once a fortnight for 3 hours to do the bulk of the cleaning. That way he is happy with the state of the unit and I am happy I don't have to clean as much!

I don't mind shopping, doing dishes, laundry or cooking, but cleaning floors and dusting and mopping have always been a major dislike of mine. It is $60 well spent as both of us are less stressed.

 

[DelicateFlower]

Thanks to everyone for their advice and great ideas. We are going to talk abou tall this this weekend after his daughter goes home. Hopefully some will work.


DF

 

[Leeleigh]

Making a list of the things that need to be done, discussing the list and then assigning tasks of what is to be done and when is a must. If either of you takes on a task that you have never done before, or needs to be done in a very specific manner(ie laundry-- no colors with whites) Then write down the instructions as if you were writing a text book, ie
A-sort white clothes, put them in the laundry basket
B-take laundry basket to the washing machine
C-turn machine on, measure xx amount of soap, pour in washer

I will tell you a secret that was passed on to me by an older friend.
treat him like a dog..thats right, a dog.. More specifically a puppy that you are training. For everything he does right, reward him. Give him lots of praise, thank him and show him lots of love while praising him. If he does it wrong, don't get upset and yell at him.. Simply gently remind him that he forgot to do so and so, and that it needs to be done, then give him a kiss ask that he go take care of it and give him a tiny taste of what his reward will be for doing it.

They say that you can't treat an old dog new tricks.... Wanna bet!! My SE was 23 years older than me. I started doing this when he was in his mid 50's and changed his ways. He not only did his chores, but would do mine when he knew I was having to work longer hours on the job. He even started cooking things on the days he got home before me, or the days he was off. It works, and it makes them feel good and appreciated.. believe me..

My older friend.. Her husband does all the cleaning, cooking and laundry. She knew what she was talking about

 

[DelicateFlower]

Just wanted to give everyone who gave me wonderful advice an update...

We talked about everything...from the laundry to the inches of dust on the furniture.

I came home last night and most of the dusting was done, and this morning when I got up the kitchen was clean and the dishwasher was running.

We aren't making lists so to speak, but when he comes in he looks over the whole apartment and does what he thinks needs to be done.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my post.

DF

 

[silverwhisper]

that's great! it seems that it went better than you dared to hope, which is always the best kind of result IMHO. :>

ed

 

[DelicateFlower]

that's great! it seems that it went better than you dared to hope, which is always the best kind of result IMHO. :>

ed

Nope...wasn't that hard at all. I thought he would be more defensive than he was, but he admittied to dropping the ball...


DF

 

[Leeleigh]

Nope...wasn't that hard at all. I thought he would be more defensive than he was, but he admittied to dropping the ball...


DF

now make sure that you praise him, thank him... he will remember that and do it again..

 

[AppleBiter]

I admit, I haven't read through the whole thread, so forgive me if I repeat something someone else has already said. I think it's important for you both to recognize and validate that you are both tired and neither one of you feels like doing a damn thing when you're on your off time -- no one does. That's the number one thing, I think: Validation.

Secondly, I'm married and we live with a roommate (so I live with two men), hence the house tends to get dirty fast. I was exasperated because I was going to school full-time and didn't have time to get all the cleaning done, thus the house got messier and messier and it felt like no one was helping. In my house, we have what is known as "The Asshole Jar." Anytime you're a blatant asshole, you put a dollar in the jar. This gave me an idea!

I set up rules for cleaning up after yourself (I even alotted a certain amount of time that your mess was allowed to go uncleaned, in case you were really busy). If you broke the rules or let something sit uncleaned past the time limit, you owed The Asshole Jar x-amount of money. For instance, if you left a dish in the sink, the first day it was .10, the next day, it was .50, all the way up to $20 and beyond. This REALLY motivated the men in my house!! They turned into Merry Maids before my very eyes! lol

BTW, the money in The Asshole Jar goes towards something everyone in the house wants. So, we could all buy a new TV, go on a vacation, or whatever with that money. Everyone wins.

Just a suggestion!

AppleBiter

 

[DevilsAngel369]

Just wanted to give everyone who gave me wonderful advice an update...

We talked about everything...from the laundry to the inches of dust on the furniture.

I came home last night and most of the dusting was done, and this morning when I got up the kitchen was clean and the dishwasher was running.

We aren't making lists so to speak, but when he comes in he looks over the whole apartment and does what he thinks needs to be done.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my post.

DF

Congrats to both of you