Help is always welcome!!!

[Guest]

Hi,

Attempting to write something people will like is much more difficult than I had anticipated. Of course having mediocre skills in grammar and punctuation does not help much either. LOL.
I seem to be stuck at the 4.50 level on all of my stories and would like some comments on what I might do to improve them. I thought this story would do better than it has. What do you think?


Thanks, Jmt

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81138

 

[hiddenself]

Your grammar and punctuation is much better than the average story's posted here. There are still some errors and awkward constructions but that's not a big issue as I see it. Examples:

"I’m in my 3rd year at a large eastern college I won’t tell you which one for obvious reasons."
Shouldn't "junior year" sound more natural?
And what are the obvious reasons? This is a gratuitous statement -- there are really no "obvious" reasons not to name a "large" college.

"Joe telephoned me..."
"Called me" maybe?

"in a state of bedlam"
I think the expression is it was "bedlam at the frat" or "the frat was a bedlam."

"I had forgot"
should be "forgotten."

“Cum on her tits!” or “Cum on her face” was being yelled and demanded by all of us.
The dreaded passive voice. Avoid it. "Everybody was yelling and demanding..."

OK. That said, the story was a dud for me.

First off, it was not believable as a female POV story. By the end of the second paragraph, I was sure you were a guy trying to tell a story from a girl's perspective (and not succeeding). Don't know exactly what gave it a away, but it simply did not sound... well, girlish. Maybe women can weigh in on this one?

The second problem is the sex scene itself. Animal House and all that, such parties were an exception even back in the 60s. Today, they would be as unlikely as Martians invading Earth. The house president introducing a porn filiming with members starring? Hah! The whole national charter would be revoked and everyone expelled. It simply would never happen. Besides, fraternities are nowhere near as crazy today as their (past) infamy may let you believe. So, a zero for believability right there.

But even if I suspend disbelief, there was no sense of craziness that would justify the setup. No description of "drugs and rock-and-roll" that would go with the "sex." No atmosphere. No contextual info.

Then, the sex scene itself wass pretty flat and uninspiring. On the other hand, given the setting (even if unreal), how inspiring could it be? Still, I don't know who would pay $500 for amateur face cum shots. As for the weekly royalties of $300, is that supposed to be ironic? It's not the Titanic you know.

So, all in all, decent writing but poor storyline. I would give it a 2 (maybe a 3 if you caught me on a generous day).

hs

 

[Guest]

Thank you Hiddenself for you thoughts on this particular story. I'm sorry that the story line in itself did not work for you. On the positive side I'm glad that the technical aspect is not completely atrocious!
In defense of the story line I would like you to check out the following link, this is where the idea for the story came from. It would appear that more is going on at school than I thought.

http://www.collegefuckfest.com/

Thanks again for your reply. I'll keep plugging away.

Jmt

 

[gauchecritic]

JMT I've just read your story and with your statement about other 4.5 scores read an earlier one too. I have yet to read a story with a 4.5 that I would personally give a 4 to and I find that yours are no exception.

The stories themselves are fine and I can suspend disbelief with the best of them but there is personality missing from your stories, the characters are rather lifeless and there is nothing to hang my imagination on.

One of the other things that bothered me was a serious lack of dialogue. Not everyone likes dialogue, not many authors can write useful dialogue, but for me it's what makes a good sex story.

The trick to writing something other poeple like is to write what YOU like and hope that there is a large enough similarly minded readership out there.

On the 4.5 thing again, lots of authors at Lit would love 4.5 averages for their stories, some authors deserve 5s but get only 4s and some don't deserve scoring at all and get 4s.

It's all a matter of opinion and mine is just one of them.

Gauche

 

[Guest]

Thanks gauchecritic for your reply and I will have to take what you have said and try to improve the dialogue. Your right about how everyone will have a different opinion and perhaps a high rated story is nothing more than catching the attention of the majority. I would find this similar to trying to write a hit song. Something that the majority can relate to and think that it was written just for them.
I have noticed that the story being believable seems to be important to a lot of people. I guess reality over-rules fantasy in today's world.

Thanks again,

Jmt

 

[hiddenself]

In defense of the story line I would like you to check out the following link, this is where the idea for the story came from. It would appear that more is going on at school than I thought.
http://www.collegefuckfest.com/

Oh, come on, don't tell me you believe the info from porn sites. If I claim that I have a Nobel prize does that make me a Nobel laureate? I've spent the past twenty years in various temples of higher education and have yet to hear of something close to what you describe. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen ever -- just that it's extremely rare. I could be hanging out with the wrong crowd I suppose...

Good luck.

hs