Help, I'm afraid I'm suicidal

[human_male]

I just wanted to say I sympathise and I wish you well. I feel the same way. I've never had that love of my life, or any of the meaningless relations for that matter. What I mean is I understand the thought of going through life with this relentless, crushing, endless lonliness. I know how scary that is and how can one not wonder what the point of going on is? But there are other things... friends and family, hobbies and and so forth. There's something you enjoy, something you're passionate about. Remember that and remember that you were fine before you met her. It doesn't sound like much I suppose, but it's something.

Though personally I doubt you're going to be as alone as you think.

I wonder too if you should think about changing jobs or getting a transfer if that's possible. Ok, she's leaving in two months but it's going to be all the harder to get over her if she's there every day.

I wish you well.

 

[SweetErika]

My advice is to get off an internet message board and get some REAL HELP.

A lot of times people feel safer having some level of anonymity, like the internet or a crisis line provides. When I've been in really dark places, I've found it nearly impossible to tell a friend or family member; I always think it'll just worry them needlessly, and they don't need that kind of stress. I also worry they might overreact, when all I might need is to have someone remind me of the good and let me cry on their shoulder.

I agree that mental health issues are best dealt with by going to a professional, whether that's a crisis line, therapist or doctor/hospital, but I don't discount the amount of support and help a community like this can provide in a time of crisis. There are a lot of wonderful, caring people here, especially in How To, and you never know when someone's going to say something that just clicks and gives you a new perspective. Yeah, there are some fake personas online, but most of us are very real people who actually care about our fellow Litsters and human beings.

You might not believe in the power of a community like this, but a lot of us have found a ton of help and support here. I commend SL for reaching out to us and calling the crisis line; that takes a lot of courage (more than I have, most of the time!). If it gives him a measure of comfort to share his thoughts, get support and know lots of real people are rooting for him, he's doing the right thing.

 

[Laila_Aurora]

.................................................

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Good morning sweetheart.

thank you so much, all of you. I wish I could respond to each post individually, but I don't want to bump this thread excessively.

it hit me today that I lost her. We met for coffee after work, and she was nice enough about it...she sees no future with us.

Isn't it better to know that now before you invested even more time and effort into this relationship? The fact that she doesn't want to be with you really does mean that she just wasn't 'the one' for you. I know you feel at the moment that you gave this your best shot and got nothing back but the end of a relationship is always a shame for all concerned.

When I have dumped a guy, I have felt much worse than when the guy ended the relationship. If she is sure that she doesn't love you and doesn't want to spend her life with you then she has done you a favour by saying so. It's easy to feel that you're the only injured party here and even to vilify your ex a little but I bet that she's hurting too, she's just putting on a braver front because she knows you're taking it hard.

I can't believe I'll never hold her or touch her ever again. I'm ashamed to admit it, but the thought of suicide has still been in my head all day. I'm going to call a crisis line if I'm not better by tomorrow.

I'm glad you did call the crisis line. I hope that they were helpful and that talking to them was the cathartic release that you've been seeking here. It may feel silly to call them up and say 'my girl dumped me and I'm feeling very fragile right now' but that's what they're there for. Pain is pain whether physical or psychological.

I kept looking at her and thinking that no girl will ever match up to her; had I just done things better, differently, then I'd still have her. I can't bear the thought that some other guy will have her, that I'll never get to know what her life is, that we'll never spend another weekend in each other's arms.

These are very painful thoughts. What you should be focusing on at the moment is the knowledge - painful though it is - that she doesn't want to spend her weekends in your arms. She doesn't want to be with you, fr whatever reason. You should not be putting her on a pedestal and blinding yourself to her faults and character flaws. She was not Mother Earth and Venus rolled into one, she's just a girl trying to make the best of her life like you should be.

Because of that, in time, other girls will match up to her and they will exceed the feelings of loveydovey fuzziness that this woman brought out in you.

Believe me, if and when she does choose to date someone else, you will not be feeling the same way about her. You'll probably move swiftly into the 'anger' level of Dante's hell of grief.

And I hate to admit it, but I'm holding onto hope that we'll get back together. She's been so stressed lately and out of town; I know she's making this decision under poor circumstances. When we said bye, we said we'd like to occasionally hang out as friends.

That's something to keep in mind and if this woman throws herself into your arms tomorrow, begging for forgiveness and another chance, I for one will do a little dance in front of my laptop for you.

Please don't build up too much false hope though honey because if this doesn't happen you'll set yourself up for yet more disappointment. I'm sure she does want to be your friend but I'm equally sure that wanting friendship doesn't often mean anything more than that.

Oh, here's the kicker: we work together. And we just got moved into the same office. Yes, that means that we're going to be spending 50 hours a week with each other.

I told her that I'll behave normally at work, and I am. She's very sensitive about no one at work treating me or her with pity, and I understand, so we're behaving like we always do---friendly.

OK, this sucks and you really do have my sympathy here.

Is it possible you can talk to somebody and get shifted to another department for a couple of months until she moves? I know it may sound like the coward's way out but I really don't think you need her breezing around being chipper and indifferent all day. If you have an understanding boss, hopefully he/she can make it appear that it's the company's decision to move you around for a bit, rather than your own decision to avoid her.

I'm not saying to avoid her completely, not at all but I do think that expecting yourself to be able to handle 50hrs a week in her company is unrealistic at this stage.

Do you have any vacation days that you can use to break things up a bit and make this time less stressful? You need to be thinking practicalities here.

I'm holding onto this foolish hope that now that she's back in town, she'll have to spend all this time with me and she'll remember how much she enjoys being with me.

That maybe so, she probably still really enjoys your company. What you need to focus on is that she just wants friendship right now. That could change over the next couple of months, or it might not. Like I said, don't set yourself up for another fall.

Be realistic and keep your perspective. The fact that you already know this could be a 'false hope' is a good thing.

It could happen, but don't pin your hopes on it or expect things to change because you really want them to.

And a last note: she's moving very far away this spring---about 2 months.

This is a disaster.

How can I go back to the loneliness? I was never unhappy before I met her, but after being with her, it seems like everything before her was darkness. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really do feel like the brightest light has gone out of my life.

The brightest light in your life right now has gone out. It may be a permanent thing or it may not. To write yourself off in your 20s as incapable of life without a certain person is not a good or a sane thing to do.

As you mature (yeah, I know, patronising little bitch ain't I?) you will experience many disappointments. That may not sound reassuring at the moment but I am here to tell you that one girl deciding she doesn't want to be with you is not going to be the worst thing that ever happens in your life.

Few people these days meet the partner they spend the majority of their life with while in their teens or twenties. The movies and media culture would have us believe that young love that endures is the norm and that you're over the hill at thirty but it just isn't true. People grow and mature at different rates and nobody really knows what they want when they're just starting out as an adult in life. To assume you'll still want the same things when your 64 is unrealistic.

There are around 3.5billion women/females walking around on the planet right now. 200 million of them live in the USA and 300,000 of them live in your city of Seattle. To suggest that none of them could ever hope to replace your girl is a fine romantic notion but ultimately unrealistic.

You do sound to me as though you're suffering from depression. Whether that has manifested itself in the wake of your breakup or whether the breakup has triggered something that was already under the surface. It is not normal or healthy to be unable to see the future with any degree of optimism. It is not normal or healthy to pin so much of your happiness and self esteem on one person, nor to idolise them as some kind of perfect example of womanhood.

I think you really should go see your GP and explain how you've been feeling. He/she may suggest therapy or perhaps some medication as a short term measure. Suicidal thoughts are not at all healthy, even if they're fleeting. You should really get some professional advice because these things can sometimes fester and spiral and you can't objectively monitor yourself if you're depressed.

You don't have to go 'back' to your old way of life. Before you couldn't have cared less about long term relationships. Now it's something you feel you need and that you're ready for. You are not the same person you were before all this happened. Your shift in maturity and perspective will (when you're ready) make you more receptive to women who want a relationship rather than the ones who just want a good time. The very fact that you feel incapable of moving forward and growing from this as a person adds to my general feeling that you are suffering from clinical depression right now.

That which doesn't kill us - and this won't - will make you a stronger and more mature adult in the long run. You'll never be a feckless lothario again and I think you do know that.

I do really hope you get through this OK. You sound like a really sweet guy.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

thanks...I'm shocked by how seriously I was considering not going on anymore...

I don't want to die. But all night, it seemed like the only way out....I'm definitely NOT going to be telling any of my friends about it. I still haven't let the full realization hit me yet, and I figure going about my normal life will delay the realization.

NO! You MUST tell your friend about it! Sorry to be pushy, but if you're telling us you are contemplating suicide, YOU MUST share this with your friends and family.

I know how it feels to tell people this sort of news - it's not easy - but if you don't you are denying yourself the support you need.

When my wife and separated it was very difficult telling people what had happened.
When I finally managed to, I was swamped with support, and wished I had done it earlier. No one judges you. People want to help.

I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. Posting on a forum like this is a good start - but tell other people as well, it will help. Go to someone who will give you a HUG.

Keep us posted!

 

[seattlelevel27]

thanks again...will post more later.

I actually slept OK last night, but woke up this morning and again had a panic attack. I need to go to work---urgent project---but then I'm going to ask for the next day or two off.

it just hits me more and more that I lost her. I had her! I know you guys keep telling me that it's not possible to have done things perfectly, but I keep beating myself up over it...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I know you guys keep telling me that it's not possible to have done things perfectly, but I keep beating myself up over it...

This is not about what you did or did not do. This is about how she feels about you as a person and what she want to do with her life.

 

[seattlelevel27]

This is not about what you did or did not do. This is about how she feels about you as a person and what she want to do with her life.

I know, and it hurts so bad that the person I am isn't the person she wants.

So, at work today (remember, we work together), she was acting strange. To recap, she's been out of town for 2 weeks, during which time she went from completely happy with me to icy and then dumped me. Anyway, she's back at work now, and we've been keeping it normal-looking, so the co-workers don't think there's anything weird going on (they never knew we were dating; we both decided to keep our personal lives private).

She snapped at me occasionally, for little things, which is weird, because SHE got her way---dumping me. I never said anything mean, bitter, or hurtful to her when she dumped me.

Then, some female co-workers came in (we're all in our 20s), and the girls started chatting about "I like it when a guy blah blah", usual girl chatter about guys. I was sitting right there. Anyway, my ex piped up, "I love it when a guy pushes me up against a wall and kisses me."

Um, well, that's how she and I first kissed: I pushed her against the wall and pinned her there. That was the moment, she said, that she really started wanting me. No one had ever done that to her.

Anyway, I don't think she's trying to play head-games.....but I do think it's because she's becoming unstressed now, and now she's spending more time with me, and she's remembering why she liked me so much in the first place.

For the love of god, everything was FINE before she left on her trip....then she got all stressed with the traveling, money issues, family problems, work, school, finding out she has to move far away in a few months....and then she broke up with me.

isn't it possible that she made her decision under really poor circumstances, and now that the "smoke is clearing" and she's much less stressed, she's regretting dumping me?

Before anyone flames me, NO, I'm not pinning my hopes on her. If you ask me, I'd say that it's over. Hell, she's moving in 2 months. But it seems that there's a tiny chance that she's thinking twice about dumping me.

NO, I'm not living for this hope. But it IS hope......?

Also, thanks so much for the offer to IM/chat....everyone here is so kind. I'm going to call the crisis line again tonight.....

 

[pellso27]

talk to dollParts

 

[Cathleen]

<snip>
Then, some female co-workers came in (we're all in our 20s), and the girls started chatting about "I like it when a guy blah blah", usual girl chatter about guys. I was sitting right there. Anyway, my ex piped up, "I love it when a guy pushes me up against a wall and kisses me."

Um, well, that's how she and I first kissed: I pushed her against the wall and pinned her there. That was the moment, she said, that she really started wanting me. No one had ever done that to her.

Anyway, I don't think she's trying to play head-games.....but I do think it's because she's becoming unstressed now, and now she's spending more time with me, and she's remembering why she liked me so much in the first place.

For the love of god, everything was FINE before she left on her trip....then she got all stressed with the traveling, money issues, family problems, work, school, finding out she has to move far away in a few months....and then she broke up with me.

isn't it possible that she made her decision under really poor circumstances, and now that the "smoke is clearing" and she's much less stressed, she's regretting dumping me?

Before anyone flames me, NO, I'm not pinning my hopes on her. If you ask me, I'd say that it's over. Hell, she's moving in 2 months. But it seems that there's a tiny chance that she's thinking twice about dumping me.

NO, I'm not living for this hope. But it IS hope......?

Because you kissed her a certain way she started to like you? That doesn't show any maturity. To be honest, you thinking her comment about the kiss, her de-stress, her maybe regretting ending things, doesn't show clear thinking or maturity. A relationship is not a kiss -- I'd find it quite rude if someone only began to like me because of a kiss, it just seems odd to me.

I can understand you think she isn't playing head games but sure looks like it and it's only a few days. You are grasping at straws with her. If her or anyone's stress can cause a relationship to derail then in my opinion it didn't have any strength from the start.

Make sure no one at work knows anything -- many companies will show one to the door.

I'm very sorry for your pain, it will lessen but stay the hell away from her.

You don't go the hardware store for lettuce.

 

[JamieB]

Make sure no one at work knows anything -- many companies will show one to the door.

I'm very sorry for your pain, it will lessen but stay the hell away from her.

You don't go the hardware store for lettuce.

Great advice and insight.

J

 

[Cathleen]

Great advice and insight.

J

Thank you.

 

[bailadora]

I can understand you think she isn't playing head games but sure looks like it and it's only a few days.

Oy! I had the same thought. Not trying to flame you, SL - but she's hurt you enough. I agree with Cathleen - stay the hell away from this girl.

PS - Good for you on contacting the hot line again. Tomorrow - see about contacting a therapist. Seriously, I think it would do you a world of good. Best of luck to you -

 

[NotNowHunny]

I went through the same kind of thing a long time ago. It gets better if you hold steady.

Please listen to this advice. I was married over 23 yrs and thought my life was over when it ended ( mutually) but its been over a year and I am happy now. It takes time babe and life does go on, when one door closes , another opens. Hang in there and feel free to PM me. I don't have all the answers but Im a " good listener". ((((( hugs ))))

 

[VelvetDarkness]

talk to dollParts

Asshole.

Really don't do this.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have no idea whether your girl is having second thoughts about dumping you. What is clear is that she's being callous and insensitive and hurting you needlessly. That should tell you more about whether a relationship with her would ever work than how she felt about your first kiss IMO.

If I were you I'd be really pissed at her by now.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

SO sorry you are going through this...

I agree with VelvetDarkness!

I know it's hard to avoid one another when you're working together - but it sounds like she is being insensitive.

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad! It's really tough! And it's natural to be hurting. But I know how tempting it is to torture yourself after a break-up... it feels as if you can't help it, that it consumes you. But sometimes feeling pain after a breakup is weirdly addictive - it's horrible, AWFUL, I know. But it can sometimes feel as if the next best thing to being with that person is making yourself feel shit about NOT being with that person - that if only you can suffer enough she will change her mind.

It's pretty inevitable that you will feel bad - but try not to make it worse! Try to avoid painful situations - I know you probably still want to hang out with her every break (and every minute of the day). That's natural. But try to resist that urge. If you sit around chatting with her and other colleagues, you WILL feel like shit. ...

Avoiding painful situations probably means avoiding her.

As sorry as I am to say it, the fact that she is moving away is probably an excellent thing.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

For the love of god, everything was FINE before she left on her trip....

Sorry to throw this at you but...

I would be wondering whether she met someone else while she was away. Even if nothing happened and they didn't make plans to meet again, meeting someone new and being attracted to them can make a current relationship look jaded.

 

[Monazwx]

Hang in there. Setbacks are only temporary if you stay the course.

 

[Colton_White]

Be a Man

sooner or later u'll find someone nice nd cute again. - I'm sure of that,
but if you suicide you may or may not? cause I m not sure whether there is life after death/rebirth/nothing

so why take chances? just live on and live happy.
===================
reply to my question......

Would she have committed suicide if you had dumped her?

NO?

Then why the hell are you wanting to do?
life is a very precious gift of God.
As you said she's leaving in spring or something, so just go on a vacation untill then or just ignore her.

 

[Colton_White]

Another thought?

Another thought?

I'm too lazy to search out whether you've posted this or not so let me ask?
[size=+1]
1. If she was leaving far in 2 months, what were you plans? were you going to marry her?

or were u going to say good bye to eachother? [/size]

 

[seattlelevel27]

wow holy shit, I can't believe I was such a mess a few days ago.

I'm hurting badly, but I can actually think clearly now.

Today I realized that she's moving in 2 months anyway......even if I had done every single little thing right, she'd still move in 2 months. We had never discussed what we'd do if she moved, but I know there's no way she'd EVER go long-distance after a couple of months of dating.

there's also no way I'd ever follow her out there.....I'm currently pursuing my life dream, and I would never drop that for ANYONE.

So, in 2 months, I was gonna lose her anyway.....

I was destined to lose her from the beginning.

We thought for sure she'd end up staying in town, but turns out she can't.....she also wants to pursue her life dream, and the only way she can do that is by moving 400 miles away in 2 months......

I'm not trying to make myself feel better....the fact is that she'd never do the long-distance, no matter what I did......I always knew that. She made it clear.

So, there was never really any chance anyway.

I'm missing out on 2 months of being with her, but in the grand picture, that's not too much. I had her for a good amount of time, and I'll never forget that passion. I've experienced anything like this before, and neither has she----she told me.

This has been the single most intense experience of my life, and it makes me feel better that even had I done everything right, I was going to lose her.....

I'm hurt right now, but once this heals a bit, I'm going to realize again how deeply I loved her.....that makes me feel human, you know? god this hurts so bad.

again, thanks so much to all. I'm OK now.

 

[NotNowHunny]

Ive been thinking about you, you sound so much better but please keep coming back here or anywhere else you need to go for support. Ok babe??

 

[Cathleen]

I'm glad you've had some clearer thoughts. Not to bring you down but it's a process and you'll cycle thru emotions for a while. Keep coming back. I'll continue to think positive thoughts for you.

 

[Colton_White]

Thanks man,

wow holy shit, I can't believe I was such a mess a few days ago.

I'm hurting badly, but I can actually think clearly now.

Today I realized that she's moving in 2 months anyway......even if I had done every single little thing right,

See Dude,
thanks for replying to my question though.
So you were going to be separated in no matter she dumped you/ not.

But Life is like that,
Life gives answer in 3 ways ..
It says yes nd gives u what u want,
it says no and gives u something better,
it says wait and gives u d best!!!

So, Live long and live happy