Help me with my son!

[Raimondin]

Exploring himself, exploring his sexuality

First of all it's great you didn't bust in on him slamming the door wide open like some puritanical nightmare father from hell. I commend you on that. (The invasion of privacy issue in re to you & your wife's bedroom and bathroom is secondary to the real forefront issue of what you caught him doing. That should be dealt with later, definitely, and that goes for the "toys" as well)

Yeah, it looks like it's time you had that one to one, man to man, father to son talk with him. Although, sometimes as adults ourselves, we tend to forget we were also 15 or 16 once and how crazy everything and the whole world around us was.
I wouldn't even mention the word 'gay' or 'Bi' at this point.
I have a feeling this will all come down to how good of a listener you are. I'm sure your son has lots to say and talk about and share. You might be surprised to find out how much more your son already knows. Do not underestimate the power of info accessibility and exposure today, or worse condescend. Then you can bring up the issue of "dos & don'ts" or boundaries around the house. Maybe it would also be a good idea to "prep" your wife.

I'm a gay man and I was very lucky I had the support and backing of a very understanding family. (Especially my father's support). I don't think I would have survived high school, or much less my teenage years without their understanding...Just
remember, be a good listener...Good Luck to you.

 

[JustSkye]

He is 15 going on 16 so he is exploring his sexuality. It is normal to masturbate and "find" what feels good whether it is your hand, toys ect.

I have a 16 year old who I have had to lock down his computer to the point of you can only go to disney (not quite as sever but you get the picture) because he did nothing but surf porn.

When I locked down all the "straight" porn sites he started surfing the gay porn sites.

I sat down honestly and talked to him about them. He said gay porn sites have lesbians on them to so I see naked ladies.

We have talked about his masturbation (he does it frequently), we have talked about his sexuality (right now he thinks he is bi, but doesn't know what it means).

I think you should sit and talk with him, don't yell at him or tell him he is sick or anything. For me it has brought me and my son closer and put my mind at ease and for my son, I think, it has made his already normal difficult time in life easier and let him know that he can talk to his parents about sex (why this is such a taboo in some households is beyond me, like the parents never do it.)

good job!

 

[TSNick]

I started to masturbate with anal play around that age also,and I'm not Gay or Bi,so that doesn't have to be a factor of why he did so.

The best thing I can think of,is leave him to it...I know that sounds almost 'disgusting' maybe but can you imagine how terriable it would feel knowing your dad caught you doing something like that?

About the using your wife's toys and your bedroom,drop some major hints about privacy and where he should and shoulden't go.

But thats only my views.

 

[browncow]

Dont tell him you saw him. That would be the absolute worst thing you could do. It WILL scar him for life. If I was ever caught doing something like that when i was younger and didnt know it, then my dad came up to me and said, "Son, we need to talk about what you did yesterday in my bathroom." I think I would lose it. I would probably walk the fuck out of the house and dispute not coming back.


DONT SAY ANYTHING, IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

 

[Mermaid]

Best of luck, darlin'. Many great responses have been posted, so I will not repeat. Just wanted to give you my vote of confidence.

It is totally normal for someone his age to explore and experiment.

It is also crucial to make sure he knows that invading your space and using other peoples personal items are not OK.

I think it is wise to deal with it directly.

Let us know how it goes, ok?

 

[Neya]

It may actually be worth the thought helping him find his own toys, since he's under 18 he most likely cannot purchase his own & doesnt have a credit card... If theres a will, theres a way. When you take away moms toys he may find something not suited for that use & injure himself (maybe even quite severely)

Lauren

 

[ChicksDigGuitar]

Talk to him about it! It would normally be embarassing as all hell, but if you're rational, calm, and cool about it, it would be the best thing for him.

This is a chance to really open the lines of communication, which I wish my parents had done during those turbulent times he's in now.

 

[UKJake]

Dont tell him you saw him. That would be the absolute worst thing you could do. It WILL scar him for life. If I was ever caught doing something like that when i was younger and didnt know it, then my dad came up to me and said, "Son, we need to talk about what you did yesterday in my bathroom." I think I would lose it. I would probably walk the fuck out of the house and dispute not coming back.


DONT SAY ANYTHING, IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

Totally agree. Thats what i was saying earlier on.

It would be the biggest mistake ever to bring it up now.

I cannot believe people are even mentioning that somebody should have a word about it to him. The ONLY issue here is that he took somebody elses property. Its a privacy issue.

Having a one to one talk to him about sex is nothing to do with it. Hes obviously already experimenting, what else could you add!?!?! Thats its okay to experiment? He knows it, thats why hes doing it!

 

[Kassandra13]

When you take away moms toys he may find something not suited for that use & injure himself (maybe even quite severely)

Hey there - I don't usually post much, but I did want to add one thing - talking to the boy may be essential just for safety issues. You don't specify the size of the vibrator or if it had a "base", but using a too-small one anally can have dire consequences - namely, it can disappear into the anal cavity. I had that happen to a good friend - not pleasant. I think you'd rather have an embarrasing talk now then a trip to the emergency room later, right?

Maybe, when you talk to him, if you've determined that the toy he was using is safe for anal use, you can give it to him (tell him you'll tell his mom you threw it out or something) and stress the importance privacy for future reference?

 

[watergirl]

yeahh...

Kassandra has a good point - safety of toy design for anal play. I like the idea of giving him that toy, if it's got a flared base, and perhaps directing him to some info about safe anal play. I'm sure someone on here can come up with some sites.

I ABSOLUTELY think you should talk to your son about this. If you talk to him in a calm reasonable way, about privacy, consideration for other people's boundaries, etc, that's good. It should reassure him that it's ok to talk to you, or other counselors, and not be ashamed.

All of the voices I'm reading saying, "I'd just die of embarrassment if my parents caught me" just back me up.
Everyone on here who would be ashamed to have their sexual doings known of by their parents - well, what about it? There is nothing new under the sun. Are you afraid your parents will think it is gross or deviant or unholy? So what? Do you think so?

Yes, it is common for parents & kids to be uncomfortable discussing this stuff with each other. Even in my close circle of friends, we don't discuss sex as graphically as I do with people here on lit, unless we used to fuck. Then we know what the other person likes, and there is no worry of judgement calls or icking out someone. On here, I don't have to care if someone thinks I'm a disgusting slut because I love it up the ass.

But - parents & kids. Yeah. It's awkward. So what? If you saw your 15 year old kid drinking beer, or smoking anything, would you talk to him? I sure hope so. Anal play is not going to get him killed in a drunk car accident, or hooked on tobacco. But, you should talk to him. It is about privacy and respect, and playing with toys safe for the ass. Enough lube, flared base.

Since it wasn't smoking, skipping school, or drinking, maybe out of respect for his privacy, you might not tell your wife. If she's less open about sex & variety than you, fine. As long as you talk to him, I think that's ok. But, if you caught him stealing, would you tell your wife? Would you both talk to him?

Good luck, be cool with him. Let us know how it goes, we're all curious!

 

[SlickTony]

Kassandra does have a point. The embarrassment the kid might suffer from having his dad bring up his experimentation is nothing compared to what he'd feel having to go to the ER with something stuck up his ass that would not come out, and knowing that he would be the source of many an amusing story passed about by med techs when they're not doing anything else. And then--I'll bet nobody has even thought of this--think of the claim that will be filed with the parents insurance or HMO. It will spread like ripples in a pond.

 

[intelligencenazi]

Totally agree. Thats what i was saying earlier on.

It would be the biggest mistake ever to bring it up now.

I cannot believe people are even mentioning that somebody should have a word about it to him. The ONLY issue here is that he took somebody elses property. Its a privacy issue.

Having a one to one talk to him about sex is nothing to do with it. Hes obviously already experimenting, what else could you add!?!?! Thats its okay to experiment? He knows it, thats why hes doing it!

He doesn't necessarily know it's ok and even if he does, he doesn't necessarily know his parents think it's ok too. A lot of kids will experiment, but feel guilt and shame about it and that's not healthy. It's time for people to get over this ridiculous "parents and kids shouldn't talk about sex" thing. There shouldn't be ANY subject that a parent is unable to talk to their children about. A parent's job is to teach their child right and wrong. That includes stressing that sex is NOT dirty and that exploration is a good thing.

In the same vein, that also means that when a child is violating privacy and using intimate things that do not belong to him or her, the parent has a moral obligation to talk to them about it. In fact, the main reason (in my opinion) to specifically point out that exploration is good is to make it VERY clear that when you're telling them it's wrong to use your toys it IS about a privacy issue and not b/c you think exploration is bad.

As for being open with the child and talking to him about the fact that he is doing something that is wrong being the biggest mistake ever... I have to strongly disagree. If you talk to him openly and honestly, the child will be extremely embarassed. He'll blush and want to sink into the floor and then he'll get over it and move on with a healthier view of masturbation, a greater respect for other people's privacy and property, and the knowledge that his father isn't afraid to bring up an important issue and that will lead to a stronger belief that if he needs to, the child can talk to his father about anything.

If the issue is not addressed at all the child won't learn that it's wrong to use someone else's property in such an intimate way. And if it isn't addressed at all, but suddenly the toys disappear from their usual place, he's likely to suspect that someone caught him and isn't speaking up, which would lead to the same problems as dropping hints. Or he might just go looking for the toys new hiding place and, again, nothing is solved. And if he DOES feel guilt or shame (which is highly likely as he's not only masturbating which many kids think of as "dirty" - he's doing this with someone else's vibrator) he will continue feeling guilt and shame and that could severely warp his view of masturbation and sex for the rest of his life.

Worse, if you choose not to talk to the child, but drop hints about privacy and such, the child may not catch on, which leaves you with the same problems as doing nothing. And if the child does catch on, he ends up with the same embarassment as he would have had if you had talked about it as it would be clear that his parents know. He would also have a feeling of shame because clearly he's done something wrong, but it's so bad his parents can't even talk to him about it. He may end up confused b/c while you're letting him know that something's wrong, you get no chance to clear up any miscommunication. The result of this being that the child is likely to develop the idea that sex is dirty and bad whether or not he had that idea in the first place. He could also (as I stated in a previous post) decide it's ok to do it as long as no one notices and he can get away with it. It is never a good idea to foster the "it's not wrong if I don't get caught" mentality.

The bottom line is that yes, if you have an open conversation with your son about this he will be extremely embarassed. It will not be pleasant and I'm not trying to tell you that it will be. However, good parenting is more important than, and goes far beyond, avoiding embarassing your child. Despite the fact that it will be uncomfortable, confronting the issue openly and honestly is best by far. You will have the opportunity to teach your child several important things and show your support and love. Hiding from the issue has the potential to be far more damaging. It's certainly not an issue you can ignore and dropping hints is far worse. Which would you rather have your child tell his therapist in ten years? "My dad brought up sex, told me it was healthy, and it embarassed me," or "my dad taught me to avoid difficult issues and that masturbation shouldn't be talked about so I always assumed there was something wrong with me b/c I liked it"?? One is minor and unavoidable. The other is major and easily avoidable. Talk to the kid. It's certainly not going to be enjoyable, but it's your job as his parent. Teaching him right and wrong is a lot more important than trying to shield him from embarassment.

 

[browncow]

Just remember to book a visit to a really good Psychiatrist for after this talk. He will need it.

Its alright to talk to your kid about anything, but it can be very damaging and insanely embarrasing (to the point where they dont get over it) if you bring this up while he is so young. To you guys it may seem like a great idea to talk to him about this, but you're not realizing THAT HE IS 15!! At that age he most likely isnt mature enough yet to talk about anything and everything with his parents. I know I wasn't, I know most of my friends weren't and I know for a FACT its the last thing he will ever want you to talk to him about at this age.

Maturity is something that comes with age if you didnt realize that obvious fact already. If you try to talk to him about this before he is grown up enough it can only harm him.

Please, before you talk to him (I really advise you dont) realize that he is YOUNG and isnt mature enough to handle something like this.

I wasn't kidding before, have a very good psychiatrist lined up for after you talk.

 

[intelligencenazi]

Just remember to book a visit to a really good Psychiatrist for after this talk. He will need it.

Its alright to talk to your kid about anything, but it can be very damaging and insanely embarrasing (to the point where they dont get over it) if you bring this up while he is so young. To you guys it may seem like a great idea to talk to him about this, but you're not realizing THAT HE IS 15!! At that age he most likely isnt mature enough yet to talk about anything and everything with his parents. I know I wasn't, I know most of my friends weren't and I know for a FACT its the last thing he will ever want you to talk to him about at this age.

Maturity is something that comes with age if you didnt realize that obvious fact already. If you try to talk to him about this before he is grown up enough it can only harm him.

Please, before you talk to him (I really advise you dont) realize that he is YOUNG and isnt mature enough to handle something like this.

I wasn't kidding before, have a very good psychiatrist lined up for after you talk.

Fifteen year olds are more resilient than you think. While he's too young to be at all comfortable chatting about his favorite anal probe with dad (for that matter I don't think that's ever a comfortable subject for parents and kids) he's also not going to die of embarassment b/c he got caught masturbating and his dad talked to him about it and about not using his wife's toys. Besides - it's not a situation that can be ignored. I don't know about you, but I'd rather not leave MY toys around for my son to use. And if the toys suddenly find a new home the kid's going to wonder A) where they went and if he can still get to them and B) why they were moved and who noticed what. Besides that, the kid HAS to be taught about privacy and respecting other people's property. It's all fine and good to want to spare your child embarassment but it should never come before teaching the child the difference between what's right and what's wrong. As for seeing a psychiatrist... That's definitely a possibility, and if it seems necessary after your talk, I thoroughly encourage the idea. However, if the kid seems to be ok with it after a couple of days, I'd advise against going to see a psychiatrist over such a small thing. There's no reason to make a bigger deal out of it than it is, or send the message to the kid that the fact that you caught him masturbating is some huge traumatic thing that requires a professional to handle. It's important to talk to him about it, but it's not like it's going to be some life-altering event.

I'm sorry if I seem extremely adamant about this. It's just that I clearly remember being fifteen. It was only five years ago for me, after all. I also remember that I wasn't all that fragile that a bit of embarassment would scar me for life. Getting an unspoken message from my parents that sex is dirty and shouldn't be talked about, however, probably would have caused lingering damage. Kids can get over more than you'd think, especially when it comes to embarassment or disappointment. But things your parents teach you, especially inadvertently, leave a strong lasting impression.

 

[LikeaSir]

Well, I don't know if you did the talk yet, but here's what I would do:

First of all, he doesn't have to be gay at all. It's important to not push him into that corner since it would make the situation worse for you both if it happens to not be the case. Secondly, if I imagine that I'm him, I'd prefer my mom telling me about it. I would let your wife tell him that he has the freedom and privacy to explore his sexuality, WITHIN his own domain; namely; his room. If he doesn't understand the unuendo, let your wife be a little more specific, but dont say: stop ramming my toys up your ass, boy!'. That's what I think suits everybody best.

sounds like a great plan of action. I think ill revise my plans now

 

[Eilan]

Um, the OP's last activity on this site was 12-31-04.

 

[wnt2cumnu]

A good talk is a must, just keep in mind that anal masturbation dose not mean he's gay. So do'nt offend him. At 15 he's just curious & horney, it's not lik re he can go to the adult store & purchase his own toys. I would just talk about the importance of safe sex, buy him a toy & condoms. And there is no reason to tell your wife. The going through your things to find the toy may have been wrong, But he is not the 1st or last teenage boy to go through his mom's, sister or cousins panty dwar.

 

[Nightierub]

A good talk is a must, just keep in mind that anal masturbation dose not mean he's gay. So do'nt offend him. At 15 he's just curious & horney, it's not lik re he can go to the adult store & purchase his own toys. I would just talk about the importance of safe sex, buy him a toy & condoms. And there is no reason to tell your wife. The going through your things to find the toy may have been wrong, But he is not the 1st or last teenage boy to go through his mom's, sister or cousins panty dwar.

Yup. Wonder how it turned out as its been 8 years so the kids 22 now?

 

[Capt_Morgan]

So considering this happened in 2004 seems we are a bit late with the advice.

However, I'm still going to respond due to some suggestions that the father should talk to the son.

In no way should the son be made aware that he was caught. No way.
Talking to him is disaster.

The key here is the son didn't see him. Count your self extremely lucky there. Just leave it be with a few indirect tips on anal play.

A teenage male, 16ish, being caught by your dad with your mom's power tool shoved up your ass is a life scarring circumstance. I mean wow, how would you ever recover from that? I mean its your DAD, the taboo, your mom's toy,
condoms, your ass involved, it's just a laundry list of shit no teenager would want ANYONE to know about.

With teenagers sometimes its best to intervene only when potential danger is involved. Masturbation and anal stimulation in general does not fall into that category (with one exception mentioned below). Let him figure it out what he likes.

Now, the risk of potentially losing a toy up there is a real one and would need to be dealt with. I would do this indirectly with something like telling the wife, while in earshot of the teenager, about an Real Life in the ER episode I saw where some guy (or girl) lost an item up his rear. Then mention with that kind of activity you have to be careful and have something with a handle, and you can damage yourself if not careful.....leave it at that. Keep the story lite and with out condemnation. The boy will Google to figure out the rest. The wife doesn't even have to know.

From the story, the teenager will suspect you know...that's fine let him suspect.

The next thing I would do is move/hide the toys.
Again the teenager will suspect you know (and may get the message that mom's toys are off limits) but won't know for sure. Fine. there is a huge difference between suspecting and knowing.

After a few weeks, it will all blow over. No massive embarrassment and you did your education from the sidelines.

 

[1dude]

Communicate!

Why can't we be more like Europe and be open about all things "sexual"? Communicate with your son (talk-listen)! Does he even know how your wife uses the vibrator ? People complain about nudity and wine consumption with kids in France yet they have the lowest incidence of sex crimes and alcoholism in the western world! I agree with what's been said about privacy and safety being priorities and nothing else. Good luck. It will probably be worse for you than him.

 

[njlauren]

Why can't we be more like Europe and be open about all things "sexual"? Communicate with your son (talk-listen)! Does he even know how your wife uses the vibrator ? People complain about nudity and wine consumption with kids in France yet they have the lowest incidence of sex crimes and alcoholism in the western world! I agree with what's been said about privacy and safety being priorities and nothing else. Good luck. It will probably be worse for you than him.

A friend of mine who is Australian put it best, he said Australia was founded by debtors, criminals and whores, the US was founded by puritans, they got the better end of he bargain. All one has to do is look at the backward way religion (especially the RC and the fundamentalist Christians) look at sex to know why the US has often been so screwed up, where on one hand we can make tremendous progress on gender equality, equality for gays and a more open society when it comes to matters sexual (it was less then 100 years ago when we had a movie code in the US that forbade a married couple to be depicted sitting on the same bed together unless at least 3 feet were on the ground or show a married couples bedroom where there was only 1 bed, and where there was outcry when movies *gasp* started showing women's legs); 80 years ago a magazine was prosecuted for violating postal codes for shipping obscene material through the mail for having an ad for a book talking about birth control...and on the other, we have people taken seriously who think we should ensconce biblical morality as law, including at least 4 Supreme Court justices.

In terms of the original post, I think those thinking the kid would be scarred for life from embarrassment, etc, are way off the mark. Sure the kid would be embarrassed, one of the reasons we teach sex ed in the schools is because parents and kids both are embarrassed to talk about sex, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. The idea that sex is going to scar a kid IMO is the old taboo nonsense promulgated by churches and the like, in part because they believe if you don't talk about sex kids aren't going to have it and so forth. There are a lot of things parents can do to screw up a kid, but talking about sex with them or setting boundaries with them and so forth isn't one of them, any therapist would likely tell you the same thing I am. Turning sex into something taboo, making the guilty about it, repressing sexuality can screw a kid up, but talking about it and embarrassing them? Teenagers are embarrassed by everything their parents do, it is part of the differentiation process we go through as we grow up, so it being about something like this is not likely to be any more damaging then for the fact that parents are often embarrassing simply by being around *lol*

 

[wicked woman]

I hate it when people drag up 8 year old threads especially when I read a bit before I realize that they're old and the OP usually isn't even still around and certainly doesn't care about any new answers.

I know some people don't mind. Someone else might benefit. Yadda yadda yadda. But I still hate it.