Help, I'm afraid I'm suicidal

[seattlelevel27]

OK, a little background about me...

I'm in my mid-20s. I'm actually a normal person outside of this forum. I have a good job, a good education, and good friends. I haven's spoken to any of them about how I'm feeling right now though, and the anonymity of the internet makes me a bit more comfortable.

I had a previous thread http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=575668
and this is the problem.

Last night, my GF told me she sees no future with us and she wants to break up. That was that.

I'm devastated. IDK what to do. Before I met her, I'd been in love only once....that one ended badly, and for years afterwards, I went from one meaningless relationship to the next....I got used to how cold and lonely my life was.

Then, I met this girl. I once again saw how beautiful and warm life can be. Now, I've lost her, and all I can think of is how I should've done this or that better.....I should've done everything perfectly.

I'll never find another like her---I know that for a fact. I'll never find another girl as beautiful and intelligent as she is, someone I feel such passion for. Had I just done everything right, I'd still have her.

Now, I'm faced with two options:

- Go through life cold and lonely again, knowing that had I just done things better, I'd have her. The short time I had with her will be the highlight of my life.

- Face the fact that I don't have the strength to handle the above option.

I can't do it anymore. I can't go back to being so cold and alone, knowing that I had her and I lost her, that she's still out there, that if I'm ever with anyone again, it'll just be settling for something less.

How can I live with that? I don't want to. I can't take this. I don't want to die, but I can't handle the pain which I know is coming. I haven't let myself feel the pain yet...it's going to crush me. I can't go back to being so alone, knowing I had her but lost her.

I can't take this. I really don't want to die, but I don't have the strength to go on.

I know there are other resources out there, emotional crisis lines, and even my friends, and I might go those routes as well....but I don't know how my life will ever be as good as it was when I had her. Why live? What's the point?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Oh sweetheart.

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. I can understand how painful it is to lose someone you're deeply in love with. It's a form of grief. You're grieving the happily ever after that you're not going to experience with this woman and it does hurt like hell.

There is no such thing as 'doing everything perfectly.' Everybody messes things up along the way. A relationship is founded on an ability to forgive the flaws in another and get the same level of acceptance and love in return.

You still have a lifetime of opportunity ahead of you. You say that you can't bear the thought of going back to casual encounters and bachelorhood. I think it's possible that you are more afraid of the life you are 'returning to' than the fact that things haven't worked out with this particular girl.

You need time in order to heal from this and for the pain to recede. Your perspective is not rational at this moment in time, you're hurting too much.

It's possible that she could regret breaking up with you and want you back.

Please talk to someone. You don't have to go through this alone and you shouldn't try to. Posting here is a start but we're just letters on a screen. You need support.

Please seek help.

HUG

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You don't have private messaging enabled so I'll just put this here.

If you'd like to talk now, I have some time. If you enable private messaging and PM me, I'll send you my Yahoo IM.

(I'm not technically allowed to chat with men, but for you I'll make an exception. Master will understand.)

 

[seattlelevel27]

when I read your reply, I cried for the first time since this happened. I can't believe I've lost her...

I sent messages to my close friends, and hopefully by tonight I'll have rallied them around me.

I don't know how I can go back to being without her. Why did this happen? This hurts so badly. I don't want to live with this regret.

 

[seattlelevel27]

You don't have private messaging enabled so I'll just put this here.

If you'd like to talk now, I have some time. If you enable private messaging and PM me, I'll send you my Yahoo IM.

(I'm not technically allowed to chat with men, but for you I'll make an exception. Master will understand.)

thanks.....I'm off to work right now, and hopefully I'll be OK soon, but your offer is very heart-warming. Please know that even though you're just letters on a screen, it does make a difference.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

thanks.....I'm off to work right now, and hopefully I'll be OK soon, but your offer is very heart-warming. Please know that even though you're just letters on a screen, it does make a difference.

Well the offer stands. Time differences notwithstanding, I'm happy to make the time to chat with you if it would help to talk to someone anonymous and completely unconnected with your life.

I'll stop panicking if you're going to work now.

I'm glad that you've called you friends and won't be sat alone spending too much time inside your head. I really hope you get through this OK.

Have another HUG for the road.

 

[seattlelevel27]

thanks...I'm shocked by how seriously I was considering not going on anymore...

I don't want to die. But all night, it seemed like the only way out....I'm definitely NOT going to be telling any of my friends about it. I still haven't let the full realization hit me yet, and I figure going about my normal life will delay the realization.

 

[dyadya]

Hey. I know exactly how you feel. This happened to me like 2 months ago. Heartache is one of the wrost pains you can feel and I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through that. You don't wanna die though. That's maybe how you feel right now, but this is still fresh. The fact of the matter is although she was beautiful and I'm sure she was a fantastic woman, she was just a woman. And I know it's hard for you to believe right now but there are more of them out there. Alot of them are out there looking for good guys like you I'm one of them.

Some things happen for a reason. To teach us something. Just take some time out, talk to your friends, or to one of us here who wouldn't mind talking to you. Surround yourself with your friends, and things that you like to do that make you happy. There's no quick way to heal, you just have to wait it out. The good thing about it is it does get better. It's her loss love. Not yours. And if you treated her good, and you did all the things a good man should, then don't beat yourself up. You did everything right. And she's the one that's going to have the regret.

Be strong okay? And try to be positive. Even if it's just a little.

You don't have to go through life cold and lonely. Embrace the love of your friends and the fact that they care for you. You may not have a companion at the moment, but there are still people in this world that love you okay?

I hope it gets better darling. Take care. [[huggs]]

 

[rosco rathbone]

I went through the same kind of thing a long time ago. It gets better if you hold steady.

 

[mjl2010]

No matter how dark everything seems,
no matter how useless it may feel,
no matter how you feel today,

There is always tomorrow.

Tomorrow you may find that someone;
The someone that holds your dreams in their heart.
The someone that makes you feel that life is worth living.
The someone that will love you forever.

Tomorrow you may find happiness.


I cannot promise that you will find that someone. But I can promise you this. If you refuse to go on living because someone hurt you, rejected you, left you; You will certainly never find that someone.

I have been in your shoes and wondered why I should go on. I healed, met that someone and couldn't be happier.

Seek professional help before you do something irrevocable. I promise you, it is worth going on.

MJL

 

[Quaint]

To live is to love. To live is to lose. To live is to take a chance. Move on and know you deserve the best.

 

[SubNebGuy]

Just keep the rest of your life on course. It sucks to lose someone you love, whether they simply leave, or when its more permanent (death).

The important thing is that you don't let her leaving you define the rest of your life. Take each day on its own, and look to the future, not the past.

It WILL get better.

 

[JamieB]

I know it's awful to love and lose

Every day it gets infinitesimally easier. You get out of bed in the morning. You stand up. You get dressed. You go to work. You get on with your life by putting one foot in front of the other. Even if it feels like a hollow sham, keep moving forward because it will get easier.

Lonliness is an awful thing to endure, and you're wise to surround yourself with your mates as much as you can.

Here's the part you'll find hardest to hear:

She was the wrong girl for you, mate. There's absolutely no question of that.

in your past thread, you were having second thoughts yourself. You knew then it wasn't working out with her, and it sounded like she was playing some games with your head.

Look mate, a girl who loves you doesn't say, "I'm trying to love you, but you drive me crazy and piss me off." She shouldn't be off with her group of sheilas going, "My boyfriend is great, but he drives me batshit!" I don't know what that is, but it's not love.

I'm not saying you're going to find a girl who thinks you walk on water 100% of the time. What I'm saying is, the right girl for you is going to make you feel good when she's around, not like you're a fuckup always on the verge of losing her. Plenty of girls like that are out there mate out there, mate, who'd really enrich your life and make you happy, not make you question yourself and make you miserable.

I know you feel a million miles away from ever meeting a girl like that at the moment, mate. You feel like you blew it, like no girl worth having will ever come your way again, maybe that no one could love you. It's not true, mate. EVERYONE deserves to be happy and find love.

Just don't give up, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll find her mate.

J

 

[Sophz_Kandi]

when I read your reply, I cried for the first time since this happened. I can't believe I've lost her...

I sent messages to my close friends, and hopefully by tonight I'll have rallied them around me.

I don't know how I can go back to being without her. Why did this happen? This hurts so badly. I don't want to live with this regret.

I have been through the same thing, twice and quite recently.

If you would like to talk then please feel free to PM me.

I have also been on the verge of suicide but lost grip of reality and went that step too far.

I'd like to think I can try and help you pull through this like i did with myself.

Please don't feel you have to go through this alone.

Take care

Sophz x

 

[Cathleen]

Wow, what a change for you, friend. I know it hurts a lot and it is a weight around your neck and it pulls you down to deep painful places. Breathe, and breathe again and again.

As you've read here you are not alone. I'm so glad you've reached out, it's a difficult thing to do but you did it, good going. I do think you need to talk with your friends and if you have a very trusted friend please think about be honest and open about the reaction you're having to this pain. I know you're shocked you even let the idea into your mind but thoughts come and go -- thoughts are not facts, be gentle with yourself.

You were thinking of ending the relationship just last week and I know I was quite vocal about you giving it more time. Could the idea of her letting you go instead of the other way around is fueling this too?

I feel for you and hope and like many others said I'd be glad to listen. I'm sorry you're feeling such pain.

 

[fire_breeze]

There isn't much I can add to the wisdom of those who posted above me, except that I do know what you are going through. It isn't much and may sound incredibly callous, but you are not alone in this. I usually say take it one day at a time, in this case all I can say is take it a minute at a time, even a breath at a time. It may seem hopeless now, but it will get better.

If you need an ear or someone to vent to, know that I am here.

 

[seattlelevel27]

thank you so much, all of you. I wish I could respond to each post individually, but I don't want to bump this thread excessively.

it hit me today that I lost her. We met for coffee after work, and she was nice enough about it...she sees no future with us.

I can't believe I'll never hold her or touch her ever again. I'm ashamed to admit it, but the thought of suicide has still been in my head all day. I'm going to call a crisis line if I'm not better by tomorrow.

I kept looking at her and thinking that no girl will ever match up to her; had I just done things better, differently, then I'd still have her. I can't bear the thought that some other guy will have her, that I'll never get to know what her life is, that we'll never spend another weekend in each other's arms.

And I hate to admit it, but I'm holding onto hope that we'll get back together. She's been so stressed lately and out of town; I know she's making this decision under poor circumstances. When we said bye, we said we'd like to occasionally hang out as friends.

Oh, here's the kicker: we work together. And we just got moved into the same office. Yes, that means that we're going to be spending 50 hours a week with each other.

I told her that I'll behave normally at work, and I am. She's very sensitive about no one at work treating me or her with pity, and I understand, so we're behaving like we always do---friendly.

I'm holding onto this foolish hope that now that she's back in town, she'll have to spend all this time with me and she'll remember how much she enjoys being with me.

And a last note: she's moving very far away this spring---about 2 months.

This is a disaster.

How can I go back to the loneliness? I was never unhappy before I met her, but after being with her, it seems like everything before her was darkness. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really do feel like the brightest light has gone out of my life.

 

[bailadora]

Get help NOW!

Please call a crisis hot line NOW! I am concerned that you are still contemplating suicide. They should be able to help you through tonight. Tomorrow - you need to contact your HR department and see if your company offers counseling through your benefits or through an EAP (employee assistance program). Seriously, Seattle - you need to talk to a therapist. He or she should be able to help you work through these issues. One thing you will need to keep in mind is that it will take time and you will need to have patience with yourself and the process. It's very hard to do this (speaking from personal experience), but take it moment by moment and realize that you can make it through this. My thoughts are with you this evening.

 

[seattlelevel27]

thx....I just spent an hour and a half on the crisis hotline. They made it clear that I should call back at any time if I feel scared again.

again, thanks to all.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

No woman...no PERSON is worth killing yourself over. As long as you're still here, there's still hope of getting ANOTHER woman. Trust me dude. Having gone through my fair share of meaningless and painful relationships, I finally found Miss Right.

It was worth all the junk I went through to get to her. And I can tell you with CERTAINTY that if she dumped me tomorrow, I'd not do anything negative to myself, I'd pick up the search for a better Miss Right.

You're never going to be perfect. Neither is she.

Good luck and don't off yourself. That would be incredibly wrong. My best friend did that 26 years ago and for the past 26 years everyone who loved him blamed themselves for what happened. You don't want to leave a legacy like that for those around you because you're not man enough to manage your pain. Stand up to the plate, go get another great girl. Get one better than the last one. She's out there, but you won't know until you go out to get her.

Good luck.
Jack

 

[fire_breeze]

One moment at a time.

I wish the best of luck, and know that if need be, I am here

 

[SweetErika]

Then, I met this girl. I once again saw how beautiful and warm life can be. Now, I've lost her, and all I can think of is how I should've done this or that better.....I should've done everything perfectly.

I'll never find another like her---I know that for a fact. I'll never find another girl as beautiful and intelligent as she is, someone I feel such passion for. Had I just done everything right, I'd still have her.

Now, I'm faced with two options:

- Go through life cold and lonely again, knowing that had I just done things better, I'd have her. The short time I had with her will be the highlight of my life.

- Face the fact that I don't have the strength to handle the above option.

I can't do it anymore. I can't go back to being so cold and alone, knowing that I had her and I lost her, that she's still out there, that if I'm ever with anyone again, it'll just be settling for something less.

How can I live with that? I don't want to. I can't take this. I don't want to die, but I can't handle the pain which I know is coming. I haven't let myself feel the pain yet...it's going to crush me. I can't go back to being so alone, knowing I had her but lost her.

I can't take this. I really don't want to die, but I don't have the strength to go on.

I'm very sorry you're hurting, SL.

I've had a lot of the same thoughts when relationships have ended. What helps is focusing on the fact that it WILL get better in time (usually a lot less than we think when we're still in that initial shock and sadness period) and WHY the relationship wasn't meant to be. People die for no good reason most of the time; relationships end for very good reasons, most of the time.

From what you've told us, it might help to focus on stuff like:

- At least it ended now, rather than months or years down the line when you were more invested and unhappy

- A couple of months isn't very long, and it could have ended at any point down the line for a variety of reasons (finding out you're incompatible, her moving away, etc.). Even at 4-6 weeks, you had some major concerns, so the likelihood of that happening is very good.

- She didn't treat you all that well or appreciate your efforts to treat her really well.

- There ARE lots of fish in the sea and you have PLENTY of time to find the one(s) who are really good matches.

- You WILL find partners who are gorgeous and intelligent and better for you. You may not have had good luck so far because it sounds like you may have been looking in the wrong places, or weren't ready for a serious relationship.

- You WILL find happiness if you're open to it and focused on making yourself happy. Another person can enhance our happiness, make us smile, get chemicals pumping, etc., but no one can make us happy if we're not happy in the first place.

- You can't blame yourself because you WE'RE and ARE a good partner. You were thoughtful and kind to her. You tried to make her happy. You were faithful. You tried to make it work, even though you had your doubts. No amount of doing or giving can make someone love or want to stay if they don't. This is her issue, not yours.


There's A LOT to live for and look forward to. By getting out of the game, you'd be missing out on experiencing the love(s) of your life, and that would really suck!

I think you have the right idea about letting your friends support you and keeping busy. If you're in the greater Sea-Tac area and find yourself wanting to talk, PM me...maybe we can meet for a drink or something.

 

[emptynester]

Why live? What's the point?

I'm in my mid-20s. I'm actually a normal person outside of this forum. I have a good job, a good education, and good friends.

Those are very good reasons to go on living. Many people are lonely, need work and have no friends. Sounds like you have a lot going for you.

It's times like these where you reach deep inside and focus on who you really are and what you are made of.

You didn't get where you are because you are ordinary. It takes motivation to get a good education. Getting that good job meant you were qualified and required you to apply yourself to sell someone on your ability to do the job. Having friends means you have been a friend. Look at the positives in your life and stay tuned in to the people who are your closest friends.

I lost someone very near and dear to me and thought life for me could not go on. It was a deep dark place I never want to go again.

I had friends and family that loved me and three very small children at the time that totally depended on me. Looking back on it I realize how selfish that would have been on my part and the hurt and guilt I would have left behind.

When you are in pain it is very difficult to take other people's feelings into consideration. Life is not an easy road to travel but if you have all that you have going for you, it is well worth the trip.

I want to encourage you to stay in touch with reality and make a call to the crisis line, a friend or PM someone here at LIT when those feelings creep back in. Time truly does help you heal so please give it some time and know that there are those of us even here who don't know you personally that really do care.

 

[the_pet]

please continue to reach out and try to take gentle care knowing that you're in a very delicate frame of mind right now while you're waiting for the crisis feelings to subside.....expect to feel bad right now but try to prepare for it, eat, sleep and continue to reach out

pet

 

[BeachBum69]

You can't expect to actually gain anything from thinking that this'll show that girl how much you care. You/friends/family are the only ones who are going to suffer.

My advice is to get off an internet message board and get some REAL HELP.