Help? My fiancee 'might' be a D/s .. ?

[Merism]

So... yea, new member here, and I need help. I'm engaged to a wonderful girl, fantastic, I'm addicted to her, and would do anything for her (and have.) We pushed to get engaged just before leaving college (i graduated, she transferred) and she went away to work for the summer at a theater until our lease begins in august at our new place.

Upon her getting there she began to forget "us" and started becoming sexually attracted to all of the guys there thanks to me being 400 miles away. Lately I've discovered that she's sexually unhappy with us. She's never orgasmed, though she's lied to me and said she did, she refuses to masturbate, refuses to watch porn for ideas or whatnot, and refuses things like anal (not that I'm upset about that, I'm a little timid there myself)

She told me she wants me to occasionally just, well, ravage her. Control her, take charge, confidence, be a "man" and just seduce her and have my way with her. She has this predetermined, premeditated concept of what sex should be like, and she doesn't understand that a female orgams isn't going to elevate her to the freaking heavens and slowly let her back down to earth. We usually stick to just a few positions, starting with me going down on her to get her aroused, then missionary, then cowgirl/cowboy or whatever (where she sits on top of me while I lay down) and that's about it. We've tried chairs, desks, counters, things like that, but thanks to rhythm and physics it doesn't usually work for us.

My paranoia has me believing our engagement/future might be in jeopordy if I can't find a way to sexually dazzle the hell out of this girl and fulfill these helaciously high expectations she's convinced herself to have. We've talked on and off, and what I've decided to do (I don't see her 'til July 17th) is go out and get a vibrator, since she isn't terrified of that specific toy, and I've already had a few friends offer insight as to what I can do.

I need your help everyone, I need to find this fabled g-spot, I need to find a way to "ravage" her, and seduce her, and just completely knock her socks off and make her beg me for more. Locations are limited as she's in a campus apartment for the summer, with a horrifically bouncy single bed, in a large room with barely anything in it.

She's also young, she'll be 20 soon, and she often pretends to be super mature and adult-like, then in situations like this claims to be too young to do anything about it. She states she's done everything she knows how to, and has thus given up on trying things new, as she doesn't know what else to do.

Please help, I'll be checking this thread pretty often!

Thanks in advance

hopeful

 

[Private_Label]

Fables

and she doesn't understand that a female orgams isn't going to elevate her to the freaking heavens and slowly let her back down to earth.

Um, for a very very long time I wondered what all the fuss about female orgasms was about. Until I actually had one. While I did and still do enjoy the nice feelings I get as having a less dramatic pleasuring...

I can only say that ~In My Opinion~ to think that her request for them as being unreasonable ~ if she isn't happy sexually with herself, that frustration may bleed over into other areas of your relationship. (edited for clarity)

I was about 30 before I actually had something that showed me what they were all talking about. It took a couple of vibrators and a lot of batteries. Yes, you have tried a few different things to help her, but you have not found that which will help her reach what she desires. She just needs more stimulation than the things you have tried currently.

Maybe the vibrator will work and maybe not, it worked for me once and after about 25 minutes or so and only because I had other things there keeping it pressed hard against my clit. I completely wore out a set of batteries. Note: this didn't work every time, but it was what showed me what could work and made me hopeful. Note: I don't ask that I have a mind blowing orgasm every time, but I do like them occasionally.

I asked a friend about the g-spot once and he said put your fingers inside, press towards the front and then push your fingers up. I have no practical experience on this, so I can't say if it will work or not.

If your SO has had experiences that have given her orgasms; please ask what she was doing or having done at the time and try the same positions/motions.

I's also suggest ~since your SO seems to crave orgasms at least occasionally~ that you sit down and have a heart to heart with her and find out how often/when she would appreciate being dazzled. She may surprise you with her answer. She may be willing for just OK most of the time, as long as you do dazzle her at least some of the time.

You've tried chairs and counters, how about a couple of pillows under the rump to change the angle of attack? How about getting the "Joy of Sex" and looking through it together?

Knowing that I have a difficult time stimulating myself to orgasm I certainly won't expect my partner to be successful every time we play together, but I know it can be done, and would appreciate the help getting there once in a while.

I do think that if she can't talk to you honestly about if she has had an orgasm or not, it is a troubling sign of the state of your relationship. To me, that would be a hell of a lot more important than whether I was getting my rocks off or not. If she is afraid that telling you the truth would make you unhappy enough to leave her, how will you survive other equally tough problems?

 

[Merism]

She hasn't ever actually lied to me, more like "fibbed." She's "almost" orgasmed, many times, and believed that she actually did once, until she later (during a heart to heart when I was visiting her last) she said that she never actually has, ever, in her life.

"Dazzle her" is something I want to do, I just don't know WHAT to do. I've heard that this fabled g-spot is straight inside, then make like a "come here" motion with your index finger until you find some spongy area, and it's around there. I've explored that region a ton but in total vain.

I blow things out of proportion when we are far apart and I get very paranoid. I don't think our relationship is in trouble, it's been almost two years, but sexually I know I need help. Are there any basic things/techniques that girls really like having done to them between the worlds of (for lack of a better term) vanilla intercourse, and this submission/domination stuff that I could experiment to see if it's what she truly means?

Talking heart to heart about it is very important, but I don't want our next sexual encounter to seem completely planned, schemed, thought out, and throughly discussed, else it seems rather commercial and expected. I want to bring something to the table that she didn't expect, that will dazzle, so to speak.

 

[Netzach]

Nobody can "give you" orgasms, IMX. If she's going to passively wait for you to "make" her cum, and not work at it as an active participant to any degree, it's not going to happen.

Sexual satisfaction, even for the most submissively oriented person, is something you have to strive for yourself to some degree. I think if someone believes she's not going to cum...well she won't. Some women don't and are largely OK with that, or they have a hard time of it and that's ok too. Sex is not always about orgasm. What seems weird to me is that she's having a hard time of it/less orgasmic and wants you to "be a man" and fix that, like you would the sink.

Some women have G spot orgasms and some don't. Some women have clitoral orgasms and some hate direct clitoral stimulation. There's no physical recipie that I can recommend which will necessarily apply to your girl.

You are both young. I would say, not to be the voice of doom, that vast sexual incompatibility is not a good foot to start a marriage out on. I would not make that next step until and unless this gets some resolution. I was in a relationship I thought would last forever that DID end based on sexuality issues, and I am now in a relationship where we are sexually compatible. It makes a huge difference, to me anyway.

 

[Merism]

That's the thing, I feel that our relationship is endangered by both us being so far apart for the entire summer, as well as us being "sexually incompatable." We aren't incompatable that's the thing, she enjoys it, she's told me this. She just wants to experience something more, and she's afraid that I can't give it to her, and I haven't done anything to prove her otherwise thus far. I love her too much, if I lose her I don't know what I'd do.

 

[Vixandra]

Couple of threads to read:

"Try this and report back" the allusive G-spot thread. It works, really!
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=70892

If you're looking for some D/s related concept stuff, might check out the SRP forum or the Cafe Chateau: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=204968

I've found confidence to be one of the sexiest things possible. If you walk in, tell her to strip, NOW, no questions asked and play it up from there, even if that confidence is just an act, all she sees is her lover taking charge and such.

Also, previous posts are right, talk to the girl. Tell her your fantasy and have her return the favor. Or send her the link to the story side of Lit and have her reply back with some of the stories that push her buttons.
Good luck!

 

[Quint]

a.) I'm 21 right now. When I was engaged the first time, I was 19. I thought I was mature for my age; I thought I had a lot of shit figured out about who I was, what I wanted, who I wanted to be with. This is where I'm coming from because I recognize a lot of myself in your post. So here's what I have to say:

b.) It's very hard for me to orgasm. I always hear and I firmly believe that libido and physical ability to orgasm improve with age. I was used to masturbating and I always have to focus extremely hard on an extremely exciting fantasy in order to push me from "yeah, that feels good" to "yeah, that gets me off." It's hard on both me and my partner...if you let it be. To me, satisfying sex does not need an orgasm.

c.) My g-spot doesn't really work. Only twice have I orgasmed from stimulating it, and both times involved me working myself up for an hour by rubbing my clit after forced sexual deprivation. In other words, it was incredibly difficult and if I hadn't been so desperate, I probably could have gone my entire life without doing it. Also, it didn't feel much different to me than clitoral orgasms. Nice, but again, I've had better sex that was totally come-free.

d.) My first fiancee and I were not sexually compatible. I always had bigger, more detailed and structured fantasies than he did; I got bored faster than he did; I'm less inclined towards monogamy than he was. Power made me lusty in a big way. I also wanted to be ravished, and my fiancee was very sweet and sincere and I couldn't fear him. Part of that was because we started off as sweethearts, so by the time we acted out a "rape fantasy," I had no context upon which to view him as my rapist. There have to be the little clues, the foreplay, the build-up beforehand to establish your multifaceted role in the relationship.

e.) Again, I can't stress enough: I'm young. Your fiancee is young. I'm thinking about my school and my career and I'm excited about life and things are just taking off for me. Things are wild and energetic, and I want my sex life to reflect that as well. I felt with Fiancee #1 that we had already been married for 30 years. I was comfortable. I didn't want comfort.

And that's my explanation. I'll let you draw what lessons you will out of it. Regardless, I feel for you and wish you the best in your situation.

 

[JupitersGirl]

<snip> ... and she doesn't understand that a female orgams isn't going to elevate her to the freaking heavens and slowly let her back down to earth.

Why not? They do me.

Sorry for your problems. Be sure to check out the g-spot thread Vixandra posted for you. That might be a wonderful vehicle for you.

Good luck!

 

[MR.GGG]

BIG Probs , dude

Hi OK I'm gonna be blunt here. She sounds like a VERY immature and silly girl who needs to grow up a lot before (if I were you) pinning my hopes, dreams, aspirations and a MARRIAGE on her.

There are a LOT of women who think that men have some kind of owner's manual on female physiology and it is up to US to make them happy, make them secure, make them CUM. One minute she lies (LIES - fibbing doesn't include destroying your ego by saying yes and then NO about something as important as an orgasm, OK?) and says you're OK in bed and then she blows you away and off my saying she's never cum or to be more accurate YOU'VE never made her cum.

There is a HUGE diff between having some semi rape FANTASY and how making love really works. She says she needs you to be a caveman. If you're a caveman and nothing happens she'll want you to be "sensitive"... It is the oldest and most idiotic claim any woman can make ... ""If you really loved me you'd KNOW (what to do - what to say - what the problem REALLY is, how hard I need it, How soft I wanted it, etc etc etc). ""

One thing is FOR SURE if SHE doesn't know how to cum by herself then you will probably not be able to do it for her. The Gspot works when a woman is extremely turned on and it doesn't sound like she is allowing herself to get to that point at all. You could get in there and pound away all night but unless her nerve clusters are all primed and ready to go it'll probably just hurt after a while. I've got PM after M saying that the technique didn't work. When I ask them to describe how it went the describe a quick clinical "strike" where they think this is going to blow her socks off, they don't prime her at all, turn her over and start jabbing away. There are 60 some odd PAGES of posts that detail how horny you have to get her FIRST before anything happens. Once she knows how it works and how it feels it is a truly awesome way to make (MAKE) a girl orgasm hard, quickly and as many times as YOU want to MAKE her BUT the first time can be really hard if you don't do everything else first and she doesn't sound like she's left home plate let alone getting to any of the bases.

I hate to say it because I KNOW what it feels like to be in love at your age but this technique will probably NOT fulfill the miracle you're looking for to save your relationship. To me it sounds like it's already toast and it's her fault not yours. She just has a really piss poor attitude towards sex (lying, not trying to help etc etc) and to you too.

Good luck but my BEST advice to you is let her go. Maybe hope she'll cum back to you one day when she grows up but it doesn't sound like that's going to be anytime soon. Try a vibrator but be careful because YOU are not going to be able to match the feeling of the vibrator. It may get her fired up enough that the G technique will work but that's a big IF.

The actual mechanics of working the Gspot are quite clear on the TRY THIS thread and whether she's on her face buns up or face up doesn't matter. The GSpot is in the same spot on the front wall of her vagina. If it DOES WORK then that'd be great but I honestly feel HER problems are not going to be solved by doing this even if it were to work. I think that if she is acting like this at 19 you're best to keep looking around, dating and letting both of you mature more before commiting to something as serious as a marriage.

Good luck

 

[mysteryinc]

Hi OK I'm gonna be blunt here. She sounds like a VERY immature and silly girl who needs to grow up a lot before (if I were you) pinning my hopes, dreams, aspirations and a MARRIAGE on her.

There are a LOT of women who think that men have some kind of owner's manual on female physiology and it is up to US to make them happy, make them secure, make them CUM. One minute she lies (LIES - fibbing doesn't include destroying your ego by saying yes and then NO about something as important as an orgasm, OK?) and says you're OK in bed and then she blows you away and off my saying she's never cum or to be more accurate YOU'VE never made her cum.

Good luck

Hi. I agree with Mr GGG. Your fiance sounds rather spoilt, prudish, immature and lacking in initiative. When I was a teenager I used to think it was up to everyone else to take care of me.. my father, my boyfriends, my teachers. It's a lesson everyone learns sooner or later, that no-one can make you happy but yourself. it's a cliche I know, sorry.

But the question at hand. Do I think your girlfriend might be submissive? I don't know, of course. To me she sounds sexually submissive or rather passive, but not inherantly submissive. At this young age, she seems to believe she wants a strong inconsiderate lover but after experimentation, and a callous experience or two, she might change her mind. Does anyone really want an inconsiderate lover? I know I feel more comfortable and less self-conscious without the man I am with worrying every two seconds how pleased he is making me. Perhaps this is an issue.. just do your own thing and gratify yourself and let her get on with her own thing?

The related question of course is if you are not dominant personality are you compatible. What is your personality type? Do you think you might like to be a dominant lover? If the thought repels you, this might be a warning sign.

On the other hand, I don't really know how important good sex is to a long lasting relationship. In naivete, I used to think it didn't matter at all compared with how well your get along in everyday life. But I'm really inexperienced with long-term relationships. I guess I don't think you should worry unnecessarily about her orgasming or not. She might grow into it when she matures. I would like to reassure you that it's not your fault if she has some barrier towards trying to orgasm and she has to try new things, including masturbating, if she wants to experience an orgasm.

 

[Merism]

Thanks for the responses so far, though a few have drifted into a realm I hate thinking about: leaving her/her leaving me. Maybe a little insight on the two of us might help narrow things down in terms of problems. She's pretty christian, pretty devoted in her ways regarding the fact she waited 19 years to give her virginity to someone, being me. She said she wanted to wait 'til marriage, but she already decided that I was the guy she wanted to marry, so long as I wanted the same. This was a year into our relationship as well, so our combatibility in terms of everything BUT sex was, and still is, relatively flawless.

She is young, impressionable, easily swayed by those surrounding her, sort of like a chameleon. When we are together none of these things even occur, save when extreme distance is thrown into the mix. She's always had a hard time with distance, with previous boyfriends sure, but even more consistantly with family members, close friends, things like that. Out of sight and touch is out of mind for her, she starts to forget how things were with the person she's distanced from, and numbness starts getting applied to make accepting distance more bearable. I've felt the same but not to the extremes she does, it's just how she is, her mother is identical and I wouldn't call her young or immature.

I talk on the phone with her every night, and I said to her very matter of factly that this is something we can work at, need to work at, and most importantly, WANT to work at. She said she couldn't have agreed more, and that if she didn't want to work at this, she wouldn't have brought these issues to my attention.

I've mentioned that I'm probably paranoid and overeacting, but the situation is still one I'd like to improve. On a totally emotionless deadpan method of re-explaining the situation: Her and I are far apart, our sex life never 'was' anything that exciting, she'd like it to be, but she doesn't know what else to do on her end. I don't feel that our relationship is in danger at all unless something extremely catastrophic occurs in the event that everything goes sexually wrong, which it won't (I'm inexperienced sure, but I'm not braindead here)

I wish I could say I'm thankful for people being brutally honest and suggesting I leave her, but that kind of advice only makes me more paranoid, which I really don't want. With distance I get all stupid and jealous and paranoid, she gets all stupid and jealous and forgetful. My conclusion is distance freaking sucks and I will never do it again if I can help it. Meanwhile I need more techniques to get this girl off so I can at least make a few researched attempts to spice up our sex life -- I don't think any relationship would mind such a thing!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

What concerns me here, is that you keep blaming a good deal of this on distance. Distance is relative... two people can be in the same room and be worlds apart, or they can be on opposite sides of the country, and be tied together. You are not going to ALWAYS be at her side. She is not always going to WANT you there. And you shouldn't always want HER there. Some distance is healthy, and maintains sanity.

Do you think that, the moment she moves back near you, everything will get better? I can just about guarantee that it won't. Wanna know why? Probably not, but I'm going to tell you.

I was super catholic. I was waiting to get married before I had sex. For one reason or another (which I'm not going into here), that didn't work out. So. Not a virgin. Still trying to make the idea of being sexually active work with my religion. Flat-out, it doesn't work, if everyone's honest. Okay. So then I move away, and my bf and I have a long-distance relationship. We visited all the time, we worked hard on the relationship, blah blah blah. Then, we got engaged. I was 18. He was 23. Being engaged throws into stark contrast what's WRONG. Anyway, moving back near him... it made me realize how much I liked my freedom. It made me realize how much I wanted to learn about things around me. It made me realize how much I wanted to be with other people.. I didn't want my first lover to be my last.


Which brings me to something else..your fiance is very christian.


Has it occurred to you that she could be dealing with guilt? Guilt over the fact that, while she wanted to remain a virgin until she was married, she didn't do it? That, in the mind, translates into "I couldn't do it.. I'm a failure, I wasn't strong enough"... and that kind of guilt could seriously be causing her problems. It could be building up in her head that sex isn't right, which means it's blocking her ability to orgasm. It could be that maybe she doesn't WANT to orgasm, subconsciously, because if she does, it means she's enjoying the sin. Guilt is an incredible influence on the actions of people.. and I think maybe it's got quite an influence over your fiance.


My final thought is this: you're young. She's young. Fuck, she's very young.

And you're in denial. You've stated "our relationship isn't in trouble", and then directly contradicted that statement a few posts later, and then gone back to it. Look. If you HAVE TO SAY that your relationship isn't in trouble.. it is.

 

[chris9]

I only started masturbating almost a year into my present relationship (first everything, has lasted almost 6 years now). S made me orgasm relativly quickly (first orgasm) into our relationship, but with applying LOTS of work into it, because it took forever...
I always have to do my share of the work though in fantasizing -always I used fantasies of power, control, pain to trigger me-, keeping my head on sexual thoughts, which most certainly wasn't always easy (I'm glad to say I improved a lot).
So for the first one or two years it could just happen that he was petting, eating me, trying his best and I just felt that it was taking me nowhere. Then it took me some more time to muster up the courage to stop him (I didn't want to make him feel bad or inadequate) and I always felt REALLY sorry that I hadn't been able to orgasm. More for him than for me...
After I started masturbating it slowly got better (probably because I learned more about my own sexuality). Then reading stories (mainly on Lit) helped me on with my fantasies (it's hard to always find some new one).
I always wanted to try out some of those fantasies in real, but never was frank enough to tell him directly. In that situation distance helped us as it made me able to send him e-mails explaining my desires. And since then we do have some power exchange in our bedroom.
But even so I have never had an orgasm during intercourse. For me it's almost impossible to concentrate on my fantasies and MY pleasure enough to get close enough. Or maybe it just takes me way too long to get there. However, I do like sleeping with him, and mostly our *fore-play* includes my orgasm (that's why I don't really like to consider it as fore-play, it is as important as *the real thing*).
If and what you do with my account of myself is of course up to you. I would want you to keep in mind that everybody's sexuality is different, so there will never be the one solution for you. And I wanted to tell you that even without the big O (or even several) during intercourse it is possible to orgasm and there are some women who never can do so from just thrusting. It would be nice, but heh, I'm satisfied with my sexuality, and I'm satisfied with MYSELF.
You know, this might be the problem for your fiancee. If she is not comfortable with herself and/or with her sexuality, it won't be possible for you to make her orgasm. If she does have problems with her self-confidence, then you can HELP her to improve this, but this implies that SHE will have to do the work, not YOU.
As to some ideas what you can do sexually, maybe dominant-wise, to help her along: Try tying her hands to the head-board... and tease her. Tell her that orgasm is not the goal to take away any pressure she might feel. Massage her from head to toe (literally -every single spot on her body), use feathers, silk, your breath, your tongue, your fingers, your hands... Go slowly. Remember that this is FOR HER ALONE. So it probably would be best to take care of yourself before, or your needs might get in the way. If she does orgasm, good for the both of you, but pressure won't work at all. If she read some stories before, found some she enjoys, she might be able to do the head-thing herself.
Ok, I will just stop here or noone will be able to read my whole post... Sorry for getting so carried away, I hope some of my rambling helps you!
Good luck!!!

P.s. While I agree with you that a separation isn't really the one and only solution and understand that it is last on your mind, I do think that marriage is something serious enough to not enter lightly and with existing problems of no matter what kind. So please sort out your problems before taking that step!

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

If she is not comfortable with herself and/or with her sexuality, it won't be possible for you to make her orgasm. If she does have problems with her self-confidence, then you can HELP her to improve this, but this implies that SHE will have to do the work, not YOU.
As to some ideas what you can do sexually, maybe dominant-wise, to help her along: Try tying her hands to the head-board... and tease her. Tell her that orgasm is not the goal to take away any pressure she might feel. Massage her from head to toe (literally -every single spot on her body), use feathers, silk, your breath, your tongue, your fingers, your hands... Go slowly. Remember that this is FOR HER ALONE. So it probably would be best to take care of yourself before, or your needs might get in the way. If she does orgasm, good for the both of you, but pressure won't work at all. If she read some stories before, found some she enjoys, she might be able to do the head-thing herself.
Ok, I will just stop here or noone will be able to read my whole post... Sorry for getting so carried away, I hope some of my rambling helps you!
Good luck!!!

P.s. While I agree with you that a separation isn't really the one and only solution and understand that it is last on your mind, I do think that marriage is something serious enough to not enter lightly and with existing problems of no matter what kind. So please sort out your problems before taking that step!

That is absolutely right in a lot of circumstances. If there is no confidence in yourself it is hard to find confidence in someone else and overthinking exists just causing to much discomfort.

My suggestion would be to email her or phone her and give her an assignment....like look on literotica and find a story she likes. Get her to spend time feeling herself and touching herself. No need to orgasm just let her find herself in a sense. You could have her email any likes or dislikes about sex that she has and work on that. Ask for her to tell her any fantasies. If you could get her to masturbate perhaps you could call her or even online and play and describe waht you both would like to hear or do.

When I couldn't get to my boyfriend(he's 8 hours away) to fuck the hell out of him, I gave him a bit of a show on my webcam. He enjoyed seeing me and since we couldn't touch I touched myself as if he was there. The show was purely for him and knowing he wanted me so badly. That may just be my purely submissive side but it made me happy knowing he'd enjoyed seeing me so much.

hope this helps...
cherry

 

[Marquis]

a.) I'm 21 right now. When I was engaged the first time, I was 19. I thought I was mature for my age; I thought I had a lot of shit figured out about who I was, what I wanted, who I wanted to be with. This is where I'm coming from because I recognize a lot of myself in your post. So here's what I have to say:

b.) It's very hard for me to orgasm. I always hear and I firmly believe that libido and physical ability to orgasm improve with age. I was used to masturbating and I always have to focus extremely hard on an extremely exciting fantasy in order to push me from "yeah, that feels good" to "yeah, that gets me off." It's hard on both me and my partner...if you let it be. To me, satisfying sex does not need an orgasm.

c.) My g-spot doesn't really work. Only twice have I orgasmed from stimulating it, and both times involved me working myself up for an hour by rubbing my clit after forced sexual deprivation. In other words, it was incredibly difficult and if I hadn't been so desperate, I probably could have gone my entire life without doing it. Also, it didn't feel much different to me than clitoral orgasms. Nice, but again, I've had better sex that was totally come-free.

d.) My first fiancee and I were not sexually compatible. I always had bigger, more detailed and structured fantasies than he did; I got bored faster than he did; I'm less inclined towards monogamy than he was. Power made me lusty in a big way. I also wanted to be ravished, and my fiancee was very sweet and sincere and I couldn't fear him. Part of that was because we started off as sweethearts, so by the time we acted out a "rape fantasy," I had no context upon which to view him as my rapist. There have to be the little clues, the foreplay, the build-up beforehand to establish your multifaceted role in the relationship.

e.) Again, I can't stress enough: I'm young. Your fiancee is young. I'm thinking about my school and my career and I'm excited about life and things are just taking off for me. Things are wild and energetic, and I want my sex life to reflect that as well. I felt with Fiancee #1 that we had already been married for 30 years. I was comfortable. I didn't want comfort.

And that's my explanation. I'll let you draw what lessons you will out of it. Regardless, I feel for you and wish you the best in your situation.

In my experience there is a VERY strong correlation between libido/ease of orgasm and age in females. Not that there aren't 18 year old who get great sexual pleasure and 30 year olds who don't know where their clit is, but I think these women are BY FAR the exception and not the rule.

Girls will talk a lot of shit, but I've been fucking for a long time and fucked more females than I care to admit, and I KNOW what I've encountered. Women of different sexual maturities may use the same language, but they are rarely talking about the same shit.

When a 20 year old says she is really really horny, she means she has been thinking about sex a lot and wants to feel you inside her. When a 30 year old says she is really really horny it means she is going to rip her nails out with her teeth and swallow them if you don't fuck her soon.

There is no solution to this. No magic powder or pill or exercise that will give a 20 year old the sex drive she will have at 30. You can make marginal improvements, but why stress about it so damn much? If you guys are still together in 10 years, it might be her who is raping you. Trying to grow up too fast is the very crux of immaturity. The desire is obviously there, if the two of you can't be patient enough to let things work out naturally, then I think it's time to ask yourself what you're really looking for out of this relationship.

Merism, it sounds to me like she wants you to compensate for her low sex drive with a gargantuan and ferocious sex drive of your own. Unfortunately, partners tend to meet in the middle. No matter how much elbow grease and scientific though you put into the fun and carefree act of sex, there is no amount of picking up extra slack that is going to turn her into a porn star. If she can't appreciate sex as a means of being intimate with you, or giving you sexual pleasure, then let her go fuck a few football players at a frat party and see if she cums like crazy. When she wipes the egg off her face she'll be all yours if you still want her.

All in all, I heartily reccomend you ditch the bitch. This is going to get worse and it probably won't get better. Unfortunately, in my experience there are some lessons that need to be learned firsthand, so my suggestion is you start building close friendships now so they can support you when this love story goes sour. Fear of being alone can trap people in these kind of situations for a long time. You may think I'm kidding but I'm not. You're being offered some excellent advice in this thread, but I just hope you recognize it sooner rather than later.

 

[Merism]

.
As to some ideas what you can do sexually, maybe dominant-wise, to help her along: Try tying her hands to the head-board... and tease her. Tell her that orgasm is not the goal to take away any pressure she might feel. Massage her from head to toe (literally -every single spot on her body), use feathers, silk, your breath, your tongue, your fingers, your hands... Go slowly.

I like that idea, thanks!

 

[Quint]

Fear of being alone can trap people in these kind of situations for a long time.

Eeyup. Great advice all around, Marquis...I know who you were directing it but I sort of absorbed some of the blow myself. (Mmmm, another 8 years and I'm in high o-zone alert, baby!)

Again I just want to say that I have yet to encounter the person who knows who they are at 20. I was very much (and still am to a large degree) a reflection of the people I'm around; a "chameleon" you described. It was easy and I felt moderately good about myself for awhile, but it's no foundation to live on. I don't want to make you superparanoiadude or anything, but I found that my resolve, my understanding of who I was, disappeared as soon as I left my fiancee's sight. There is a point where identity just has to break down to the "I." It doesn't sound like she's made it there yet and so yeah, I foresee chameleon effect a-comin. Wishing the best for both your best interests.

 

[Marquis]

I like that idea, thanks!

Here, buy her one of these. This will take care of all your problems!


http://www.loriworld.com/Pix/toystore/bungee3.jpg

See how happy they are.

 

[Marquis]

Eeyup. Great advice all around, Marquis...I know who you were directing it but I sort of absorbed some of thr blow myself. (Mmmm, another 8 years and I'm in high o-zone alert, baby!)

Again I just want to say that I have yet to encounter the person who knows who they are at 20. I was very much (and still am to a large degree) a reflection of the people I'm around; a "chameleon" you described. It was easy and I felt moderately good about myself for awhile, but it's no foundation to live on. I don't want to make you superparanoiadude or anything, but I found that my resolve, my understanding of who I was, disappeared as soon as I left my fiancee's sight. There is a point where identity just has to break down to the "I." It doesn't sound like she's made it there yet and so yeah, I foresee chameleon effect a-comin. Wishing the best for both your best interests.

You are terrible about reponding to PMs.

 

[Private_Label]

Couple of threads to read:

"Try this and report back" the allusive G-spot thread. It works, really!
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=70892

Thanks Vixandra! It was very informative. Now I know what to tell guys to look for when they are playing with me!

Merism, I don't know if it will work for your SO, but my friend said he did it to a casual friend one night they got to fooling around in the car after going out for drinks one night and he kept her going for about half an hour before she ran out of fluid. It does seem to validate the message Vixandra has linked to. If nothing else it is worth trying to see if it works.

 

[PPenny]

Another chick in her 20's here to give you her take...

Distance is a tricky thing. If you don't see eachother often then there's added pressure to make the times you DO see eachother extra special... or at least have everything go smoothly. On the other hand, if one of them is having problems then sometimes they feel that they should ONLY talk about it in person. So, if someone feels that the phone/online is too impersonal then there's a conflict when they go to visit. "Do I bring up this one thing that's bothering me and risk ruining the rest of the time I'm there, or do I let it slide and hope things are better?" More often than not people are inclined to let it slide.

I totally disagree with the idea that women are less horny or have less potential for orgasm when they're younger. A HUGE factor with age is the amount of pressure there is to not have sex and the increased supervision. In high school you're lucky if you can get ALONE with your boyfriend long enough to have sex, and even then you don't feel quite so sure about it. Because if you're in high school having sex not only could you be called a slut, but it's so bad you might be like those girls on those episodes of Maury, and your parents might threaten to disown you. And when you're college aged, there's a whole lot more leiniancy, but there's still hours when you can't have members of the opposite sex in your room, and if they catch you then you might get in trouble and there's still that whole slut factor. When you finally get out of college and people start marrying off, then your group around you is less likely to call you a slut, and depending on the crowd might actually encourage you to "find a nice man." If they do that, and they really get into a long term relationship (with the no supervision, have their own places etc.) and they realize that they don't have to just wait till weekends, or a frat party, or between 9-10 on wednesdays because that's when my roommate has her study group at her friend's house, then I would say that they would just demand it more. If no one's watching, and there's a little to no chance of someone calling you a slut then instead of waiting for the times you get, you're more likely to demand it when you want it.

Chicks in college are inundated with sex and sexual thoughts. Just on the way to breakfast in the morning a girl can see tons of guys in various states of undress. At my school it was really common to see groups of guys hanging out in the halls wearing pj bottoms and no shirts. If you go to frat parties... man are you trying to tell me that chicks aren't thinking about sex at frat parties? College is where most people first play strip poker and drinking games involving stripping and stuff. It's also when people generally have their first sexual experiences which makes it even more exciting and thought provoking. They're horny all the time. They're just still in enough supervision that they can't and KNOW they can't just get it any time they want to.

And since college aged kids can't just have sex anytime they want to, guess what? They don't have as much experience. And with chicks it's not like we even have a clear way of defining or explaining orgasms. Men have ejaculate as a sort of undeniable proof that they got off. Women get: "Well, it's supposed to feel really good." And then when we ask the inevitable "How do we get there?" we get this confusing mess about the clit and the g-spot and that doesn't necissarilly get you any closer to getting off. Only way to find out how you get off is by practicing and seeing what works.

You can try going for the obvious "places." Clit and G-spot. Another method is to ask for feedback. I would try making tiny circles with your fingers over every inch of her pussy, and every time you move a single centimeter get a simple answer of how good it feels. Take mental notes. Go over every centimeter AGAIN and see how it changes when she's a little more aroused. If at any point she says "omigawd don't stop!" or any variant on the theme, don't. And also, don't increase or decrease pressure, speed, or rythym. When a woman say's "don't stop" that means "do exactly what you're doing" NOT "do it harder faster etc.."

Also, there's some chicks that can ONLY get off on oral. Try the tiny circles with your tounge and see if there's a difference or if anything works.

When you're having sex, try to look for visual and aural clues, notice how she sounds and if she looks like she's enjoying it. The big thing is to figure out how she feels, and get used to reading her body, and find her pleasure spots.

You could also run out and get a book filled with sex positions and try as many as you can.

As far as her saying she wants you to "ravage her" I wouldn't automatically assume she's into D/s. It might mean that she wants to try not being in control during sex.. or it might mean that she wants you to be a little rougher.. or it might mean she wants long passionate kisses as you guys get tangled in the sheets. I would get her to elaborate on her fantasies and see where she's going with this.

 

[chris9]

...Women get: "Well, it's supposed to feel really good." And then when we ask the inevitable "How do we get there?" we get this confusing mess about the clit and the g-spot and that doesn't necissarilly get you any closer to getting off. Only way to find out how you get off is by practicing and seeing what works. ...

...Another method is to ask for feedback. ...

First part: I totally agree. Since I was not in the habit of masturbating (no moral/religious reasons, I just didn't like it so much) I just didn't know how an orgasm feels like, how to get there, anything, so there was no way I could help S along telling him what I like. I didn't know myself...

Second part: Communication, communication, communication (repeat as often as you wish).
She not only has to tell you what feels good to her in bed. You two really need to do a LOT of talking about how you feel like, long-distance or not.
For many it is hard not to see each other, being able to talk person to person, but then, when you are apart, you only can talk. Meaning you can't just look at the other person smiling, snuggle close, say nothing when you're on the phone. So each one can make up their mind without any *sweet stuff* intervening. It might not make the time apart more enjoyable, but will help the relationship on the long run.
Solve your problems, both of you, before taking another step. You are still young, you have lots of time on your hands. So just don't rush!

 

[Merism]

Another chick in her 20's here to give you her take...

Distance is a tricky thing. If you don't see eachother often then there's added pressure to make the times you DO see eachother extra special... or at least have everything go smoothly. On the other hand, if one of them is having problems then sometimes they feel that they should ONLY talk about it in person. So, if someone feels that the phone/online is too impersonal then there's a conflict when they go to visit. "Do I bring up this one thing that's bothering me and risk ruining the rest of the time I'm there, or do I let it slide and hope things are better?" More often than not people are inclined to let it slide.

I totally disagree with the idea that women are less horny or have less potential for orgasm when they're younger. A HUGE factor with age is the amount of pressure there is to not have sex and the increased supervision. In high school you're lucky if you can get ALONE with your boyfriend long enough to have sex, and even then you don't feel quite so sure about it. Because if you're in high school having sex not only could you be called a slut, but it's so bad you might be like those girls on those episodes of Maury, and your parents might threaten to disown you. And when you're college aged, there's a whole lot more leiniancy, but there's still hours when you can't have members of the opposite sex in your room, and if they catch you then you might get in trouble and there's still that whole slut factor. When you finally get out of college and people start marrying off, then your group around you is less likely to call you a slut, and depending on the crowd might actually encourage you to "find a nice man." If they do that, and they really get into a long term relationship (with the no supervision, have their own places etc.) and they realize that they don't have to just wait till weekends, or a frat party, or between 9-10 on wednesdays because that's when my roommate has her study group at her friend's house, then I would say that they would just demand it more. If no one's watching, and there's a little to no chance of someone calling you a slut then instead of waiting for the times you get, you're more likely to demand it when you want it.

Chicks in college are inundated with sex and sexual thoughts. Just on the way to breakfast in the morning a girl can see tons of guys in various states of undress. At my school it was really common to see groups of guys hanging out in the halls wearing pj bottoms and no shirts. If you go to frat parties... man are you trying to tell me that chicks aren't thinking about sex at frat parties? College is where most people first play strip poker and drinking games involving stripping and stuff. It's also when people generally have their first sexual experiences which makes it even more exciting and thought provoking. They're horny all the time. They're just still in enough supervision that they can't and KNOW they can't just get it any time they want to.

And since college aged kids can't just have sex anytime they want to, guess what? They don't have as much experience. And with chicks it's not like we even have a clear way of defining or explaining orgasms. Men have ejaculate as a sort of undeniable proof that they got off. Women get: "Well, it's supposed to feel really good." And then when we ask the inevitable "How do we get there?" we get this confusing mess about the clit and the g-spot and that doesn't necissarilly get you any closer to getting off. Only way to find out how you get off is by practicing and seeing what works.

You can try going for the obvious "places." Clit and G-spot. Another method is to ask for feedback. I would try making tiny circles with your fingers over every inch of her pussy, and every time you move a single centimeter get a simple answer of how good it feels. Take mental notes. Go over every centimeter AGAIN and see how it changes when she's a little more aroused. If at any point she says "omigawd don't stop!" or any variant on the theme, don't. And also, don't increase or decrease pressure, speed, or rythym. When a woman say's "don't stop" that means "do exactly what you're doing" NOT "do it harder faster etc.."

Also, there's some chicks that can ONLY get off on oral. Try the tiny circles with your tounge and see if there's a difference or if anything works.

When you're having sex, try to look for visual and aural clues, notice how she sounds and if she looks like she's enjoying it. The big thing is to figure out how she feels, and get used to reading her body, and find her pleasure spots.

You could also run out and get a book filled with sex positions and try as many as you can.

As far as her saying she wants you to "ravage her" I wouldn't automatically assume she's into D/s. It might mean that she wants to try not being in control during sex.. or it might mean that she wants you to be a little rougher.. or it might mean she wants long passionate kisses as you guys get tangled in the sheets. I would get her to elaborate on her fantasies and see where she's going with this.

Thank you so much penny, I"m actually heading down there now to visit her, and I think everything you said is going to help a great deal. And you're right, I don't think she's into D/s stuff, she just wants me to be in control, so let's see what happens!

 

[tealsphynx]

With my previous relationship (also the one I lost my virginity in) I had almost no libido and NEVER orgasmed (to think 3 years of bad sex...) some of it turned out to be chemical. I had started taking the pill very shortly after I started having sex and let me tell you the reason the pill worked for me is that I didn't want to have sex! I was in your shoes in my relationship: He was bored and was unwilling to put in the effort for his own pleasure and was always demanding me to find something (that and he was always trying to bring his dog to bed with us. Bestiality, uhm no thanks, that's more than a hard limit for me. I should have dropped his ass the first time he mentioned it, because that's soooo far out of my hard limits ballpark, I think humans will be able to survive in space without suits, oxygen and other such equipment before I even consider bestiality) Any way back to orgasming: He always faught with me that the only true way for a female to cum was to squirt (Ive only done this a few times but never with him) He told me I wasn't trying enough. Fact of the matter I wasn't happy in the relationship and I didn't feel comfortable enough with him to allow myself the ammount of letting go that orgasming (well arrousal period) required.
Once I dumped this guy I had a bit of a sexual revolution. I was easy because I wanted to be. I learned that men are far easier than women are (I know this is a generalisation and that it's not true for everyone, but the guys I found were easy) I learned how to use my sexuality (that and I had been off the pill for like a month. Once my system cleared all the extra hormones out my pants were like Southern California during the fire season, They were on FIRE. God I wanted sex so badly I was a walking ball of horniness) Now that I'm in a relationship that I'm secure with I've found I can let myself go completely. I orgasm over and over, to the point that my ears rings and my body echos with it for hours after.
You mentioned your girlfriend is very christian. She may be uncomfortable with sex to the point that she can't let go. Like my mom said "I was raised being told I can't, I shouldn't, it's wrong and bad. But then all of a sudden as soon as I was married I was expected to cherish sex and desire it for my husband's sake." There's alot of issues in society with sex, not just in the christian sector I'm sure. She needs to search herself and figure out why sex doesn't work for her. I hightly recoment two books, one of which really helped me (the other I found after my revolution, so it wasn't much help, but it's good reads) The first one is "The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex." I don't remember the author. It's very straight forward about women taking their sexuality into their own hands (literally there's like 2 chapters on masturbation). The second is "Everything Your Mother Never Told You About S.E.X." Again a bit fuzzy on the author, but it's got good information about anatomy (both M and F) and how to understand yourself sexually. Both books are about improving sexual self image in women, both written by Dr.s "S.E.X." is written by a gynecologist, I believe "Bad Girl Sex" is too, but I"m not 100% sure (it's in CA so I can't look at it righ tnow).
Your girlfriend does need to realize that her pleasure is her own responsibility, not yours.

 

[Merism]

Hey all! I just got back from visiting her, my butt is so tired from sitting in my dinky saturn for 6 hours, but it was a terrific visit. All the advice I accumulated from you guys and some close friends really paid off. I'll read the rest of the thread tonight when I settle down, just wanted to say thanks to those who helped, I'll give a run down of the visit tonight!

me