Help Me Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[It'sasecret]

Can anyone help me!!! Sex with my husband is soooooo dull. We have only been married a couple of months, but have dated for 7 years. I have talked with him about it, but nothing has changed. We were both virgins before meeting each other. He is very set in his ways and does not like change. I know he masterbates everyday, but yet we barely have sex! What can I do? Please do not suggest that he is gay, I am positive he is not. In fact I have checked out what he masterbating to since he does it online, and it is women. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!

 

[His Whimsicality]

I have talked with him about it, but nothing has changed.

What did you say? What did he respond? Details please.

 

[It'sasecret]

Well it all started b/c of a comment he had made that made me very angry. He was already in bed, when I came in... I was in the mood for some action (as always). When I came on to him he said "what u were online now your horny?" It was not said in a fun playful way but rather, like great now I have to have sex with you, way. Needless to say I was very hurt. We did not speak for several days. Finally I told him how hurt I was. It lead to a MAJOR talk on how I was unhappy with our sex life. I told him that I need him to take his time, slow down. I told him not to rush right into sex, but to enjoy my whole body, that I enjoyed being teased, my thighs being kissed before going down on me etc... I told him how I dislike when he trys to quiet my screams of pleasure b/c he is afraid the neighboors will hear. I also told him how I was aware that he was masterbating everyday to images online. I felt like he was choosing masterbating over me. I would not care if he was masterbating AND pleasuring me, but he just seems to enjoy masterbating more. I asked why does he feel so shy with me if he knows I am so open. He is embarrest (sp.) to even watch porn with me, when I tell him I LOVE it. He seemed to feel really bad. He was almost in tears. He said he did not want to end up like his dad was with his mom (which was just uncaring, cold etc..) I said this was just about sex not how he treats me otherwise (which is what he was referring to w/his dad) He seemed to think it was about not sending me flowers etc... That is an issue too, but this was just about sex for me. I really thought he was hearing me, but I guess not. I got a plant the next day (yippie!) It has gotten a little better, but not much. He does not try to quiet me anymore, but that is about it. I am sorry this is sooooooo long but you asked for details. Please help!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Morden]

Tie him up and make him squirm real good. Let him feel what sex can be really like. See how he reacts. Sometimes in order to break through you have to be a little dominant in the sack. This do to them as you would want to you aspect has worked many times with me. Make him understand what it is you are really wanting and see if he comes around.

 

[His Whimsicality]

I don´t understand why he doesn´t seem to get it. The message is rather clear to me: you want a better sex life - and he´s sending you flowers??? It almost sounds like your husband is feeling guilty or something about enjoying sex, like a prude, whereas you seem to be the opposite. Did you never geet sexually active together before marriage?

 

[It'sasecret]

Yes, had sex before we were married, but we have both only had sex with each other. When we had our "big talk" he said he is just used to masterbating. He also said it is hard for him to watch porn with me etc. b/c his mom always made sex so taboo. But I agrue that we have been together so long and trust each other and he knows I am into it why be ashamed? He does it alone now why not with me? Even when we have sex he has to jerk off to get hard. He does not give it the time to just let it happen or let me touch him. He is in such a rush to get right to sex, rather then enjoy each others bodies a little 1st. It is like he wants to get to the final destination while I just want to enjoy the ride. I am going to go crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for any advice.

 

[His Whimsicality]

When we had our "big talk" he said he is just used to masterbating. He also said it is hard for him to watch porn with me etc. b/c his mom always made sex so taboo.

Well, that confirms what I have been suspecting: he´s obviously been dogmatized into believing that sex is 'something evil', to put it bluntly. He had to be very hush-hush and quick about it in his adolescence and that behaviour has probably been carried over into your marriage.

If he can get rid of that thinking, your sex life should improve too.

IMO.

 

[It'sasecret]

Yes, but HOW do I get rid of that thinking?

 

[Morden]

The best thing is to work with him. You will need to prove to him that sex is not an all evil and consuming thing. You two are married now. You will need patience and have to try to understand that as much fun as it can be it can be equally as frightening. I still put to you that you will have to assume the dominant role here and guide him through. the best the way is to show him why you desire it. The best way is to lead him by example and then guide him into doing it for you.

 

[His Whimsicality]

I still put to you that you will have to assume the dominant role here and guide him through.

Yes that sounds logical. A good start might be e.g. to 'ride him in'
that is, next time you´ve sex, make him lie down on his back and climb on top so that you´ve got the reins in your hand.

 

[Morden]

I agree With HW there totally on that. Nice call bud.

 

[It'sasecret]

Well I will give it a try, but I am not really sure how. I really feel like I have done a lot already by telling him how I feel etc... I am not saying I have done my part and that it it but I really don't know what else to do. I mean for example for Christmas, I stuffed his stocking with dirty toys (body paint, feather, dirty card game) We still have not used ANY of them. The thing is he is VERY happy with our sex life. He does not want anything more. And what I think bothers me most is that it seems that we only have sex when HE wants it. When I initiate (sp.?) it he thinks I am "cute", and it often goes no where. Also it seems that he PREFFERS masterbating alone to sex with me. I have noticed that on days when I get home 1st and he does not really have an opportunity to masterbate, is when he wants to have sex with me. It seems that he needs to get off everyday, but would rather do it on his own. And that is another problem, to him sex is just about getting off, not enjoying the whole process. Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! OK sorry to bother you guys but I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for all your help!!!!!!!

 

[Morden]

Never a problem IS. Hope we helped.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Also it seems that he PREFFERS masterbating alone to sex with me. I have noticed that on days when I get home 1st and he does not really have an opportunity to masterbate, is when he wants to have sex with me. It seems that he needs to get off everyday, but would rather do it on his own. And that is another problem, to him sex is just about getting off, not enjoying the whole process.

You *could* call that a problem, or to be more precise, three problems.

Since he thinks it is *cute* when you want to get physical, I think it´s time for you to apply more pressure - sex for dinner or something comes to mind

 

[It'sasecret]

Ok I hate to keep shooting down everything you guys are telling me, but I have tried them. For example the other day he emailed me from work and asked "what is for dinner?", I said "ME"........ and his wonderful response????????? "we had that last night", god forbid we have sex two nights in a row.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Ok I hate to keep shooting down everything you guys are telling me, but I have tried them. For example the other day he emailed me from work and asked "what is for dinner?", I said "ME"........ and his wonderful response????????? "we had that last night", god forbid we have sex two nights in a row.

Oooh, how sweet of him. Now I don´t want to speak badly about someone who can´t defend himself, but he´s either a real dumbass if he can´t understand that it´s not ok to jerk off on a daily basis and to neglect you at the same time, or he simply doesn´t care enough for your sexual needs. (Perhaps he doesn´t find you attractive any longer for some reason? Now that you´re married and the daily routine has set in or something?)

Either way, the signs for big quarrel are there. Perhaps you should ask him why you shouldn´t simply take yourself a lover if he can´t satisfy you? That might wake him up.

 

[Morden]

Agreeing here time for some tough love or some counselling or both.

 

[Son of a Sailor]

Communication!!

I have always found the secret to great sex is communication. Before you go 'DUH - I've tried that' hear me out. It appears that you both enjoy the internet and erotic sites. View them together. Find a good site that you think would turn him on and bring him in to visit it with you, tell him what turns you on about it, and ask what turns him on. You are going to have to lead him through this, it seems you have married a bloke who is a little slow on the uptake. The fact that he has the matter in hand, so to speak, is a good sign. You just need to find out what presses his buttons.

Good Luck

 

[It'sasecret]

Thank you guys so much for all the advice! As for looking at sites together.... The last time I tried that he got angry at me. We had just gotten a new printer so to test it out I printed out a page I knew he had been viewing and handed it to him. He was so embarressed. Now, in his defense it is not exactly the same idea you have suggested, Sailor. Maybe if I invite him over to look at pictures with me.... I will try it.

Now, has for being married and into a routine and him being less attracted to me . I don't think so b/c this has been a problem b4 marriage. It is just bothering me more now. The sex b4 marriage was boring too. The only difference is that we have much more opportunity to have sex now and it is still not happening. For about one year b4 the wedding we only saw each other once a week b/c he had to move, so there was not much opportunity to have sex then. We usually did when we got together, but even when only seeing each other once a week I did not always get it! He is just a VERY routine person. Even the pictures he looks at online are the same old pictures. He finds what he likes and sticks with it. He is like that in all aspects of life.

Ok I really feel like I am whining but I have another question.... I want to know if I am overreacting to something he said. The other day he was rubbing me feet. I asked him to kiss my feet, but he would not. I said "honey, you used to" (that was years ago when we 1st started dating) his response..... "yeah well we used to not be married too" I am right to be angry? We have barely spoken since. I felt like he was saying "well now that we are married I don't have to do nice things for you anymore" Now, PLEASE don't get me wrong, he has not stopped doin things since we have been married, he has treated me the same. It was just his defenses going up. But I was still very hurt and still am. What do you all think?????
OK sorry for all the whining but I need to get it all off my chest. Thanks so much for listening.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Opposed to any sort of change, is he. *sigh* It seems he doesn´t like it if you take the initiative what with photos and telling him to kiss your feet. Almost sounds like he´s afraid of women, not exactly a sign of a strong personality. Would probably make a good submissive though. No really, I think it´s time for you to try it the dominant way, simply command him to pleasure you and if he doesn´t comply, punish him in some sort of way (little bit extreme and you should see a marriage counsellor before that, but hey, everyone´s patience ends at some point).

 

[It'sasecret]

Punish him how?

 

[His Whimsicality]

Well, like I said before, no dinner for example (not whipping;-)), women are usually rather inventive when it comes to interpersonal things like that. Let him feel that something is wrong indeed, let him pay his price for neglecting you.

 

[It'sasecret]

Hmmmmmmm I am not really sure..... Anyone have anymore ideas on how to "punish" him? Maybe take away his Playstation? Is this something I should flat out tell him or just be more subtle? I can't imagine saying "no more Playstation until I get some action" lol!!!

 

[His Whimsicality]

No, be subtle, that can be very unnerving for us men. Regarding the playstation, you could for example make a game he likes to play mysteriously disappear. If he asks you where it is, you´ve got no idea. He´ll of course know that you might have let it disappear, but he won´t know for sure. If little things like that add up, you´ll psyche him out.

Outright bitchyness might also work - whatever you think you´re better at.

 

[Mickie]

Punishment is what got you into this mess in the first place. Obviously, your husband learned that sex was bad and was punished, emotionally or physically, for sexual actions as a child. (Amatuer psychologist here *grins*) Why not try asking him directly if masturbation feels better to him than intercourse? The main point of your feeling neglected is that he masturbates but does not want to have sex WITH you. Okay, what if you masturbate yourself with him there? Encourage him to do the same thing. JOIN him instead of punish him. That would make him feel more comfortable with sex if you could accomplish it. Take it in steps.

One -- self-masturbation while the other watches. (If he'll join, that's wonderful, and don't move on to the next step until he does.)
Two -- masturbate each other.
Three -- whatever else trips your trigger, but not intercourse. In fact, don't have intercourse for a while. USE his preoccupation with hands to your advantage until you feel less neglected. Then add in intercourse as merely a part of having sex.

Plus, tell him what you're doing. Punishment and manipulation are NEVER ways to change someone. You can't change him, anyway. You can't control him, or make him be the way you want him to be. You can only control yourself and how you perceive things. You CAN, however, teach him things he WANTS to learn. If he bothered to have that talk with you, then he cares about how you feel. That's the biggest motivation you have. Think about that when he gets scared and tries to push you away.

Being married means trusting your partner to understand when you get stupid. Be that understanding partner while still TELLING him of your needs. Over and over, until he really gets the message. Show him in bed. Say -- I'd like you to do this to me, as you do it to him.

That's about it. Hope it helps.
Mick