Help Me Learn

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

I may be posting in the wrong area, But I need assistance from anyone willing to help. I'm trying to embrace my Dominant side, since my wife has recently discovered her submissive side. Coming late to the "scene," I'm not finding a lot of help in the self help section of the book store. All the threads are great and I love the Mark of the Slave.

<edited for grammer>

 

[Miles Long]

Hi LTR, welcome to Lit and the world of BDSM. I hope you have fun looking around the site and find the learning that you're looking for. My advice to you is keep reading the threads - lots of very smart people have written some very intelligent posts around here.

I also recommend the following four books, which are all easily available on Amazon and are good resources, especially early in your BDSM experience!


SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon

The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy


Best of luck with your explorations!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I may be posting in the wrong area, But I need assistance from anyone willing to help. I'm trying to embrace my Dominate side, since my wife has recently discovered her submissive side. Coming late to the "scene," I'm not finding a lot of help in the self help section of the book store. All the threads are great and I love the Mark of the Slave.

First, it would be your Dominant side. "Dominate" is a verb. "Dominant" is a noun or an adjective. Sorry, but those of us who have been in the BDSM culture for a while get a little bit picky about the difference.

Stella (or someone else with a saved list of good source materials) will be along soon with a very good recommendations for books for you to read, including "The New Topping Book," "The New Bottoming Book," (I think), and other good entry-level reading materials. When Stella *does* wander into this thread, click on and read the essay in her signature about topping, bottoming, etc. It will explain a whole LOT of what you need to know about the BDSM culture and your role(s) in it.

 

[leighannste17]

Some people have trouble with grammar. It was actually one of my weaker, subjects in school. No need to give the guy such a hard time. He's just looking for some advice, not a vocabulary lesson.

 

[CutieMouse]

Question...

Are you interested in learning more because you want to explore dominance and submission (and/or topping and bottoming), or because you're wife has discovered submission?

Do you both have the same idea of what D/s (and/or T/b) will "look like" in your relationship?

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

My Bad

Miles, we are both currently reading the SM 101 book by Jay Wiseman, with the Roses, book next in line. I'm working my way through the different threads, there is a lot to absorb.

Sir Winston, please forgive my ignorance. That is one of the reasons I reached out in the first place. I will be be more careful of my word choices. Thank you for the heads up on Stella.

CutieMouse, I'm open to exploring Dominance and submission in our current and expanding relationship. It mainly has to do with wf, discovering her true submissive side and she is wanting to explore that. All I can say is I'm an eager participant. I joined Lit, to help me understand what it can look like.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Some people have trouble with grammar. It was actually one of my weaker, subjects in school. No need to give the guy such a hard time. He's just looking for some advice, not a vocabulary lesson.

....Sir Winston, please forgive my ignorance. That is one of the reasons I reached out in the first place.

Leighannste, I wasn't giving him a hard time, really... if you find some of my older diatribes on the subject, you'd see that, lol. The fact is, though, that were he to attend most live events and use "Dominate" to mean "Dominant," he would be shut out of almost every serious discussion and laughed at, either openly or otherwise. Discovering the proper usage of the words here is much less embarrassing, IMNSHO.

LTR, I don't think "ignorance" is the proper term here, either. I think "lack of experience" would be more appropriate, and that you will find people here who have been involved in the BDSM culture for years and even decades who are more than willing to share their experiences and knowledge for the simple reason that it gives them hope that this culture will survive with new practitioners, and that the wisdom and experience they have garnered over the years will help the "new folks" carry on.

 

[njlauren]

Actually, I think you should read "50 Shades of Gray" and the various Gor books, they are just such a great, informative resource into what BD/SM is, you won't need anything else.......*lol*

Seriously, there are a lot of resources out there, between the net and books. Sites like fetlife and collarme in their discussion sections have some good information, that can be valuable,plus there are books. The Topping Book/Bottoming book and the like, are from Greenery Press, check out their website to see what they offer (you don't have to order from them, Amazon has it). Different Loving is not a bad book,either, as an introduction to various aspects of BD/SM, from play to full D/s lifestyle, the author has her own website, she is a Phd in sexuality as well as being lifestyle, and has decent information, too.

I don't know where you live, but the other great resource is to look for local groups, there are groups all over the country, there is one woman I run across online who is part of a group in rural Alaska, so it is all over. These groups often have regular meetings, where they have demos/presentations on various aspects of the scene, plus they often hold what are called munches, where people go to restaurants or whatever to sit around and socialize and talk (no, they don't go in full regalia, least not the ones I have been to. It is invaluable, I learned a lot from lifestyle people I met in how to approach things, and it was immensely valuable, though the books mentioned are fantastic, too (written by lifestyle people).

My other thought is you are in a unique place, given that both of you are exploring. What others do is valuable insight, but keep in mind outside safety rules, there really is little you have to do, how deep you and your wife get is up to you guys, whether it is bedroom only, whether it is limited times, or whether you decide some sort of D/s relationship (Dominance/submission) where it flows over into 'real life', ie she giving up power to you over decision making and so forth, again, if you go that route, totally up to yourself, you guys make the rules, and that is kind of awesome (been there, done that and if someone tells you "well, if you are going to be an authentic Dom, then you must do this" or for 'her to be an authentic sub, she has to do this", it is bullshit. Unless you decide to get heavily into the leather scene, with all its protocols, and want to train in a particular strain of it (which is fine,), there is no 'right way' to do things, unless it involves safety issues. Leather traditions have their own protocols, ways of doing things, that people who want to belong to it have to get to know, but most BD/SM people kind of do their own thing, which is one of the pluses of it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Welcome to the forums!

So yeah, the link to my essay is in my sig. You and she should both read it. It sounds as though you know what 'Dominance' and 'submission' mean-- but read it anyway, if only for the pleasure of saying "I already knew that"

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Thank you all

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my request for help. I will follow up on all of the suggestions.

to njlauren: where do you think this all started, I'm the one trying to proceed from an educated stand point. Sometimes it seens that she is caught up in the romance and devotion that the Dom shows in the books. I'm doing my best to lead her to education before we fully make this change in our current lifestyle.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my request for help. I will follow up on all of the suggestions.

to njlauren: where do you think this all started, I'm the one trying to proceed from an educated stand point. Sometimes it seens that she is caught up in the romance and devotion that the Dom shows in the books. I'm doing my best to lead her to education before we fully make this change in our current lifestyle.

More than anything else. That is a very wise observation on your part! That goddamn Handsome Young Man With a Problem (that Looove can fix) who has plenty of leisure time for her (Which OMG she would get sick of him if he was in her face day in and day out like that) can read her mind in bed... Don't we all. Don't we all.

Unfortunately, she is going to have to step up and be a grownup. She's going to have to talk frankly, tell you exactly what it is she wants, which you will listen to with respect, and she's going to have to listen to you in return. When BDSM works in amarriage, it can instill some astonishing strengths because of that communication skill. BDSM is a little bit more like rocket science than regular old humping is.

Anyway. I'm betting that some protocol would make her happier than anything else and you can get started with that pretty quickly. I suck at protocol, but I remember how thrilling the notion was to me when I was discovering that other people did these things too!

Does anyone have a resource for the sexy-kneeling-at-the-feets kinds of stuff?

 

[Bramblethorn]

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon

The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Seconding these. John Warren's "The Loving Dominant" is also quite good.