Help me understand please

[MydarlingGiRl]

My husband and I have been married for quite some time. He has always been dominant and i have always been submissive, we just didn't realize it until a few years ago. We have been experimenting with bondage and spanking and exchanging power in the bedroom. We have come a long ways. But I am confused. He never gets a boner while he is actively dominating me, spanking me, tying me down etc. He says that he is very focused and is aroused, but he doesn't get hard until he is finished with me. We have tried to talk very open about it. I am just afraid that he is doing it for my benefit and maybe he doesn't like it that much. Is this common?

 

[CBM514]

My husband and I have been married for quite some time. He has always been dominant and i have always been submissive, we just didn't realize it until a few years ago. We have been experimenting with bondage and spanking and exchanging power in the bedroom. We have come a long ways. But I am confused. He never gets a boner while he is actively dominating me, spanking me, tying me down etc. He says that he is very focused and is aroused, but he doesn't get hard until he is finished with me. We have tried to talk very open about it. I am just afraid that he is doing it for my benefit and maybe he doesn't like it that much. Is this common?

Some people become sexually aroused by inflicting pain and punishment...some enjoy it as foreplay and some during sex...some people derive emotional gratification from it (either related or not to sex)...the spectrum is wide but just because he isn't hard when spanking you may not mean he isn't a roused by or enjoying it I would say...if it works for both of you then that's what counts

 

[DVS]

My husband and I have been married for quite some time. He has always been dominant and i have always been submissive, we just didn't realize it until a few years ago. We have been experimenting with bondage and spanking and exchanging power in the bedroom. We have come a long ways. But I am confused. He never gets a boner while he is actively dominating me, spanking me, tying me down etc. He says that he is very focused and is aroused, but he doesn't get hard until he is finished with me. We have tried to talk very open about it. I am just afraid that he is doing it for my benefit and maybe he doesn't like it that much. Is this common?

I'm sometimes the same way. The top or dom has a lot going on in their head and while they will surely be very excited about what's going on, they have a job to do. The more they get involved in their own excitement, the less they are thinking of their job or how the submissive is doing.

He might be wanting you to enjoy the scene so much that he's not that concerned with his own enjoyment. And, there are times when I would be enjoying myself immensely, but immersed in what I'm doing to my submissive, and watching her reactions to that.

I really enjoy watching a woman cum uncontrollably, and know it was me who caused it. Just my fingers touching sensitive places, my words and maybe my overall dominating style can cause someone to convulse like that, twist and jerk around, screaming the whole time...that's a special feeling and very sexy to watch.

Dominating takes many paths. I'd maybe suggest a time when he doesn't get so involved in the role. Maybe tie you down and tie a vibrator to your clit and watch you squirm for a while. Once he's enjoyed that for a while, maybe he'll be able to take the place of that vibrator and give you a nice hard fucking...or, something similar could work better for him.

If he's anything like me, he's still enjoying himself, so don't think he isn't. A hard cock doesn't always mean a man is aroused. I like bondage a lot, because it allows me to almost be a lurker in the game. I set something up (I'm really into electrical toys) and sit back and watch the fun or simply press a button now and then, and watch the expressions on her face. The less I have to worry about, the more likely I'm going to get hard.

Sometimes we take the role of safety and controlling the submissive too seriously, that we really don't care if our own orgasm is in our plans. But, if it becomes necessary to finish the job, I'd suggest some good bondage techniques, maybe a nice gag and a powerful vibe positioned in just the right spot. Use your imagination...be creative. Watch her and take that vibe away just at the moment before she's going to cum. Then shove your hard cock inside her and punish that pussy.

OK, your version may vary some, but I think you get the idea.

 

[CBM514]

DVS you wrote too much to quote but something you said stood out...conceptually if the Dom or Domme is trying to focus on the sequence of events and/or the subs reactions there may not be enough left in their headspace to show arousal but that doesn't mean it's not enjoyable or exciting to them...I've expericed that on both sides of the coin myself on occasion

 

[BrightlyGo]

I'm not a dom, but part of this is just a guy thing, so I'll start with that (and if I sound a little strident, it's because it's a pet peeve of mine): Our cocks are not perfect barometers of our level of desire or excitement. When we're young, we get hard for no freak'n reason at all. When we get older, it takes more and probably more directly physical stimulation to get & keep that erection. Our 'big heads' start having more to do with desire than the little ones.

It's natural enough. And though I'm sure lots of guys go for the little blue pill, it's not actually ED. ED is serious, if he does still get hard, he doesn't have ED. Just getting older and not having a pointlessly-hard-all-time teenage penis anymore is actually kind of a relief.

So whether a guy gets hard at some seemingly inappropriate moment, or doesn't when you might expect it, don't read much into it - these things of ours have perverse little minds of their own.

I am just afraid that he is doing it for my benefit and maybe he doesn't like it that much. Is this common?

I know this wasn't exactly what you were asking but: /Your fear/ is very common, I'm sure. I know exactly how you feel, that's always been my biggest fret, too, as a submissive. Power exchange, like any human relationship, is tricky and multi-layered. We, as submissives, really want to surrender, to endure things we don't want for the pleasure of another. And that can wrap you in knots, because if you're playing with someone you have a loving, trusting relationship with, you know /they want to make you happy/. But, to make you happy, they have to somehow not care about what you want and inflict something on you. It's quite a demand to put on someone, however close and secure your relationship, and it can be hard to believe that someone really does love you - and desire you in kinky ways - enough to take up that role and genuinely enjoy it.

So, I can empathize, but I can't tell you how to deal with it - other than to just trust him, which I'm sure you already do.

 

[knot_sweet]

My husband and I have been married for quite some time. He has always been dominant and i have always been submissive, we just didn't realize it until a few years ago. We have been experimenting with bondage and spanking and exchanging power in the bedroom. We have come a long ways. But I am confused. He never gets a boner while he is actively dominating me, spanking me, tying me down etc. He says that he is very focused and is aroused, but he doesn't get hard until he is finished with me. We have tried to talk very open about it. I am just afraid that he is doing it for my benefit and maybe he doesn't like it that much. Is this common?

As a female, when I'm in dominant mode it's incredibly hard for me to cum. In fact, I'd say 99.9% of the time impossible.

As DVS pointed out, there's a lot going on up in the brain. More than just the physical stuff, and just imo, more important than an orgasm.

So yeah, I know how you feel. As a female submitting to a male, you want to please your dominant sexually and the most obvious indication is a hard cock. And you might even feel a bit rejected or somehow like you're not doing something right if you don't get that reaction.

But take it from the gentlemen who replied, and me (although I'm a chick), that being dominant is less about the body and more about the head. Your dominant wants to play with you for his own amusement and yours, which doesn't always need a hard cock. If he's cumming after scene, or with you at any time, then you've got nothing to worry about.

 

[MydarlingGiRl]

Thank You all for letting me visit into your thoughts. It is so helpful, I think I understand much more now. I think as a submissive who doesn't have a dominant bone in her body, I just will never totally understand what it's like to be dominant. I think maybe I underestimate the level of responsibility that is felt in staying in control. I am very excited to find this message board, and I'm sure other questions will come up, and I look forward to hearing the opinions and knowledge of those who have gone before us.

 

[KoPilot]

Paying attention to physical arousal alone is a pretty lousy way to measure whether or not someone is enjoying themselves.

 

[MydarlingGiRl]

Paying attention to physical arousal alone is a pretty lousy way to measure whether or not someone is enjoying themselves.

Agreed. And this brings up a good point for me to work on. Because He is very capable of anticipating, and always knowing exactly what I am thinking and how I will react. Me, not so much.